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Old-fashioned Asian parents + First generation marriages = DISASTER

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Marrying off a son is different from marrying off the daughter - the son carries on the family name - the daughter doesn't, and isn't considered to be direct family anymore. (Least from what my mom told me - I'm Chinese, older sister just got married 3 Saturdays ago - we had dinner with relatives we know at a chinese restaurant)
 
"why not have 1 wedding ceremony and 2 receptions?"

I Am Me's remedy sounds best so far. Nevertheless, if that weren't a viable option, there's no way in hell I'll let my mummy or my significant other's mummy have it here. I don't care whether it's a Black, White, Asian, Aboriginal, Orange, Purple, you name it family.

As fas as joy is concerned, culture is irrelevant in this particular matter. What we have amidst us is a case of what constitutes happiness and the purpose of traditions in wedding.

For me, if I go all the way to wed someone, I believe our happiness must also be contained in the celebration. For me, I find happiness in a few, not many. I like close kind of celebration, where people who really mean much to me will be the ones right by my side. We share our times and have an intimate moment. I do not believe in big wedding/party. However, if that is happiness as the brides and bridegrooms define it, I have no problems.

In this case, nonetheless, it is quite to the contrary. The soon to be newly weds have indicated their preferences. They should not have to live the life of a mother/in-law. Under no circumstance should her dreams be fulfilled at someone else's expense. She had the chance to live it up to her dreams, now it is her son's.

Again, the best I would say is what I Am Me suggested: Have a reception for both, where one is intimate and the other is not.

Gosh! There's another reason to keep mother-inlaws from the men's side distant. :| 🙁 I guess that's why I appreciate mother-inlaws who know their boundaries and respect their in-laws.
 
I say go with the big banquet that your mom wants. Haven't you been to one? They're fun! Tons of good food, kareoke, and all the XO you can drink!

Hey set a table aside. You know, for 15 ATer's that decide to show up. 😉
 
As fas as joy is concerned, culture is irrelevant in this particular matter. What we have amidst us is a case of what constitutes happiness and the purpose of traditions in wedding.

In this case, nonetheless, it is quite to the contrary. The soon to be newly weds have indicated their preferences. They shouls not have to live the life of a mother/in-law. Under no circumstance should her dreams be fulfilled at someone else's expense. She had the chance to live it up to her dreams, now it is her sons.

seems clear to me that culture is extremely relevant. what traditions are you talking about? *you* are referring to *western* traditions.

and for those who are advocating just ignoring the mom... no, i'm sorry, you either just don't understand the situation, or you're extremely stubborn.
 
My parents are hindu, i'm an atheist. Normally, its not a problem, but I have a feeling all the cerimonious activities that will occur in my future (ie weddings, births, etc) will cause havoc in my family. Oh well, I can try to get my folks to focus on my sister.
 
if its possible to partly please both the couple and your mom...but if your mom is trly so hard headed, maybe you can flex a lil and give her what she wants. just a thought (im chinese too, i know what its like)
 
asian moms being hard headed, stubborn and obstinate?

and it took you how long to figure it all out?

and another thing, asians ALWAYS value the son more than the daughter. as much as its easy to say "mom, this is my wedding and were going to have it the way we want to" its not. see, asian families, particularly MOMS have this thing i call HIC syndrome.

HIC=head in cement. they are impervious to logic, reason, and intellect. their way or the highway. symptoms include: ignorance, pigheadedness, and inability to change opinions when presented with new information.

theres also a top 10 list....why you wont see an asian president anytime soon. one of the things on the list is that an asian mom can nag a secret service detail crazy

"uh mrs. lee, you cant go in there. the presidents having an important meeting"

"but my son has to drink his ching-bo-leung"

"mrs. lee, you still cant go in there"

"he has too much yeet-hay, did you see what he ate the dinner party last night"

"yes mrs. lee, i tasted most of the food to make sure it wasnt poisoned"

"aah, you have too much yeet hay, drink this bowl of ching-bo leung"

"uh mrs lee, my "yeet hay" is just fine i'll be"

"DRINK YOUR CHING BO LEUNG!!!"

*asian mom forces secret service agent to drink concoction of chinese herbs*

"ahh, agent needs assistance HELP!!!"

in conclusion, the entire point of this post is that asian moms nag until they get their way. if they dont, i suggest you seek shelter. spoken with experience.
 
Go Punk, is not mummy creating a false dilemma here? How about kid does it his way and then they can have the big celebration [crap]?

Well, let's put it this way, Go Punk: As far as I'm concerned, where tradition and individualism come in conflict, it is the tradition that must be give. I know many will disagree with this, but that is my philosophy.

(Here I speak of "tradition" in accordance with "rituals" basically).
 
When my wife and I announced to my parents, "We're engaged!", my mother replied, "To what end?"

She is completely detached from reality, explaining that the 60's weren't that long ago, and how she can't believe no one will fix her rotary telephone. It's infuriating at times, but funny as hell.

Now, my parents practically begged us to elope. They don't deal well with large groups, and have managed to alienate themselves from most of my aunts and uncles, which is fine by me, because the old family tree ain't very impressive.

Problem is, when the guest list was drawn up, it came to a respectable 120 people. Not too big, not too small. Problem: the split was 100 bride's side, 20 groom's side. Even when counting mutual friends for my side. The church looked a little lopsided.

My parents fretted for a while about how they should approach her parents about splitting the cost. They were prepared to pay for half, but the thought of doing that left them feeling uneasy.

So, how did the parent's split the cost? Easy. They didn't. Jennifer's parents payed for the wedding. My parents bought us a Mercury Mystique. Pretty good start for a pair of 25 year-olds.

Still, I think her parents were a little shocked.

Now, five years later, if I could only get my wife out of grad school...

Craig
 
Go Punk, is not mummy creating a false dilemma here? How about kid does it his way and then they can have the big celebration [crap]?

well if his mom agrees, great.

Well, let's put it this way, Go Punk: As far as I'm concerned, where tradition and individualism come in conflict, it is the tradition that must be give. I know many will disagree with this, but that is my philosophy. (Here I speak of "tradition" in accordance with "rituals" basically).

well it really boils down to how much you value your relationship with your family compared to making your wife slightly unhappy.
 
Generally whoever is paying makes the choices. If it's your brother, he should make the decisions paying only as much heed to your mom as he wants to.
On the other hand if your mom is paying he isn't going to have as much pull...

When my wife and I got married, everyone paid some, but my wife's parents were the biggest payers so their suggestions went a long way.
 
oh, and gopunk is right. if you completly ignore the asian mom, there will be pain, suffering, and/or excommunication from the family
 
in honor of psychoandy (particularly relevant ones in bold 🙂):

1. White House not big enough for in-laws.
2. Engineering, medicine, and law always preferred over politics.
3. Oval Office has bad feng shui.
4. Can't find decent roast duck inside the beltway.
5. Secret service can't handle nagging from mother.
6. Dignitaries generally intimidated by chopsticks at state dinners.
7. No chance for promotion.
8. Lactose intolerance not considered politically correct.
9. Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in.
10. Air Force One: No frequent flyer miles.
 
1) tell them to elope 🙂

2) who's paying for the wedding? if not your mom, then have the wedding whatever u like. if your mom, then see part 1 🙂

if it was my wedding, i dont care what my parents think. then again, that usually the case now on any opinion from them.

also i usually turn my back on unreasonable people. so in this case, dont invite your mom to the wedding 🙂

 
To those of you saying that "do whatever you want because its your wedding"

Dont you think you are being a little selfish here? Parents are greatly involved in a wedding, and their wishes should be respected and carried out in such an event. Afterall they gave you birth, there wouldnt be a wedding if you werent born. Be grateful and be respectful, a person does whatever that pleases himself is a selfish person. parents live to see the day of your college graduation, your wedding and other important lifetime events. and i dont understand why is it so hard to follow their orders, its not like they are choosing your wife for you, they are simply asking for an extravagant event that will be remembered as one of their happiest memory in their lifetime, and putting the smiles on their faces is what truly makes me happy.
 
I dont know whether this has been suggested ot not because I did not read the whole thread but anyways, have a small wedding and a grand banquet. That will keep everybody happy. Dont just ignore your mom, even if she's a little hard to convince. Good luck!
 
Yeah, I don't get some parents. My girflriend's mom doesn't like me because I'm white. She's nice to me and stuff, but she always tells my girlfriend, why not another Chinese person? I don't get it, I thought this was supposed to be like a, I don't care what your skin color or ethnicity is, as long as your a good person, etc.

But, perhaps having two weddings might be the answer.. My neighbor's sister got married 3 times. First time was for legal reasons, she met the guy in India, she's Indian too, and his VISA was running out, so they got married for legal reasons the first time. It was just a quick marrage so the guy, who is a very nice guy, could stay in the country. The second marrage was on this special day where the moon is reborn or something, it's a "Good Luck" day I guess. And then, they got married again on July 4, and that was the big huge wedding where they invited friends and family and junk..

And does anyone watch Titus? Just make sure your mom doesn't shoot anyone 🙂
-- mrcodedude
 
here is your solution. Have the big party, BUT make 1 little rule. ONLY BLOOD RELATIVES.

that should cut down the list.
 


<<

<< I believe the wedding plans are to be made by the couple getting married. Your brother should be respectful of your mother's wishes, but insist on what he and his fiancee want. He should gently but firmly insist that they want a small banquet and they are going to make arrangements for a small banquet.

True enough. Since when does the groom's parents have any say in how the wedding goes, anyway? That's up to the bride and future battle axe . . . err, mother in law. >>



the groom's parents have plenty say because they're giving up a son... >>



Unless he plans to break all contact with them after the marriage (in which case he doesn't need to please them anymore either), they're not giving up a son, they're gaining a daughter.

Edit: This is their marriage, the mother should think about what makes them happy, rather than what she'd like to see. If she really wants it that bad just split the wedding into two: first a small, private wedding ceremony, then a big reception with all those brothers of the son in law of the neighbour of the aunt of the man who fixed the toilet once of your niece's husband.

Edit 2: She wants to show off, that's the problem. She'll think he 'doesn't love her anymore' if he refuses it, so unless you can talk her out of it she won't let go, and if he just bluntly refuses she'll hold it against him and her for years to come.
 
Chinese mom + first son getting married = big ass $$ wedding. No way around it dude (I have it worse......... I'm the only son 😉 😛 ).

In Western weddings the brides sided pays for it but in Chinese weddings the grooms side flips the bill (although now a days both sides chip in). If your lucky the wedding will be paid for by the large amount of money recieved as gifts.

What really gets interesting is the 'pig' ceremony (mostly southern chinese but depends on your village tradition). I had to deliver a roasted piglet with many other pastries to the brides family (one of those traditions). Very interesting ceremoney. Also the tea ceremoney 🙂 Very cool.......... you get lots of $$$ & jewelry 🙂

Good luck with this dude 😀

Cheers,
Aquaman
 
Oh.......... I forgot to mention............ if he does not do it it's down to son #2 (that would be you) 😉

Cheers,
Aquaman
 
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