Ramblings of a psychopath.

[Chaosblade02]

I thought I'd make a topic that some of you might find interesting, or maybe nobody cares? Either way, I don't care and I'm just throwing this out there. Anyway if some of you are psych students, you might get something from this. Let me make this clear I am NOT trolling. Here is my medication list:

Seroquel
Risperdal
Wellbutrin
Buspirone
Lexapro

In the last month I've had a psychotic breakdown and had to get thrown into inpatient in a mental institution, and then I've been going to group therapy, or outpatient. I got thrown into inpatient because I threatened to murder someone over the phone. It was some stupid marketing company that kept calling my phone, and I blocked their numbers 3 times. The next time they called, rage set in, and I told the person something on the phone that I'm not gonna repeat in its entirely, but I told the person I was going to track them down, and kill them + eat their babies if they called this number again. 2 days later the police knocked on my door to arrest me. I was in county jail for about 6 hours, until they transferred me to a mental institution on an ambulance. They didn't press charges due to my history of mental instability. I wasn't ordered to be in inpatient for any set amount of time, just that I needed to go there.

Inpatient was bad. They were control freaks, and I ended up breaking into a blind, uncontrollable rage. It literally took 10 people to subdue me. I was grabbing anything I could get my hands on and tossing it, including tables, chairs, even the microwave, etc. Anyone that got near me was attacked. The thing is, I didn't remember any of the details until they showed me the video. I blacked out. I woke up in a straight jacket inside of a padded cell and didn't even know why the fuck I was in there. A couple of the staff members there were injured during my blind rage. One guy had to get stitches on his face. One of the female staff members was hit with a chair.

I told my psychiatrist that inpatient has never helped me before and when I'm placed into an atmosphere of "control" I feel like I'm 50x more likely to have a breakdown, because I'm often belligerent to authority. And my brain works like this:

irritation => frustration => anger => rage => psychotic breakdown. These are emotions I can't control by the way. Even when on the above medications. If things continue escalating my temper, a psychotic breakdown is imminent. Being placed into a controlling atmosphere means I'm 100% guaranteed to go psycho at some point. I guess the only reason I'm even on medications because they help me / / much, but my issues are /----------------/ much. So something is better than nothing. At lower tier anger levels, the meds do help me calm down quicker, as long as I'm in a non-hostile atmosphere. The psychiatrist agreed that this wasn't a very productive environment for me to be in, and that I was better off seeking outpatient therapy barring any more incidents.

I snapped off at some autist that was in outpatient the other day. Some stupid old lady that dressed like she was a 15 year old girl. She suffered from Aspergers or something like that. She was all like boo hoo, nobody gives me attention, nobody cares about me and starts breaking down in tears. I was face palming in frustration until I was like shut the F*** up! Your whiny, cranky voice is the reason nobody wants to be around you. And why are you dressed like a 15 year old girl? You look like you just got out of a Justin Bieber concert. Why do you care so much about what others think? And then I slid a box of tissues that was near me on the ground in her direction. Everyone just stared at me probably thinking this guy is a complete asshole. And then I admit to being a grade A asshole to the entire room and told the rest of the people there having issues about other people caring to suck it up and not give so much of a fuck about what others think.

Later that day one of the people in the room walked up and thanked me? I was confused, because I wasn't trying to be helpful. I'm not gonna butter up or sugar coat anything. These people who get butthurt over not being the center of attention, or getting enough affection from people are weak little pisants.

Anyway, I don't think outpatient group therapy is going to be that helpful, but one of the conditions for me leaving inpatient was for me to do this for 3-4 weeks.

I told my individual therapist the other day that I think I was born into the wrong timeline. 2015 sucks. I'm more mentally suited for 850-1000AD. I think I'd make an excellent Viking Berserker. Most of my lineage is Scottish and Northern European, so I probably inherited this mindset from an ancestor who killed people, took their stuff, and slept like a baby at night.

 

[Markbnj]

Maybe there is some other place you could vent this shit? Like, I don't know, a personal diary or something.

 

[Chaosblade02]

I hate humans. From all walks of life, across all cultures and races.

Sometimes I'm mistakenly labeled a racist just because I lash out at a particular group at a particular time, but no, I just don't like humans.

What I dislike about humans is what most people would define what actually makes people human. Emotions. In particular, people's personal sensitivities. People who are oversensitive irritate me. I just want to grab them by the collar and slap them around 8 or 10 times. I've never been able to relate to people on an emotional level. Emotions are confusing for my brain. About the only emotions I experience are varying levels of anger. Empathy isn't something my brain is wired to experience. This is part of the reason I've had serious issues with females, and making friends in general. But the small amount of friends I do have are loyal, and trustworthy.

There are some occasions where I might pretend I care just to appear like I'm less of an asshole than I am in reality, but this is just because I don't feel like stirring up any drama or getting into an argument with people. I'm sure everyone here at one point has pretended they care, or showed false empathy or affection for someone. Some people have been trained to react a certain way to certain situations, even if they aren't emotionally behind it. I'm good at reading people. Someone told me I should be a poker player.

For example, so and so dies, but I didn't really know the person, and I really don't care but I need to put on a show pretending I care because I don't want to stand out. I hate having to do that. I hate being put into positions or situations where I feel like I need to do that. That's not me. I like being me. But on the other hand, the rational and logical thinking part of my brain tells me I need to do that in order to maintain a position that is otherwise important to me. One reason I like communicating on the internet is I can be me without sugar coating anything, or appeasing particular groups of despicable humans.

Maybe there is some other place you could vent this shit? Like, I don't know, a personal diary or something.

If you don't think this is appropriate for these forums, you're welcome delete this topic. I won't take it personally.

 

[slightlyhuman]

ok...

good luck with the mental gig but you seem like a dick head even without.

 

[Chaosblade02]

but you seem like a dick head even without.

Has anyone ever told you that you have great observational skills? Congrats bro! . I admitted to being a grade A asshole.

According to dungeon and dragons alignment definitions, I'm chaotic evil.

Chaotic Evil

A chaotic evil character tends to have no respect for rules, other people's lives, or anything but their own desires, which are typically selfish and cruel. They set a high value on personal freedom, but do not have any regard for the lives or freedom of other people. Chaotic evil characters do not work well in groups, as they resent being given orders and usually behave themselves only out of fear of punishment.

That's pretty much me to a T. Anarchy would be my preferred system. No widely organized rule enforcers, and I can just do wtf I want.

 

[Jaskalas]

irritation => frustration => anger => rage => psychotic breakdown.

I wonder what leads to a loss of control.

Thinking about it, I'd love to just let loose with those feelings, to rage... but it'd be counter productive. My will checks my emotions at the door and does a really good job of filtering out (removing) unproductive ones. Rage hurts others around us. That will, in turn, lead to being hurt by the response of other people.

So ultimately the best way to adapt (to survive) is to check your base animal and tell it that this is not its world. It cannot simply get what it wants. It cannot control this world by lashing out. That, as a human, we must adapt and grow beyond the caveman who settles things through clubs.

I'm sorry that some of us struggle more than others, but deep down I feel it is a struggle for everyone to live in a society where other people make the rules and we all don't fit into the same peg hole. I would describe you as dealing with a very... human issue.

 

[Markbnj]

Has anyone ever told you that you have great observational skills? Congrats bro! . I admitted to being a grade A asshole.

According to dungeon and dragons alignment definitions, I'm chaotic evil.

That's pretty much me to a T. Anarchy would be my preferred system. No widely organized rule enforcers, and I can just do wtf I want.

 

[SKORPI0]

^_^

Seroquel - Treats schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or depression
Risperdal - Treats schizophrenia and certain problems caused by bipolar disorder.
Wellbutrin - Treats depression and aids in quitting smoking. Also prevents depression caused by seasonal affective disorder (SAD). This medicine is an antidepressant.
Buspirone - Treats anxiety.
Lexapro - This medicine is an SSRI that treats depression and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).

Schizophrenia (/ˌskɪtsɵˈfrɛniə/ or /ˌskɪtsɵˈfriːniə/) is a mental disorder often characterized by abnormal social behavior and failure to recognize what is real. Common symptoms include false beliefs, unclear or confused thinking, auditory hallucinations, reduced social engagement and emotional expression, and lack of motivation. Diagnosis is based on observed behavior and the person's reported experiences.

Bipolar disorder - Also called: manic depression. A disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs.

Depression - A mood disorder causing a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest.

Anxiety - a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

 

[MongGrel]

Has anyone ever told you that you have great observational skills? Congrats bro! . I admitted to being a grade A asshole.

According to dungeon and dragons alignment definitions, I'm chaotic evil.

That's pretty much me to a T. Anarchy would be my preferred system. No widely organized rule enforcers, and I can just do wtf I want.

 

[William Gaatjes]

I can imagine how that must be. You must be getting so angry that it feels like your head explodes and that the rage consumes until you black out while on a rampage. That is no fun at all. OP, do you also have schizophrenia or is it just the emotions going haywire ? Any hallucinations coming up auditive or visual prior before the breakdown starts ? Judging people on issues that do not exist in reality ?

 

[Chaosblade02]

I suffer from extreme bipolarity. I suffer from schizophrenia as well. Among many other issues. Its genetic, it runs in my family on my mother's side. Her condition is more manageable than mine is. I got a few cousins that are nearly as bad as I am. One of my cousins cuts herself, and has been admitted many times. My outlet is destroying stuff, or attacking people who piss me off. I've got 4 assault charges on my criminal record. I plead not guilty due to reason of insanity on 3 of them and won. If I'm pushed into a certain state, I have absolutely no control. Its like my animal instincts take over, and I can completely black out, but not always. Its kinda weird, because the times I can recall being in such a state, I'm at complete peace. So yes, its definitely a manic/psychotic state.

I get extremely nervous when in large social gatherings. I've been diagnosed with this as well:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizotypal_personality_disorder

 

[Markbnj]

 

[Chaosblade02]

Did you hack my fucking PC or something dude? How did you know that was me? I got all my pictures stored in a hidden folder.

But no, I don't think I'm Chief Thunder from killer instinct. This is me:

 

[TheVrolok]

Honestly you sound like an angsty 15-20 year old, more than a schizophrenic. I'd certainly buy BPD and IED. Hopefully you find the help you need, but it's context like this that suggest deinstatutionalizing was not necessarily the best idea.

 

[Chaosblade02]

Honestly you sound like an angsty 15-20 year old, more than a schizophrenic.

I'm in my 30s. Been on medications since I was 10 years old. My psychiatrist is thinking about putting me on depakote to help stabilize my mood. Like right now, I'm stable, but I don't react well to stress, or adversity. There is a layer of thin ice that separates me from appearing somewhat sane and rational to going berserk, or breaking down and having a panic attack which can be a trigger for me going berserk. I've been told I have a delusional perception about many things, but to me those thoughts and ideas feel sane and rational.

An example of a panic attack leading to me having a psychotic breakdown was a few years ago I lost my wallet which had a few hundred in cash in it. After looking for 5 minutes or so and not finding it, I started to panic. Thoughts raced through my head, I was getting paranoid that someone hid it just to f*** with me, or someone stole it, so I lashed out at everybody accusing them of stealing my wallet, etc, and then I just snapped and went psycho. I don't remember too many details. The police were called, and I got hit with a tazer. which I don't remember, but I had the marks from where the nodes went into my flesh.

 

[OutHouse]

Why is threating to kill a telemarketer who called you a crime? What evidence e did they have? A recording? Did they tell you tgat the call was being recorded? Your state law may be on your side about using the recording.

 

[disappoint]

I have no idea if you've been diagnosed properly or not. No one can diagnose you over the internet, trust me.

You can look up some more info on Schizophrenia on here:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/schizophrenia/index.shtml

To see if you think that description fits you.

Unfortunately you won't be able to diagnose yourself either because you can not experience an external view of yourself the way a competent therapist can for you. Especially if you actually have that disorder as it will affect the way you think.

But arming you with more and correct information can't hurt so I included it. You can talk about it with your therapists if you believe you've been misdiagnosed the way some posters here think you have without actually getting to know you and from the limited information they have on you just from your OP and/or other posts you've made.

Unlikely your computer has been hacked. Very likely you've posted your pic before and just don't remember doing so. Either here or somewhere else on the internet.

 

[Chaosblade02]

Why is threating to kill a telemarketer who called you a crime? What evidence e did they have? A recording? Did they tell you tgat the call was being recorded? Your state law may be on your side about using the recording.

They might have said something about a recording, I don't exactly remember. But I do remember being put on hold to wait for an operator to answer. I didn't serve any jail time other than the 6 hours I was detained waiting to be transferred. No charges were filed.

Unlikely your computer has been hacked. Very likely you've posted your pic before and just don't remember doing so. Either here or somewhere else on the internet.

I was being sarcastic in my reply to Markbnj. One trollish reply deserves another. But regardless I couldn't care less what people think. I was thinking about cutting the picture of that dude out and using it as my avatar just to prove how little of a shit I actually give.

I have no idea if you've been diagnosed properly or not. No one can diagnose you over the internet, trust me.

For about 15 years, I wasn't diagnosed properly. It wasn't until I was 25 years old that I was diagnosed as being bipolar. The psychiatrists didn't ask the correct questions, or maybe I didn't give the correct responses to the questions that were asked. A lack of communication between the patient and the professional can very easily lead to a misdiagnosis. The medications they've given me like Seroquel and Risperdal have given me a longer fuse, and at the same time reduced the occurrences of psychotic breakdowns.

Emotionally, I'm completely flat most of the time. I feel indifferent to my environment and surroundings. There was one morning I went to open the fridge and a bunch of stuff collapsed out. Oddly enough, my reaction was indifferent to the situation, and I grabbed what I wanted out of the fridge and walked away and left the stuff laying in the floor because I genuinely didn't care. Part of that might have to do with some of the medications they put me on. My psychiatrist tried to flip that around and use that as an example for why the medications are working, but regardless, that reaction wasn't exactly normal either, just less destructive than usual. After they added Risperdal, I noticed an increased frequency of a lack of emotional response to certain situations, or in some cases, a delayed emotional reaction. Etc, it would take a few secs for anger to set in. Almost like I was emotionally confused about the situation. Probably due to that medication blocking certain receptors in my brain from activating, or at least impairing them.

 

[CZroe]

Only read the OP so far and I just want to thank you for telling people that the world doesn't revolve around them. Most of us don't have the balls because we are busy conforming to the same social norms you aspire to so that we can lead more civilized lives. I know people are just going to say that your post is a similar attention grab, but I didn't get that impression.

Edit: BTW, I'd love to play some KI or KI2 with you.

 

[Charmonium]

Have you (OP) ever heard of a forum called Mood Garden - http://moodgarden.org/forum/

I'm not sure how active the forum is any more but it used to be a good place to get support and advice

 

[disappoint]

I was thinking about cutting the picture of that dude out and using it as my avatar just to prove how little of a shit I actually give.

Why not do so?

 

[videogames101]

I'm in my 30s. Been on medications since I was 10 years old. My psychiatrist is thinking about putting me on depakote to help stabilize my mood. Like right now, I'm stable, but I don't react well to stress, or adversity. There is a layer of thin ice that separates me from appearing somewhat sane and rational to going berserk, or breaking down and having a panic attack which can be a trigger for me going berserk. I've been told I have a delusional perception about many things, but to me those thoughts and ideas feel sane and rational.

An example of a panic attack leading to me having a psychotic breakdown was a few years ago I lost my wallet which had a few hundred in cash in it. After looking for 5 minutes or so and not finding it, I started to panic. Thoughts raced through my head, I was getting paranoid that someone hid it just to f*** with me, or someone stole it, so I lashed out at everybody accusing them of stealing my wallet, etc, and then I just snapped and went psycho. I don't remember too many details. The police were called, and I got hit with a tazer. which I don't remember, but I had the marks from where the nodes went into my flesh.

Could you just, not?

 

[Chaosblade02]

Only read the OP so far and I just want to thank you for telling people that the world doesn't revolve around them. Most of us don't have the balls because we are busy conforming to the same social norms you aspire to so that we can lead more civilized lives.

"Social norms" - I hate that word. It comes across as an authoritarian mind set about the expectations about how people are supposed to behave in their minds. In many ways its contagious, because compliance eventually leads to acceptance. People are being manipulated whether they realize it or not. Humans are naturally a social species, so they seek the support and acceptance from others, and get butthurt if they don't receive it, but there are people like me who genuinely don't care about that social aspect. In other words, I will maintain to be belligerent to social norms I disagree with, because I don't care about the repercussions for non compliance. Unless it would negatively affect a position to which I'd like to maintain for personal gain in some way, and then I'd just lie to comply. Like for example, I'd never even entertain the idea of saying something that isn't PC on a facebook account with my real name attached to it. Which is something that someone with ulterior motives could use against me to degrade a position I'm looking to keep. I don't actually get to be myself in this society. I just reluctantly comply when its required. But I'll say what I really think behind a username like Chaosblade02. If the time comes when the shoe finds its way on the other foot, I wouldn't hesitate to apply boot heels to the ones who are imposing "social norms" on people today. My true colors would show themselves, and my true chaotic evil nature would blossom for all to see.

On a forums of this size, I know there are some others here to can at least understand where I'm coming from about some of this stuff I'm sharing.

 

[angminas]

Why are people being dicks to OP?

 

[Chaosblade02]

Why are people being dicks to OP?

I don't need you riding in on a white horse to defend me. The discussion is going fine as far as I'm concerned. Some of the remarks you think are them being "dicks" I chuckled over. I anticipated there would be such replies. Because this is the internet, and people should learn to check their sensitivities at the door the moment they start typing things in their web browser. I'll admit to being a dick myself. I might even be the biggest dickhead on these forums, and if that's the case then I'll wear it as a badge of honor.

You wanna know how big of a dick I am? I visualize tossing newborn babies up in the air and landing them on pikes while chuckling over the nuances about the reactions of a living organism being impaled on a pike. I sometimes have these thoughts right before I go to bed. A little bit of humor goes a long way in helping me sleep. If people weren't such dicks about social norms, maybe I could make a living running an after-birth abortion clinic :awe:. They're not human beings, they're unwanted bags of fetus material.