My wife of 11 years is splitting with me :(

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zmatrix

Senior member
Mar 1, 2001
948
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After 11 and a half years of being married to my wonderful wife (highschool sweethearts), we are splitting. Details aren't important but let's say she ended up realizing that we weren't compatible. She was a great wife, always spoke her mind and never played any games. It was me who took that for granted and now she's leaving me. I still want her back but I was handed my last chance and blew it. She doesn't blame me because she knew that we saw things differently and that she could not put up with it anymore. I don't know how to get pass the idea that we aren't a couple any more. She wants us to still be friends and tells me that I will find someone who is more compatible with me. At the moment, we will still live together, do the same things but are not romantically involved anymore. I am so terribly saddened by this but at the same time I am not sure if it's hurting me to stay with her for awhile until I get up on my feet. She has already moved on emotionally but still cares for me greatly as a friend. At times I just want to ball my eyes out.

Has this happen in some way similar to any of you? Can a couple who has been together that long still be great friends? Is it bad for me to still stay with her like this? I need some guidance and support and hope some of you can help. I am so miserable.

Edit: Thanks to everyone who's contributed. It's helping me come to grips with it.
 
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broon

Diamond Member
Jun 5, 2002
3,660
1
81
Sorry to hear that. I've never experienced this before but I know if my wife and I split I wouldn't be able to live with her. But since everyone's different, some people can. I know people who have done that before. It sounds like it's not working for you. Do you have children? How about family or friends that you can live with for a time?
 
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xuanman

Golden Member
Oct 5, 2002
1,417
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i'm sorry to hear of your misfortune. my initial impression is that it doesn't help you that both of you are still living together. that being said, you sound very distraught and it may be a good idea to seek some counseling through family, friends, and perhaps professional help. good luck.
 
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zmatrix

Senior member
Mar 1, 2001
948
0
0
No kids yet. But it feels good to stay with her and logically I can handle it. But when I think about her and how I lost her emotionally, I start to break down and want to cry. Sigh.
 
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Yossarian

Lifer
Dec 26, 2000
18,010
1
81
I'm no psych professional, but I don't think you can even begin to get over it until you are no longer living together.
 
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gump47371

Senior member
Dec 18, 2001
726
0
0
First of all, I want to say I am terribly sorry about your loss. I know it doesn't compare, but I temporarily lost my girlfriend of 3+ years about a year ago. Bawled my eyes out for at least 20 mins when it happened, and felt sick and empty for 2 weeks or more, so I know it is WAY worse for you.

As for still being good friends, that will be up to you. IMO, I couldn't stand seeing someone that I was romantically involved with for that long with someone else. I just heard about some people my girlfriend was with, and it tore me up, but you will have to handle that from your own feelings.

As for living with her until you or her or both can get some things situated around, I see nothing wrong with that, other then her being there to remind you of your loss all the time, but I don't think you will need any help remembering.

Hope I helped some, but most of it, as I said, will have to be your decisions. I pray for you, and hope that somehow you will get one more chance and make it a success somehow. Good luck, and you are in my prayers.

*EDIT* You keep talking about crying. IMHO, there is nothing wrong with a good cry. As I said ^, I BAWLED, like a little kid, for at least 20 mins. One of those loud, can't get your breath cries. I still missed her, but at least it let some of it out.
 
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gopunk

Lifer
Jul 7, 2001
29,239
2
0
man that sucks.... i have never been married or divorced, so i can't really help you too much.... but good luck :(
 
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broon

Diamond Member
Jun 5, 2002
3,660
1
81
Originally posted by: zmatrix
No kids yet. But it feels good to stay with her and logically I can handle it. But when I think about her and how I lost her emotionally, I start to break down and want to cry. Sigh.
Click to expand...

The reason it feels good is because in a way, it's like nothing has changed. It sounds like the best thing is for you to move out, no matter how hard it is. But like xuanman said, you should seek help from either a professional or someone close to you that really knows you.
 
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dirtboy

Diamond Member
Oct 9, 1999
6,745
1
81
When my ex-wife and I got divorced, I was gone within 10 days. I didn't see her again and since we settled out of court, a couple months later I got a letter from her lawyer saying it was finalized.

You can't be friends. You're going to have to accept that.
 
UDT89

UDT89

Diamond Member
Jul 31, 2001
4,529
0
76
i think you should move out or she should move out. its hard enough to get over someone you are emotionally attached to, but to see them everyday its even harder to do.

The best thing in the beginning is to put a lot of space between yourself and the person you are attached to. Then when you get back on your feet emotionally, being friends then could be an option.
 
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chiwawa626

Lifer
Aug 15, 2000
12,013
0
0
love.. hate.. mistakes...
tell me what you think is going on
we date.. all day...
tell me what you think is going on
too late.. heart break...
tell me what you think is going on
 
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djheater

Lifer
Mar 19, 2001
14,637
2
0
Originally posted by: Gonad the Barbarian
If you can stay friends, you can stay married. Take that either way you want to.
Click to expand...

I agree...


details are important, though you should be telling a counselor or a great friend these things and not us. Perhaps a minister?
 
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wolf papa

Senior member
Dec 12, 1999
738
0
0
sorry to hear that. I'd be lost without my wife.

I don't think you can deal with the break-up while you're still pysically sharing living space. If it were me, I would have to have a clean, but complete break. Then deal with it, explore some other options (personal growth and new interests , a hobby). Maybe in the future, friendship is possible, but not until the split has been digested. She may change her mind, or realize the positives you added to her life, but that probably won't happen while you're around, she has to miss you first.

But, living in the same house, there's too much potential for wishful thinking and misunderstandings - (I wonder what she really meant when she said "Good morning"?). Or for the situation to degrade to the point that either or both of you become bitter. That would kill the chances for a mature friendship.
 
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Desslok

Diamond Member
Jun 14, 2001
3,780
11
81
Sorry for your lose, but should you really be living together? How can you begin to heal when you will see her everyday?
 
spanky

spanky

Lifer
Jun 19, 2001
25,716
4
81
sorry to hear that... best of luck to you, no matter how the situation turns out.
 
AnyMal

AnyMal

Lifer
Nov 21, 2001
15,780
0
76
Firs off, I am sorry to hear about your heartache. If it is of any comfort, you are not the only one in that situation. Back in 1998 my wife of 7 years told me she wanted out. We grew apart, simply because we were very young when we got married; over time we matured and changed. So really. it's neither yours or her fault, those things do happen. While it is not likely that you will remain close friends, time will heal your wounds. Believe me when I say, everything happens for a reason and for the better.

Hang in there dude, it will get better.
 
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