My anger issues...

[rga]

I get very angry very quickly sometimes. Today coming home from work for example, somebody cut me off and didn't signal and almost caused an accident. I pulled up beside him and called him an asshole and asked where he learned to drive. He responded by asking me who the fvck I was talking to. This made me even more upset and I told him to pull over and I'll show him who I'm talking to. I was so angry I immediately sped up in front of him and pulled over to the shoulder and started getting out of my car. I guess at this point he realized I was serious and pulled up to me and apologized, saying he didn't see me. I yelled that he should look next time instead of almost causing an accident. He apologized again. I said, fine, that's what I wanted to hear, have a good day. He drove off and I calmed down. I guess I got so angry because, if he was just going to apologize anyawy, why didn't he just do it in the first place?

Now, I wasn't wrong in this situation. I feel I had every right to be upset about what this guy did, but I feel... guilty and ashamed... with the way I let my anger get the best of me. I wasn't wrong. If there was an accidnet it wouldn't have been my fault. But... I feel I got lucky this time; this guy didn't have the time or energy to actually get out of his car and stand up to me, but what if the next guy does.

This used to be a problem when I drank alcohol. Specifically, too much alcohol too fast. I don't drink much these days - maybe a beer a month if that, but my anger seems to sprout up the same way as when I was drinking.

When I do get angry, usually I have the right to be. I like to follow the rules, and I get very frustrated when somebody circumvents them, putting themselves ahead myself or others at our expense. Yes, sometimes I get angry at situations where I'm not affected, but I've witnessed somebody else getting mistreated. I don't get angry because I like feeling angry, or because I want to show how strong or powerful I am (I'm not very). I guess there is a bit of an attempt at intimidation going on, but ultimately I feel that is a response to an attempt of somebody trying to intimidate me. And usually, I feel like the people who do the stuff to piss me off do it all the time because they can get away with it, and I need to be the one who stands up to them. It's a stupid assumption, I know.

Everybody gets angry or upset. The fact that I get angry or upset doesn't bother me. I think it's healthy to stand up for what I believe in, and at least speak my mind about being mistreated or wronged. My problem is with HOW angry I get. It's rage. And sometimes in the heat of the moment is uncontrollable. I'm not afraid of picking a fight with the wrong person and getting my ass kicked (hopefully I don't get shot or stabbed - I never carry any time of weapon); that would probably be a lesson well learned. I am afraid of my anger going far to the point where I hurt somebody, and end up in a civil suit or in jail or worse. Please note that I'm not this confrontational with women, and when I see children doing stupid shit I just chalk it up to bad parenting. But when I get angry at a grown man, I have no problem letting him know.

Does anybody else here have this kind of anger issue? How do you control it? Have you seen a psychologist or pyschotherapist or been in any kind of anger management sessions? Has the time been well spent there?

Again, I don't feel like I was wrong to be upset today, but I do feel guilty and ashamed at HOW ANGRY I got. It wasn't necessary. I wasn't wrong today, but I feel like I should be apologizing to the other driver because of how angry I got. After today I'm seriously considering therapy, but I don't know if I can afford it at the moment. My benefits through work may cover it. I'm going to inquire about that on Monday.

Sorry for the long post. My wife isn't home from work yet and I needed to talk about what happened. I needed to admit my anger gets the best of me and gets out of control, and there's some solice in admitting it to a bunch of strangers.

Also thought I should post here because I do feel this is a mental HEALTH issue.

 

[SociallyChallenged]

I'll be up front and tell you I haven't seen a psychiatrist or psychotherapist for anger management. I did, however, just want to help give you some support. I think most well behaved, law abiding citizens feel the same way when other people break the rules. The problem is not in that you get angry, it's the degree to which it affects you. I bitch and moan about people in my car all the time. Do I flash my brights? Nope. Do I yell at people out of my window? No. Do I give people the finger? No. I call the cops, report the make, model, and license plate if they're a big risk especially if they look like a drunk driver. You get somebody pulled over for being an ass and they think twice about it next time. There are just a lot better ways to handle it. Think logically about it - you may very well be in the right about being irritated, but is the level of your frustration appropriate? In your example, it's definitely not. I know that with a lot of psychosocial disorders that utilizing your critical thinking skills is a priority. It works for anger management, panic attacks, anxiety disorder, even hallucinations/delusions (sometimes).

I've seen a counselor for anxiety issues in the past. The counselor don't fix the problem, but they can present things in a different light so that you can process it differently. With that, you can frequently change your perception of the situation and thus your reaction. In addition, they can help give you tools to help alleviate some of your early, middle, and late symptoms. For example, early on counting down from 10 can reduce the visceral response to rage (allows time for the frontal lobe of the brain to inhibit the amygdala). I would definitely encourage you to see someone to talk about this, especially if it concerns you. I too have seen blind rage in extreme situations and its a very scary feeling. I think you'd feel much better if you could avoid getting to that point in the future. If you ever need to chat or anything, feel free to PM me. I'm not a mental health professional, but I'm human and I'm always here to do what I can.

 

[shortylickens]

I have serious anger management issues too (read my posts last year if you doubt me). I finally realized it was a serious problem and went to see a shrink. It helped a LOT, believe me.

PM if you want details.

 

[iluvdeal]

Agreed, talk to a therapist who specializes in anger management. I know you already understand that your reaction isn't commensurate with the offense, it's off the charts, so I do hope you work to fix it. Like with any other profession, you may need to try out multiple people until you find one who knows their stuff and can help you, but putting the time into working on yourself now will pay dividends for you the rest of your life.

I know you are careful to explain the other party deserved it, but exploding into a rage at a complete stranger just isn't something an emotionally balanced person does.

I'm glad the other guy de-escalated this situation as usually what you describe leads to fist fights on the side of the road. That could have easily have happened since you pulled over, you basically invited a fight. You already acknowledged you lose control of yourself in these situations, hopefully you can use today as the reason you started on that path towards fixing this rather than wait for another incident to happen which may not turn out as well.

 

[NAC]

I used to see a therapist because of anger issues. I recommend you go to one as well. Mine wasn't a specialist in anything. But it helped. To be honest, I don't know why I am less angry now than I was. I don't remember what has changed. One thing is just getting calmer as I get older. But I'm sure I think differently than I used to and therefore get less angry.

 

[Auric]

Ultimately, we can only control how we react to the world/external events. Take the quasi-zen path and skip the-rapists.

 

[Baked]

Some people do need outside help to tame their demon. I have a pretty close friend with serious anger issue growing up, and seeing a therapist really help her out. She still has out bursts from time to time, but I can handle it.

I used to have anger issue growing up too, but I concurred my own demon.

 

[Dee67]

I could probably go on all day. Hopefully, I won't.

First. With your "right" to be angry. Sure. You HAVE the right to be angry. You have the right to be sad, happy, a loser, a punk, a criminal, a murderer - ANYTHING you choose. BUT.. what do you want? How do you want to be most of the time? How do you want to be seen by the world? When you think of yourself, do you want to see yourself as some rock solid guy who has really good control of himself - or some immature punk that flies off the handle and is willing to risk death or jail time for being arrested over some small thing that "almost" happened?

Did me writing immature punk right there make you angry?

Second. If you're driving a car, you're a grown up and that means if you cross the line, YOU go to jail.. Doesn't really matter if the guy was "wrong" in traffic.. that is a simple little ticket if he didn't cause an accident and is caught.. If YOU cross the line, YOU are WRONG ultimately - the cops won't give a flying squat what the other guy did unless that is throw the first punch. Grown ups go to JAIL. Depending on what they do, they do HARD, LONG time. Spend a weekend in your closet - when the weekend is over ask yourself.. do you REALLY want to risk jail over something that never even happened?

Even if he caused an accident and you got hurt, he didn't physically, knowingly, purposefully assault you - you have no right to lay hands on another human being in ANY instance like that. It's called an ACCIDENT for a reason.. you think we're all out here just looking to play bumper cars? Our cars cost money too.. our lives and families are worth something to us too.. Sometimes 'crap' happens.. you cross the dividing lines, sun gets in your eyes, your wife tells you she's screwing your brother while your driving or WHATEVER.. We're human, and we screw up ALL the time.

The way I CHOOSE (big, important word there - because it is, ALWAYS a choice) to live is - I am imperfect. Therefore, I have NO right to try to hold anyone else up to 'perfect' standards. I NEVER, ever, ever, ever, EVER want to go to jail. THIS I know. I mean I *KNOW* it. I don't want to be some big loudmouth who is world police over what everyone does and I stand there, lording over them correcting them for everything they are or aren't doing. I don't have that kind of time. Life is SHORT and I still can use a LOT of work... so I spend that time on making ME how *I* want to be.. let THEM sort themselves out if they choose to.

If THEY put hands on you FIRST.. great.. have at it. Whatever. If you harm me or my family, I WILL lay you out. There is no question. I'm not a saint and a lot of my personal code of conduct comes from me screwing up the whole beginning of my life. So it's not like I'm suggesting everyone be Gandhi walking around 100% of the time.

But who is "right" isn't always so cut and dry if you look at it from more than one angle. And over-reacting to something that "almost" happens.. isn't worth the time, effort or health risks by stewing up so much personal anger inside..

This is YOUR life, these are YOUR days.. do you REALLY want little 'almosts' to fill your head, heart, soul and life with anger and bad feelings or would you rather spend your time, thoughts, feelings and life on things that you choose to make you feel good? Think about it. Seriously. If I gave you $100 right now, would you rather spend it on something to hit someone over the head with or maybe a nice dinner with someone you like a lot.. These are YOUR choices to make, every second of EVERY day.. I want to enjoy my life. as much as possible. Am I saying don't get angry? No.. like I said, you have the right to think and say ANYTHING you want as often as you want. But understand, it all comes with consequence.

CONSEQUENCE. Get REAL familiar with that concept. Could be jail, could be the worst ass kicking you ever had, could be premature heart attack because you hold so much anger, creating so much tension within your own being, could be anything. That same time you feel all these bad things, you could just as easily CHOOSE something good.. watch something that makes you laugh, it'll feel good. Have sex.. it'll feel good., go out and breathe the freshest possible air you can get to.. appreciate what you HAVE.. Realize that the "almost" accident that never happened, NEVER HAPPENED, you're alive, reasonably healthy, you have people that care about you and people you care about.. you have things you like, you have MOBILITY (that others would kill for the privilege of having) things aren't THAT bad. You could have no arms, no legs and be living in a tent somewhere out in a desert with bugs eating you alive..

Regarding standing up for what you believe in.. The BEST way to do THAT isn't to confront others.. it is to direct yourself to live YOUR life the way YOU choose to.

CHOOSE what you want and how you want to be and then HOLD yourself to that standard. It's worth it.

 

[rga]

Thanks for all the responses guys. Surprisingly, a lot of compassion here. After I posted, I considered erasing the post because I thought a lot of people would reply by telling me I'm an idiot for the way I reacted. There is some truth to that, and people have clearly stated my reaction wasn't the right one (I admitted it myself), but nobody has been insulting or the like. Thanks for that.

I'm happy to see that time spent with a therapist has worked for some people. I'm still going to inquire if my work benefits will at least partially cover some visits to one.

Ultimately, we can only control how we react to the world/external events.

This sentence made me think for a while. I like to be in control. I feel comfortable when I know what is going on around me. I'm not controlling, per se, but having some kind of say in the goings on around me makes me feel at ease. When I lose this control, or some of it is stripped away from me, that's when I start to get frustrated. In my OP for example, I really didn't want to fight that guy. I just wanted him to at least admit he was wrong. When he did that and aplogized, I calmed down. I got what I wanted - an apology. I had control.

I think my ego is a problem. I don't think I have a big one, but I feel like things going on AROUND me should INVOLVE me. I'm still afraid of death, but that's because I can't imagine this world going on without me. The only world I've ever known has existed with me in it. I KNOW I'm not that important. Life went on without me before I was born. Life all around the world is currently going on without me, and It will continue to do so after I'm gone. I think I've gone a little off track here, but I really think my frustration and anger stems from the control thing, and when I die I lose the little bit of control I have now, and I think that's why this paragraph is relevent to the topic.

I have to change the way I think about control, so that my view of it is more in line with Auric's. I can ALWAYS be in control... since I can control the way I REACT to things...

 

[rga]

I could probably go on all day. Hopefully, I won't.

First. With your "right" to be angry. Sure. You HAVE the right to be angry. You have the right to be sad, happy, a loser, a punk, a criminal, a murderer - ANYTHING you choose. BUT.. what do you want? How do you want to be most of the time? How do you want to be seen by the world? When you think of yourself, do you want to see yourself as some rock solid guy who has really good control of himself - or some immature punk that flies off the handle and is willing to risk death or jail time for being arrested over some small thing that "almost" happened?

Did me writing immature punk right there make you angry?

Second. If you're driving a car, you're a grown up and that means if you cross the line, YOU go to jail.. Doesn't really matter if the guy was "wrong" in traffic.. that is a simple little ticket if he didn't cause an accident and is caught.. If YOU cross the line, YOU are WRONG ultimately - the cops won't give a flying squat what the other guy did unless that is throw the first punch. Grown ups go to JAIL. Depending on what they do, they do HARD, LONG time. Spend a weekend in your closet - when the weekend is over ask yourself.. do you REALLY want to risk jail over something that never even happened?

Even if he caused an accident and you got hurt, he didn't physically, knowingly, purposefully assault you - you have no right to lay hands on another human being in ANY instance like that. It's called an ACCIDENT for a reason.. you think we're all out here just looking to play bumper cars? Our cars cost money too.. our lives and families are worth something to us too.. Sometimes 'crap' happens.. you cross the dividing lines, sun gets in your eyes, your wife tells you she's screwing your brother while your driving or WHATEVER.. We're human, and we screw up ALL the time.

The way I CHOOSE (big, important word there - because it is, ALWAYS a choice) to live is - I am imperfect. Therefore, I have NO right to try to hold anyone else up to 'perfect' standards. I NEVER, ever, ever, ever, EVER want to go to jail. THIS I know. I mean I *KNOW* it. I don't want to be some big loudmouth who is world police over what everyone does and I stand there, lording over them correcting them for everything they are or aren't doing. I don't have that kind of time. Life is SHORT and I still can use a LOT of work... so I spend that time on making ME how *I* want to be.. let THEM sort themselves out if they choose to.

If THEY put hands on you FIRST.. great.. have at it. Whatever. If you harm me or my family, I WILL lay you out. There is no question. I'm not a saint and a lot of my personal code of conduct comes from me screwing up the whole beginning of my life. So it's not like I'm suggesting everyone be Gandhi walking around 100% of the time.

But who is "right" isn't always so cut and dry if you look at it from more than one angle. And over-reacting to something that "almost" happens.. isn't worth the time, effort or health risks by stewing up so much personal anger inside..

This is YOUR life, these are YOUR days.. do you REALLY want little 'almosts' to fill your head, heart, soul and life with anger and bad feelings or would you rather spend your time, thoughts, feelings and life on things that you choose to make you feel good? Think about it. Seriously. If I gave you $100 right now, would you rather spend it on something to hit someone over the head with or maybe a nice dinner with someone you like a lot.. These are YOUR choices to make, every second of EVERY day.. I want to enjoy my life. as much as possible. Am I saying don't get angry? No.. like I said, you have the right to think and say ANYTHING you want as often as you want. But understand, it all comes with consequence.

CONSEQUENCE. Get REAL familiar with that concept. Could be jail, could be the worst ass kicking you ever had, could be premature heart attack because you hold so much anger, creating so much tension within your own being, could be anything. That same time you feel all these bad things, you could just as easily CHOOSE something good.. watch something that makes you laugh, it'll feel good. Have sex.. it'll feel good., go out and breathe the freshest possible air you can get to.. appreciate what you HAVE.. Realize that the "almost" accident that never happened, NEVER HAPPENED, you're alive, reasonably healthy, you have people that care about you and people you care about.. you have things you like, you have MOBILITY (that others would kill for the privilege of having) things aren't THAT bad. You could have no arms, no legs and be living in a tent somewhere out in a desert with bugs eating you alive..

Regarding standing up for what you believe in.. The BEST way to do THAT isn't to confront others.. it is to direct yourself to live YOUR life the way YOU choose to.

CHOOSE what you want and how you want to be and then HOLD yourself to that standard. It's worth it.

I agree with you. The part about consequences... I understand what you said, and I DO realize there are consequences, and I think that's why I felt so guilty and ashamed with my reaction: because afterwords I realized those potential consequences. I need to start realizing them before situations escalate.

The rest of your post seems to have to do with making choices, and I think this has a lot in common with what Auric said, and what I've been thinking about these last couple of days. As long as there IS a choice, I have SOME control. I can choose how I react. I can control how I react.

 

[Dee67]

I agree with you. The part about consequences... I understand what you said, and I DO realize there are consequences, and I think that's why I felt so guilty and ashamed with my reaction: because afterwords I realized those potential consequences. I need to start realizing them before situations escalate.

The rest of your post seems to have to do with making choices, and I think this has a lot in common with what Auric said, and what I've been thinking about these last couple of days. As long as there IS a choice, I have SOME control. I can choose how I react. I can control how I react.

Just like being less harsh to others, be less harsh to yourself. "guilty and ashamed" is above in my beyond in my opinion too. You're right. It IS about control. That's why I keep with choices and such.. This body and mind are YOURS.. it's your house.. you are the boss.. you want a great life, choose what great means and do that.. you want to be a 'thugged out gangsta' deal drugs, go to jail and fight in racial wars the rest of your life.. lol.. or anything you want.

The more "maybe" you can find in your life, the less critical things will seem.. maybe that little thing with that guy yesterday kept you held up just enough to avoid being killed in a 14 car pileup 10 miles down the road.. one can never tell.. the world and life are TOO BIG for us to say "Things are DEFINITELY this way!" so.. eh.. maybe yes, maybe no.. This thing happened... it was time consuming or it was unfortunate but it wasn't the best or worst thing ever.. Even if that guy didn't apologize, NOTHING in the grand scheme of things would have changed other than those words coming out of his mouth.

Did any of it matter? Maybe. It got you to vent here, which may have been curative in and of itself.

 

[Auric]

I have to change the way I think about control, so that my view of it is more in line with Auric's. I can ALWAYS be in control... since I can control the way I REACT to things...

That seems a good approach, although personally I consider control more passively (i.e. feel no particular need to be in control and simply choose not to react to everything). Another take is that reacting to everything in an attempt to maintain control is futile and really demonstrates a loss of control. In addition to my sig, another favourite quote/epigram with oblique relevance to this is: "The world is a comedy to those who think and a tragedy to those who feel."

 

[surfsatwerk]

I drink a lot of yerba mate, that seems to calm me down.

 

[shortylickens]

I used to see a therapist because of anger issues. I recommend you go to one as well. Mine wasn't a specialist in anything. But it helped. To be honest, I don't know why I am less angry now than I was. I don't remember what has changed. One thing is just getting calmer as I get older. But I'm sure I think differently than I used to and therefore get less angry.

You arent. You're exactly as angry as you've always been.
You're just dealing with it better.

Over a long period of time your brain will rewire and you will become less angry, making it much easier to deal with.

 

[shortylickens]

I drink a lot of yerba mate, that seems to calm me down.

Thats because you are having caffeine withdrawal. Its a stimulant, not a depressant. I recommend slowly changing out the drugs for exercise.
I've been jogging a lot more and it keeps me calmer throughout the day.

Oh, and if you dont stop, try a drop or two of chocolate sauce in the tea.

 

[NAC]

You arent. You're exactly as angry as you've always been.
You're just dealing with it better.

Over a long period of time your brain will rewire and you will become less angry, making it much easier to deal with.

Perhaps. I guess I am consciously behaving differently. But it is funny how in the past my anger would be so overwhelming it didn’t seem like I had a chance to reduce it… only perhaps control it by walking away, etc.

For example, I’d get angry doing home improvement. If I did something stupid, and wrong, I would just flip out. I’d perhaps bash a tool or something and eventually simmer down. Then, I grew to where I would control myself to only bash something not breakable, and then eventually simmer down. Then, I grew to where I would not bash anything, I’d just put the tools down and walk away and simmer down a bit quicker. And recently, I did something stupid, so I took a breath and tried to do it again. Making the same mistake. So, I took another breath, and got it to work on a third try.

In the past, I could NEVER have done that. I was very proud of myself after that.

 

[deadken]

I've only skimmed through the OP and responses, so please don't take this as discounting anything suggested so far.

I was kind of struck by the sentence "This used to be a problem when I drank alcohol. Specifically, too much alcohol too fast. I don't drink much these days - maybe a beer a month if that, but my anger seems to sprout up the same way as when I was drinking."

I just wanted to point out that there is something called a 'dry drunk'. Basically it refers to an alcoholic who has stopped drinking but not addressed the problems that led to the excessive drinking.

I don't not want imply that you are an alcoholic. But, I don't think that anyone yet has mentioned a 12 step program. Personally, I'm a member of Al-Anon. I'm affected by the disease of alcoholism in a family member or friend. Simply put, part of our opening statement is: 'Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it'. I don't know if that rings a bell with you or not, but I will say that I certainly suffered from distorted thinking. I became irritable and unreasonable even more so after living with an addict and I still do. But, I find it happens less now. Is my qualifier active again? Yes. Do I act / re-act in the same way that I used to? No (not all the time).

For what it is worth, I've grown since I've started going to meetings. I don't know if it is right for you, but if you are interested you can find a local meeting here:
http://www.al-anon.org/meetings/meeting.html

Some people go to both AA and Al anon. They aren't mutually exclusive.

The last thing I will mention is that it is clearly stated in every meeting that I am free to 'take what I like, and leave the rest (behind)'. Being a non-spiritual person I thought that I'd have a real problem going to meetings. I don't. I often tell newcomers that I put a dollar in the basket and around 95% of the time I get more then my monies worth.

Good luck with whatever you do. It's often said that recognizing that you have a problem is the first and biggest step.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that I quit 'using' caffeine about 20 years ago because I felt that I was too 'ready for a fight'. It helped, but it wasn't the only problem. Of course, I still get trace amounts of caffeine from chocolate, etc..., but not having (2) cups of coffee every morning did make a difference.

EDIT #2: I wanted to add a little mantra that might help you. Practice asking yourself "How important is it?". Sometimes that simple question can help you put situations in perspective.

For me, I'm a very logical / mathematical guy. For me, the equation: I x S = O. The I represents me, the S represents the situation and O the outcome. Basically, the situation is what it is. We have no control over it. But, we can control our actions / re-actions. If we want ANY influence on what the outcome is, the only variable is ourselves. You might notice that we have a exponential effect on the outcome, not just a cumulative ('x' instead of '+'). Let's invent a serious scenario: Your teenage daughter tells you she is pregnant. The situation is what it is, your re-actions and future actions are what will ultimately be able to alter the outcome. Blow up and rip into her and while the situation stays the same, there are definite consequences to the outcome. Instead, re-act to the news without becoming enraged and act appropriately from then on and, the outcome could be varied in a completely different way. It really is YOU that is the variable.

 

[Ns1]

@OP

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/157...ls_o01_s00_i00

 

[stargazr]

@OP

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/157...ls_o01_s00_i00

Great reviews. Did you use this personally with good results?

 

[Ns1]

^^ haven't gotten through the whole thing yet. What I've read so far is promising and hits too close to home

 

[MarkHunt]

I used to see a therapist, a couple of times, and we found out that my anger issues were as a direct result of my stress at work and long working hours.

 

[Auric]

Time and money well spent, n'est ce pas?