Missing someone today :(

[compuwiz1]

Has anyone ever had a relationship, whether it was short or long, where that particular person just impacted you in a certain way and you never could get her/him out of your mind?
Mine began a almost 2 years ago. I met someone on the internet and even went to Europe to visit. We had such a great time. We laughed, talked, cried, sang and had what I would consider the best time of my entire life. Although I was, and am still married and have been for over 20 years, there was just something about this person, that was so easy to get along with and be friends with. Something I still miss in my marriage.
I was going thru a difficult time in life where approaching my 39th birthday, I was extremely confused and wasn't sure if my marriage was going to survive. In the meantime, I had formed this icq relationship and made a decision to take a personal vacation. Before anyone gets thinking too much, nothing vulgar happened.

I spent about a month there and really developed some feelings for her, infact I cried when I left. I called her from the first airport I landed at to catch a connecting flight.
Once home, I was so confused still. I let on to my wife that I had feelings for this other person. I also made it more obvious that I did not want to be married to my wife anymore. After several very emotional discussions, my wife made the decision to move out. In that process, she also had emailed my lady friend in Europe and sent her some very nasty emails. This helped cripple the relationship I had there.

In time, my wife and I realized that staying married was probably in the best interests of the kids. We also decided to commit to working on our relationship and as a result have become better friends and she's moved back home with me.
Still though..............
I can't get this lady in Europe out of my mind. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. I miss her so much! Today was one of those days where I really felt lonely, even though I had people all around me.......I just didn't have her near me.
I know in my heart she had strong feelings for me as well. She absolutely took the best care of me while I was there, entertaining me, cooking for me, taking me places.

I keep asking myself what I would do if I ever received a call saying she was here. What would I do? I spend so much time tormented over this, but yet I do not want to get over it. I want her sweet image to last forever in my mind. I just know I would go to her if I thought it was a possibility. Well, crazy or not....
I just can't stop thinking of her.

 

[convex]

your wife has time on her side, eh? think for a second if you'll feel the same way about this new woman in 10 years or however long been in your relationship with your wife. just a thought

 

[IBhacknU]

I have a similar situation. While being married to someone I really care about, there is someone else. She too is 1000's of miles away from me, and we converse on a regular basis via email and the phone.

The time we have physically spent together was a fun and exciting time of my life (and like you, nothing 'bad' happened). I have always been faithful to my wife.

It makes me wonder though why most races on this earth limit themselves to one man/one woman relationships. Surely there is more than one person each and everyone of us is attracted to. Is it timing... is it right to limit our love and feelings towards just one person.

I wish things could be different. I wish I could live many different lives.

I feel for you Steve... I know what you're going through.

 

[BamBam215]

Wow Compuwiz... that's a deeply touching story. It's strange how people that seem worlds apart can find each other and have that instant chemistry that allows them to connect on such a deep level. I've had a similar experience with a girl I met a little over a year and a half ago. We just started chatting one day and the friendship grew from there. Althought I didn't have the means to go and visit her, we continued to correspond and I believe that if we had the chance to be together, it could have grown to be more than friendship. However, we decided that a long distance relationship at our age was unrealistic. It was the most tormenting feeling in my life to have to let her go. I mean, how do you say no to you when you're falling in love with someone? Even though we couldnt' be together, I knew that the friendship I had with her was worth more to me than anything and because of that, we still talk and have a great relationship still. Throughout the past 2 years with all the changes I've gone through, I can say that she's been the one constant throughout those years. Knowing that you have someone who will lend an ear to your problems, or just be there to comfort you in your times of insecurities is on the most powerful feelings I've felt. I'm also not at all hesistant to tell her how much I care for her, and how much she means in my life.

I can tell that you share something very special with this lady. I know I'm in no position to give advice, but I think you should tell your friend how you feel about her. I know being married complicates things, but if there is a chance to be her friend I think you should go for it. You should pick up the phone and get in contact with her and see how she is doing. Even though my friend and I are currently seeing other people, being open about our feelings towards each other has helped become closer than ever.

 

[Passions]

remember your marriage vows, think of that.

 

[compuwiz1]

Bobby, do you really think remembering them changes the way I feel? Not one bit! It has of course limited my behaviour. Somethings in life are just bigger than us and even harder to understand.

 

[Shuxclams]

My $0.02, If the marriage was going sour and you "found" this person on the internet, in a store, on a train, under a rock etc... and you fell in love, then you abandoned the marriage because you did not want to be married. It's that simple.




SHUX

 

[BoberFett]

Ugh, I really feel for you Steve. I can identify.

Edit: This is Steve's thread, took my crap elsewhere.

 

[Format C:]

Wiz, sounds to me like you're feeling a bit trapped. I don't doubt that you have strong feelings for the woman in Europe, but could it be that a large part of the attraction is based on a desire to escape from whatever demons haunt you about your life?

In a lot of ways turning 40 is comparable to adolescense. You're in between. You're not young anymore, but you're not old either and its hard to decide how and where you fit in and which direction you should take. At the same time, you're looking back over your life and agonizing over all the things you wish you had done and what little you seem to have accomplished, with no time left now to make up for it. From your viewpoint, your life's accomplishments aren't worth squat and nobody will ever know or care that you even existed. The "other", any other, offers you a chance of escape to an alternate reality, a dreamworld where you can be that person that you're now wishing you were instead of who you have become. Unfortunately though, with time, reality would return even there for we cannot escape who or what we are.

The one thing you need to remember is that you have accomplished far more than you can ever know and that your life has not been in vain. The lives you've touched in so many subtle ways, the seeds that you've planted that have grown to abundance, the joy you've brought to others, all of these are things which you cannot measure but are indeed your legacy. The person you have become really HAS made a mark on the world and you have no need for the fantasy when you realize that.

I've been where I feel you are now, still have one foot there to be honest. I know what it feels like to want to bust free from the chains that you feel are shackling you. Its hard to do, but eventually you come to realize that those chains aren't attached to shackles at all, but to anchors that keep you from running aground and being torn apart when life's storms descend upon you.

 

[compuwiz1]

Rob, I can deal with all of that. I just hope I never go to the grave with her not knowing how I really feel. I don't know how to express that. I don't feel wrong about my feelings.

 

[reitz]

STOP!!!! Think of your family, first. I'm only 22, but I do know [in my short time on this planet] that marriage is something that takes a lot of work. You need to first figure out what is missing in your life that would make you fall for another woman. Go to marriage counseling, and try to make what you have work. You have children; you owe it to them to at least try. Figure out what is lost, and work hard at regaining that.

If you try, and you realize that it's a lost cause, GO FOR IT. There is nothing in this world worse than regret. You'll always wonder what could have been if you don't try for it.

 

[Format C:]

Your feelings are never "wrong". They're part of what makes you who you are. You definitely need to let your friend know how you feel. Maybe you really do need a change, a fresh start, but you should also consider that reality is never as rosy and carefree as fantasy and sometimes there's just no going back.

 

[IBhacknU]

<< I just hope I never go to the grave with her not knowing how I really feel. I don't know how to express that >>

You seem to have a firm grasp of the words needed to express your feelings. Tell her.

 

[Shuxclams]

<< could it be that a large part of the attraction is based on a desire to escape from whatever demons haunt you about your life? >>





<< You need to first figure out what is missing in your life that would make you fall for another woman >>



Steve,
These are the things I wanted to say but lack the words to say. There is some huge truths in those two quotes. Not to discount your feelings for this other woman, feeling are feelings, but the fact may be that you do not want to do the work it takes to work on your marriage.



SHUX

 

[BoberFett]

<< do not want to do the work it takes to work on your marriage >>

You don't know the circumstances, and are therefore not in a position to judge. He says they have been working on it, but sometimes the best that can be done is to make the relationship tolerable. Obviously this isn't something Steve takes lightly, if it was he would have left his family long ago.

Life isn't as black and white as many would like to be, myself included. Until you realize that fact, it's hard to have any compassion for somebody elses situation.

 

[Shuxclams]

<< Life isn't as black and white as many would like to be, myself included. Until you realize that fact, it's hard to have any compassion for somebody elses situation >>


And you don't know mine. My wife of 8 years and I started counseling a few weeks ago, before one of us decided &quot;it wasn't worth the hassle&quot; or had thoughts of &quot;greener grass&quot;. I would say from taking the advice from many people I asked about marriage(s) that 9 out of 10 times someone had made the desision to leave way before they did. I read what you posted before you deleted it, I hope you work out what ever you need to, especially for your beautiful little girl, but then maybe you have already made that desicion.


SHUX

 

[BoberFett]

Shux

I'm a bit ashamed to say that despite the fact that we both knew there were big problems, neither my wife nor I took any steps to change anything until long after we should have, and I don't know now if things can be saved. We're doing what we can, and if anyone was to be the weak one and give up, I admit it would be me.

Unfortunately I'm much better at dispensing advice than I am at taking it.

 

[Shuxclams]

I am sorry to hear that. I hope you and your wife find a way to resolve it. My hope is that my wife and I decided to get help before we reached that point. I too am to blame for a good part of the problems in my relationship. Drawing from other peoples experiance and advice I knew that my wife and I needed to find a way back to where we were. I love my wife 300% and am willing to do what ever it takes to help us. That may make every single bit of difference.



Regards,
SHUX

 

[BoberFett]

I'm glad to hear that you did something about it in time. If you both love each other and want to fix things, then I'm sure you will. Good luck on your journey.

 

[mztykal]

Hey Compuwiz1, not like this is gonna make anything better, but this song, regardless of if you don't like R&amp;B will make you think. Download it on Napster then listen to it...

Boys II Men - I Finally Know

You'll understand what I meant when you listen to the lyrics...


-MzTyKaL

 

[Fathom4]

&quot;Edit: This is Steve's thread, took my crap elsewhere&quot;

Uggh. This hits too close to home. I've been where you're wife is at right now Steve but unlike my wife you've at least got the courage to try and save your marriage.

I could go on forever. Someone in one of the posts said that many times a person will decide to leave long before they actually leave. That was pretty much our case, she had already decided not to work on our marriage before I found out about her affair.

Had she only decided our marriage deserved a chance then who knows. In the meantime, my girls have lost a 'connected' family, my in-laws have all but dis-owned their daughter and the affair she dumped our marriage for is pretty much trashed.

No winners here. If anyone can see any good from this, let me know.

Good luck to you I hope all works out for the best.

Bober Know the story, been there, done that, hang tough buddy.

Fathom

 

[ChrichtonsGirl]

Compuwiz, I can tell you from experience (pre-marriage) and being in your wife's position in my own marriage that some of what you feel for the other woman is the old &quot;grass is always greener&quot; cliche. If you didn't care so much about your marriage and your kids, this wouldn't be tearing you up so much. What your wife did (contacting the other woman) was wrong, but to me it looks like she was lashing out because of her pain and jealousy about what you said and it's not altogether fair to blame her for that - I'm not going to crap all over you for it, but you should have ended one relationship before you began another, even if it wasn't sexual. It sounds like you have/had a pretty high degree of emotional intimacy with this woman at a time when you weren't getting it from your wife.

I wish I had the words to explain all this better, but I haven't had nearly enough coffee yet this morning. Being friends, even intimate friends, is a lot different from being married, being lovers, day in day out. Weren't you friends with your wife this way in the beginning? I'm sure at some point you had these same strong feelings for her, felt that she was the only woman for you, that you needed to be with her forever...living with someone for 20 years is damn hard. You have this image of your friend and it's influenced by your feelings about your wife and marriage - if you had a strong marriage, would you have looked twice at this person? I don't know you, don't know your marriage, but I can't help but wonder if you weren't looking for someone to give you what you feel your wife doesn't, and when you found this wonderful woman who seemed to be all of the things your wife wasn't, you fell for her.

If you truly love this woman, then you owe it to her to end you marriage before you go to her. As things are now, if she rejects you, then you have your wife to fall back on, huh? It's not fair to either of them, and you know it or this decision would be easy for you. There isn't anything wrong with fantasizing about &quot;the one that got away&quot; or thinking about what might have been, or even remembering your friend fondly, but are you willing to throw away 20 years of marriage on someone you've met only briefly and spent time online with? If you don't love your wife anymore or don't want to be with her, that's a separate issue, but don't let your feelings for this other person be your excuse for ending your marriage. It has to be what you want because you know you don't belong with your wife, not because you have something &quot;better&quot; waiting.

I really wish you a lot of luck, you seem like a decent guy struggling with this and I hope you don't take any offense at my two cents here.

 

[Fathom4]

ChrichtonsGirl

(Fathom stands and applaudes) Intelligent, articulate, well said. What I was thinking but didn't have the strength or energy to say.

Well done.

 

[unxpurg8d]

Be aware that this is only MY female opinion, and that while I respect how you feel and empathize with you, I just want to give you a few things to think about. This is NOT meant to hurt or belittle.

This is incredibly romantic, sad, sweet....and foolish.

I often think that men are much deeper emotionally than we women give them credit for, and things like this thread help convince me of that. There are a few things to consider, though, before you make moves that drastically affect your life. First of all, for a lot of women it's easy to be a man's fantasy...at least for a short period of time. The reality of day-to-day life is never the same. Picture this woman here, in the life you'd have if you divorced. Is she willing to relocate? How would she interact with your children? How would they feel about her...and you? Do you have any idea if she even would be interested in a permanent or long-term relationship with you? Is there any chance that she was looking for a way to the U.S. and saw you as the ticket?
I may be a cynic, but a woman who gets involved with a man already married is either out for the thrill of the chase, is looking for something from him, is not interested in permanency, or is involved with someone else herself but out for a little additional romance to amuse herself with. Realistically, think about WHY a woman would even take the first step towards an involvement with someone she knew was with someone else. It's like drunk driving.... you were sober when you made the decision to take the first drink. You know there's heartbreak down the road for someone if you choose to form a relationship with a married person... so think about what might have motivated the choice for her.
If you'd left your wife before the relationship with this other woman then I'd say follow your heart. But you didn't. And the fact that you are back together with your wife means that you still care enough to be where you are. My suggestion is that you thank your wife for being a strong enough woman to forgive your cheating - and you DID cheat in the most important way possible....emotionally. After you've done that, write a letter to the woman and the life you wish you had. Say everything you feel, hope, want. Then burn the damn thing and put all of yourself into making the life you have NOW work rather than holding a part of yourself back and clinging to a dream.



Format C:, very well put.


EDIT: If you put my post and Chrichtongirl's post together you pretty much get what I MEANT to say. Sigh. More coffee, please.

 

[Stallion]

Steve, while I can't say we know each other very well I like to think that from the times we have talked that your a pretty good guy who is going through some troubling times and for this I am sorry. While I have only been married for 6 years I can understand where it is you are coming from. Married life is not always easy nor is it always fun and laughter. It takes lots of hard work and it sounds like you are taking the right steps to work it out.

I can not judge you as I have not been in your shoes and do not know the story so it would be very unfair of me to hand down any judgement. I do know that I am a very good listener and the wife says I have very good judgement so if you are ever in the mood to talk about anything , life,sports,cars, PCs(limited knowledge there)or just do a little venting mail me or PM me.


Edit:After I wrote this I saw CG thread(note to self, learn to type faster) and I must say that is a very good post. Good advice.