Jokes,post em if you got em

[vshah]

so a guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says "hey wanna hear a blonde joke?"

bartender says "sure, but before you begin, you should know that the guy to your left is blond and a heavyweight boxer. the guy to your right is also blonde, and he's a professional linebacker. the guy right behind you is blonde too, and he's a black belt. you still want to tell that joke?"

the guy thinks for a sec then says
"no, wouldn't want to explain it 3 times"

bahahaha

-Vivan

 

[damiano]

Originally posted by: jurzdevil
what did the ugly stick say to the face?


SLAP!!!

bwahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha

 

[Encryptic]

This is my entry in the "You're Going To Hell" joke category.



If Christopher Reeve could switch places with anyone, who would he pick?







Christopher Walken

 

[Amorphus]

How did the lamp feel when it was unplugged?

It was delighted.

 

[xcript]

What's the difference between a duck?

 

[NuclearNed]

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.



If I recall correctly, this won some award for "worst joke ever".

 

[SKORPI0]

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.

Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible.
You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care
of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but
I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car."
Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

 

[gistech1978]

I think im stealing this from here.
still funny though.

A doctor, priest and engineer are all playing golf.
There is a group of people waiting on the next tee for another group to play ahead of them.

The doctor asks, 'whats the hold up?'

a guy in the other group tells them that are waiting on a group of guys that were once firemen and all had been blinded in an accident and playing golf is the only thing that makes them happy, so no one hassles them about slow play.

The doctor says, "Ah, thats too bad, If I could make them see again, I would peform surgery free of charge."

The priest says, "Oh, from now on I will pray everyday that these men can regain their sight."

The engineer says, "Why cant they play at night?"

 

[PanzerIV]

Originally posted by: M0oG0oGaiPan

Why did the blonde have sex with a mexican dude?
Because the teacher told her to do an essay

I just can't get Red's thread out of my head after reading this....:Q

 

[Blastomyces]

Q: How does Micheal Jackson pick his nose?

A: From a catalog!

 

[Kev]

How many babies does it take to paint a fence?

Depends on how hard you throw them

 

[Ninjja]

Originally posted by: DrPizza
I just heard this one... not sure if it was on ATOT or not..

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid last night.

hehehehehehehehe :beer:

 

Mushroom walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and orders a drink.
Bartender says, "we dont serve your kind here!".
Mushroom says, "Why? I'm a fun guy!"

 

[RegularK]

What did the short bus say to the big bus?

You're not the bus of me!



Here's another one I found on jokesandhumor.com...

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

 

[dquan97]

Why did Micheal Jackson call Boyz-II-Men?

Because he thought it was a delivery service

 

[Spoooon]

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture hanging on the wall?

2 nails.

 

[Ninjja]

Q. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A. Nothing........you already told her twice.

EDIT: the second one was probably pretty inappropriate.

 

[Gurck]

Q: Why do elephants have four feet?
A: Because 6 inches just isn't enough

Q: What's 6 inches long, has a bald head on it, and drives women crazy?
A: A one hundred dollar bill

 

[tweakmm]

What's green, fuzzy, has four legs and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?













A pool table.

 

[MoPHo]

Q: What's great about sleeping with twenty-nine year olds?
A: There's twenty of them.

 

[WHipLAsh13]

Originally posted by: Spoooon
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture hanging on the wall?

2 nails.

Yeah thats like the one from the Crow.

Jesus Christ walks into an Inn, hands the Inn Keeper 2 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?".

 

[jst0ney]

Q: How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?










A: Wanna go ride bikes.

 

[brunswickite]

keep these comin.

they are funny as hell

 

[xcript]

Originally posted by: xcript
What's the difference between a duck?

One leg's both the same.

 

[brunswickite]

What's black and comes in a little white can?









Michael Jackson