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Poll: Help me pick between 2 drafts of a short script - will take only a few minutes to help! ATOT will be credited ;)

S

slackerinabox

Lifer
Hey Guys,
Please check out these two drafts and then vote in the POLLS
sections.I can't decide which is better (I wrote one and then I
rewrote the other with a co-writer). I won't try to sway your vote but one of us found the superhero dialogue silly but in a flirty/playful way and the other one found it just stupid..Thanks!

(lets call this -without
superhero)

Without superhero dialogue
(With superhero dialogue)


(the scripts are identical after the couple leaves the bar)..
 
BUMP
(oh yeah, remember that film dialogue is not really natural because natural conversations are boring for the most part.. judge both compared to movie talk not real life)

Thanks!
 
I read the script without the superhero dialog first. I liked it becuase it seemed like he got into her panties too easily and was taking advantage of her and deserved his fate.
The one with the superhero script was too playful for me after reading the first script (she messing around with the sweater on him), and the effect at the end wasn't as effective.

Both are great though!
 
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Thanks for all the opinions guys, look forward to more thoughts..
Click to expand...

Sounds like it's going to be a fun production.
You're going to have to provide us pics of the 3 actors involved you know, ASAP (if they are willing)
🙂
 
Originally posted by: ajpa123
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Thanks for all the opinions guys, look forward to more thoughts..
Click to expand...

Sounds like it's going to be a fun production.
You're going to have to provide us pics of the 3 actors involved you know, ASAP (if they are willing)
🙂
Click to expand...

Hey, that's already up 🙂 go to our site and click on "Cast and Crew"
 
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Originally posted by: ajpa123
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Thanks for all the opinions guys, look forward to more thoughts..
Click to expand...

Sounds like it's going to be a fun production.
You're going to have to provide us pics of the 3 actors involved you know, ASAP (if they are willing)
🙂
Click to expand...

Hey, that's already up 🙂 go to our site and click on "Cast and Crew"
Click to expand...

COOL, thanks!
I will check out your site!
 
The script with the references to the superhero motif exhibits many more flaws in cohesiveness. Most likley, this is not happening in the second script as you took the time to review it and re-work it. I would encourage you to re-write the superhero-motif-script with your co-writer but maintaining the superhero motif.

Personally though, I think the superhero idea is cheesy, while people may act that way, it doesn't have the intended effect in this piece. To me, it seems you are trying to build an attractive quality to the woman in the bar and the "superhero" dialouge really detracts from it.

To inform you of my background so you know where I am coming from: I have been acting for countless years on stage in musicals, 1 acts, and the like. However, never any big-screen filmwork, just small films with my theater friends. With that said, as a live piece this obviously wouldn't work. Fortunatley, its a film, which allows you to really get creative with some camera angles in the bar. By focusing tightly on different physical aspects of the woman in the bar, you will be able to create attraction and a mystique that might not actually be there. This will allow your levels to become more distinct. Obviously, you can tell I judge a large part of this script's success on building an attractive characteristic into the woman in the bar.

Overall, this sounds fun! It looks like something that could go well.

Good luck.
 
Originally posted by: SXMP
The script with the references to the superhero motif exhibits many more flaws in cohesiveness. Most likley, this is not happening in the second script as you took the time to review it and re-work it. I would encourage you to re-write the superhero-motif-script with your co-writer but maintaining the superhero motif.

Personally though, I think the superhero idea is cheesy, while people may act that way, it doesn't have the intended effect in this piece. To me, it seems you are trying to build an attractive quality to the woman in the bar and the "superhero" dialouge really detracts from it.

To inform you of my background so you know where I am coming from: I have been acting for countless years on stage in musicals, 1 acts, and the like. However, never any big-screen filmwork, just small films with my theater friends. With that said, as a live piece this obviously wouldn't work. Fortunatley, its a film, which allows you to really get creative with some camera angles in the bar. By focusing tightly on different physical aspects of the woman in the bar, you will be able to create attraction and a mystique that might not actually be there. This will allow your levels to become more distinct. Obviously, you can tell I judge a large part of this script's success on building an attractive characteristic into the woman in the bar.

Overall, this sounds fun! It looks like something that could go well.

Good luck.
Click to expand...

I'm not exactly sure how the super hero one isn't "cohesive." I'm not saying that it is cohesive, I just am not sure what you mean.. I don't want to defend either versions but my intention is not to make the woman attractive via dialogue (I want to do that via shots,etc.) but to make it a kinda flrity scene and kinda fun too.
 
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