I need some advice on a situation with my GF...

[Kaido]

Originally posted by: Hyperblaze

Originally posted by: Stefan

Originally posted by: Astaroth33

Originally posted by: Whisper
It's a relationship, not a debate. It's not really important who is "right," or who apologizes first, so long as you both realize that you messed up, and you both eventually say you're sorry. I'd recommend that you swallow your pride and get it over with. If this becomes a habit with her, then start to seriously examine things between you two. Otherwise, just move on.

Best advice in thread thus far.

Sounds to me like you both need to grow up.

The thing is, if I just give in all I'm doing is positively reinforcing this behaviour of hers. If I do that, it will just happen again because she knows if I "swallow my pride" she get's to "win".

and in which case....if that happens regularly in the future, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone like that?

Hmm, I think that'd put an end to ANY future relationships, ever...everybody acts childish and foolish at one point or another in any relationship.

Relationship communication is mostly about perception. To you, it was a simple change of plans. The results were the same, you get the car and take her shopping. To her, you broke a promise. She asked you a question from her point of view, you gave her a negative response, and things escalated from there. Human nature kicked in and things got difficult. Do you love her enough to apologize and move on, even though it may not have been your fault?

I've found this works well at work. People will come in all mad because there's a problem and an arguement will start with the workers. Even though it may not be my fault, it's easier just to say, hey, that's my fault, let me fix it. I'll spend five minutes fixing it, instead of 30 minutes getting mad and wasting time. Nobody thinks worse of me for accepting the blame; in fact, they like me better because I took the heat and I actually solved the problem. The problem goes away after it's fixed. If you can apply this to relationships you'll be ahead of the game. Can you even remember the last arguement you guys had about something? Last two arguements? Probably not...they just fade into oblivion. It seems important now, but it's probably not a really big deal, and it'll be forgotten within a week if you fix it now. Otherwise it'll start piling up.

If you can master understanding other people's perceptions, you'll have a real advantage. Also, if you can control your emotions, like not snapping back at something she asks, that's another good advantage (this won't work 100% of the time, because you'll be tired or stressed and slip up).

 

[Muadib]

Originally posted by: Hyperblaze

Originally posted by: Stefan
Can I say that I'm apologizing, not because I have to apologize first, but because I'm going to be the more mature person?

you are failing to see the point.

Do you even have a girl?

 

[moshquerade]

Originally posted by: shilala

Originally posted by: moshquerade

Originally posted by: shilala

Originally posted by: moshquerade

Originally posted by: shilala
Get used to it, son. It stays just like this forever.
You're not going to listen to this, but I'm going to tell you the secret to dealing with this situation...
Say "Yes, Dear". If the occasion comes to pass where "No, Dear" is more appropriate, stick with "Yes, Dear" unless you're goddam good and sure she wants you to say "No, Dear". Your answer is going to be wrong one way or another, so don't stress about it.
Once you've answered, she'll continue working your nerves until you want to twist her head off. Don't bother, she won't learn anything from it anyways.
If you can avoid walking 45 minutes home or talking to police officers you've won the fight. She may even admit she was wrong at some point in time. Don't believe it for a minute. She's still right in her head, and she'll remind you about it later.
If you want to put a swift and brutal end to the battle, throw out the "C" word. If that doesn't set her bawling and shut her up immediately, say something really mean about her mother. That should do the trick.
Welcome to the hell that is women. 😀

you call your woman a c***?

welcome to the hell that is shilala :shocked:

Did I say that?
As a matter of fact, I save that up. It's the dealbreaker. The queen mother. The "Piece de resitance".
She always has the same response, "Don't you ever call me a C***". I reply, "Then quit acting like one".
The argument is then over, we say our apologies and have filthy animal sex.
It's the oldest game in the world.
And yes, I am sheer unadulterated hell. She wouldn't have me any other way.

umm... yeh.... you forgot to add where you throw lamps and sh*t 😕

I don't throw anything. I don't hit, I don't break anything, and very, very seldomly do I raise my voice.
The wife smashes things, hits, chokes, questions my parentage and generally goes all out nutso.
It's a very uncommon occurrance but it always coincides with her bimonthly psycho rag. Her left ovary takes over her mind. The whole household knows it's coming four days before it happens.
We deal with it because we love her more than anything in the world.
It passes and we know we're safe for a good time to come.

dude, that is domestic violence.

 

[MustangSVT]

fvck her, fvck her mom, and fvck most of her hot friends..

hoes and bitches my friend,,, hoes and bitches..

 

[KarenMarie]

Originally posted by: Hyperblaze

Are you stating the fact that by being a female, you are therefore unreaonable? 😉

ps, i like the way your boyfriend does it. made me smile.

Absolutely...
there are times that I am unreasonable, unpredictable, moody... and sometimes a downright b!tch for no reason.
When I get like this, he usually says stuff like...

yes, dear, fine dear, ok dear....
yea, uh-huh.. sure... whatever... now stfu, ok?

and I usually will. Usually... if not, a fight ensues and... see above.
but there are times that he really gets on my nerves too, but not nearly as often. When this happens, I just tell him that I am not listening, so he should let me know when he says something I might care about.

But to be honest, we very rarely fight. Maybe once every 6 months of so. I think it is because we can openly say and accept when we are annoying each other.

🙂

 

[Kaido]

Originally posted by: Stefan
Can I say that I'm apologizing, not because I have to apologize first, but because I'm going to be the more mature person?

no no no no NO! you're still playing the twisted little argument game.

One trick I use for trying to understand someone else's view is to turn the situation around to me. Your current situation is, "hey honey, I'm sorry, and I'm apologizing first because I'm the more mature person." Turn that around to you. Pretend she's saying, "hey Stefan, I'm apologizing first because I'm the more mature person." That's bait...that's just asking for a comeback. Sometimes, we just have to suck it up and take the age-old advice: Be a man.

aka let it slide...apologize sincerely.

 

[Miramonti]

Originally posted by: Stefan
Can I say that I'm apologizing, not because I have to apologize first, but because I'm going to be the more mature person?

Thats a very immature way of handling an apology.

Imo you might have started it with the unnecessary language/attitude to begin with, even tho her presumption was erroneous. You may have taken something that was resolveable and made it personal, and you can't blame your own shortcomings on someone else.

Perhaps keep the long term in sight, that you both didn't and don't have an intentional goal of disrespecting each other, and that you both were stubborn and at fault, but that you both care about each other and love spending time together etc. There's no constructiveness for establishing who is more responsible, but instead get points for taking more responsibility for what you want in the relationship. Imo.

 

[suse920]

Originally posted by: Ketteringo
http://www.YAGT.org

ik

 

[Hyperblaze]

Originally posted by: Muadib

Originally posted by: Hyperblaze

Originally posted by: Stefan
Can I say that I'm apologizing, not because I have to apologize first, but because I'm going to be the more mature person?

you are failing to see the point.

Do you even have a girl?

you failed to see my meaning.

 

[The Stigenator]

she is around 20-23.. they are going to be irrational..

deal with it.

 

[Kaido]

Originally posted by: jjsole

Originally posted by: Stefan
Can I say that I'm apologizing, not because I have to apologize first, but because I'm going to be the more mature person?

Imo you might have started it with the unnecessary language/attitude to begin with, even tho her presumption was erroneous. You may have taken something that was resolveable and made it personal, and you can't blame your own shortcomings on someone else..

a-HAH! That's what I was looking for. Whenever you're communicating with somebody and they attack you like that (or you perceive it to be an attack, like, "why did you break your promise?"), don't take it personally! Like he said, her presumption was erroneous. By taking it personally, you got defensive and lashed back at her. By not taking it personally, you could have cleared up the errorenous presumption (well, possibly). But it's harder to help people see it your way if you're mad at them, because then they want to be mad at you back.

If you haven't fixed this within the first few hours after arguing, ask yourself is she's worth keeping. If she is, get off the forums RIGHT NOW and go buy her some flowers and go over to her house and apologize!

 

[Muadib]

Originally posted by: Hyperblaze

Originally posted by: Muadib

Originally posted by: Hyperblaze

Originally posted by: Stefan
Can I say that I'm apologizing, not because I have to apologize first, but because I'm going to be the more mature person?

you are failing to see the point.

Do you even have a girl?

you failed to see my meaning.

You failed to answer my question.

 

[Hyperblaze]

Originally posted by: Muadib

Originally posted by: Hyperblaze

Originally posted by: Muadib

Originally posted by: Hyperblaze

Originally posted by: Stefan
Can I say that I'm apologizing, not because I have to apologize first, but because I'm going to be the more mature person?

you are failing to see the point.

Do you even have a girl?

you failed to see my meaning.

You failed to answer my question.

Currently no. Doesn't mean I don't understand what's going on.

 

[Sunbird]

Originally posted by: Muadib

Originally posted by: Hyperblaze

Originally posted by: Muadib

Originally posted by: Hyperblaze

Originally posted by: Stefan
Can I say that I'm apologizing, not because I have to apologize first, but because I'm going to be the more mature person?

you are failing to see the point.

Do you even have a girl?

you failed to see my meaning.

You failed to answer my question.

The message is clear, you have both failed!!!

 

[Hyperblaze]

Originally posted by: Sunbird

Originally posted by: Muadib

Originally posted by: Hyperblaze

Originally posted by: Muadib

Originally posted by: Hyperblaze

Originally posted by: Stefan
Can I say that I'm apologizing, not because I have to apologize first, but because I'm going to be the more mature person?

you are failing to see the point.

Do you even have a girl?

you failed to see my meaning.

You failed to answer my question.

The message is clear, you have both failed!!!

you posted a few seconds too early dude 😀

 

[Sunbird]

too early??!!!??

 

[Hyperblaze]

Originally posted by: Sunbird
too early??!!!??

yup...i posted right before you did.

 

[Sunbird]

Doesn't that mean I posted too late, not too early?


*Brain hurts trying to figure out, after midnight here*

 

[Hyperblaze]

Originally posted by: Sunbird
Doesn't that mean I posted too late, not too early?

naaa...if you had posted a few seconds later...you would of had a higher probability of seeing my response, thereby not needing to post what you did.

 

[MmmSkyscraper]

Originally posted by: Kaido
Relationship communication is mostly about perception. To you, it was a simple change of plans. The results were the same, you get the car and take her shopping. To her, you broke a promise.

Yet he did no such thing. The OP said they could still go but they needed to catch a bus first. She said she had to wait til Monday then all of a sudden she decides he's breaking his promise? That's retarded. If he'd blown her off completely like hanging out with his friends instead or completely forgetting then yeah, she would have a valid reason for being pissed. But he didn't and she doesn't...

OP has nothing to apologise for, and if she can't take someone using the word 'hell' (oh noes!!!) in the heat of the moment then that's another reason to drop her like a stone. Let her catch the bus all the time til she finds someone else to piss off for no good reason.

 

[SchrodingersDog]

Originally posted by: Stefan

I am absolutely furious over this and have no intention of ever apologizing until she apologizes first, because she started it.

So who should apologize first?

I just glanced over the topic and read none of the replies, but out of curiosity are you an infant? Are you sure you're allowed to touch your big brother's computer?

 

[Kaido]

Originally posted by: MmmSkyscraper

Originally posted by: Kaido
Relationship communication is mostly about perception. To you, it was a simple change of plans. The results were the same, you get the car and take her shopping. To her, you broke a promise.

Yet he did no such thing. The OP said they could still go but they needed to catch a bus first.

No no, that's what I meant. I meant, the results were the same - they had to catch a bus, but the results were the same - they'd get the car and he'd take her shopping.

 

[BigToque]

Well not to leave you hanging, we fixed everything up, I took her and her friend to the bar, we hung out, dropped her friend off and then took care of my own business and just got home.