How do I get over a girl?

[TheoPetro]

sounds to me like shes usen your ass as backup. kinda like "if i cant find better ill just go back to him" type of thing. if you dont have the selfesteem to say "hey F that im not your contingency plan" and cut contact w/ her for a while (untill you get over her some) then be happy being her backup. be happy knowing she will do this again (she did it once why not). and be happy knowing that shes out there w/ other guys haveing fun and your sitting here playing pocketpool missing her.

my advice: get over her, get out and find some other girls (not in bars unless those are the kinda girls ya want), make SURE she knows your not her backup guy.

 

[clamum]

Update the OP with that pic man! hahahah

 

[necine]

She doesn't look that good... trust me. She has big boobies though.

 

[manlymatt83]

I think she's beautiful.

I'm not gonna geti nto this though cause I miss her and I don't wanna call her.

 

[alphatarget1]

You're not going to marry your 1st gf (words of wisdom from my old roommate)

You need to get over it. Go run, drink some beer, play football or something. Get some release and try not to think about her. Don't contact her at all, you'll appear weak.

 

[manlymatt83]

She isn't my first girlfriend. She's my sixth. I LOVE her, I know that. I was her first.

 

[Pepsi90919]

just added a pic

O RLY? put it in the OP, i'm not hunting for it.

 

[RichardE]

beer + sad country songs + porn FTW

 

[manlymatt83]

I didn't want to bump this thread but I have to. I've been trying to hide it but with all my YAMGT's maybe you guys can tell anyway...

I was all over her (as in, moving on!) until we talked a few weeks ago. Then we started talking all the time (she's still studying abroad, so my phone bill is ASTRONOMICAL!). Anyway, we got back together last Monday. She was all happy until this past Thursday, when I called her up and was like "I can't do this. I'm not happy.".... she asked me why, and I told her a couple reasons:

1) I believe that part of the reason she got back with me was because she was defaulting back to me (cause no one else was "there")
2) I don't believe she'll be able to stick up for me to her parents when she comes home.
3) Her doubts

She says she was just trying to keep things simple and getting back with me kept things simple, and made her happy. She was upset cause she said she hadn't stopped "talking about me all day". Then, today I called her, and she's like ... "I'm going away for a month out of phone contact except for $5/minute and I don't think we should talk anyway." ... I asked her once and for all how she is feeling lately..... she said:

1) Her feelings haven't changed.
2) She dreads telling her parents her and I were/are back together (if we were), only because she knows they will say "You can do better", "He hurt you", etc.
3) She doesn't know if I'm the one for her, but she has nothing to compare me to since I'm her first BF.
4) She doesn't know if I'm"good for her".
5) Yet her feelings haven't changed.

I then asked her if the reason she has these doubts is because of what happened last April (when her and I went on a "unofficial break which is debateable" and I kissed another girl. She says yes, she thinks it is, and she doesn't think she'd have these doubts if that and me blowing her off last September (the only reason I did that is because she wouldn't stick up for me) hadn't happened. So I guess this is my fault and I should just suck it up as such?

So now. I'm screwed again. I'm attached to her at the hip. She makes me so happy, and we dated for three years and were best friends and I don't see how we've made it to this point. Everyone on her end is against me. I'd do the whole "I'll let her go, because if its meant to be, she'll come back".... but I doubt she would, cause stuff like that never works out.... unless she does actually date someone else and we eventually get back together, which would be awesome... but :-( I dunno... I don't even know if she's the one for me, I just don't want her out of my life cause she's my best pal. That's what matters. This girl could "lose a boob", or have her hair cut off, or whatever ... and I would still care. I don't know why or how I would, but I would.....

We're supposed to talk tonight at 9:30. I guess I could say "I agree with you that maybe we should just go cold turkey, because this on and off up/down talking thing just doesn't work, and we've tried every alternate route".... but if I did that, I'd really have to push her out of my life... which means I'd have to delete her email account (she has an email account on my server which she hardly uses, but still uses it), and I'd have to delete our programs (I've written a couple custom apps for her and I to talk to each other while I'm at work, she's overseas, etc.).... otherwise I'd be too tempted to use them.

I met the girl from last night (see the active thread "YAMGT [ With Poll ]" about my friends' sister), but I don't even think I could do anything even if she is a good decent girl. And I really want to move out of South Jersey. That's another thing.... getting closer to my family (even though its closer to Heather) would make things a lot easier.

I know most people are going to reply to this (if they reply at all) with negatives, such as "get over her already", etc. I can't really ask for more advice. I guess I just wanted to spill. I wish I could snap my fingers and just be back to the way we were 6 months ago, before all the fighting started. I know we could be that way if given the opportunity, but she doesn't seem to let any "resets" occur.

I definitely don't think I should stay with her while she's gone for the month. I know the best thing to do is to be apart, and take the probable chance that she'll get over me and her won't want to be more than friends when she comes home (girls have a tendency to be like that in my opinion).... that's my biggest fear. I just have a feeling her feelings will change while mine stay where they are.

I dunno, maybe the best thing to say to her tonight is that I love her, her friendship and happiness is the most important thing to me, and to have fun on her trip. And just leave it like that.

ugh.





cliffs:

- girl and I got back together after she said she would change
- I got doubts about whether she would actually change, and told her I had to wait until May when she came home from studying abroad before I tried anything with her.
- She has second thoughts now and doesn't think we should talk when she goes away in a few days for a whole month. My fear is she'll move on and feelings will change, she agrees. I miss her.

 

[JDrake]

Originally posted by: Pepsi90919

just added a pic

O RLY? put it in the OP, i'm not hunting for it.

QFT

 

[Mo0o]

Stop playing games with her. Just end the relationship

 

[manlymatt83]

Originally posted by: Mo0o
Stop playing games with her. Just end the relationship

I'm not playing games with her at all. She's the one playing with my head. If she wanted to be with me wholeheartedly, I would do it no problem.

 

[imported_Condor]

Imagine yourself paying to put three kids through university while your sweetheart has gained another hundred pounds and smokes while serving cereal for breakfast and spends all of your extra earnings at Target for new nick naks that she refuses to dust and has for three years. Feel better now?

 

[manlymatt83]

Originally posted by: Condor
Imagine yourself paying to put three kids through university while your sweetheart has gained another hundred pounds and smokes while serving cereal for breakfast and spends all of your extra earnings at Target for new nick naks that she refuses to dust and has for three years. Feel better now?

wouldn't care. If it was her, I wouldn't care.

 

[JDrake]

Ergh.. picture doesn't work

 

[IGBT]

..life lessons. Life is full of em.

 

[necine]

Originally posted by: mjuszczak
necine.. go to work

lol, u first.

 

[KarenMarie]

I am not reading 7 pages of this thread to find out the whys and wheres, but why don't her parents like you?

 

[manlymatt83]

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
I am not reading 7 pages of this thread to find out the whys and wheres, but why don't her parents like you?

simple. They liked me until last April, when her and I went on a break and I kissed this girl while I was drunk. Could it be constituted as cheating? Yes. And I called her as soon as it happened and told her I was sorry. I spent the next few months gaining her trust again and we were back together and SHE WAS HAPPY. But she tells her parents EVERYTHING bad and nothing good, so even though I treated her well, she still only let them know about bad things (like if we had a fight, she would call them and tell them about it, but if I did something nice like surprise her in Connecticut on a train with flowers all dressed up (which I did, and it took me WEEKS of planning), she doesn't mention it to them at all). We've been long distance the entire relationship, and I've spent over $7000 on travel visiting her cause I went to see her all the time and she hardly came to see me. And she wonders why I got so frustrated. But all I ever wanted her to do was tell her parents good things, so they wouldn't hate me... but she can't do that, she can't get the guts too, I guess she's too close to them and afraid of what they'll say, etc. I'm her first boyfriend, and I know if I didn't do what I did to her last April, she would look back on our relationship and say "Wow... he was a great guy." ... cause I treated her really well. But since I did what I did (even though she did the SAME thing to me in December which is what brought us on our current break up), I guess maybe she won't look back on us as something great. She never used to say she didn't think I was the one for her... she used to just say she had doubts and wondered what else was out there. Just today was the first time (after we just broke up on Thursday because I couldn't trust that she had fully wanted me back) that she said that.

Yet she says her feelings haven't changed.

Anyway, that's the jist of why her parents don't like me. Because they don't know any of the good that I have done, and they know that I've "made her unhappy in the past", which they don't like.

I know that somehow, sometime in the future, I'll look back on this and laugh. But right now, this is critical. She's leaving this Thursday for a whole month and we won't be able to talk at all, and I don't know what to do. Should I get back with her while she's gone, and wait till she comes home in May and try things again, and if they fail, we break up, but this time for a real reason? Or should I stay apart from her while she's gone, but let her know I care, and wait until she comes home in May after we don't talk for 2 months, and see how she feels? The worse that can happen is I call her up and say "Listen, I still really care, and maybe you'd wanna hang out?"... the worse she could say is "My feelings have changed, sorry"... or "No." .... but in the end, at least she'll know I really cared... cause if I call her up after two months of not talking and let her know that, that'll show something.

 

[Mo0o]

Originally posted by: mjuszczak

Originally posted by: Mo0o
Stop playing games with her. Just end the relationship

I'm not playing games with her at all. She's the one playing with my head. If she wanted to be with me wholeheartedly, I would do it no problem.

What I'm saying is, you guys are doing this back and forth nonsense. If she truly wanted a relationship, she wouldn't do all this bs. And if you could actually see through her bs, you would see as of right now you're only her backup. She's over you, but she's too scared to fully let go. DOnt be that guy

 

[manlymatt83]

Originally posted by: Mo0o

Originally posted by: mjuszczak

Originally posted by: Mo0o
Stop playing games with her. Just end the relationship

I'm not playing games with her at all. She's the one playing with my head. If she wanted to be with me wholeheartedly, I would do it no problem.

What I'm saying is, you guys are doing this back and forth nonsense. If she truly wanted a relationship, she wouldn't do all this bs. And if you could actually see through her bs, you would see as of right now you're only her backup. She's over you, but she's too scared to fully let go. DOnt be that guy

So are you saying I should call her tonight, tell her that I don't want to hurt anymore, to enjoy her month away, and if she ever wants to talk, pick up the phone and call?

 

[RaistlinZ]

Originally posted by: mjuszczak

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
I am not reading 7 pages of this thread to find out the whys and wheres, but why don't her parents like you?

simple. They liked me until last April, when her and I went on a break and I kissed this girl while I was drunk. Could it be constituted as cheating? Yes. And I called her as soon as it happened and told her I was sorry. I spent the next few months gaining her trust again and we were back together and SHE WAS HAPPY. But she tells her parents EVERYTHING bad and nothing good, so even though I treated her well, she still only let them know about bad things (like if we had a fight, she would call them and tell them about it, but if I did something nice like surprise her in Connecticut on a train with flowers all dressed up (which I did, and it took me WEEKS of planning), she doesn't mention it to them at all). We've been long distance the entire relationship, and I've spent over $7000 on travel visiting her cause I went to see her all the time and she hardly came to see me. And she wonders why I got so frustrated. But all I ever wanted her to do was tell her parents good things, so they wouldn't hate me... but she can't do that, she can't get the guts too, I guess she's too close to them and afraid of what they'll say, etc. I'm her first boyfriend, and I know if I didn't do what I did to her last April, she would look back on our relationship and say "Wow... he was a great guy." ... cause I treated her really well. But since I did what I did (even though she did the SAME thing to me in December which is what brought us on our current break up), I guess maybe she won't look back on us as something great. She never used to say she didn't think I was the one for her... she used to just say she had doubts and wondered what else was out there. Just today was the first time (after we just broke up on Thursday because I couldn't trust that she had fully wanted me back) that she said that.

Yet she says her feelings haven't changed.

Anyway, that's the jist of why her parents don't like me. Because they don't know any of the good that I have done, and they know that I've "made her unhappy in the past", which they don't like.

I know that somehow, sometime in the future, I'll look back on this and laugh. But right now, this is critical. She's leaving this Thursday for a whole month and we won't be able to talk at all, and I don't know what to do. Should I get back with her while she's gone, and wait till she comes home in May and try things again, and if they fail, we break up, but this time for a real reason? Or should I stay apart from her while she's gone, but let her know I care, and wait until she comes home in May after we don't talk for 2 months, and see how she feels? The worse that can happen is I call her up and say "Listen, I still really care, and maybe you'd wanna hang out?"... the worse she could say is "My feelings have changed, sorry"... or "No." .... but in the end, at least she'll know I really cared... cause if I call her up after two months of not talking and let her know that, that'll show something.

She doesn't have the backbone to stand up for what she wants, and this isn't going to change if you two were going to consider getting married. It would only get worse. My advise is to just end the relationship flat out.

I don't mean "take a break"
I don't mean "see other people"
I don't mean "continue to be friends"

Completely end the relationship. There's no reason for you to be put through so much frustration and disappointment for a girl that doesn't know what she wants, and will not stick up for you at all. She doesn't even tell her parents all the good things you do for her! What the f*ck is that?!

Seriously, you need to give her an ultimatum to either stick up for you to her parents or move on with your lives. It will be better for both of you in the long run.

 

[manlymatt83]

Originally posted by: RaistlinZ

Originally posted by: mjuszczak

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
I am not reading 7 pages of this thread to find out the whys and wheres, but why don't her parents like you?

simple. They liked me until last April, when her and I went on a break and I kissed this girl while I was drunk. Could it be constituted as cheating? Yes. And I called her as soon as it happened and told her I was sorry. I spent the next few months gaining her trust again and we were back together and SHE WAS HAPPY. But she tells her parents EVERYTHING bad and nothing good, so even though I treated her well, she still only let them know about bad things (like if we had a fight, she would call them and tell them about it, but if I did something nice like surprise her in Connecticut on a train with flowers all dressed up (which I did, and it took me WEEKS of planning), she doesn't mention it to them at all). We've been long distance the entire relationship, and I've spent over $7000 on travel visiting her cause I went to see her all the time and she hardly came to see me. And she wonders why I got so frustrated. But all I ever wanted her to do was tell her parents good things, so they wouldn't hate me... but she can't do that, she can't get the guts too, I guess she's too close to them and afraid of what they'll say, etc. I'm her first boyfriend, and I know if I didn't do what I did to her last April, she would look back on our relationship and say "Wow... he was a great guy." ... cause I treated her really well. But since I did what I did (even though she did the SAME thing to me in December which is what brought us on our current break up), I guess maybe she won't look back on us as something great. She never used to say she didn't think I was the one for her... she used to just say she had doubts and wondered what else was out there. Just today was the first time (after we just broke up on Thursday because I couldn't trust that she had fully wanted me back) that she said that.

Yet she says her feelings haven't changed.

Anyway, that's the jist of why her parents don't like me. Because they don't know any of the good that I have done, and they know that I've "made her unhappy in the past", which they don't like.

I know that somehow, sometime in the future, I'll look back on this and laugh. But right now, this is critical. She's leaving this Thursday for a whole month and we won't be able to talk at all, and I don't know what to do. Should I get back with her while she's gone, and wait till she comes home in May and try things again, and if they fail, we break up, but this time for a real reason? Or should I stay apart from her while she's gone, but let her know I care, and wait until she comes home in May after we don't talk for 2 months, and see how she feels? The worse that can happen is I call her up and say "Listen, I still really care, and maybe you'd wanna hang out?"... the worse she could say is "My feelings have changed, sorry"... or "No." .... but in the end, at least she'll know I really cared... cause if I call her up after two months of not talking and let her know that, that'll show something.

She doesn't have the backbone to stand up for what she wants, and this isn't going to change if you two were going to consider getting married. It would only get worse. My advise is to just end the relationship flat out.

I don't mean "take a break"
I don't mean "see other people"
I don't mean "continue to be friends"

Completely end the relationship. There's no reason for you to be put through so much frustration and disappointment for a girl that doesn't know what she wants, and will not stick up for you at all. She doesn't even tell her parents all the good things you do for her! What the f*ck is that?!

Seriously, you need to give her an ultimatum to either stick up for you to her parents or move on with your lives. It will be better for both of you in the long run.

I've always justified this on the fact that, last April, when I "messed up", she told her parents about that the day it happened. Then she decided to give us another shot, and there were no other problems. BUT, because she had told her parents what happened, they hated me, and she wouldn't stick up for me anymore... so theoretically I caused this, but at the same time it was good to find out, because eventually her parents would have hated me anyway (they stop liking people if someone makes their daughter CRY, even if its just a simple fight ... they are like that).

So.... I've justified her actions on the fact that her parents have a right to not like me because of last April, HOWEVER, I've done SO many things to make her the number one thign in my life (and she knew that), but she never decided to fix that with her parents.

For instance, last September, a friend of mine needed a place to stay for a few weeks ... it was either my couch or the streets. I let her stay with me for a few weeks, but she is JUST a friend. My girlfriend got upset at that and told her parents that there was a girl living with me, which made them upset, but when she moved out, it took her two weeks to tell them she had moved out, even though she was so excited! .... in other words, at some points, she wouldn't take the little bit of effort to make things better... and she always had an excuse for why she didn't do it, like that time it was "I was too busy with school." She later admitted to me that it was because she was upset that I had joined a band and didn't have time to talk to her every night, so she was unhappy and therefore didn't want to tell them. It was a catch 22 though, because the reason I was unhappy was because she was not sticking up for me to them and made me feel like sh**!

I'm sorry, but she did what she did to me last december (she hooked up with a guy, like I did last April). I took her back, and forgave her (even though sometimes I ask her questions about it, it still upsets me, but she actually admits that she doesn't blame me because she did the same to me when I did it). But even though that happened, I STILL TELL MY PARENTS I CARE about her, NO problems. I told them today I'm upset and told them I'm coming to visit them. But I stick up for her. I tell them she makes me happy. They don't like it, but tough crap.

Why can't she do the same? I mean, did I do something wrong that made this terminally ill?

 

[KarenMarie]

Here is my take.

Let it go.

Here is why....

you cannot trust her. I dont mean just in the seeing someone else way. I mean that you cannot trust her to do what is best for your relationship. She puts her thoughts, feelings, wants and whims before what is good for the relationship and in a case like that, it will never work. i skimmed thru this thread and i think... You are apart for a reason and in my opinion this is just more trouble than it is worth.

i would not call her at all. just not even pick up the phone. if she wants you, she knows where to find you. and if she doesnt.... her silence will speak volumes.

you need to be with someone who respects and cherishes you. she does not do that, from what i am reading.

as far as the parents thing goes... i will offer you this.

first of all, if any guy ever cheated on my daughter... he would never eat with his own teeth again. i would ensure that. but... i dont have a daughter who would ever go back to someone who cheated. Next i will tell you that the ONLY thing VeggieFrog and i ever disagreed on was her b/f. he was a good kid when they met, but i thought she deserved so much more. she saw something in him and i thought that was fine... for someone else's daughter. But in the end... it was the ONLY thing she ever stood up to me about. And she was on the verge of losing EVERYTHING... and she stood firm for him. Which made me take a second look and be patient. It really worked out for them. She was right and I was wrong and I let him know that.

My point is that if she is not willing to do the same for you... you need to be with someone who will think you important enough to.

It seems to me that this girl is confused. if she is concerned that she has not been around enough... she will never be satisfied with you and i can almost guarantee that you are gonna break up again anyway.

Dont put yourself thru it for a second longer than you need it. Let it go and move on. Let her do the assbusting if she wants it. Doesnt seem to me like she does though.

 

[AccruedExpenditure]

Coming here for advice was your first mistake. You're going to feel whatever you feel regardless of what we say on a forum.

That said... hang out with friends, don't drink and drive.