Poll: Help me pick between 2 drafts of a short script - will take only a few minutes to help! ATOT will be credited ;)

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S

slackerinabox

Lifer
Mar 15, 2003
12,668
103
106
Hey Guys,
Please check out these two drafts and then vote in the POLLS
sections.I can't decide which is better (I wrote one and then I
rewrote the other with a co-writer). I won't try to sway your vote but one of us found the superhero dialogue silly but in a flirty/playful way and the other one found it just stupid..Thanks!

(lets call this -without
superhero)

Without superhero dialogue
(With superhero dialogue)


(the scripts are identical after the couple leaves the bar)..
 
S

slackerinabox

Lifer
Mar 15, 2003
12,668
103
106
BUMP
(oh yeah, remember that film dialogue is not really natural because natural conversations are boring for the most part.. judge both compared to movie talk not real life)

Thanks!
 
D

Dufman

Golden Member
Dec 29, 2002
1,949
0
0
PM me the links
i have all day tommorrow to do nothing. i will read it then.
 
A

ajpa123

Platinum Member
Apr 19, 2003
2,401
1
0
I read the script without the superhero dialog first. I liked it becuase it seemed like he got into her panties too easily and was taking advantage of her and deserved his fate.
The one with the superhero script was too playful for me after reading the first script (she messing around with the sweater on him), and the effect at the end wasn't as effective.

Both are great though!
 
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ajpa123

Platinum Member
Apr 19, 2003
2,401
1
0
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Thanks for all the opinions guys, look forward to more thoughts..
Click to expand...

Sounds like it's going to be a fun production.
You're going to have to provide us pics of the 3 actors involved you know, ASAP (if they are willing)
:)
 
S

slackerinabox

Lifer
Mar 15, 2003
12,668
103
106
Originally posted by: ajpa123
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Thanks for all the opinions guys, look forward to more thoughts..
Click to expand...

Sounds like it's going to be a fun production.
You're going to have to provide us pics of the 3 actors involved you know, ASAP (if they are willing)
:)
Click to expand...

Hey, that's already up :) go to our site and click on "Cast and Crew"
 
A

ajpa123

Platinum Member
Apr 19, 2003
2,401
1
0
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Originally posted by: ajpa123
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Thanks for all the opinions guys, look forward to more thoughts..
Click to expand...

Sounds like it's going to be a fun production.
You're going to have to provide us pics of the 3 actors involved you know, ASAP (if they are willing)
:)
Click to expand...

Hey, that's already up :) go to our site and click on "Cast and Crew"
Click to expand...

COOL, thanks!
I will check out your site!
 
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SXMP

Senior member
Oct 22, 2000
741
0
0
The script with the references to the superhero motif exhibits many more flaws in cohesiveness. Most likley, this is not happening in the second script as you took the time to review it and re-work it. I would encourage you to re-write the superhero-motif-script with your co-writer but maintaining the superhero motif.

Personally though, I think the superhero idea is cheesy, while people may act that way, it doesn't have the intended effect in this piece. To me, it seems you are trying to build an attractive quality to the woman in the bar and the "superhero" dialouge really detracts from it.

To inform you of my background so you know where I am coming from: I have been acting for countless years on stage in musicals, 1 acts, and the like. However, never any big-screen filmwork, just small films with my theater friends. With that said, as a live piece this obviously wouldn't work. Fortunatley, its a film, which allows you to really get creative with some camera angles in the bar. By focusing tightly on different physical aspects of the woman in the bar, you will be able to create attraction and a mystique that might not actually be there. This will allow your levels to become more distinct. Obviously, you can tell I judge a large part of this script's success on building an attractive characteristic into the woman in the bar.

Overall, this sounds fun! It looks like something that could go well.

Good luck.
 
S

slackerinabox

Lifer
Mar 15, 2003
12,668
103
106
Originally posted by: SXMP
The script with the references to the superhero motif exhibits many more flaws in cohesiveness. Most likley, this is not happening in the second script as you took the time to review it and re-work it. I would encourage you to re-write the superhero-motif-script with your co-writer but maintaining the superhero motif.

Personally though, I think the superhero idea is cheesy, while people may act that way, it doesn't have the intended effect in this piece. To me, it seems you are trying to build an attractive quality to the woman in the bar and the "superhero" dialouge really detracts from it.

To inform you of my background so you know where I am coming from: I have been acting for countless years on stage in musicals, 1 acts, and the like. However, never any big-screen filmwork, just small films with my theater friends. With that said, as a live piece this obviously wouldn't work. Fortunatley, its a film, which allows you to really get creative with some camera angles in the bar. By focusing tightly on different physical aspects of the woman in the bar, you will be able to create attraction and a mystique that might not actually be there. This will allow your levels to become more distinct. Obviously, you can tell I judge a large part of this script's success on building an attractive characteristic into the woman in the bar.

Overall, this sounds fun! It looks like something that could go well.

Good luck.
Click to expand...

I'm not exactly sure how the super hero one isn't "cohesive." I'm not saying that it is cohesive, I just am not sure what you mean.. I don't want to defend either versions but my intention is not to make the woman attractive via dialogue (I want to do that via shots,etc.) but to make it a kinda flrity scene and kinda fun too.
 
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