Is being a loner not allowed in the digital age?

[HardcoreRobot]

my take:
loner = prefer to be alone, enjoys their own company. content without much social interaction

loser = wants social life, but doesnt get along with people/people dont like them. usually discontent with both social interaction and lackthereof

 

[IndyColtsFan]

So? Forced socialization at work should not be an anathema to developing friendships outside of work. "I was forced to talk to people at work today, so in my spare hours, everyone can FUCK OFF!" That's a little over-the-top. I'm not huge into socialization myself, but I still see friends on occasion to play pool or hang out and watch a game. Maintaining some basic human contact is important.

I didn't say it was. The difference is that you can choose who to hang out with outside of work whereas you can't at work.

 

[rivan]

I'm kind of that way too. Forced socialization at work is what really sucks. I just want them to leave me alone and let me do my job.

Ugh, definitely this. I have a couple of buddies I chat about sports/gambling/fantasy with, but aside from that...please leave me alone.

KT

+1.

 

[Crono]

I think being a loner is the same in any age. What people call social media has gone beyond socialization and now it's also a tool for doing the kinds of things (job applications/searches, exchange of news, political activism, etc) that were done in person just 10 - to 20 years ago.

I think very few people are truly loners, though, and the OP isn't one if he has a family. I'm not very social, but I'm not really a loner because I do have friends. I just don't feel compelled to hang out with them every day or even every week; sometimes I'm just involved with different things I am working on or thinking about, and I'm not driven to keep in touch with everyone I know. That does make me an introvert, though.

It's okay to be an introvert if you aren't selfishly introverted or self-absorbed. And a lot (not all) of online socialization is very shallow and not very fruitful, so I wouldn't be too concerned if you don't want to communicate with everyone via Facebook, Twitter, texting, etc.

 

[Mixolydian]

You sound perfectly normal to me. And since you have a family, there's n o way you could be called a loner.

Me, I find socialization exhausting. I mean, what the hell is worth talking about in a non-professional context? I interact with people at work and thats it. On my time, I like to be by myself doing things that I enjoy without having to worry about other people and their crap.

 

[MotionMan]

You have no idea what being a loner means.

Uh, you have a wife and kid. You're no loner.

you are a homebody.

not a loner.

This.

MotionMan

 

[acheron]

Hell is other people.

 

[Staples]

I'll talk to anyone and am nice and not shy but I have never been the type to make friends. I have a wife and kids but the only friends I talk to are ones of my wife.

Anyway, you are fine.

 

[Jeff7]

It's called being an Introvert being forced to live up to the expectations of Extroverts.

Very well said. Their excuse is always "We want to get you out of your 'comfort' zone."

"Ok then. Since we're going to be 'out and about,' let's get you out of your comfort zone."
But I'm sure that doing that would be frowned upon.




In general, this society evidently views those who prefer time alone as being defective in some way.
TV shows are quite prone to focus on it in some manner. There's someone who's shy, or likes being alone, and one of the main themes of the show, or even the entire basis for the show, revolves around tugging that person outside, shoving them into social situations, and either poorly-written hilarity ensues, or they magically do an about-face and suddenly turn into the noisy party animal.

Ahhh yes. I remember well the constant pestering in my childhood to go interact with people. The majority of people out there are extrovert and just can't comprehend how social situations can be so draining for some people.

This is a depiction of what occurs in the brain of that sort of person when you tell them that social situations can be draining, difficult, or unpleasant.

Brain errors out, reboots, backs up several seconds to overwrite the offending piece of information, and resumes.

 

[SlitheryDee]

Your wife should always be your best friend.

Thats not possible. Your best friend is the person you complain about your wife to.

 

[ultimatebob]

Nope... You are now required to have at least 80 friends on Facebook and Twitter or we'll think you are a weirdo.

You'll also soon be required to watch American Idol and download Taylor Swift songs from iTunes or we'll think you're with the terrorists

 

[soulcougher73]

The older you get the less you care about what you assume other people think about you. High School loser days are long behind.

 

[Sho'Nuff]

I've been thinking a lot about this lately - aside from my wife and our kid, I've grown to not really enjoy the company of others that much. I have my own hobbies and pursuits but don't enjoy what seems to be the norm these days around me - I'm pretty much a loner, but not a scary one but a "I prefer chasing my 20 month old vs. driving your drunk self home" one. I also find yuppie parents in NYC absolutely dreadfully boring with their over protective ways and dull conversations - basically, it's not them but I'm a loner.

10 years ago calling yourself a loner wouldn't be a big deal but now I feel like you're just not allowed anymore - with facebook and even emails it feels like the reach of my acquaintances is longer than I'd like. Of course the solution is to quit facebook but that's not my question - do you feel that social media has made being a loner unnecessarily difficult these days and the stigma much worse?

No. I am pretty much a loner too. I have a few friends, but mostly hang out with my family or by myself. Am perfectly happy spending an entire weekend doing stuff on my own.

Social media has certainly made it easier to connect with people, but I have never felt compelled to use it, or that I am the subject of ridicule because I choose not to use it.

 

[Triumph]

agree with most in this thread. i wish somebody had told me what an introvert was during college, so i wouldn't have spent all of those years thinking there was something wrong with me. thanks!

 

[Wyndru]

I think it's the opposite. The digital age now allows us to sit at home and socialize alone with an electronic device (many times anonymously) rather than making an effort to actually meet with people face to face.

 

[stlcardinals]

http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-In...keywords=quiet

Read it.

Her TED talk.

 

[jhansman]

It is allowed, but you must have cats. Several, in fact.

 

[KidNiki1]

http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-In...keywords=quiet

Read it.

Her TED talk.

Thanks for sharing this info. A great talk. I'm going to get the book as well.

 

[Jeff7]

http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-In...keywords=quiet

Read it.

Her TED talk.

At work:
Close door. Lock it. Throw the phone into a toaster oven, then crush the toaster oven with a forklift. Let me get some damn work done.

Nope. Meetings, tech support phonecalls, work with other people on little projects.


If I come in on a Saturday for 6 hours, when it is quiet, I can get 2-4 8hr weekdays' worth of work done. It's just ridiculous. Interruptions every 5 minutes during the week make it simply impossible to focus on anything, or to really think about how to solve a problem.

 

[irishScott]

This. I think a lot of people define themselves as "loners" as a rationalization because their social skills suck and they're too frightened, deer-in-the-headlights to improve them.

 

[Midwayman]

This. I think a lot of people define themselves as "loners" as a rationalization because their social skills suck and they're too frightened, deer-in-the-headlights to improve them.

Some 25% of the population is introverted. This is a perfect example of the crap that we have to deal with because dealing with people doesn't get our juices flowing.

 

[irishScott]

Some 25% of the population is introverted. This is a perfect example of the crap that we have to deal with because dealing with people doesn't get our juices flowing.

But communicating with them on internet forums does? Social interaction is social interaction. The only advantages of internet forums are that you get time to formulate your thoughts and don't typically have to worry about consequences. Put another way, they can compensate for one's lack of social ability.

I don't mind legitimate introverts, it's people bullshitting themselves that make me facepalm.

 

[HamburgerBoy]

The only advantages of internet forums are that you get time to formulate your thoughts... [p]ut another way, they can compensate for one's lack of social ability.

lolwut. There are probably a lot of reasons that some people are introverted, but if blurting out bullshit to minimize thinking time is a part of mastering social ability...

 

[Crono]

But communicating with them on internet forums does? Social interaction is social interaction. The only advantages of internet forums are that you get time to formulate your thoughts and don't typically have to worry about consequences. Put another way, they can compensate for one's lack of social ability.

I don't mind legitimate introverts, it's people bullshitting themselves that make me facepalm.

You missed the biggest advantage of internet forums: you get to interact - at least by sharing opinions and knowledge in text form - with people you might not in person.

Most of you might not be the kind of people (whether good or bad) I might interact with on a daily basis or even in a long period of time or lifetime. In "real" life, my circle of friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances, etc might see large and varied to me. But in reality it is very, very small as I don't have contact with people from different regions of the U.S., people who are into certain niche interests, people who are very knowledgeable about certain issues or areas of expertise, people from different countries, etc.

I might be an introvert, but it doesn't mean I don't like talking to people. Actually, I love talking about all sorts of things and can readily get into a discussion with different people. But I'm not quick to make friends necessarily, and I don't always want to interact with the friends that I have - sometimes people are just annoying and have nothing beyond small talk or gossip to discuss, which I hate. Forums challenge me more intellectually (and sometimes frivolously... okay often frivolously) than my regular crowd might.

Even looking at social networks, your average network of friends may not be the most stimulating, even if you like them a lot. I think that's what forums offer: different views (even if it's dissenting, it can be useful), access to knowledge, and opportunities as well.

Even take this thread for an example: I would get a lot of blank stares or about 3 sentences worth of conversation if I tried to engage my family or friends with this topic. Or a lot of other topics discussed on ATOT. And while someone might say, "why not make some new friends in real life who you could"? Well, frankly I don't have the time to form a panel of people or discussion group at the moment, and even if I did it wouldn't be a top priority. But it's pretty awesome that it can be easily done over the internet.

So long as you aren't using the internet as your sole means of interacting with your friends, family, or the world, I don't see the problem. The balance you want to draw up of real-life interaction/socialization to internet communication is up to you.

 

[Mixolydian]

lolwut. There are probably a lot of reasons that some people are introverted, but if blurting out bullshit to minimize thinking time is a part of mastering social ability...

It is. Most of the things people say are bullshit.