There's very little difference in caliber. .40's tend to have the most recoil, then .45's, then 9mm. The only difference in the real world is stopping power. Someone who catches a .45 to the torso is probably going to be floored, same with a .40. Someone who catches a 9mm to the torso may just keep doing what there doing. 9mm is a fast moving small round that will go right through it's target, .40 and .45 are slower and larger, and tend to transfer more of their momentum to whatever target they encounter. I prefer a .40... It's a fast traveling round that still has some weight, right in the middle. As far as recoil control, if you learn proper shooting technique you can handle any fire arm, regardless of your personal size/weight/strength/whatever. controlling a hand gun comes down to technique and experience. So go get some experience.