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Jesus's middle name is Hume! Caution: Some NSFW images within!

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Would be perfect with suction cup on end for door knobs

Far from perfect. Wood against zombies? It's like you've never been in a zombie apocalypse before noob. Needs to be stainless steel for strength and durability and sharper for easier skull cleaving. Have a single wooden prong in case the shit really hits the fan and there are vampires mixed in with the zombies.
 
That potato at the bottom of the bin

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