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joke thread... 18+ only pls

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edro

edro

Lifer
Apr 5, 2002
24,326
68
91
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.
 
T

Tobolo

Diamond Member
Aug 17, 2005
3,697
0
0
Originally posted by: Mizugori
oh really? you made them up? yeah, it shows... no wonder no one laughed... maybe you forgot what the point of a joke is? and jokes don't get done they get told
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You really are an a-hole.
 
T

theblackbox

Golden Member
Oct 1, 2004
1,650
11
81
A man and his son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.

The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah" said the son.

"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.

His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!
 
A

AkumaX

Lifer
Apr 20, 2000
12,647
4
81
How do you know when it is time to go to sleep in Michael Jackson's house?


-------------------


When the big hand touches the little hand.
 
joesmoke

joesmoke

Diamond Member
Nov 2, 2007
5,420
2
0
Originally posted by: AkumaX
How do you know when it is time to go to sleep in Michael Jackson's house?


-------------------


When the big hand touches the little hand.
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michael jackson joke winner!
 
fuzzybabybunny

fuzzybabybunny

Moderator<br>Digital & Video Cameras
Moderator
Jan 2, 2006
10,455
35
91
Originally posted by: MIKEMIKE
Okay, so there were three midgets in this bar, it was gettin late and they had all had their fair share of drinking.

Suddenly, one midget turns to the other two and goes, you know what, i probably have the smallest hands in the world. The other two look around, and say, okay, we'll drink to that. so they each drink to it.

The second midget turns to the other two and says, you know, i probably have the smallest feet in the world. the other two look around and say, okay, we'll drink to that.

The third midget looks around, says, you know, i probably have the smallest dick in the world. the other two look at each other, then around, and say, okay we'll drink to that.

So after these revelations, the three midgest concur that they should go the next morning to the guiness book of world records and get themselves put in the record book.

come next morning, the three midgets were outside the building for the guiness book of world records

the first midget walks in, about 10 minutes later, he comes back out estatic, and says I did it, ihave the smallest hands in the world, im in the guiness book of world records.

the second midget walks in, and about 15 minutes later, he comes back out estatic and says, I did it, I have the smallest feet in the world, im in the guiness book of world records.

The third midget proudly walks up and into the building, about 2 minutes later he comes back outside piss off. The other two ask him whats wrong, he responds
Who the fvck is this Anandtech Moderator guy anyways?
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:(
 
T

Turin39789

Lifer
Nov 21, 2000
12,218
8
81
Originally posted by: fuzzybabybunny
Originally posted by: MIKEMIKE
Okay, so there were three midgets in this bar, it was gettin late and they had all had their fair share of drinking.

Suddenly, one midget turns to the other two and goes, you know what, i probably have the smallest hands in the world. The other two look around, and say, okay, we'll drink to that. so they each drink to it.

The second midget turns to the other two and says, you know, i probably have the smallest feet in the world. the other two look around and say, okay, we'll drink to that.

The third midget looks around, says, you know, i probably have the smallest dick in the world. the other two look at each other, then around, and say, okay we'll drink to that.

So after these revelations, the three midgest concur that they should go the next morning to the guiness book of world records and get themselves put in the record book.

come next morning, the three midgets were outside the building for the guiness book of world records

the first midget walks in, about 10 minutes later, he comes back out estatic, and says I did it, ihave the smallest hands in the world, im in the guiness book of world records.

the second midget walks in, and about 15 minutes later, he comes back out estatic and says, I did it, I have the smallest feet in the world, im in the guiness book of world records.

The third midget proudly walks up and into the building, about 2 minutes later he comes back outside piss off. The other two ask him whats wrong, he responds
Who the fvck is this Anandtech Moderator guy anyways?
Click to expand...

snorgle snorgle
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Fixed

 
M

MechxWarrior

Senior member
Mar 2, 2004
565
0
76
A husband comes home drunk at 3:00AM and stumbles upstairs to pass out in bed. When he wakes up the next morning there are 2 aspirin and a glass of water at the bedside, and a note "Breakfast is down stairs honey".
When he goes downstairs the house has been cleaned, the Laundry is done, and there is Bacon, eggs, and pancakes waiting for him in the Kitchen, where his daughter is already having breakfast. He asks his daughter "what in the world is going on with you mother"?

The daughter replies, "you came home smashed drunk, broke the lamp in the front room, puked all over the hallway, and when mom tried to drag you in the bedroom you push her away."

The husband is still confused, and asks "So why is she being so nice to me?"

His daughter replies, "When she was taking off your pants and trying to put you to bed, you told her to back off lady I'm married".
 
joesmoke

joesmoke

Diamond Member
Nov 2, 2007
5,420
2
0
Originally posted by: MechxWarrior
A husband comes home drunk at 3:00AM and stumbles upstairs to pass out in bed. When he wakes up the next morning there are 2 aspirin and a glass of water at the bedside, and a note "Breakfast is down stairs honey".
When he goes downstairs the house has been cleaned, the Laundry is done, and there is Bacon, eggs, and pancakes waiting for him in the Kitchen, where his daughter is already having breakfast. He asks his daughter "what in the world is going on with you mother"?

The daughter replies, "you came home smashed drunk, broke the lamp in the front room, puked all over the hallway, and when mom tried to drag you in the bedroom you push her away."

The husband is still confused, and asks "So why is she being so nice to me?"

His daughter replies, "When she was taking off your pants and trying to put you to bed, you told her to back off lady I'm married".
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awwwww... <puke>
 
hanoverphist

hanoverphist

Diamond Member
Dec 7, 2006
9,867
23
76
Originally posted by: vshah
How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?


Fuck it, lets go ride our bikes.
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bwahaha!!

two blondes walk into a building...






youd think at least one would have seen it.
 
H

hiromizu

Diamond Member
Jul 6, 2007
3,405
1
0
Originally posted by: Mizugori
Originally posted by: Stratk1ng
BACK != BLACK


Originally posted by: Turin39789
What is back and white and red all over?


Nuns in a chainsaw fight.
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THANK YOU


Originally posted by: chitwood
An American businessman goes on business to Japan. He tells his assistant that night to get him some 'entertainment.' So his assistant gets him a hooker. The whole night this Japanese hooker keeps screaming, 'Hoshimota, hoshimota!'

He thinks he is doing it really, really good.


The next morning he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner, who makes a hole in one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and patting him on the back. The American can't think of what to say, so he says "HOSHIMOTA!"


His Japanese partner turns to him and says, "What do you mean, it is in the wrong hole?"
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I didn't laugh because hoshimota doesn't really mean anything. In fact it's a valid surname but it doesn't mean wrong hole.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! HAHAHHAHA
 
venkman

venkman

Diamond Member
Apr 19, 2007
4,950
11
81
Whats the difference between OJ Simpson and Colonel Sanders (the KFC guy)?





Colonel Sanders kills his chicks before he batters them.

 
Jeff7

Jeff7

Lifer
Jan 4, 2001
41,596
20
81
:music:

I'm forever blowing bubblllllles!

:music:



Fun Fact: Michael Jackson owned a monkey named Bubbles.

 
ConstipatedVigilante

ConstipatedVigilante

Diamond Member
Feb 22, 2006
7,670
1
0
Originally posted by: MechxWarrior
A husband comes home drunk at 3:00AM and stumbles upstairs to pass out in bed. When he wakes up the next morning there are 2 aspirin and a glass of water at the bedside, and a note "Breakfast is down stairs honey".
When he goes downstairs the house has been cleaned, the Laundry is done, and there is Bacon, eggs, and pancakes waiting for him in the Kitchen, where his daughter is already having breakfast. He asks his daughter "what in the world is going on with you mother"?

The daughter replies, "you came home smashed drunk, broke the lamp in the front room, puked all over the hallway, and when mom tried to drag you in the bedroom you push her away."

The husband is still confused, and asks "So why is she being so nice to me?"

His daughter replies, "When she was taking off your pants and trying to put you to bed, you told her to back off lady I'm married".
Click to expand...

:heart:
 
N

newb111

Diamond Member
Oct 8, 2003
6,991
1
81
A 13 year old boy came home all happy. His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly. The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother was distraught and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs. He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "Son I'm so proud of you, I'm going to get you that bike you wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
"Nah dad, my bum is still sore."
 
TastesLikeChicken

TastesLikeChicken

Lifer
Sep 12, 2004
16,852
59
86
A woman goes to her doctor and says "Doc, I have a problem." The doctor asks what the problem is and the woman says "I have hair growing all over my chest. I think it's a hormone imbalance."

Doc replies, "What makes you think it's a hormone imbalance." The woman rips open her shirt and says "Look!." She has a carpet of hair over a massive rack. The doctor is stunned. He says, "It's even growing down your stomach. How far down does it go?"

Woman replies "All the way to my dick."
 
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