This is it. Tonight I kill myself.
I was working on a project that requires hard to get clearance, and I didn't get it. Basically, I was in a mental institution for a while in High School, and somehow they found out about it. It seems like bullshit that such a thing could keep me out, but those are the rules and there is nothing to be done about it.
They probably knew for some time, but they did not tell me until my contract lapsed so that I would complete the whole project.
Now, I have nothing. Nothing at all.
There is simply nothing for me to live for any more; no one here has no idea how much of my life I have spent merely scrambling to get out of a hole. It was hard work but I was slowly catching up to where a normal person should be, but I see now that I am only ultimately falling more and more behind each day. I have been looking for work the last three years as I worked on this, and found nothing, and I know now how futile my search is, and I have hated the jobs I have had anyhow. As for the rest of my life, it has never been anything but a complete wreck and I have no hope for the future.
There is more I want to say to a few of you, but maybe I have said too much already in the past and there is no going back now anyhow.
I have written notes to each of my family and to what few friends I have and left them with mailing instructions.
When I post this I will already be dying in an irrevocable manner.
It is sad that I will probably be missed here more than in real life, which is to say not at all.
I have much more to say but it's pointless.
VaeVictus
Signing off
I was working on a project that requires hard to get clearance, and I didn't get it. Basically, I was in a mental institution for a while in High School, and somehow they found out about it. It seems like bullshit that such a thing could keep me out, but those are the rules and there is nothing to be done about it.
They probably knew for some time, but they did not tell me until my contract lapsed so that I would complete the whole project.
Now, I have nothing. Nothing at all.
There is simply nothing for me to live for any more; no one here has no idea how much of my life I have spent merely scrambling to get out of a hole. It was hard work but I was slowly catching up to where a normal person should be, but I see now that I am only ultimately falling more and more behind each day. I have been looking for work the last three years as I worked on this, and found nothing, and I know now how futile my search is, and I have hated the jobs I have had anyhow. As for the rest of my life, it has never been anything but a complete wreck and I have no hope for the future.
There is more I want to say to a few of you, but maybe I have said too much already in the past and there is no going back now anyhow.
I have written notes to each of my family and to what few friends I have and left them with mailing instructions.
When I post this I will already be dying in an irrevocable manner.
It is sad that I will probably be missed here more than in real life, which is to say not at all.
I have much more to say but it's pointless.
VaeVictus
Signing off
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