This brings me to this question I've been meaning to ask you. I remember you saying to someone on this forum, along the lines of : whatever you believed at any stage of your life, at that time, you were completely sure and certain of those beliefs. So how sure you are of your current beliefs?
I thought that was a very remarkable question, which really got me thinking. So the question is, is it possible that your entire current framework of belief - the various but ultimately connected things you talk about - for example, that there is no duality, there is no lover and beloved, and so on - is it possible that this entire framework you may come to reject at a later time?
How can one be sure of anything - I guess that is what it comes down to. Which is humbling in a good sense, but also unsettling.
Hehe. I do not recall the instance in which I said what you describe so I will have to look at it as if it were said by somebody else. It feels right. It is something I can relate to. I used to believe in the good, that to believe in it was the most important thing in the world, and that good exists and could be proven by the existence of God. I believed in God and the goodness of love and depended on that belief to shield me from all the suffering and misery I saw and experienced in the world around me. It was my salvation and it was my ruination because, when I started to look for proof that God exists, to end all doubt and to have the ultimate safety of certainty, I failed. The world went black. So I used to know but I found out that I didn’t. And what I lost was the belief that I could possibly ever be happy or believe in anything that could make me happy again. Total blackness and despair. I was a walking bleeding wound.
Now as you can likely imagine there may be something more wrong with somebody having such issues than what they define as the problem, but i’ll leave that for later.
So, as I said, in my search for a way out of the misery of the collapse of faith, I ran into a happy band of little campers, frolicking around in the exact same miserable godless joyless world as I was in, but they were laughing their asses off with their bullshit stories of strawberries and pumpkins and they were fucking with all of my assumptions. Those assholes threw me into a rage but I could not get them out of my mind. What the fuck was happening there.
Well, I have described that I found the strawberry so we will not go over that part, but it turned my world upside down, or rather right side up. The need for meaning, for God, for certainty, for truth, for truth in the good is as meaningless as any other emotional longing. Joy and love are the natural state of the true self and can easily be hidden and separated from, but can never be lost. We are God. We were created in His image and we created Him in ours.
So the problem with truth is that it the closer you come to it, the greater the paradox you face . Down is up. To suffer is to not suffer, knowing is not knowing, ego is inferiority, etc.
So to your question as to how I can know I am certain now about what I say isn’t that I am or can’t. It is that the need for certainty, the fear of doubt, cease to exist. All those things are problems for prisoners of the false self.
To not know anything doesn’t mean you don’t know facts or have information or opinions or that new information may supplant old. It is that you notice a non attachment to them for the sake of ego building that too many suffer from. Maybe free range cows instead of sacred ones, I don’t know.