My father is ill and I am making a trip to visit him later this month. I am pretty sure that this might be the last time I get to see him (he lives literally across country). I'm also sure he knows it too. As in your case, he is a bit "crusty" and our relationship hasn't always been the best. But he is my father and I love him; he knows that and I know he feels the same. I intend to cement those feelings when I visit.
The point is that you should take heart in knowing that your father was completely aware of your love for him. His passing is difficult and filled with emotion right now. Remember the good things and push aside the others. Keeping him alive in your good thoughts is the greatest love you can give him now. I speak from experience; my wife and I lost our 33 year old son just three months ago. It has been very difficult but we are now at a point where we can concentrate on the love, the laughter and the good times we shared with him. You will get there too but the journey will not be quick or easy. My heart is out for you in your loss. You will get there..................................
