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Share your lawyer jokes.

  • Thread starter Thread starter Tim
  • Start date Start date
T

Tim

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.

The man replied, 'Ontario'.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.'

'I know.' the man said 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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Post yours!
 
My prof told me an old one:

What's the difference between a skunk getting hit by a car and a lawyer getting hit by a car?

Skid marks in front of the skunk.
 
Originally posted by: darkxshade
I've read that somewhere before
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Probably b/c this was altered from the one about the guy who owed his friend $500 so when he came over he "paid" the guy's gf $500 to touch her boobs.
***********

Why did the lawyer cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken.
 
Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?

They threatened to release one lawyer every hour if their demands weren't met.
 
What's the difference between a Sturgeon and a Lawyer?

A.

One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish. :laugh:
 
Guy walks into a lawyers office and asks him what his rates are. Lawyer says the first 3 questions are free. Guy says how much do you charge per hour, lawyer says $300.

Guy says that's outrageous isn't it? Lawyer says yes, now what is your third question?
 
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

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A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

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A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No," the coroner replied.

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
The coroner said, "No."

"Did you check for breathing?", asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, "No."

The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

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A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."
 
What's the difference between a lawyer and a murderer?
The murderer goes to jail for ruining lives, the lawyer gets paid.

What's the difference between Satan and a lawyer?
Satan pretends he's not evil.

What's the difference between George Bush and lawyers?
None, both wipe their ass with the constitution.
 
An engineer dies and reports to Heaven. St. Peter checks his book and says, "Hey, you're an engineer and you're in the wrong place." So the engineer is sent to hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day Satan calls God and says, "Hey, wanted to tell you that things are pretty nice around here. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. "God replies, "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, you need to send him up here." Satan says, "I don't think so, we're pretty happy with him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue. "Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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And how many lawyer jokes are there?

Just 2 or 3. The rest are all true stories.
 
True story.

A friend's family member is a secretary for a lawyer. Her coworker, another secretary, was stabbed to death after work in the parking lot a few years ago. There was some uncertainty as to which lawyer would handle her estate / affairs (sorry, I don't know the proper term). When the lawyer they worked for found out that he had gotten the job (and pay to go with it), my friend's family member was there, and he smiled at her and gave her a thumbsup sign.
 
What's the difference between a lawyer and a common criminal?
The law degree.

Why shouldn't we nuke the middle east?
Because we haven't yet shipped all lawyers there.
 
Originally posted by: nkgreen
Originally posted by: hanoverphist
Originally posted by: nkgreen
Originally posted by: hanoverphist
how many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?





depends how thin you slice em
Click to expand...

.......

I've heard that one, but it wasn't about lawyers.
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that one works for any group.
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Well, shingles are usually black....
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It's like painting a house with dead babies, (i.e., it depends on how hard you throw them)... you can substitute anything and it's still hilarious.
 
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