I want to stop crying

[JulesMaximus]

"Once, as I was burying one of my dead selves, the grave-digger came by
and said to me, 'Of all those who come here to bury, you alone I like.

Said I, 'You please me exceedingly, but why do you like me?'

'Because,' said he, ' They come weeping and go weeping--you only come
laughing and go laughing.'"

Kahlil Gibran

 

[Gulzakar]

you'll be fine.

 

[spidey07]

alright. That's it.

My new #1 priority is to get rid of this depression with full force.

Medication (jeez I hate to take anything but I gotta do what I have to do to fix this)
Shrink (making appointment tomorrow)
Therapy (probably going to have to go multiple times a week)

Hopefully all will get better but I do have a long journey in front of me.

The kicker is I have been depressed since I found out about my mom's illness (over a year ago) and didn't even know it. Boy did it cost me a lot. I shoulda realized what was going on with me with I got dinged on my review last august.

I simply told my boss "I don't know what's going on. I've lost my confidence"

Gee - one of the big symptoms of male depression. Going through the checklist of anxiety/depression symptoms I've nailed every single one. I should have known something was up when I lost interest in sex.

I'm having those suicidal thoughts that accompany this disease and it scares the crap out of me. That's good, that crap should scare me to realize what they are and where they are coming from.

May peace be with all of you. Thanks for listening.

ps - I even made the girl i'm dating now sign a contract between us that she would put up with me during my illness in hopes that we can both lift above it. That was kinda fun, making the promises we've made to each other "official" I can't take the stress of dating or juggling girls right now so I have to get better first. Simplify my life so that I can focus on myself, my career (of over 10 years) and my new love.

pss - No, I'm not a wussy. In fact I'm known amongst my large group of friends as a rock of mental stability. I hear everybody goes through something like this in their life.

psss - Yes. i bought the 2004 Rodondo Red TL as therapy for myself.

pssss - WOW. It even feels good to write about it. Maybe this journaling thing that's so recommended is a good thing. Heck, maybe I'll blog?

 

[Gulzakar]

time heals a lot of things...look forward to the next day...it eventually dulls.

 

[LordJezo]

Download the song "Carrie" by Europe.

That will be a good start.

 

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: Gulzakar
you'll be fine.

meh.

Gulzakar,
My whole body hurts. All the time. Physically hurt. All the time. I haven't been happy for a LONG time.

Yes, I'll be fine. But it is going to take a lot of work to get there. I now know just how deep and bad depression can get and unfortunately what it makes you do to loved ones.

 

[Gulzakar]

time heals a lot of things...look forward to the next day...it eventually dulls.

 

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: Gulzakar
time heals a lot of things...look forward to the next day...it eventually dulls.

True. But its been over 4 months since she left and its getting worse. Its been getting worse for a year.

And I now have my moment of clarity. Remembering how I used to feel. Shamefully I had to lose just about everything to realize my illness.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: spidey07
This sucks. Its everyday now.

Its gettin' real old, real quick. Anything can set me off. A song, movie, tv show, weather, stiff breeze, etc.

*huge hugs for spidey*

It's good you have someone there for support (new love ). Best wishes with everything...

 

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: Dezign

Originally posted by: spidey07
This sucks. Its everyday now.

Its gettin' real old, real quick. Anything can set me off. A song, movie, tv show, weather, stiff breeze, etc.

*huge hugs for spidey*

It's good you have someone there for support (new love ). Best wishes with everything...

Yeah, she's been really cool to me. Once I'm all fixed up you can move down here and be kept in style and make babies.

self portrait from aruba.
http://pics.apartment808.com/users/spidey07/DSCF0029.JPG

 

[Azraele]

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time, but it sounds like you have a good plan to get back on track. If there's anything I can do, lmk, and best of luck be with you.

 

[Ausm]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: Optimus
Spidey - sounds like it may be depression. Have you seen a doctor about it?

oh man, its a whole other class of depression. Think its called "major depression"

I have been through depression ...if you want to talk about it feel free to PM me

Sysadmin

 

[kenshorin]

Spidey -

Sorry to hear that you've fallen back into the depression, but at least you recognize it and are willing to fight the fight. Talking about it in any forum helps, hopefully you listen to what people here have been telling you (besides the asshats).

 

[Doggiedog]

Hang in there Spidey, we are all pulling for you.

 

[XZeroII]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: Dezign

Originally posted by: spidey07
This sucks. Its everyday now.

Its gettin' real old, real quick. Anything can set me off. A song, movie, tv show, weather, stiff breeze, etc.

*huge hugs for spidey*

It's good you have someone there for support (new love ). Best wishes with everything...

Yeah, she's been really cool to me. Once I'm all fixed up you can move down here and be kept in style and make babies.

self portrait from aruba.
http://pics.apartment808.com/users/spidey07/DSCF0029.JPG

First thing I would do is see an optomitrist about those eyes :Q Having eyes that red would make me sad too!



I'm sorry. Just remember that time is all it takes. Situations are temporary. When you're getting runover on the highway of life, it's ok to cry.

 

[Tinkerhell]

I hope therapy will help you. I know how it feels to go through a difficult time (depression, panic, social anxiety), and I can tell you talking to a therapist really helped me. But eventually I did need to go unto some medication (Paxil CR), and since the end of the summer I've been feeling so much better. You will get there, just have faith. I'm happy you have a girlfriend who will stay by your side during this difficult time. I don't know where I'd be right now if oniq wasn't by my side during my bad days. I wish you all the luck. And I know things will get better I was just wondering, does depression run in your family?

 

[IGBT]

Are you the "crying shame" everybody's talking about??..........

 

[Kadarin]

:beer:

 

[Yax]

You look like the kinda guy who can find a one nite stand. Do so. Then do it again and again and again. If you have trouble, try the local hookers. Take this treatment for 1 month, then call us at ATOT again if you don't feel better.

nookie cures depression.

 

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: cheapbidder01
You look like the kinda guy who can find a one nite stand. Do so. Then do it again and again and again. If you have trouble, try the local hookers. Take this treatment for 1 month, then call us at ATOT again if you don't feel better.

nookie cures depression.

LOL!
I've never had a problem getting women. Remember...I'm almost 33. There is so much more that i desire in a woman than nookie.

And that's what I'm scared of entering the dating world. STDs. I also know that sex is just sex. Love is something completely different and takes a while for me to develop.

The problem with this fricking disease is i really don't desire sex. Its there anytime i want it (been laid by about 5 different women in the last 4 months). Its just sex.

I've lost my scuba partner, my travel partner, my computer geek, my gardening partner, my video game partner, my best friend, my soulmate, my cooking partner, my lover, my sexual partner who was my equal (you have NO idea), my snowboarding/skiing partner, the woman whose life I saved twice, my dance partner and the woman that I kissed every morning and every evening, and the future mother of my children.

oh well. Gotta get back on a path because right now its up in the air.

 

[isasir]

Cliche-city here, but:

Time heals all wounds
Medication is not a crutch, but a viable method of helping you get better, just as long as you don't become addicted or dependent on it in the long run
Love blinded you. For your wife to be so easily coerced into doing what she did, she didn't deserve you.
You have a lot of positives going for you as a person. Another woman will see you for this and love you like you deserve to be loved.


Best of luck!

:beer: (Only one. Don't become an alcoholic!)

 

[spidey07]

You have a lot of positives going for you as a person

And that is the one thing that is keeping me going. At my true core I am love. As hard as this is i know what is deep inside me. Most would be completely broken by what I've gone through and I'm close. But I will rise above and figure a way out of this.

 

[Platypus]

it doesn't get better, just so you know

 

[isasir]

Originally posted by: spidey07

You have a lot of positives going for you as a person

And that is the one thing that is keeping me going. At my true core I am love. As hard as this is i know what is deep inside me. Most would be completely broken by what I've gone through and I'm close. But I will rise above and figure a way out of this.

I'm glad to hear.

We all deal with depression in different ways, and we never know how we'll handle it until it actually happens. My girlfriend at the time passed away about 1.5 years ago. The weeks that followed were absolutely horrible. I handled my depression by crying and sleeping a lot. I also have a good circle for friends that were there for me, and although I did prefer to be by myself a lot of times, it was comforting to know that they were around. Time healed the wounds that were inflicted though.

 

[StageLeft]

Goodluck, and I whole heartedly disagree with CorporateRecreation on the matter. It almost always "gets better".