haha... just got this in an email:
Louisiana Hurricane Season Notes
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two
basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana.
If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need
to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big
one.''
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1.
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
three days.
STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as
your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Louisiana, or any other
area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance
companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because
then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly
not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So
you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will
charge you an annual
premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any
moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since
Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different
home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big
Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in
addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to
my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all
the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages:
Plywood shutters:
The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're
cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters:
The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The
disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be
useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters:
The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will
definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will
have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows:
These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like
ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be
sure of this, because the salesman says so.
He lives in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects
like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives,
etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your
swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have
one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn
these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area,
look at your driver's license; if it says ``Louisiana,'' you live in
a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to
avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead,
you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from
your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a
bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last
possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious
fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights
At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes
off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach.
(No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg.
(This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there
WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions.
As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep
abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching
TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell
you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay
away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!
