I think I'm breaking up a long distance relationship

[Jzero]

Ethical? Hey, she went willingly. You didn't "steal" anything. It sucks to be in the other guy's shoes, but thems the breaks. FWIW I "stole" my wife from another guy. They were NOT in a long distance relationship. They had only been together about a month, but I "stole" her nonetheless.

What makes it even worse is that the three of us were all working on a project together. We considered each other to be "friends" (although we had only known each other for a couple of months). It was pretty hard because we had to work closely together for another week after they broke up, and it was no secret why they broke up. He was a really nice guy and never gave me any reason to plant a knife in his back, but I just could not allow myself to pass up the opportunity. I had been dating a different girl for over 2 years at the time, too!

I feel somewhat vindicated that I married the girl. At least the other guy knows that I didn't horn in on his girl just to be a jerk, grab some play and then toss her aside. We are even on friendly terms again.

Anyway, the bottom line is that there was no coercion. It's not like I held a gun to her head. In fact, I broke up with my girlfriend and said nothing about it to her. I didn't want her to feel like I broke up with my girlfriend and now she would have to follow suit. I let her find out on her own.

She's going to can the other guy eventually. If you don't reap the rewards, someone else will. She may dump you for another guy in 2 months, but that's the way it goes.

 

[preslove]

Originally posted by: 91TTZ

Originally posted by: preslove

When we walk through the crowds she holds my hand, but doesn't take it away after we get through. We walk back to my house, eventually holding hands. We kiss in my house, but she is a little reluctant. Next day, she was like, "that was pretty weird." I'm like "I don't want to push your bounderies, blah blah." She replies, softly and without much conviction, "I wish it didn't happen."

She says it is complicated and that this dude broke up her real bad relationship with a live in boyfriend because the live-in guy was jealous of having this northern cali guy visit her. The northern cali guy told her he loved her by mail and for the past six months they've been having this ldr with visits around every 2 months.

we've been spending a lot of time together and fooling around, but nothing too serious. Last night we walk to get some take-out and she starts on about how she is trying to figure out how she got herself in this awkward mess. She says that she loves this guy, but not as much as he does her, and not in the same way. She says that he is much less experienced than she, and doesn't know how to handle the feelings that he has for her.

I really like this girl and could definitely see us having a long term relationship.
thoughts?

Seriously, from the info you've already given, can't you see that this girl has loyalty issues? She couldn't be trusted. She broke up with boyfriend #1 because she's seeing guy #2, and now she's cheating on guy #2 with you, guy #3.

There is no potential for a long term relationship here. Unless, of course, you don't mind your girl backdooring you.

She told me that she didn't cheat on the old boyfriend. I think the bf was more about gaining independence while keeping security. She was with the older bf for over a year and moved down from north florida to south florida. Things were going real bad with that, but new guy comes to visit and stuff breaks loose (controlling boyfriend jealous and paranoid). She moves back to north florida. She knows current bf from Americorps from 3 years ago and they kept in touch through the mail. After he left he told her (I think by mail) that he loved her and wanted to do a ltr. She was living on people's couches, looking for work in town and (i think) scaired, so she accepted (my reading).

 

[yllus]

Originally posted by: Orsorum
However, he's just doing what's in his interest. It's the girl's responsibility to either tell him to back off or to break it off with her bf. It's her choice. At least he's wondering about the ethical ramifications, that shows some conscience.

Yup. Hate to sound cynical, but worrying and acting on everyone else's behalf is a sh!tty way to live life and a surefire way to put yourself second every time. Good luck to you if you follow that route, but I wouldn't even consider that honourable - it's just plain silly. And who knows, maybe the next time preslove calls up the girl will say that she wavered but is going to stay firm to the mail guy. That's her choice.

I doubt preslove is dumb enough to think this will lead to a lasting relationship, or Vishnu forbid, marriage.

 

[MaverickBP]

Originally posted by: DougK62

Originally posted by: Nik

Originally posted by: Skoorb

You're a fvcking slimeball for doing anything other than just being a friend from a distance if you knew she had a boyfriend.

She's a worthless slutty whore for accepting your invitation while being involved with someone else at the same time.

Your first statement is false. It's between her and her lamo boyfriend. If she likes the OP, why should he give a sh*t about some guy who's obviously not adequate for this girl?

Your second statement I agree with. She is a slutty ho for playing two guys at once.

Uh... No, my first statement is fvcking bullseye dead on. If you know someone has a siginifcant other, stay the fvck away if you've got feelings for them. It's only going to make the situation worse and by NOT staying away, you're encouraging her to be unfaithful which is, in my book, just as bad as being unfaithful.

You are WAY off. If your girl is into you then other guys coming onto her won't make ANY difference in your relationship - because she'll still want to be with you. I like it when guys come onto the girl that I'm with - then I can see what she's really made of.

seems your WAY off. even the strongest and most commited person has their breaking point. There's a word...its called regret. which means doing something and having realization of it later on. you ever yell at ur partner, and realize u didnt mean it? anyone in a emotional state can be taken advantage of especially if the op is telling her how she doesnt need that guy, and making himself seem like a knight in shining armor (not accusing u op just for relevance) shes gonna do what she "thinks" is appropriate. considering her emotional state shes not equipped to make such decisions and the op should realize that and back off.

 

[PingSpike]

I don't think anyone thinks that what the OP is doing isn't a sh|t thing to do to some guy. That said, this girl obviously has loyalty issues if when asked out once by the OP she just forgets about her BF. Sounds more like he's doing california dude a favor by saving him time and money spent on plane tickets.

 

[MrDudeMan]

Originally posted by: Nik

Originally posted by: Skoorb

Originally posted by: Nik

Originally posted by: DougK62
It's not your problem. Her cheating on her LDR has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. If you want it, then go for it.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. She'll do it to you too.

Very likely. I do still think he should pursue things just to get his rocks off, but if he's thinking of marrying her he needs to realize she's a two-timing bizzle!

It's called "self control." If someone can't freaking control themselves, they're not worth becoming involved with. If your balls ache THAT MUCH, then pull pork or something. Don't be a party to fvcking up someone else's relationship if it's that fragile.

easy there rambo. you both have an acceptable opinion and POV...just relax some 🙂 :beer:

 

[NikPreviousAcct]

MaverickBP, I don't think it's a matter of emotional vulnerability. I think it's a matter of two unthoughtful, unfaithful douchebags that finally found each other and want to be miserable with each other for a few months before moving on to the next trick.

 

[DougK62]

Originally posted by: Nik

Originally posted by: DougK62

Originally posted by: Nik

Originally posted by: Skoorb

You're a fvcking slimeball for doing anything other than just being a friend from a distance if you knew she had a boyfriend.

She's a worthless slutty whore for accepting your invitation while being involved with someone else at the same time.

Your first statement is false. It's between her and her lamo boyfriend. If she likes the OP, why should he give a sh*t about some guy who's obviously not adequate for this girl?

Your second statement I agree with. She is a slutty ho for playing two guys at once.

Uh... No, my first statement is fvcking bullseye dead on. If you know someone has a siginifcant other, stay the fvck away if you've got feelings for them. It's only going to make the situation worse and by NOT staying away, you're encouraging her to be unfaithful which is, in my book, just as bad as being unfaithful.

You are WAY off. If your girl is into you then other guys coming onto her won't make ANY difference in your relationship - because she'll still want to be with you. I like it when guys come onto the girl that I'm with - then I can see what she's really made of.

Okay, put yourself in the boyfriend's shoes. What if this certain guy keeps persuing her when she's not interested? You don't find that douche-bag-ish?

Well now you're changing the story, aren't you? We're talking about both parties clearly being interested. It's a whole different ball game when someone DOESN'T want to be hit on.

 

[NikPreviousAcct]

Originally posted by: Bigsm00th

Originally posted by: Nik

Originally posted by: Skoorb

Originally posted by: Nik

Originally posted by: DougK62
It's not your problem. Her cheating on her LDR has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. If you want it, then go for it.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. She'll do it to you too.

Very likely. I do still think he should pursue things just to get his rocks off, but if he's thinking of marrying her he needs to realize she's a two-timing bizzle!

It's called "self control." If someone can't freaking control themselves, they're not worth becoming involved with. If your balls ache THAT MUCH, then pull pork or something. Don't be a party to fvcking up someone else's relationship if it's that fragile.

easy there rambo. you both have an acceptable opinion and POV...just relax some 🙂 :beer:

Sorry...

*retracts claws*

😛

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: Nik
It's that very question of doubt that should ring loud and true in the OP's head. It's wrong and he knows it.

Orsorum, I've become one hell of a cold, hateful, spiteful, bitter bastard and I still know the difference between right and wrong. This is wrong and everyone knows it --well, that is, everyone who has any sense of morals or ethics.

I have a strong sense of morals and ethics, and I find it rather insulting that you make such a statement.

If he were hardcore pursuing her after she had signalled her disinterest, that would be one thing. But she has already made the choice to pursue him, she even made the first move. It is her responsibility to break off her other relationship and it is his responsibility to ask her to do so. Beyond that I couldn't care less what they do.

 

[MaverickBP]

i agree Nik. both situations have similar results

 

[NikPreviousAcct]

Originally posted by: DougK62

Originally posted by: Nik

Originally posted by: DougK62

Originally posted by: Nik

Originally posted by: Skoorb

You're a fvcking slimeball for doing anything other than just being a friend from a distance if you knew she had a boyfriend.

She's a worthless slutty whore for accepting your invitation while being involved with someone else at the same time.

Your first statement is false. It's between her and her lamo boyfriend. If she likes the OP, why should he give a sh*t about some guy who's obviously not adequate for this girl?

Your second statement I agree with. She is a slutty ho for playing two guys at once.

Uh... No, my first statement is fvcking bullseye dead on. If you know someone has a siginifcant other, stay the fvck away if you've got feelings for them. It's only going to make the situation worse and by NOT staying away, you're encouraging her to be unfaithful which is, in my book, just as bad as being unfaithful.

You are WAY off. If your girl is into you then other guys coming onto her won't make ANY difference in your relationship - because she'll still want to be with you. I like it when guys come onto the girl that I'm with - then I can see what she's really made of.

Okay, put yourself in the boyfriend's shoes. What if this certain guy keeps persuing her when she's not interested? You don't find that douche-bag-ish?

Well now you're changing the story, aren't you? We're talking about both parties clearly being interested. It's a whole different ball game when someone DOESN'T want to be hit on.

The only thing that changes in that situation is the slut-level of the girlfriend. The guy's still an asshole. However, when she wants and invites it to happen, the girlfriend's slut-level increases exponentially.

 

[Gibson486]

Originally posted by: Jzero
Ethical? Hey, she went willingly. You didn't "steal" anything. It sucks to be in the other guy's shoes, but thems the breaks. FWIW I "stole" my wife from another guy. They were NOT in a long distance relationship. They had only been together about a month, but I "stole" her nonetheless.

What makes it even worse is that the three of us were all working on a project together. We considered each other to be "friends" (although we had only known each other for a couple of months). It was pretty hard because we had to work closely together for another week after they broke up, and it was no secret why they broke up. He was a really nice guy and never gave me any reason to plant a knife in his back, but I just could not allow myself to pass up the opportunity. I had been dating a different girl for over 2 years at the time, too!

I feel somewhat vindicated that I married the girl. At least the other guy knows that I didn't horn in on his girl just to be a jerk, grab some play and then toss her aside. We are even on friendly terms again.

Anyway, the bottom line is that there was no coercion. It's not like I held a gun to her head. In fact, I broke up with my girlfriend and said nothing about it to her. I didn't want her to feel like I broke up with my girlfriend and now she would have to follow suit. I let her find out on her own.

She's going to can the other guy eventually. If you don't reap the rewards, someone else will. She may dump you for another guy in 2 months, but that's the way it goes.

Dam, as much as i want to disagree with you, dam, i can't.

 

[DougK62]

Originally posted by: MaverickBP
seems your WAY off. even the strongest and most commited person has their breaking point. There's a word...its called regret. which means doing something and having realization of it later on. you ever yell at ur partner, and realize u didnt mean it? anyone in a emotional state can be taken advantage of especially if the op is telling her how she doesnt need that guy, and making himself seem like a knight in shining armor (not accusing u op just for relevance) shes gonna do what she "thinks" is appropriate. considering her emotional state shes not equipped to make such decisions and the op should realize that and back off.

If this is what you really think then I truly feel sorry for you. You've obviously never been with any quality women. :beer:

 

[NikPreviousAcct]

Originally posted by: Orsorum

Originally posted by: Nik
It's that very question of doubt that should ring loud and true in the OP's head. It's wrong and he knows it.

Orsorum, I've become one hell of a cold, hateful, spiteful, bitter bastard and I still know the difference between right and wrong. This is wrong and everyone knows it --well, that is, everyone who has any sense of morals or ethics.

I have a strong sense of morals and ethics, and I find it rather insulting that you make such a statement.

If he were hardcore pursuing her after she had signalled her disinterest, that would be one thing. But she has already made the choice to pursue him, she even made the first move. It is her responsibility to break off her other relationship and it is his responsibility to ask her to do so. Beyond that I couldn't care less what they do.

I didn't mean to insult you, but you have changed quite a bit. You've become way more liberal in a lot of your opinions. I'm not sure what happened, but it must have hurt like a bitch.

Anyway, it is of course her responsibility to break it off with him. However, because she hasn't yet, she's a slut. And because the OP KNOWS that she's currently involved with someone else, he's a knob gobble for persuing her. It's that simple.

 

[preslove]

BTW people. I haven't gotten into her pants yet. She hasn't "cheated" yet. So stop calling her a slut.

 

[MaverickBP]

the girl is she doesnt want to be in the relationship. THERE IS NO CAUSE FOR CHEATING. NO EXCUSE! biased opinion aside, if ur willing to throw away everything you got with that person and sleep with someone else, you dont need to be in that relationship so end it. if that person is not ending it that means they arent ready to end it yet, and they are keeping you on backup.


EDIT

bad grammer aside lol. and op not accusing you of sleeping with her

 

[NikPreviousAcct]

Originally posted by: preslove
BTW people. I haven't gotten into her pants yet. She hasn't "cheated" yet.

Physically, no. Emotionally, yes. The physical act is a decision that's already been made in the mind, just carried out. If she makes it to physical cheating, she's way past the point where the problem developed.

 

[PingSpike]

Originally posted by: preslove
BTW people. I haven't gotten into her pants yet. She hasn't "cheated" yet. So stop calling her a slut.

So its only cheating if you penetrate her vagina? Like technical virginity. You kissed her, she cheated. Lets not lie to ourselves shall we?

 

[MaverickBP]

Originally posted by: DougK62

Originally posted by: MaverickBP
seems your WAY off. even the strongest and most commited person has their breaking point. There's a word...its called regret. which means doing something and having realization of it later on. you ever yell at ur partner, and realize u didnt mean it? anyone in a emotional state can be taken advantage of especially if the op is telling her how she doesnt need that guy, and making himself seem like a knight in shining armor (not accusing u op just for relevance) shes gonna do what she "thinks" is appropriate. considering her emotional state shes not equipped to make such decisions and the op should realize that and back off.

If this is what you really think then I truly feel sorry for you. You've obviously never been with any quality women. :beer:

id like to hear your explanation on that because im lost. what i said is true..we're human so therefore vulnerable.

 

[VirtualLarry]

Originally posted by: Drakkon
ummm....your trying to steal another man's girl and trying to justify it? yeah your a jerk...let em sort things out before taking it any further...

Regarding that - I've seen similar sentiments expressed, always by guys, that aren't part of the actual relationship at hand. But at the same time, I've seen (and experienced) that sometimes, women are too insecure to make up their own minds, or at least be willing to make a strong statement, about dropping their current BF and spending more time with the "new guy." Yet they'll drop mad hints about disliking their current BF. It's like, they want you to make the move, and "steal" them away from their current BF, whom they are unhappy with, but in such a way that they don't have to go out on a limb in terms of responsibilities of dumping their "old" BF, and at the same time, they also don't want to potentially expose themselves to the possibility of having no current BF. For some women, they consider that a fate worse than death, apparently, and will be in a relationship with a guy, nearly any guy, only just to be in a relationship. (Seems kind of insecure to me, but I guess 99% of women are.)

So in truth, if the woman wants the switch to be made, then the new guy is a "jerk" for not making/letting it happen. The women will likely eventually break up with her current BF at some future point if she is unhappy with him, and then the "new guy" will have lost his only chance to be with the woman, because she won't want to talk to him again either.

 

[PingSpike]

Originally posted by: Nik

Originally posted by: DougK62

Originally posted by: Nik

Originally posted by: DougK62

Originally posted by: Nik

Originally posted by: Skoorb

You're a fvcking slimeball for doing anything other than just being a friend from a distance if you knew she had a boyfriend.

She's a worthless slutty whore for accepting your invitation while being involved with someone else at the same time.

Your first statement is false. It's between her and her lamo boyfriend. If she likes the OP, why should he give a sh*t about some guy who's obviously not adequate for this girl?

Your second statement I agree with. She is a slutty ho for playing two guys at once.

Uh... No, my first statement is fvcking bullseye dead on. If you know someone has a siginifcant other, stay the fvck away if you've got feelings for them. It's only going to make the situation worse and by NOT staying away, you're encouraging her to be unfaithful which is, in my book, just as bad as being unfaithful.

You are WAY off. If your girl is into you then other guys coming onto her won't make ANY difference in your relationship - because she'll still want to be with you. I like it when guys come onto the girl that I'm with - then I can see what she's really made of.

Okay, put yourself in the boyfriend's shoes. What if this certain guy keeps persuing her when she's not interested? You don't find that douche-bag-ish?

Well now you're changing the story, aren't you? We're talking about both parties clearly being interested. It's a whole different ball game when someone DOESN'T want to be hit on.

The only thing that changes in that situation is the slut-level of the girlfriend. The guy's still an asshole. However, when she wants and invites it to happen, the girlfriend's slut-level increases exponentially.

I'm curious, do you lock your girlfriend in the basement all day or make her wear one of those dresses with just an eyehole in it?

 

[dabuddha]

She's cheating on her man. Get ready to be cheated upon 🙂

 

[preslove]

Don't you guys think that the fact that he told her he loves her BY MAIL and after 3 years of friendship is pretty weird? One flaw in her that I see is that she accepted this instead of telling him he needs to grow up.

 

[PingSpike]

Originally posted by: MaverickBP

Originally posted by: DougK62

Originally posted by: MaverickBP
seems your WAY off. even the strongest and most commited person has their breaking point. There's a word...its called regret. which means doing something and having realization of it later on. you ever yell at ur partner, and realize u didnt mean it? anyone in a emotional state can be taken advantage of especially if the op is telling her how she doesnt need that guy, and making himself seem like a knight in shining armor (not accusing u op just for relevance) shes gonna do what she "thinks" is appropriate. considering her emotional state shes not equipped to make such decisions and the op should realize that and back off.

If this is what you really think then I truly feel sorry for you. You've obviously never been with any quality women. :beer:

id like to hear your explanation on that because im lost. what i said is true..we're human so therefore vulnerable.

He means you haven't met a woman that is that strong yet, so you don't think they exist.