I'd give you all:
A gin and tonic
A high colonic
And a whiff of chronic
That's supersonic!
Several drinks later, two seasoned and medically inspected street professionals would simultaneously approach you on their knees as you lie supine on your ergonomically correct and wickedly riced out Aeron chair (with spoiler!) and dual boot you, baby, doing a dirty install if that's what it takes!
For the distaff side, they could either have Fabio, a locked room, a ball gag, and a plausible alibi afterwards, or John Edwards robotically programmed to say, "Why, yes, dear, I HAVE left my wife for you.  Let's go shopping!"
At the end of the festivities, I'd provide a maid service to clean up and a PR professional to lie to the press and everyone else about what really happened.
Finally, free shipping and some sort of coupon to seal the deal for RossMAN. 
