My wife of 11 years is splitting with me :(

"After 11 and a half years of being married to my wonderful wife (highschool sweethearts), we are splitting."

It is sad but really true: First loves, high school sweethearts, etc. don't last forever in almost all cases. However, not many pass the gf/bf stage and get married. So, you two did well to commit yourselves to marriage for 11 years. It's very disheartening though to be committed to someone for that long only to be disappointed at the end. At least there aren't any kids in the picture.

"She wants us to still be friends and tells me that I will find someone who is more compatible with me. At the moment, we will still live together, do the same things but are not romantically involved anymore. I am so terribly saddened by this but at the same time I am not sure if it's hurting me to stay with her for awhile until I get up on my feet. She has already moved on emotionally but still cares for me greatly as a friend. At times I just want to ball my eyes out"

Good thing! You both sound like mature people. You definitely have an extremely mature wife, and to some extent that may be why she no longer sees you two as compatible. I do hope that you both remain great friends and find each other to confide in when having difficult times. You can move on feeling better about yourselves and understanding that it was not meant to be. You love this woman a lot, it sounds. But some things in our lives are external forces and beyond our control. You will find someone great who reciprocates your feeling and appreciates you much. It will never be the same as your first, but it will be with a deeper understanding and a higher level of appreciation.

You never know what's in stock for you. Best of luck, Zmatrix!

 

[Xionide]

Originally posted by: gopunk

Originally posted by: voodoo33500

Originally posted by: Desslok

Originally posted by: voodoo33500

Originally posted by: Dacalo Time will heal it....

go to hell

WOW! someone is a little bitter!!

im bitter about things that arent true

well eventually you die

the sooner the better maybe i can haunt you then

 

About living with her, in my opinion: It is okay to live with her. Your case is quite different from most divorce cases. You have a woman who's understanding, cares about you but isn't compatible with you in other aspects. For her, living with you wouldn't be a problem. The problem would stem from your side because you are still emotionally attached to her.

But in spite of that, it's okay to live with her being that she understands and is willing to give you the support to get on your own. Don't abruptly leave the house (or her). Continue living with her but increase your outdoor activities, things you love to do and would work well for a single person (or get a close female friend). As you continue to do these, your emotions will gradually get stable. You'll gradually detach yourself emotionally, and then you'll move out hardly noticing much.

If you resort to moving out abruptly, you would l rather have a much lasting sadness, anger and your relationship with her will get bad. You would also have trouble maintaining relationships with women you meet after, as you would be subconsciously putting so much weight on them. So, do the move out gradually. Again, I say this because you two have a very long history dating back to significant periods of your lives, and she's a very understanding woman.

 

[GtPrOjEcTX]

geez, quit bickering...

time heals all wounds, but then again time wounds all heals.

 

[PG]

Originally posted by: zmatrix
After 11 and a half years of being married to my wonderful wife (highschool sweethearts), we are splitting. Details aren't important but let's say she ended up realizing that we weren't compatible. She was a great wife, always spoke her mind and never played any games. It was me who took that for granted and now she's leaving me. I still want her back but I was handed my last chance and blew it. She doesn't blame me because she knew that we saw things differently and that she could not put up with it anymore. I don't know how to get pass the idea that we aren't a couple any more. She wants us to still be friends and tells me that I will find someone who is more compatible with me. At the moment, we will still live together, do the same things but are not romantically involved anymore. I am so terribly saddened by this but at the same time I am not sure if it's hurting me to stay with her for awhile until I get up on my feet. She has already moved on emotionally but still cares for me greatly as a friend. At times I just want to ball my eyes out.

Has this happen in some way similar to any of you? Can a couple who has been together that long still be great friends? Is it bad for me to still stay with her like this? I need some guidance and support and hope some of you can help. I am so miserable.

Sounds like my divorce in a way. I was the one dumped and she also said she wanted to still be friends. I'm sorry, but the friends part will not really work out. You can't still go hang out with her and do things with her. We might talk on the phone once in a while....she calls when she needs something...but we would never go out to dinner, movies, etc. It just won't work that way.

Don't blame yourself so much. I did the same thing as well. You do need some time to yourself to get over this, and as others have said you need to move out, or she needs to move out. Get involved in some activities or something so you can meet some new people and make some friends. I'm not talking about dating again, but that will come in time. I started to volunteer at a local hospital and I might join the Jaycees. Don't try to jump into a new relationship quickly, but if you do meet someone don't move too fast, just take it easy.

One hard thing for me has been dealing with holidays and not spending so much time with her family and friends. But that's my own fault in a way for putting all my eggs in one basket so to speak. I didn't have a lot of my own friends, I hope you do. You will need them for support. If you don't, as I said before, get involved in some activities or volunteer somewhere. It will make you feel better. Overall, this is something you have to handle in your own way and it can make you a much stronger and better person. Good luck.

 

[Zebo]

Originally posted by: UDT89
i think you should move out or she should move out. its hard enough to get over someone you are emotionally attached to, but to see them everyday its even harder to do.

The best thing in the beginning is to put a lot of space between yourself and the person you are attached to. Then when you get back on your feet emotionally, being friends then could be an option.

This is probably what I would do...

 

[geno]

One of my dad's friends got a divorce after 25 yrs of marriage, they were also highschool sweethearts (married @ 19 or something like that)... it's very unfortunate because when you get married at that age, it's a huge investment and you're sacraficing a lot of things for the marriage. I'm very sorry to hear the news though, I wish you the best through it

 

[guyver01]

Originally posted by: ohtwell
I'm sorry to hear about that.

 

[roncarter]

Once you find someone else, it will feel better..

 

[her209]

For one, stop posting here and take care of more urgent matters

 

[Yeeny]

I am going through the exact same thing with my ex right now. We still live together, for now, due to financial reasons, until January or so. But as far as being friends, we have done it, and done it very well. The problem with getting together when you are younger, is that you grow, and change, and sometimes, thats apart instead of together. My ex is a wonderful wonderful man, we just don't work together. Do you have kids? I didn't see you mention any. If you do, then you HAVE to be friends, for their sake, they need both of you, and they need you to get along as well as possible. If you don't, however, being friends is up to you. Maybe, if you don't think you can handle it, you can ask her for some time alone, so you can heal. If you think you can do it though, its a wonderful thing. When someone is part of your life for that long, especially from such a young age, they are a huge part of who you are, and sometimes you can get a wonderful friend from it.

But you know your situation better than any of us, only you can decide if its worth the effort to you. Good luck!

 

[BoberFett]

My wife and I split up a couple years ago after 7 years. We did a lot of things wrong, and rather than growing together we grew apart. We fought a lot and it was going to affect our daughter if we stayed together, so we split up. It took an adjustment period but we're very good friends now. The fact that we have a child together did help force us to be civil in the beginning, but now it's more than civil. We'll talk on the phone for an hour, give each other dating advice, we've gone to movies together, we're better friends now than we were towards the end of the marriage.

 

[zmatrix]

Thanks for all the wonderful words and encouragemnet. My wife or soon to be ex-wife told me about the band-aid method, either I rip it off quickly or slowly- hurts big now, get it over with faster or hurt over a longer period of time but less of it.

So many of you suggested that we should just separate and while I think that should be the case, I also agree with what luvly said about how abrupt leaving will leave me feeling bitter and angry, an that is the last thing I want to feel towards her or over this whole thing. She's such an amazing and strong woman, I don't want to harbor any negative feelings of resentment or bitterness towards her for what she did. I guess I will need to think about that some more. I believe I will go see a pysch too.

I know I need to increase my outdoor activities and hang out with more friends. The problem too is finding friends in a short period of time. Two of my best friends are 400 miles away and I have no immediate friends other than the fact that we have couple friends. I was literally with my wife 24/7. We work in the same place. We have never been apart for more than 4 days in our lives so it really makes it that much harder.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond. It helps to know that other people have survived and have benefitted and became stronger because of this. Right now I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but hopefully it will comes a little easier than what I am feeling at this moment.

 

[Wheatmaster]

Originally posted by: Gonad the Barbarian
If you can stay friends, you can stay married. Take that either way you want to.

i think this is true. if you guyz can work it out to still be living together why not just spend more time to work out the marriage?

 

[zmatrix]

Originally posted by: Zap0602

Originally posted by: Gonad the Barbarian
If you can stay friends, you can stay married. Take that either way you want to.

i think this is true. if you guyz can work it out to still be living together why not just spend more time to work out the marriage?

I used to believe that was true, but the issues were that were at hand with me, she could not deal with. Sometimes there are things you can do and get away with if you are friends and some things you can't because it affects the relationship. But I soooo wish that could be true.

 

"We work in the same place."

Oh my! That's one of the things I would never do in my life. Working at the same place usually means seeing more of each other everyday; and that gets tiring at some point. It doesn't allow one to appreciate much of you as one would if one couldn't see you for 8 hrs of all working days. It doesn't make them appreciate you as much as they would with you having stories to tell from work. It's just something I would not personally do. Funny, I had two professors in the same department of my college who were spouses and shared the same office space. Oh my God. The hubby would put on a smile, but the wife never did. They took breaks together but you could hardly tell that they were a couple. I hope it works out for them, but the prospect wasn't that great.

"I used to believe that was true, but the issues were that were at hand with me, she could not deal with. Sometimes there are things you can do and get away with if you are friends and some things you can't because it affects the relationship. But I soooo wish that could be true."

I so agree with you. There's a huge difference between friendship and marriage. Friendship is a possible subset of marriage, but marriage is not a subset of friendship. People being able to live together and be friends doesn't mean they're fit for each other as spouses. There's a big difference. And if you keep trying to work it out, the best you'll ever get is a quick fix and kids brought into the relationship. Then things start to crumble again and it's too late to make an easy decision with kids in the picture.

So, abide by what she wants there and what is best for you too. Don't try to work out the marriage itself. It's over really.

 

[MomAndSkoorbaby]

 

[Blieb]

Originally posted by: AnyMal
Firs off, I am sorry to hear about your heartache. If it is of any comfort, you are not the only one in that situation. Back in 1998 my wife of 7 years told me she wanted out. We grew apart, simply because we were very young when we got married; over time we matured and changed. So really. it's neither yours or her fault, those things do happen. While it is not likely that you will remain close friends, time will heal your wounds. Believe me when I say, everything happens for a reason and for the better.

Hang in there dude, it will get better.

 

[boomer6447]

Sorry to hear about your problems....
If you want to try saving what you have...I'd suggest Marriage Builders Website.
There is a lot of good information about marriage/divorce, compatability and in your own personal situation,
meeting a spouses emotional needs.
I'd specifically suggest going to the discussion forums and going to the emotional needs area. Lot of good
people going through the same thing you are.....

Good Luck

 

[techietam]

I went through the similar thing... You can be friends. It is possible... We just needed to explore "other possibilities",
if I can say it like that... After 2 years we are dating again... Going out... But I am not ready to getting back together
just yet, since I am still in love with my last g/f... After I get over it, we might even get back together for good...
It just takes time.

BTW, we've been together for 9 years be4 we split up, so I am not surprised to see it happening. But I DO feel
sorry for you, man. You never know what you'll get out of it. It might be very very useful. Trust me...
I am glad that it happened to me, since I started to look at life and it's treasures from a different point...

Techie

 

[imported_Papi]

Raises hand.

 

[StageLeft]

Goodluck. Yes of course it's possible to stay friends. This isn't a high school breakup where you'll hate the other person aftewards

Based on what you've said you have at least pretty good chances of staying friends. You respect one another and breakup because you're simply not compatible. I'm sure your relationship will stay amicable at least.

 

[MichaelD]

Originally posted by: zmatrix
No kids yet. But it feels good to stay with her and logically I can handle it. But when I think about her and how I lost her emotionally, I start to break down and want to cry. Sigh.

No kids = a very good thing. You have it easy. Seriously. You have it easy.

Living together is not a good thing...even if you're sleeping in another room. You need to MOVE OUT NOW. Rent a room in a friends' house...sleep in the garage, ANYWHERE but there.

She's put the lock on the candy store and told you to pack your bags. Why are you still there? Be a man, suck it up, go find a lawyer and get the hell out of Dodge.

Believe me, once the divorce is over and all the property and the bills are split, you'll take a breath of fresh air sweeter than you've ever smelled.

You will always think about her and miss her. <--and that's ok. It wasn't wasted time; you loved and learned. But you need to move on w/your life. Start today.

 

[MichaelD]

Originally posted by: dirtboy
When my ex-wife and I got divorced, I was gone within 10 days. I didn't see her again and since we settled out of court, a couple months later I got a letter from her lawyer saying it was finalized.

You can't be friends. You're going to have to accept that.

Pearls of wisdom from a man who has been there done that and has the lawyer bill to prove it. You have no kids, zmatrix!!!! You NEVER need to see her again. I wish I was as lucky as you. You should try to have a conversation w/my son's mother. You'd strangle her within 5 minutes, guaranteed.

 

[Chadder007]

The last time I saw a similar situation.....the wife found someone else that she developed an emotional attachment to. I doubt this is the case though. Really you should move out though, the quicker it will be for you to move on. Maybe once seperated for a while she will miss you and realize the unconditional love she has for you....?? It happens too.