How to obtain salvation through Jesus

[GagHalfrunt]

Well, that makes some sense. If they were not real but they were really there, we'd call them bodacious tatas, not gods.

REALLY bodacious tatas come close to having the power of a god.

 

[SlitheryDee]

Well there are a lot of different opinions on this subject. There's no telling if yours is the truth, and don't give me that bs about how you "felt" god's approval, so you knew you were on the right path. You don't know if that came from god, or just from your own mind in it's desperate need for proof. All you really know is that you felt "good" about it. The problem is that for all you know I feel just as good when I choke the old chicken, yet I don't think any god is approving of that. The difference may only be that I lack your desperate need to attribute my strongest emotions to something outside myself. If I suddenly reach a new peak of glorious exultation today, my response would be "Damn, I didn't know I could feel that awesome"...It certainly wouldn't be "God must have sent me that experience". Whatever I feel is something that was in me to feel. Just because it may be greater than anything I've felt previous to that doesn't prove that it came from anywhere but myself.

 

[SMOGZINN]

Well, that makes some sense. If they were not real but they were really there, we'd call them bodacious tatas, not gods.

Bodacious Tatas is now my new god. I shall immediately create a graven image and worship at this alter!

 

[Gibsons]

The problem is that for all you know I feel just as good when I choke the old chicken, yet I don't think any god is approving of that.

How wrong you are.

And the FSM said play with thine noodly appendage.

Ramen.

 

[disappoint]

How to obtain salvation through Jesus:

Step 1: Profess belief in Jesus as your lord and savior.
Step 2: ...
Step 3: Profit!

 

[WelshBloke]

I realized this as a child without anyone to help me so I knelt beside a tree by myself and asked God to forgive me of my sins and save me.

 

[Cerpin Taxt]

How to obtain salvation through Jesus:

Step 1: Profess belief in Jesus as your lord and savior.
Step 2: ...
Step 3: Profit!

You forgot the part about believing in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead.

 

[disappoint]

You forgot the part about believing in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead.

I didn't find it significant to point out that God might be no more capable than a nurse with an AED.

 

[Cerpin Taxt]

I didn't find it significant to point out that God might be no more capable than a nurse with an AED.

Then one or both of two things are true:

1.) You don't know the bible (Rom 10:9)
2.) You don't understand logical conjunction

Now you know, and knowing is 50% of the conflict.

 

[Humpy]

WTF?

No where in this thread does it actually say how to obtain salvation through Jesus.

Lame.

 

[GagHalfrunt]

You forgot the part about believing in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead.

That's not even close to being necessary. The secret to a profitable religion is finding OTHER people that are gullible, you don't have to believe in fairy tales yourself.

 

[disappoint]

WTF?

No where in this thread does it actually say how to obtain salvation through Jesus.

Lame.

You must seek this knowledge from the ancient tree that looks like it has Bob Ross' hairstyle. We don't have much to go on as to it's whereabouts except that pic by Welshbloke.

 

[ultimatebob]

The best way to get on Jesus's good side nowadays is to mine JesusCoin cryptocurrency.

Then the rapture comes, that stack of $20 under your mattress won't be worth anything more then a bundle of kindling.

 

[Cerpin Taxt]

That's not even close to being necessary.

Saul of Tarsus begs to differ.

The secret to a profitable religion is finding OTHER people that are gullible, you don't have to believe in fairy tales yourself.

You seem to be answering a question that wasn't asked.

 

[sdifox]

WTF?

No where in this thread does it actually say how to obtain salvation through Jesus.

Lame.

Check with Jesus, I am the sole authorised Terran Salvation Kit distributor.

 

[BurnItDwn]

I sent a letter to Jesus yesterday after he called me 11 times when I was commuting home after work yesterday.

It said: Hi Jesus, I have approved your change request. Please next time just leave one voicemail, it is not necessary to keep calling over and over again when I am in traffic. I do not talk on the cell phone when I am driving.

 

[Stopsignhank]

WTF?

No where in this thread does it actually say how to obtain salvation through Jesus.

Lame.

 

[Einzige]

Personally I have no interest in Jesus's salivation. That is objectively gross.

 

[SMOGZINN]

Personally I have no interest in Jesus's salivation. That is objectively gross.

I'm fairly certain that concept of gross is by definition entirely subjective.

 

[nakedfrog]

I'm fairly certain that concept of gross is by definition entirely subjective.

You clearly have no idea to whom you are speaking.

 

[Azuma Hazuki]

When the guy doing the saving is the guy you're being saved from, that's not a gift; that's a racket. I am Italian enough to know a Mafia shakedown when I see one and that is what this is.

 

[GagHalfrunt]

WTF?

No where in this thread does it actually say how to obtain salvation through Jesus.

Lame.

Here's how you do it:

Legally speaking, silence implies consent. Ask Jesus if he wants you to stop what you're doing. Raise your arms to the sky and say something like:

"Jesus. I'm conflicted about murdering my neighbors and feeding their spleens to my pet hippo. I'm willing to abide by your decision on this. If you think it's wrong and want me to stop, just say so. If not, I'm going to assume you're cool with it and that I will be saved. Amen".

Then you're clear.

 

[Cerpin Taxt]

If you want to get the million dollars, you just have to kiss Hank's ass:

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'msure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the Desk of Karl

1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
   
   
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
   
   
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
   
   
4. Eat right.
   
   
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
   
   
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
   
   
7. Everything Hank says is right.
   
   
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
   
   
9. Don't use alcohol.
   
   
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
    
    
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.
    

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears. "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

 

[Einzige]

I'm fairly certain that concept of gross is by definition entirely subjective.

I agree. It's perfectly legitimate for a person to sit down to a plate of hot steamin' dookie.

 

[WelshBloke]

If you want to get the million dollars, you just have to kiss Hank's ass:

That's pretty good!

I agree. It's perfectly legitimate for a person to sit down to a plate of hot steamin' dookie.

Oh! That's who you are!