Professional assistance required.
1. Start with the primary care physician, see what they recommend. Ours was able to give referral, but they didn't all work out ok. One guy basically just wanted to give lexipro to my son when he was 8, told him no way.
2. If he's struggling in school, hire an educational advocate asap. Ours was a 250 retainer fee, 40 an hour. Totally worth it, the school responds differently.
3. Seek licensed facilities for an independent evaluation, potentiallh covered by your insurance. Both mental health and learning disabilities need assessment. It's best to choose a facility that the school district would also choose, so they have less wiggle room to argue with the results.
My older son struggls in school, always. Struggles with interpersonal relationships. Has extensive knowledge of topics that kids wouldn't normally have. We went through years of working with (at first), and then fighting with the school district.
It wasnt until we got an independent evaluation that uncovered dyslexia, ADHD ( which we knew already, but wasn't diagnosed), and an expressive langiage disorder (basically, can't verbally Express or write what he's thinking on paper). Immediately hired the educational advocate, and the district was forced by law to provide certain accommodations. He's now placed out of district, and doing much better.
He is extremely talented with hands on type of work, as I hear from many parents of dyslexic kids. They're forced to keep up in a world not built for them.
He basically would throw a huge fit when he couldn't do the work, because eventually the teachers would just give up.
One day he didn't want to go to school, says to my wife "see you soon" while getting in the bus. An hour later the school was calling her to come get him....he trashed the time out room. He was 5.
My wife and I read symtpoms of Asperger's, and it describes him to a T. The autism diagnosis is a referral from the doctor, and it's an observation, not like a regular test. We did not choose to go through that, as it won't change much for him in terms of what help he's getting.
My son had gotten to the point where it was becoming violent towards everyone. I pulled him from school and refused to send him back, which kicked off a chain of events leading to where we are now. He's doing much better. I also immediately started going to therapy with him, since it was obvious he felt like we weren't on his side or supportive. That made a huge difference.
Hope this helps, it can be very tough on a marriage, and I wish the family the best. There's no guarantees, and it's best to persevere, and try to get the best help you can, while not always taking a professional word for it.
If we had done what people said, my son wouldn't have received the help he needed, and would be on anxiety medication that's only as old as he is, and his learning disabilities would not have been uncovered, and the resulting behavioral issues would be the symptom that was treated.