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Old-fashioned Asian parents + First generation marriages = DISASTER

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erikiksaz

Diamond Member
I'm not even directly involved in this situation, and it's already pissing me off. Here's the story:

My brother and his girlfriend were recently engaged, after a 8 year relationship. (w00t for them) Well anyways, they're starting to plan the wedding, and the banquet holds priority on the to-be-planned list. Knowing my brother and his girlfriend, they wouldn't want anything extravagent. They just want a small, tightly-knit banquet, only extended to close relatives. BUT, here's the problem. My mom being old fashioned and all, she's not into the small banquet types. She wants a HUGE, EXTRAVAGANT banquet, held at a Chinese restaurant with hundreds of relatives, much of whom my bro and future sister in law have never known to exist. And for some reason, it's only my mom that has this problem, since my bro's fiancee's parents are fine with the couple's wishes. The difficulty, however, is reasoning with my mom, i swear to god that she's the most hard-headed person i know. She's pulling phony bologni oldschool excuses like, "it'll disgrace our family," and, "why can't you give me this one day to be proud?" It's funny though, since the only reasonable answer that my bro can blow off is, "Mom, this is OUR WEDDING, we'll do what we want to do!" And i fully agree with him.

But, prior to this engagement, my older sister was married a few years ago. She married a caucasion d00d, and at first of course, my mom was skeptical, although we all throught (and still think) he's a great guy. But anyways, they didn't have the traditional Chinese wedding either. So what do you guys think, does my mom deserve her banquet, or do the engaged couple deserve theirs? And most importantly, how would you deal with my mom? And TRUST ME, normal tactics will not work here, she is extremely hard-headed.
 
after a while you will realize that the wedding is more for your parents then for you or your brother, id say just make her happy and let her deal with it, but me personally if she wanted to do it id ask her to make all the plans because i get bored doing that kind of stuff
 
yea i get the feeling that when i get married (a long time from now 🙂), i'll just let everybody else fight it out while i watch tv. just tell me what time and day and i'll be there.
 
You realize that with a Chinese mother, none of your lives are yours. All your base belong to Mom. But honestly, it's her SON, it's just the way things are, I understand that she'd make a big deal over her son's wedding and not her daughters. I just wish you good luck in dealing with things, seeing that there is no weakness in the CM's (chinese mom) attack.

But on another note, congrats to your brother. He'll be happy no matter what, just let your mom be happy the way she wants to be happy. After all, after that moment, your brother has a new woman in the forefront, technically, so this is your mom's last chance to gloat and whatnot.

shutting up now. gotta love Chinese families. 🙂
 
I believe the wedding plans are to be made by the couple getting married. Your brother should be respectful of your mother's wishes, but insist on what he and his fiancee want. He should gently but firmly insist that they want a small banquet and they are going to make arrangements for a small banquet.

If your brother and his bride-to-be make the plans, then the banquet will be exactly what they want. It's that easy. Your mom can't plan a second one at the same time. And if by some chance she does, then your brother tells her to enjoy herself, because he and his wife will be at the small one they arranged for.
 


<< I believe the wedding plans are to be made by the couple getting married. Your brother should be respectful of your mother's wishes, but insist on what he and his fiancee want. He should gently but firmly insist that they want a small banquet and they are going to make arrangements for a small banquet.

If your brother and his bride-to-be make the plans, then the banquet will be exactly what they want. It's that easy. Your mom can't plan a second one at the same time. And if by some chance she does, then your brother tells her to enjoy herself, because he and his wife will be at the small one they arranged for. >>



eh, this is going to lead to nothing but pain and suffering. very western.
 
I believe the wedding plans are to be made by the couple getting married. Your brother should be respectful of your mother's wishes, but insist on what he and his fiancee want. He should gently but firmly insist that they want a small banquet and they are going to make arrangements for a small banquet.

True enough. Since when does the groom's parents have any say in how the wedding goes, anyway? That's up to the bride and future battle axe . . . err, mother in law.
 


<< I believe the wedding plans are to be made by the couple getting married. Your brother should be respectful of your mother's wishes, but insist on what he and his fiancee want. He should gently but firmly insist that they want a small banquet and they are going to make arrangements for a small banquet.

True enough. Since when does the groom's parents have any say in how the wedding goes, anyway? That's up to the bride and future battle axe . . . err, mother in law. >>



the groom's parents have plenty say because they're giving up a son...
 


<<

<< I believe the wedding plans are to be made by the couple getting married. Your brother should be respectful of your mother's wishes, but insist on what he and his fiancee want. He should gently but firmly insist that they want a small banquet and they are going to make arrangements for a small banquet.

If your brother and his bride-to-be make the plans, then the banquet will be exactly what they want. It's that easy. Your mom can't plan a second one at the same time. And if by some chance she does, then your brother tells her to enjoy herself, because he and his wife will be at the small one they arranged for. >>



eh, this is going to lead to nothing but pain and suffering. very western. >>

I agree, Kranky: unfortunately it's not that simple with asian parents. His brother, wife, and future offspring will most likely be excommunicated from the rest of the family (or close to it). But seeing that his older sister was allowed to marry a caucasian guy, his brother should be able to negotiate a medium sized wedding.
Erikiksaz: Maybe your brother should tell your mother that he can't afford what she wants? From there he can have her settle with a less grand wedding.
 


<<

<<

<< I believe the wedding plans are to be made by the couple getting married. Your brother should be respectful of your mother's wishes, but insist on what he and his fiancee want. He should gently but firmly insist that they want a small banquet and they are going to make arrangements for a small banquet.

If your brother and his bride-to-be make the plans, then the banquet will be exactly what they want. It's that easy. Your mom can't plan a second one at the same time. And if by some chance she does, then your brother tells her to enjoy herself, because he and his wife will be at the small one they arranged for. >>



eh, this is going to lead to nothing but pain and suffering. very western. >>

I agree, Kranky: unfortunately it's not that simple with asian parents. His brother, wife, and future offspring will most likely be excommunicated from the rest of the family (or close to it). But seeing that his older sister was allowed to marry a caucasian guy, his brother should be able to negotiate a medium sized wedding.
Erikiksaz: Maybe your brother should tell your mother that he can't afford what she wants? From there he can have her settle with a less grand wedding. >>



😀

i can just imagine it

"mom... uh.. we can't afford that kind of a wedding"

"oh don't worry, we'll pay for it"

"damn"

"what was that?"

"oh uh... nothing"
 
why not have 1 wedding ceremony and 2 receptions? the primary ceremony and reception can be the smaller intimate one. the 2nd reception can be the "all out" big celebration w/ all the relatives and friends that your mom wants. i'm not entirely familiar w/ Chinese tradition, but don't more people in the U.S. goto the reception?
 
the groom's parents have plenty say because they're giving up a son...

It must be different for Chinese, because the groom's parents in every wedding I've ever attended didn't do much other than show up and enjoy the free food and drinks.
 


<< the groom's parents have plenty say because they're giving up a son...

It must be different for Chinese, because the groom's parents in every wedding I've ever attended didn't do much other than show up and enjoy the free food and drinks. >>



yea i think it is different (i meant to imply it, but i guess it didn't come across very well). sons are useful because they can provide for the family, etc, so it's a big deal when a family gives up a son. daughters... blah. one less mouth to feed 😛
 
I admit I can't understand how someone could be excommunicated from their family over the size of a wedding reception. But if that's the way it is, so be it.

But if the mother gets to call the shots, what was the point of the original post? Why ask about who should get their way? I'm not trying to be a smart ass, I am just missing the point.
 
yep this is very typical of asian parents. its really just a show-off event meaning the more people you get the more proud your parents will be.
as much as i dont like this tradition, but i would do it if i was requested by my parents to do so. asian parents consider marriage once in a life time thing(they dont really like divorces) so i think your brother should make her happy even if that means giving up what he wants.
 


<< Erikiksaz: Maybe your brother should tell your mother that he can't afford what she wants? From there he can have her settle with a less grand wedding. >>



I'll scribble that down and pass it to my bro the next time he drops by 😛

And, if my brother and his fiancee decide to go on with the banquet without my mom's consent, well....



<< this is going to lead to nothing but pain and suffering >>



Man, i'd love to see how this unravels when this all goes down a year.5 from now.
 


<<

<< the groom's parents have plenty say because they're giving up a son...

It must be different for Chinese, because the groom's parents in every wedding I've ever attended didn't do much other than show up and enjoy the free food and drinks. >>



yea i think it is different (i meant to imply it, but i guess it didn't come across very well). sons are useful because they can provide for the family, etc, so it's a big deal when a family gives up a son. daughters... blah. one less mouth to feed 😛 >>




dont forget about those pesky dowrys too.


lol, all your base are belong to Indian Mom too.
 
I admit I can't understand how someone could be excommunicated from their family over the size of a wedding reception. But if that's the way it is, so be it.

well, the mom will look at it like this: the son loves the wife more than the mom. the fury will be great. you can not believe.

But if the mother gets to call the shots, what was the point of the original post? Why ask about who should get their way? I'm not trying to be a smart ass, I am just missing the point.

i think they're looking for a miracle 😛
 


<< yep this is very typical of asian parents. its really just a show-off event meaning the more people you get the more proud your parents will be.
as much as i dont like this tradition, but i would do it if i was requested by my parents to do so. asian parents consider marriage once in a life time thing(they dont really like divorces) so i think your brother should make her happy even if that means giving up what he wants. >>



i'm with ya... i disagree, but i would let them do what they wanted... (partly because i'm indoctrinated, partly because i dont' really care anyways 😛).

if you want to know what the parents are thinking:

we raised this boy from birth to adulthood, now we get to show him and his pretty wife off.
 
I know what you're talking about. My aunt on my dad side of the family, who are Chinese, planned two huge weddings for her two kids. I enjoyed them though, the food was great. I never knew I had so many family members in America 🙂, albeit very distant relatives. I wouldn't want the same for my wedding.
 
well, the mom will look at it like this: the son loves the wife more than the mom. the fury will be great. you can not believe.

Dude, that is just WRONG.

When I get married, my wife is my family. Yes, I will still love my parents, brothers, sisters, etc., but your wife/husband and kids take precedent over other family. Your wife and children become your immediate family.

So you say it should be that the son loves his mom more than his wife? There's a term for that - it's called MAMA'S BOY, and most of those marriages don't do so well.
 
well, the mom will look at it like this: the son loves the wife more than the mom. the fury will be great. you can not believe.

Dude, that is just WRONG.

When I get married, my wife is my family. Yes, I will still love my parents, brothers, sisters, etc., but your wife/husband and kids take precedent over other family. Your wife and children become your immediate family.

well the chinese think similarly, except the wife is excluded 😉 your children take precedent over all else, then immediate family, then wife. at least that's what your mom would like. in reality it depends i guess. the children take precedent because well... they're an exension of the line. the wife is like just this thing on the side of the line. your parents theoretically go before your wife because they were the ones that gave you life... you wouldn't be there in the first place if it weren't for them.

So you say it should be that the son loves his mom more than his wife? There's a term for that - it's called MAMA'S BOY, and most of those marriages don't do so well.

no, i'm just saying that's what the mom is thinking. i don't think it makes anybody a mama's boy or whatever... it's just different than it is here (western culture).
 
AHAHA.

i just asked my mom (to make sure i got it right) and she basically confirmed what i said earlier (for a tradionally minded mother, that is, not necessarily herself) and she goes "OF COURSE... the wife is LAST person on the earth!" i cracked up... but in a way it's true. the mom looks at the wife as the one who took her son away.
 
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