I was owned by a 5 year old at Target today...

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OutHouse

OutHouse

Lifer
Jun 5, 2000
36,410
616
126
Great story, very well written. 10/10

sorry for your nads, hope they are better now.
 
Zenmervolt

Zenmervolt

Elite member
Oct 22, 2000
24,514
44
91
This has got to be in the running for thread of the year. It's certainly the best so far. :) I'm sorry for you man, I know how that hurts, but your description is beyond funny. Might as well be Dave Barry!

ZV
 
S

SherEPunjab

Diamond Member
Oct 23, 2002
3,841
0
0
Originally posted by: HelloDeli
My wife and I were at Traget today picking up a few things we needed. Naturally, I ditched her for the Electronic department to see what was new. Checked out the games first, picked up a few CD-Rs, and was checking the DVD section for some awsome Target deals. Next to the new release section, is the kids section of movies, Harry Potter, Finding Nemo etc.

There was a small boy about five or so, flailing about next to me doing his best Dragonball impression on his older sister who was yelling at him to stop his kung-fu antics. The mother had that beat down look of mothers who have a 5 year old boy that has a deep love for Dragonball and anything involving violence that can be inflicted on a sibling. Im guessing she was running on autopilot, because she seemed oblivious to the wire-fu going on next to her. Despite my description of the scene, I wasnt really paying that much attention to them.

My wife comes up behind me and tells me shes done, which was fine by me because Bill Murry's blank stare on the "Lost In Translation" cover was making me increasingly uneasy. I turn to my left to flee from the DVD section, only to see a small fist come at me in slow motion. Being as I am not The One, I was unable to evade the lightening fast fist this 5 year old version of Agent Smith, was aiming directly at me. Full force contact was made DIRECLY on my my crotch, knocking my testicles into the Nether Reagion of my Abdoman. The hit was so clean and precise that only the Ancient Shaolin Masters would be able to duplicate.

The pain was so intense and beyond anything my crotch had experienced thus far, that I was thrown on the floor, hands firmly grasping my bludgeoned package, face twisted in agony. I dont know how long I lay there crumpled in the blackness of misery, seconds maybe, minutes, Hours? All connection to the real world was lost, I knew only The Pain.

I was snapped back into the real world by a small voice, clearly from a female child, asking me if I was ok. It was hardly audible over the loud shrieking laughter of of my wife, and Little-Goku's mom. I open my eyes looking for comfort like a child who has skinned his knee, only to see the only person who wasnt trapped in a banshee wail of laughter, Goku's older sister.

I wimper a "Yes" to the little girl, slowly inching my way off the floor to eye level of these red-faced howling banshee women. My twisted face of agony only seemed to fuel the the horrible gutteral noises of these creatures, so I made my way to the car, wincing every step. My wife came out about fifteen minutes later red-eyed and still laughing like a mad woman.

I also forgot to put my CD-R's in the cart:(
Click to expand...


looks like someone has a new fan
 
J

JBT

Lifer
Nov 28, 2001
12,094
1
81
OMG man I haven't gotten nutted in a few years thank god. It feels like a lightning bolt to well... the junk. Sorry to hear about the CD-R's too.
 
M

mosco

Senior member
Sep 24, 2002
940
1
76
thats the worst feeling...

I got hit like 2 weeks ago with a tennis ball. My friends and I thought it would be funny if I tried to catch a ball thrown as hard as they could from 10-15 feet away and all i had was something covering my face. I was in so much pain, yet it was so funny...
 
M

MastaTam

Senior member
Aug 7, 2001
241
0
0
I don't understand why people aren't more upset by what happened. Granted that it's only a 5-year-old kid, but the fact that that kid's mom laughed alongside HelloDeli's wife really pisses me off. She is clearly accountable for what happened, yet all she does is laugh hysterically? That really pisses me off. And another thing that pisses me off is the wife's reaction. If I were married, and someone caused extreme pain to my wife, I know that I wouldn't be laughing until well after the situation occured, not while she was writhing in agony.
 
O

oLLie

Diamond Member
Jan 15, 2001
5,203
1
0
Nice Story. Nice Sig. A++ for you, sir.

Originally posted by: Marauder911
I hope you got some from your wife so that you could test your machinery after that incident.
Click to expand...

lol
 
S

Sketcher

Platinum Member
Aug 15, 2001
2,237
0
0
Originally posted by: Pex
hit him square in the nuts. he was on the ground with blue balls for 10 minutes.
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Two different kinds of pain from two entirely different causes there buddy.
 
MDE

MDE

Lifer
Jul 17, 2003
13,199
1
81
That was a great story, hope the nuts are feeling better, I know the feeling.
 
GoodRevrnd

GoodRevrnd

Diamond Member
Dec 27, 2001
6,801
581
126
Damn... I woulda been really pissed if it was me and the kids mother was laughing. I don't see what women find so funny about getting kicked in the nads.
 
W

Whisper

Diamond Member
Feb 25, 2000
5,394
2
81
Originally posted by: Sketcher
Originally posted by: Pex
hit him square in the nuts. he was on the ground with blue balls for 10 minutes.
Click to expand...
Two different kinds of pain from two entirely different causes there buddy.
Click to expand...

So very true.

And yes, scrotal trauma is about the worst pain imaginable. How something so awful can also be so very, very funny is one of life's greatest mysteries.
 
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