I said or did or tried to do two things in my last post, to tell you that my story is not important, that your story is, that my story would do little to help you, that you would analyze it in your ingrained, full of unconscious assumptions way, but because I am soft and stupid and hate to deny you your wishes, I repeated the essentials of my story to you anyway.
I had an experience that changed me in every imaginable way, that instantly ended my suffering. It consisted in some ways of an integration, a collapse of paradox via the arrival of a higher conscious state. One minute terrible suffering and the next minute grace. I could say it was a moment in which thought ended and my real self appeared. I could say that good and evil disappeared. I could say any number of things. What I can't do is cause you to experience what I experienced because the experience requires the experience of just that altered state.
I suffered because my assumptions about what reality must be like to be happy we're fundamentally flawed. I wanted to find a way to prove God exists and that all that we suffer in life will be compensated for via God's love,that we would be saved. My attempt to do that logically destroyed my faith. I failed and that failure killed me. I lost everything that sustained my ego. I had no defense against the reality that the world is indifferent to human suffering. What I learned from Zen was that there was talk of folk who believed exactly as I do, that there is no God, but they were very far from misery, that in fact they were quite loving and wise. This was my very first hint that there might be something fundamentally wrong with my view.
I mentioned that I am not nor have ever been a practitioner of Zen, but that my exposure to it saved me. When I looked up koan on google and went to that link, and read what was there yesterday, because you say I talk crazy, I can tell you I could have written what was there, so I linked it. You are a thinker and I used to be. Thought is a prison. I discovered this is so because something in Zen called to me. How could these so called Zen Masters say the shit that they did. What was that fucking strawberry. I had a driving passion and need.
I got mine. I am here just in case somebody else may feel the same need like a disturbingly uncomfortable pea somewhere under the 39th matters of their sleep. In the Christian faith tha Satori experience is called Grace. The Sufis call it, what, fana and baqa. I can't give it to you. I simply tell you that for me there is an experience one can have that changes everything and for the better.
Understand that I know this by the fact of my being. I bridged a gap that can't be unabridged. I say that I have no interest in anything you have including your worship, your recognition of my superiority, how spiritually advanced I an, your thanks, your humiliation, or any thing else that derived form having an ego. I had to die to win and because I died, all that died too.