Originally posted by: Evadman
Originally posted by: bizmark
Originally posted by: Evadman
Originally posted by: bizmark
bwahaha. Sorry Dave. I've got an extra keyboard... you wanna drive down to Hyde Park and pick it up?
Downtown? Cool! You are the 4th AT'er I know in the Chicagoland area! I smell LANPARTY! That would be an awesome Housewarming party when I finaly get my crap together and buy a house!
1) HP ~= downtown !!! HP = SouthSide !!! I'm about 6-7 miles south of the Loop.
2) Problem is.... my rig isn't really good enough for a full-fledged LAN party
it'd be cool to get together sometime though
But they just opened up a brand-spanking-new bowling alley in Hyde Park. Wanna come down for a few games sometime? Hang out with the nerdy U of C kids?
Well, still downtown to me
<edit>
BTW: This thread has been hijacked
Hmm, I'm in Gurnee
Lithium381
Lifer
- May 12, 2001
- 12,455
- 7
- 81
BMD takes the cake! Those are the best ones so far(well today) i LOL'd.....hahah bus driver.......gosh those are good
i LOL'd.....hahah bus driver.......gosh those are goodOriginally posted by: Brutuskend
Good joke..just one question..since he caught them in the lake, why did he throw them BACK into the river??
0wned.
I wish I could remember jokes better. I ALWAYS forget them and I've heard such goods one here today. I want to share. I'm gonna carry a napkin around or something. Awesome jokes guys. Thanks
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
-
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
-
A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.
The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!"
The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"
The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"
The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"
"Because the sh!t is running down my back!"
-
The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!"
The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"
The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"
The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"
"Because the sh!t is running down my back!"
-
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some a$shole's got my pen."
-
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some a$shole's got my pen."
-
Oh, one more:
--
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."
-
--
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."
-
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure; but this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on its head."
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure; but this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on its head."
A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into the private room the doctor says to the patient, "What seems to be the problem?"
The patient answers, "You have to promise not to laugh."
The doctor said fine, and the patient pulled down his pants. The doctor barely managed to stifle his laughter as this patient had the absolute smallest penis he has ever seen, no more than half an inch long.
The doctor managed to ask between stifled chuckles, "What's the problem?"
The patient answered, "It's swollen."
The patient answers, "You have to promise not to laugh."
The doctor said fine, and the patient pulled down his pants. The doctor barely managed to stifle his laughter as this patient had the absolute smallest penis he has ever seen, no more than half an inch long.
The doctor managed to ask between stifled chuckles, "What's the problem?"
The patient answered, "It's swollen."
A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.
After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo Dick."
"How does it work?" asked the businessman.
The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Dick from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo Dick that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.
"Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!"
He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dick and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo Dick my pussy."
The Voodoo Dick flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dick inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.
The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo Dick my ass."
After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo Dick."
"How does it work?" asked the businessman.
The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Dick from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo Dick that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.
"Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!"
He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dick and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo Dick my pussy."
The Voodoo Dick flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dick inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.
The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo Dick my ass."
One day an old man who was sitting out on his porch watching the sun come up, when a young man goes whistling down the sidewalk with something tucked under his arm.
As he approached the house, the old man realized that it was a roll of chicken wire.
Where you going with all that roll of wire he asks.
Gonna catch me some chickens he says and off he goes.
About 2 hours later, The younger man goes walking by with 10 or 12 chickens all rolled up in the wire.
The old man thinks, Well I'll be, to himself. That boys on to something there.
The next day, sitting out on his porch, the old man sees the younger man walking down the street whistling to himself with something tucked up underneath his arm.
As the younger man gets closer, he realizes that it's a roll of duct tape.
Where you going with that duct tape the old man asks.
Gonna catch me some ducks says the younger man, and off he goes.
About 2 hours later, sure enough the younger man comes walking by with 10 or 12 ducks, all rolled up in the tape.
Dang if that ain't the sharpest kid, the old man thinks to himself.
Next morning, right on schedule, the old man sits out on his porch. This time he's looking down the street for the younger man.
A couple of minutes go by, and he sees the younger man walking along whistling to himself.
As the younger man gets closer, he sees that he has an armful of something or other but he can't quite make out what it is.
As the younger man gets closer, he poor old eyes can't see what the young man is carrying so he calls out, Hey, what you got there?
The younger man replies pussywillows! and the old man gets up and starts for the door.
Where you going old man? asks the younger man.
I'm going to get my coat. I'm coming with you! cries the old man.
As he approached the house, the old man realized that it was a roll of chicken wire.
Where you going with all that roll of wire he asks.
Gonna catch me some chickens he says and off he goes.
About 2 hours later, The younger man goes walking by with 10 or 12 chickens all rolled up in the wire.
The old man thinks, Well I'll be, to himself. That boys on to something there.
The next day, sitting out on his porch, the old man sees the younger man walking down the street whistling to himself with something tucked up underneath his arm.
As the younger man gets closer, he realizes that it's a roll of duct tape.
Where you going with that duct tape the old man asks.
Gonna catch me some ducks says the younger man, and off he goes.
About 2 hours later, sure enough the younger man comes walking by with 10 or 12 ducks, all rolled up in the tape.
Dang if that ain't the sharpest kid, the old man thinks to himself.
Next morning, right on schedule, the old man sits out on his porch. This time he's looking down the street for the younger man.
A couple of minutes go by, and he sees the younger man walking along whistling to himself.
As the younger man gets closer, he sees that he has an armful of something or other but he can't quite make out what it is.
As the younger man gets closer, he poor old eyes can't see what the young man is carrying so he calls out, Hey, what you got there?
The younger man replies pussywillows! and the old man gets up and starts for the door.
Where you going old man? asks the younger man.
I'm going to get my coat. I'm coming with you! cries the old man.
The Five Secrets to a Great Relationship
1. It is important to find a woman who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a woman who is good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four women never meet.
1. It is important to find a woman who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a woman who is good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four women never meet.
Ok, so a bear and a rabbit are in the woods taking a sh!t. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have problems with sh!t sticking to your fur." And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear takes the rabbit and whipes his ass with it.
An oldy but a goody.
********************************************
One day at school, the topic of the day was, 'What part of your body goes to Heaven first?'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher saw this and thought to herself, 'Oh no! Johnny always says something bad - I'll make sure he's the last one I call on!' So, instead the teacher calls on Susie.
Susie says, 'I think your brain goes to Heaven first because you have to be smart to go to Heaven.'
The teacher congratulated Susie, 'That's very good, Susie!' Then, the teacher calls on Mary.
Mary says, 'I think your heart goes to Heaven first because you have to love to go to Heaven.'
The teacher congratulated Mary, 'Very good, Mary!'
By this time, Johnny is waving his hand, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
The teacher gets ready and says, 'Okay, Johnny, it's your turn.'
Johnny gets up and says, 'I think your feet go to Heaven first.'
The curious teacher asks, 'Well, Johnny, that's very good! But, why do you suppose your feet go to Heaven first?'
'Well,' replies little Johnny, 'last night I walked into my parent's room, and my mom had her feet in the air, screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!''
**********************
********************************************
One day at school, the topic of the day was, 'What part of your body goes to Heaven first?'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher saw this and thought to herself, 'Oh no! Johnny always says something bad - I'll make sure he's the last one I call on!' So, instead the teacher calls on Susie.
Susie says, 'I think your brain goes to Heaven first because you have to be smart to go to Heaven.'
The teacher congratulated Susie, 'That's very good, Susie!' Then, the teacher calls on Mary.
Mary says, 'I think your heart goes to Heaven first because you have to love to go to Heaven.'
The teacher congratulated Mary, 'Very good, Mary!'
By this time, Johnny is waving his hand, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
The teacher gets ready and says, 'Okay, Johnny, it's your turn.'
Johnny gets up and says, 'I think your feet go to Heaven first.'
The curious teacher asks, 'Well, Johnny, that's very good! But, why do you suppose your feet go to Heaven first?'
'Well,' replies little Johnny, 'last night I walked into my parent's room, and my mom had her feet in the air, screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!''
**********************
Evadman
Administrator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
- Feb 18, 2001
- 30,990
- 5
- 81
Dear Friends,
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year (and since you have) I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem!
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing.
The 11 lords a leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird sh!t.
On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation, and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January!!!!
Maybe next year I will be able to get my sh!t together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Wal-Mart before everything is gone.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year (and since you have) I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem!
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing.
The 11 lords a leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird sh!t.
On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation, and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January!!!!
Maybe next year I will be able to get my sh!t together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Wal-Mart before everything is gone.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus
Dear Santa,
Sorry about your lame A$$ excuse for ruining christmas this year. We know were the 10 ladies got their VD,so maybe you should rethink your position. Pics.
Signed, Ruddolph
Sorry about your lame A$$ excuse for ruining christmas this year. We know were the 10 ladies got their VD,so maybe you should rethink your position. Pics.
Signed, Ruddolph
mcveigh
Diamond Member
- Dec 20, 2000
- 6,457
- 6
- 81
hope I dont screw this up, typing from memeory...
"A man has problems with his prostate, and his doctor tell him the only thing that will help is is to have it manually massaged once a month.
Reluctantly the man agrees.
Every month he goes to the doctor to have his prostate massaged. After many months of this he is done with another visit and is scheduling next month's appointment with the nurse when she informs him that the doctor will be on vacation next month.
He is worried about not getting his "treatment" on schedule. "Don't worry it's very simple, why don't you ask your wife to do it for you, just tell her exactly what the doctor does."
The man agrees, and tells his wife the plan. She agree's to do it the next time.
The time came for his treatment and they went into the bathroom.
"OK Now I face the wall, bend over and lean against it like this."
"Now you take your right hand and put it on my right shoulder." The wife does this.
"Now you put your left hand on my left shoulder." The wife does this also.
"Now he.......................................................................
.
.
.
.
.
.
THAT SON OF A B!TCH!!!"
"A man has problems with his prostate, and his doctor tell him the only thing that will help is is to have it manually massaged once a month.
Reluctantly the man agrees.
Every month he goes to the doctor to have his prostate massaged. After many months of this he is done with another visit and is scheduling next month's appointment with the nurse when she informs him that the doctor will be on vacation next month.
He is worried about not getting his "treatment" on schedule. "Don't worry it's very simple, why don't you ask your wife to do it for you, just tell her exactly what the doctor does."
The man agrees, and tells his wife the plan. She agree's to do it the next time.
The time came for his treatment and they went into the bathroom.
"OK Now I face the wall, bend over and lean against it like this."
"Now you take your right hand and put it on my right shoulder." The wife does this.
"Now you put your left hand on my left shoulder." The wife does this also.
"Now he.......................................................................
.
.
.
.
.
.
THAT SON OF A B!TCH!!!"
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