Is there such a thing as getting psychological help for somebody else?

[Alphathree33]

We broke up. We got back together.

But that's beside the point... we dated for two years before breaking up, and in the last year I really noticed that she was a very bottled up person. It was the cause of a lot of our fights.

Emotionally she'll show this really super strong, super emotionless face all day, but if you hit her on just the right issue, she'll break down and cry.

Any number of things affect her:
- She's 3000 miles away from home (here at University) and so she constantly misses her parents.
- She's in a rocky relationship (with me) but I still care about her very deeply


I think a lot of our relationship problems and her emotional problems are related. Unfortunately when I try to discuss the emotional problems, it leads to more relationship problems. It's a vicious cycle.

I've tried to understand her for two years. It's like I don't even know this person buried deep inside of her, this really confused, really surpressed entity that she protects and hides and denies.

Whatever is going on in that brain of her's, it's extremely complicated. Many different issues are interrelated, intertangled and deeply rooted. This much I've come to understand.

She says she doesn't have any psychological problems. She says she is who she is, and she's fine.

I'm no psychologist, I'm an engineer. But I would bet my first born that she could really use some help. But I'm just not qualified to figure this out. It's confusing. She's not a willing participant. She claims there is nothing wrong. She claims I know all there is to know. And then she'll just break down and cry for some reason I had no clue about. (Like today she cried because she was "nervous" during dinner with me because it was "like a date". We've been going out for two years...)

Her psyche is so confusing that IM becoming confused just trying to wrap my head around it. If there were ever a mental contagious disease, she has it.

What on EARTH should I do about this? And don't say talk about it... I've been at this for a year, trying to figure her out, trying to help her. I used to think that if she could just talk about it and cry it all away, that would help. But crying leads to more crying and then even more crying. It just gets worse.

Then she'll simply get angry and say "DONT ASK ME ANYTHING ELSE! I'VE GOT THIS UNDER CONTROL" and she'll bottle it all back up.

 

[ScrapSilicon]

both of you need counseling..

 

[HappyPuppy]

Run, run as fast as you can. You can't help anybody who won't help themself.

 

[Alphathree33]

Originally posted by: ScrapSilicon
both of you need counseling..

I'd be happy to go with her... I don't claim to be emotionally perfect myself. But I think she'd just cry and get mad at me if I even hinted at it.

 

[Alphathree33]

Originally posted by: HappyPuppy
Run, run as fast as you can. You can't help anybody who won't help themself.

She isn't a "new" person that I've only recently come to know. I'm not just going to abandon her, but I really don't have the patience (actaully, the sanity) to continue dealing with this.

I can't really afford the number of shrink hours it would take to fix this, although the campus does have a counselling program.

 

[StageLeft]

Like today she cried because she was "nervous" during dinner with me because it was "like a date". We've been going out for two years...)

Holy SH*T she is NUTS. I'm not kidding. I'd command her to get a shrink and if she disobeys your command court marshall her with the penalty being breaking up.

That chick is bonkers, belie' dat.

 

[Pliablemoose]

A codependent person is one who has let another person?s behavior affect him or her, and is obsessed with controlling that person?s behavior. A codependent is also someone who accepts responsibility for someone else?s irresponsible behavior.

Run...

If she's unwilling to accept professional help, you're doomed in your attempt to assist her.

 

[Geekbabe]

Maybe she's nervous,anxious and crying because her lover is trying to be her therapist?

People tell their truths in their own time,you cannot force disclosures.Stop trying to analyze her and just love her as she is.

 

[StageLeft]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Maybe she's nervous,anxious and crying because her lover is trying to be her therapist?

People tell their truths in their own time,you cannot force disclosures.Stop trying to analyze her and just love her as she is.

She bloody well needs one. I mean Like today she cried because she was "nervous" during dinner with me because it was "like a date". We've been going out for two years...) <- DAMN!

 

[Josephus]

I've tried to understand her for two years. It's like I don't even know this person buried deep inside of her, this really confused, really surpressed entity that she protects and hides and denies.

We all do that, in one way or another... use childish defenses to cope with adult stressors, and not be aware of the behavior... we all do it.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: Skoorb

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Maybe she's nervous,anxious and crying because her lover is trying to be her therapist?

People tell their truths in their own time,you cannot force disclosures.Stop trying to analyze her and just love her as she is.

She bloody well needs one. I mean Like today she cried because she was "nervous" during dinner with me because it was "like a date". We've been going out for two years...) <- DAMN!

The relationship has been rocky to the point that they broke up,of course she's nervous,he's probably sitting there staring at her like she's an insect under a microscope.

btw,after a breakup it IS just like a date!

Did it ever occur to you that in presenting the "super strong face" to the world that she's attempting to toughen herself up,the world is a very hard cold place a lot of the time and the meek and sensitive get eatten alive.

Oh and did the idea also ever occur to you that despite getting back together that she might feel ackward and weird and not know what to do or say around you due to the breakup?

Why don't you just trust her enough to trust that if she wants to talk to you about something that she will?
Crying is not always a bad thing,it's a great stress reliever,just have fun and leave the rest alone.

 

[imported_intercollector]

Sounds like you're trying to dig too deep to me. While a phycologist may help, you can do your part to help her a million times more. Any phycologist will tell you that. You have the power to help her.

For starters, I'd stop trying to dig so deep. Just try to keep it more real, and just have fun. Don't worry too much about all the deep stuff. That will come when it comes, and ya can't force it.

I don't think the problem is strictly with her. And it's not with you either. Its with the both of ya, and only both of ya can fix that. Phycologists don't have magic medicine that's going to make things better in a week.

 

[Alphathree33]

You are saying "just have fun" and "love her for who she is".

I'd love to do either of those things.

Whenever we try to have fun, she can't, she doesn't know how. And I whenever I do anything loving or intimate, she can tend to break down and cry.

So now you see how I always get back to this issue.

 

[Kadarin]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: Skoorb

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Maybe she's nervous,anxious and crying because her lover is trying to be her therapist?

People tell their truths in their own time,you cannot force disclosures.Stop trying to analyze her and just love her as she is.

She bloody well needs one. I mean Like today she cried because she was "nervous" during dinner with me because it was "like a date". We've been going out for two years...) <- DAMN!

The relationship has been rocky to the point that they broke up,of course she's nervous,he's probably sitting there staring at her like she's an insect under a microscope.

btw,after a breakup it IS just like a date!

Did it ever occur to you that in presenting the "super strong face" to the world that she's attempting to toughen herself up,the world is a very hard cold place a lot of the time and the meek and sensitive get eatten alive.

Oh and did the idea also ever occur to you that despite getting back together that she might feel ackward and weird and not know what to do or say around you due to the breakup?

Why don't you just trust her enough to trust that if she wants to talk to you about something that she will?
Crying is not always a bad thing,it's a great stress reliever,just have fun and leave the rest alone.

On the other hand, he could just ditch her and go out with a girl who's actually got her sh*t together.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: Alphathree33
You are saying "just have fun" and "love her for who she is".

I'd love to do either of those things.

Whenever we try to have fun, she can't, she doesn't know how. And I whenever I do anything loving or intimate, she can tend to break down and cry.

So now you see how I always get back to this issue.

maybe you're lousy in bed?

perhaps your idea of "fun" "loving" and "intimacy" don't match up with hers?

 

[pulse8]

You can't someone who doesn't want to be helped.

If she doesn't want help, because she's obviously got some SERIOUS issues, you should run away as fast as you can. It's only going to get worse.

 

[pulse8]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: Alphathree33
You are saying "just have fun" and "love her for who she is".

I'd love to do either of those things.

Whenever we try to have fun, she can't, she doesn't know how. And I whenever I do anything loving or intimate, she can tend to break down and cry.

So now you see how I always get back to this issue.

maybe you're lousy in bed?

perhaps your idea of "fun" "loving" and "intimacy" don't match up with hers?

How can you defend this girl?!?

 

[TitanDiddly]

You can lead a horse to water...

but you you try to make it drink, you'll probably drown it.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: Astaroth33

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: Skoorb

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Maybe she's nervous,anxious and crying because her lover is trying to be her therapist?

People tell their truths in their own time,you cannot force disclosures.Stop trying to analyze her and just love her as she is.

She bloody well needs one. I mean Like today she cried because she was "nervous" during dinner with me because it was "like a date". We've been going out for two years...) <- DAMN!

The relationship has been rocky to the point that they broke up,of course she's nervous,he's probably sitting there staring at her like she's an insect under a microscope.

btw,after a breakup it IS just like a date!

Did it ever occur to you that in presenting the "super strong face" to the world that she's attempting to toughen herself up,the world is a very hard cold place a lot of the time and the meek and sensitive get eatten alive.

Oh and did the idea also ever occur to you that despite getting back together that she might feel ackward and weird and not know what to do or say around you due to the breakup?

Why don't you just trust her enough to trust that if she wants to talk to you about something that she will?
Crying is not always a bad thing,it's a great stress reliever,just have fun and leave the rest alone.

On the other hand, he could just ditch her and go out with a girl who's actually got her sh*t together.

Perhaps that's what she wants,maybe she's not strong enough to end it herself.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: pulse8

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: Alphathree33
You are saying "just have fun" and "love her for who she is".

I'd love to do either of those things.

Whenever we try to have fun, she can't, she doesn't know how. And I whenever I do anything loving or intimate, she can tend to break down and cry.

So now you see how I always get back to this issue.

maybe you're lousy in bed?

perhaps your idea of "fun" "loving" and "intimacy" don't match up with hers?

How can you defend this girl?!?

Because we were given very scant information to go on aside from the fact that she's very private,tries to not display strong emotion but reacts strongly to certain "issues" which btw weren't detailed.

 

[pulse8]

"Like today she cried because she was "nervous" during dinner with me because it was "like a date". We've been going out for two years..."

Ummmm....I don't know about you, but that just SCREEEEEEEEAMS that this girl has a lot of deep rooted issues. Cries at dinner? I only cry at dinner if the waiter stabs me in the shoulder with a fork.

 

Originally posted by: pulse8
"Like today she cried because she was "nervous" during dinner with me because it was "like a date". We've been going out for two years..."

Ummmm....I don't know about you, but that just SCREEEEEEEEAMS that this girl has a lot of deep rooted issues. Cries at dinner? I only cry at dinner if the waiter stabs me in the shoulder with a fork.

pussy

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: pulse8
"Like today she cried because she was "nervous" during dinner with me because it was "like a date". We've been going out for two years..."

Ummmm....I don't know about you, but that just SCREEEEEEEEAMS that this girl has a lot of deep rooted issues. Cries at dinner? I only cry at dinner if the waiter stabs me in the shoulder with a fork.

He said they'd broken up and gotten back together,perhaps she felt distant and strange with him.Hasn't that ever happened to you after a huge falling out with somebody?

 

[pulse8]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: pulse8
"Like today she cried because she was "nervous" during dinner with me because it was "like a date". We've been going out for two years..."

Ummmm....I don't know about you, but that just SCREEEEEEEEAMS that this girl has a lot of deep rooted issues. Cries at dinner? I only cry at dinner if the waiter stabs me in the shoulder with a fork.

He said they'd broken up and gotten back together,perhaps she felt distant and strange with him.Hasn't that ever happened to you after a huge falling out with somebody?

I can understand some awkwardness, but crying is the sign of other issues. Either with him or not, these are some big issues.

I went out with a girl for 2 years and we broke up for a couple of months. When she came back into town from school we hung out and eventually got back together. On our first night that we saw each other again there wasn't any crying, but there was plenty of sex.

If she had ANY reason to cry that night we would've never gotten back together because either she's f-in nuts or she doesn't really want to get back together.

 

[Yo Ma Ma]

She might just be in a more fragile state if she is 'constantly' missing her parents/family. She is still young and maturing, so I would not expect her to be in such a state for all of her life (just guessing though).

Also, a lot of it just might well be her personality, so if she is not interested in changing or getting help, then you need to decide if she is for you AS IS or not, if not then it's up to you to change or move on perhaps. Just let her know you are there to talk to if she wants, then let it go at that.

And no you cannot get help for her for the situation you present, she is not in danger of harming herself or someone else, she sounds a bit down and/or quirky, and there's no law against that. Closest you could come would be to attend counseling for yourself and see if it sheds any insight, much like a spouse of an alcoholic can attend al-anon or whatever it's called to help them cope with alcoholics.