I'm enjoying being Single.

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moshquerade

moshquerade

No Lifer
Nov 1, 2001
61,504
12
56
Originally posted by: SagaLore
September 2006 my wife moved out.

No explanation, no warning. A week prior she was very upset and wouldn't talk. She took her ring off. Then she got an apartment, got some clothes, and was gone.

It took me months to get any information out of her. First it was because she wasn't happy, and thought as long as we were together neither of us would be truly happy. Then it was because she thought I deserved someone better than her; that she was just holding me back from goals and dreams. Then the cat was out of the bag at work - her and another co-worker had been flirting, which finally made its way to the girlfriend of the other guy... and... I will end the story there.

Moving to North Carolina was supposed to be a fresh start. In Pennsylvania we had to downsize to a 2br mobile home. Our first house was falling apart and the real estate in the town we were in was actually going down in value rather than up. So when the interest rates had fallen it was a perfect time to cut our losses. It was a tight living arrangement at first, but it was nice not having so much to mow or so much to clean. We could spend more time doing stuff together. But for some reason, there was always some distance between us. She would give hints, but never fully tell me, never try to work it out. Instead she chose to bury it deep inside and simply pretend everything was okay. We never fought, we rarely argued. But the affection was also dwindling. I knew something was wrong, but I attributed it to her dead-end job where the boss gave empty promises and was always weeks late paying her. I attributed it to our tiny little home and lack of cash flow. I attributed it to putting off having kids because we knew we couldn't afford them yet.

So then I got a new well paying job in NC. We bought a really nice house. I got her a nice car. We got all new hard wood furniture. Even without her working, we could now afford children. It was perfect.

It wasn't 4 months later that she took that ring off.

So now I have this house, all by myself. I spent Halloween and Christmas alone. I'm going to spend Easter alone. It took me a long time to take my ring off, and it was painful not having it on. But it had to be done. I'm now trying to date. I'm making new friends. I'm picking up hobbies. I'm losing weight and getting into shape. I'm traveling to India for my company, which probably would not have happened had we still been together. I'm arranging the house how I like it.

And I'm really enjoying having this level of freedom in my life.

But I'm hurting. I'm happy and sad at the same time. I'm indifferent and angry at the same time. I don't like dealing with these emotions - I have never been an emotional person, and this is getting too much for me. when I finally reach a balance, it comes crashing down again. I mentioned we were about to start a family. Well 1 year into our marriage she got pregnant. We weren't ready. I think even then she had her doubts about staying with me, and I was scared of the financial implications. When we finally accepted it and was optimistic, she miscarried. I was relieved, but felt very guilty about being relieved. She on the other hand was extremely upset. A few months ago my wife calls me that she had her annual pap smear, and the results were bad. The doctor was already bringing up a full hysterectomy as a possibility if her first procedures don't work. She might not have children, ever. She is 27, we were together 8 years, and I never gave her a child.

I can do whatever I want, whenever I want - at the cost of betrayal and postponement. Now I wait these months, until the 1 year separation is fulfilled, and divorce can be filed.

I enjoy being single. And you should too. Please don't rush into marriage.
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sounds like you are going through the steps towards recovery very well.

you are a great guy. in the long run you will find happiness again. i'm sure of it.
 
R

RbSX

Diamond Member
Jan 18, 2002
8,351
1
76
My respect-o-meter for you just went way up.

You're a good man, I wish I was mature about this type of stuff as you are.

 
D

djheater

Lifer
Mar 19, 2001
14,637
2
0
God help me if I ever become a bachelor again.
I was lucky enough to get a wonderful girl pregnant and sucker her into marriage. If she left me, I can't imagine what my prospects would be.

Good luck OP. You seem well on your way.
 
P

paulxcook

Diamond Member
May 1, 2005
4,277
1
0
I'm sorry you're hurting, man. I'm glad that you seem positive for the most part, though. I understand what you mean about not wanting to deal with them. When you tend to analyze things rather than "feel" them, it's like jumping into the deep end of a pool when the most you've done all your life is dangle your toes in. At least that's how I am, I don't want to assume too much.

Anyway, it's good that you're moving forward. Good luck to you.
 
sixone

sixone

Lifer
May 3, 2004
25,030
5
61
Originally posted by: 49erinnc
Good luck and use your time alone to really learn about yourself so that you can enter your next relationship with a better understanding of who you are/what you need.
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Wiser words were never spoken.
 
D

DaShen

Lifer
Dec 1, 2000
10,710
1
0
Originally posted by: sixone
Originally posted by: 49erinnc
Good luck and use your time alone to really learn about yourself so that you can enter your next relationship with a better understanding of who you are/what you need.
Click to expand...

Wiser words were never spoken.
Click to expand...

QFT...

Everyone needs to do this IMO.
 
B

Bumrush99

Diamond Member
Jun 14, 2004
3,334
194
106
Marriage is a difficult partnership, it requires constant upkeep and work, especially when you have two personalities that hold their emotions in like you and you wife did for so long.

One day you will wake up and you will go through your entire day, working, eating, cleaning, watching TV, reading, doing whatever you normally do on a daily basis. And the next day you'll wake up and almost feel guilty about not thinking about her the previous day. At that moment you will be over her, and well on the way towards a more balanced and normal life. That process takes some time, but you have a great attitude and will get there - eventually.
 
dullard

dullard

Elite Member
May 21, 2001
25,913
4,506
126
<- 30, divorced, and damn happy.

Many, many things that you just said reflect what happened to me 2 years ago (except for the miscarriage). So I can really feel for you.

You seem to be doing everything right now - making friends, hobbies, etc. The pain will go away. It'll especially go away when you find another person to share your life with. You'll still have some bad days when you are angry (such as the day you find out she is marrying the guy she cheated with), but for the most part it won't affect you much. For me, I don't even think about it on most days, but sometimes I wake up disappointed and wondering what really happened.

I too am enjoying being single. I can leave projects unfinished without nagging. I can sleep/wake whenever I want. I can eat what I want and when I want. Etc. I'm only truely happy when I have a mate (which I now do), but I'm going to wait a long time until I marry her. The single life isn't for me long term, but it is quite nice for now.

Good luck.
 
JDub02

JDub02

Diamond Member
Sep 27, 2002
6,209
1
0
<rocky>

It ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.

</rocky>

;)
 
Chunkee

Chunkee

Lifer
Jul 28, 2002
10,391
1
81
very nice read...good healthy attitude...some people go into such a tailspin..you grieved, got over it and moved on and found merit in the change...

kudos to you.

plenty o women out there.

and welcome to the south.

jC
 
S

ShOcKwAvE827

Senior member
Jul 28, 2001
950
0
0
GL man... just for future reference, does "You're too good for me" usually mean "I'm too good for you?"
 
SagaLore

SagaLore

Elite Member
Dec 18, 2001
24,036
21
81
Originally posted by: ShOcKwAvE827
GL man... just for future reference, does "You're too good for me" usually mean "I'm too good for you?"
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Not necessarily. It does mean "I don't want the kind of person that you are".
 
4

49erinnc

Platinum Member
Feb 10, 2004
2,095
0
0
Originally posted by: DaShen
Originally posted by: sixone
Originally posted by: 49erinnc
Good luck and use your time alone to really learn about yourself so that you can enter your next relationship with a better understanding of who you are/what you need.
Click to expand...

Wiser words were never spoken.
Click to expand...

QFT...

Everyone needs to do this IMO.
Click to expand...

It's funny how you think you really know yourself. What makes you tick, what you need to be happy, what you have to offer someone else, who you really are on the inside, etc. I firmly believe that if I had been more in touch with myself, then my marriage would have stood a much better chance of surviving. And I didn't really marry at an early age. I was 30 and still didn't really know myself well enough to be happy or make someone happy.

It wasn't until I lost my wife, counseling and a lot of soul searching that I finally began to explore who I was. I kept a journal, did a lot of reading, spoke to others, etc. Heck, I even emailed an old girl friend to flat out ask her what my relationship strengths/weaknesses were since we dated for 18 months back in college. I wanted her to be brutally honest and in doing so, I learned even more about myself.

I don't think a relationship can be 100% fulfilling and enduring if each person doesn't have a strong grasp of who they really are and what they really need. If they took the time to do so, I believe you would be a much better partner. Too many couples who have problems seem to think it's about "them" so they never address the underlying, individual issues. I think that when a marriage is falling apart, couples should skip the joint counseling and instead go to separate, individual counseling. I'm convinced that if each person addresses their own, exclusive issues, then a lot of times, the joint issues will take care of themselves.

Self-exploration is pretty fun actually and it makes you such a better friend, spouse, sibling, neighbor, coworker, etc.
 
iRONic

iRONic

Diamond Member
Jan 28, 2006
8,182
3,507
136
Originally posted by: SagaLore
I enjoy being single. And you should too. Please don't rush into marriage.
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Have your baby momma and kid move in.
 
iRONic

iRONic

Diamond Member
Jan 28, 2006
8,182
3,507
136
Originally posted by: moshquerade
Originally posted by: iRONic
Originally posted by: SagaLore
I enjoy being single. And you should too. Please don't rush into marriage.
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Have your baby momma and kid move in.
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not everyone is into that lifestyle.
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If he impregnated her he should support them.
 
Safeway

Safeway

Lifer
Jun 22, 2004
12,075
11
81
I got a headache while reading the thread, just imaging what you must be going through. Good luck to you.
 
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