How can shy people meet friends?

[dderidex]

Originally posted by: dullard
Yes women can be like that.

Indeed, if something ever did happen to my wife, or we seperated or divorced, you could not PAY me to get into another relationship. They are NOT worth the trouble. (OTOH, it's not awful enough at all that I'd want to end our current relationship...but it's not something I'd seek out again).

As another thought....have you thought about pets? If you are just worried that being home alone would get to you, a couple cats or dogs will solve that problem. I mean, the rest of my suggestions you need to do, too:
* Join a gaming group
* Pick up a part time job at a bookstore (or coffee shop)
* Take a laptop to a WiFi-enabled coffee shop and post from their one night a week

Just...get a couple pets, too.

You may find "the bachelor's life" suits you.

As to the depression...well, there are two surefire fixes for that:
* Exercise. Lots and lots of exercise. If you don't have a mountain bike, BUY ONE.
* Check your diet. Fast food and 'meat and potatoes' = very, very bad. Meat, fruits and green veggies = good.

Try shopping at organic food stores, too. Again, change to meet people where you already have a common interest (organic/healthy living).

 

[DeeKnow]

Originally posted by: acemcmac
I really hate to be blunt, but you need to hear this:

Get your pee-pee out of your mouth and be bold, brash and brasin. Stick your kneck out, you have nothing to loose.

well, since you started the bluntness, i'd say.... bad advice.

you need to stick your pee pee back in your mouth and go give advice to your dog or something

(your spelling sucks too)

 

[Vinney]

i want to hear a plan of action from you. we've all suggested a bunch of things, so since you asked for advice, what are you going to do with it?

 

[Philippine Mango]

I'm surprised that you hitched a girl if your a shy guy. Because my biggest fear is having nothing to talk about and with being more than 1 person, you don't have to be the only one talking. I find talking to mulitple people at once or at least hanging out with more people is a lot easier then being with one person. What is there to worry about when being with mulitple people? It doesn't have to be a crowd, work your courage up and then maybe you will be able to go to a party or something. It seems you've never had any real bad situations socially so why not charge ahead blind and see what happens. Just talk to some of your co-workers and instead of "planning something for saturday night" where you could easily just ditch them (not go), you go do something right after work. Like any sports? Go to a game, even if sports isn't your thing, I'm sure you could get "some" enjoyment with going to a game with the guys. Maybe an autoshow? Once you got those, maybe you could try a small party like a B-day party. If people like you at your office and you haven't been really made fun of in life or anything like that, then just try it and see what happens. More likely then not, you will be able to proceed in your social life.

Plan your weekends even if nothing is setup, so for example it's thursday and you hope to do something on friday, get tickets to something like a movie at least so that your obligated to go and not just blow it off. You mention things that are good ideas and then you don't act on them, so instead just FORCE your self to go or atleast get your wife to get you tickets to something for the guys.

 

[dullard]

Originally posted by: flexy
" I have to overanalyze "....and why ? Because you think you have to be perfect, because you think OTHERS are perfect - while you (allegedly) are not. And thats where your big mistake is.

Seems like most people with social anxiety are perfectionists. I certainly am a borderline perfectionist.

Originally posted by: dderidex
Just...get a couple pets, too.

Got two wonderful cats. They certainly help.

As for exercise, I did pretty much give that up 6 years ago. I used to be in track and cross country. But school and wife got in the way. I keep meaning to start up again. Maybe this is my time to actually do it.

That said, doing 30+ minutes of latin dancing or fast swing in a row is a very good aerobic exercise.

 

[Looney]

Originally posted by: dullard

Originally posted by: flexy
" I have to overanalyze "....and why ? Because you think you have to be perfect, because you think OTHERS are perfect - while you (allegedly) are not. And thats where your big mistake is.

Seems like most people with social anxiety are perfectionists. I certainly am a borderline perfectionist.

Perfectionist is the results of it... i think the cause is fear of being criticized.

 

[Goosemaster]

Originally posted by: dullard
My needs:
I need to be able to meet a friend, be able to actually phone him/her to ask to do something, and to be able to follow through and do it. Does anyone here have advice?

My disorder:
I'm self-diagnosed with social anxiety. I have several symptoms but the ones which affect me the most are:
1) Inability to speak when there are more than 3-4 people in the room. I have to overanalyze everything I say to make certain I won't be made fun of again. By the time I've gone over the sentence several times the subject has changed and I'd be an idiot to finally say my witty remark.
2) Inability to use the phone. I'm terrified of even ordering a pizza and my mind goes blank when trying to say anything.
3) Inability to ask others do to things with/for me. I'll gladly help anyone, anywhere but I just can't bring myself to ask for help (in person that is, I'm fine with forums).
4) Inability to have attention on me (public speaking, acting wild, etc).
Specific examples listed here if you scroll to the 6th post.

Background
I had a lonely childhood and few friends. I'm satisfied with 1 or 2 friends and certainly don't want more (otherwise I get into situations where there are more than 3-4 people in the room). I was never very happy even though I succeeded in many areas.

That is, until I met my wife. I've known her for 10.5 years. She is far better than I could have ever expected in many areas (tallent, intelligence, and beauty to name a few). Never in a million years would I have thought anyone like that would talk to me, let alone want to date me. I've had all of the happiest moments in my life with her. I was so happy that I nearly overcame my disorder. Whenever I was with her I could do almost anything (except speak in a crowd). We had friends, went out, etc. We both were very happy. Everything was wonderful. Of course, there is a big problem that developed though.

I pretty much have used her as a crutch. With her, I can do things I want to do and have fun. Without her I'm a worthless lump. This fact been dragging on her. Over the past year she has pretty much pulled away 100% from me. She doesn't want to do anything with me anymore. After a heated discussion the last few days, I'm pretty sure a separation is inevitable and most likely a divorce. The biggest thing she wants from me is to have friends on my own (so she won't feel guilty spending 100% of her free time with other people instead of me).

So I need friends.

Without my wife, I cannot enter a social situation. I'm terrified of bars or other similar places, horrified at the thought of meeting people, and have nothing to say when I do. They get bored with me and move on with their life. I end up a wall flower all alone. That's the worst feeling in the world to me - to be lonely in a crowded room.

Even my work friends that I have seem to enjoy being around me. But I'm too terrified to call them to do something. When I ask if they want to go out after work sometime, I get the response "that sounds great". Weeks pass and nothing happens. I'd bore them to death if we went out.

Any advice?

Find a way to help people that will also help themselves.

Join Habitat for humanity. It isn;t bullsh!t liek tellign yourself that you are goign to work at the homeless shelter where everyone there gives a rats ass who you are. I am quite shy myself and exhibit many of those traits, which in fact, I find quite normal.

Still, your anxiety and shyness will melt away when you see the people that are working along side you for free to help build someone's help. When the recipient, who has to be on the job EVERY SINGLE day to get the house, comes and hugs you, you will feel like a king.


If you do nothing, when you die, no one will give a fvk who you were. That's how I live my life. I am earning my rememberance

 

[Buck Armstrong]

Originally posted by: dullard
My needs:
I need to be able to meet a friend, be able to actually phone him/her to ask to do something, and to be able to follow through and do it. Does anyone here have advice?

My disorder:
I'm self-diagnosed with social anxiety. I have several symptoms but the ones which affect me the most are:
1) Inability to speak when there are more than 3-4 people in the room. I have to overanalyze everything I say to make certain I won't be made fun of again. By the time I've gone over the sentence several times the subject has changed and I'd be an idiot to finally say my witty remark.
2) Inability to use the phone. I'm terrified of even ordering a pizza and my mind goes blank when trying to say anything.
3) Inability to ask others do to things with/for me. I'll gladly help anyone, anywhere but I just can't bring myself to ask for help (in person that is, I'm fine with forums).
4) Inability to have attention on me (public speaking, acting wild, etc).
Specific examples listed here if you scroll to the 6th post.

Background
I had a lonely childhood and few friends. I'm satisfied with 1 or 2 friends and certainly don't want more (otherwise I get into situations where there are more than 3-4 people in the room). I was never very happy even though I succeeded in many areas.

That is, until I met my wife. I've known her for 10.5 years. She is far better than I could have ever expected in many areas (tallent, intelligence, and beauty to name a few). Never in a million years would I have thought anyone like that would talk to me, let alone want to date me. I've had all of the happiest moments in my life with her. I was so happy that I nearly overcame my disorder. Whenever I was with her I could do almost anything (except speak in a crowd). We had friends, went out, etc. We both were very happy. Everything was wonderful. Of course, there is a big problem that developed though.

I pretty much have used her as a crutch. With her, I can do things I want to do and have fun. Without her I'm a worthless lump. This fact been dragging on her. Over the past year she has pretty much pulled away 100% from me. She doesn't want to do anything with me anymore. After a heated discussion the last few days, I'm pretty sure a separation is inevitable and most likely a divorce. The biggest thing she wants from me is to have friends on my own (so she won't feel guilty spending 100% of her free time with other people instead of me).

So I need friends.

Without my wife, I cannot enter a social situation. I'm terrified of bars or other similar places, horrified at the thought of meeting people, and have nothing to say when I do. They get bored with me and move on with their life. I end up a wall flower all alone. That's the worst feeling in the world to me - to be lonely in a crowded room.

Even my work friends that I have seem to enjoy being around me. But I'm too terrified to call them to do something. When I ask if they want to go out after work sometime, I get the response "that sounds great". Weeks pass and nothing happens. I'd bore them to death if we went out.

Any advice?

One word: Xanex.

 

[Goosemaster]

BTW, in case you haven;t read, my irressponsible and downright lame father called and wished me a happy birthday...too bad he was off by 4 months:|

Things like this happen, and you really shouldn't expect to get rid of them anytime soon.

I say fvk it. Go into life charging like an OX. Don't let what other people think define who you are. You know and I knwo that this "fearing other people" sh!t is BS. I was actually mushc worse off than you in terms of what I was diagonsed with. In the end, it was all derived from the sick-and twisted tought process that I developed while stuck at home.

Sorry, I am just pissed off right now:|

 

[aidanjm]

Originally posted by: dullard
My needs:
I need to be able to meet a friend, be able to actually phone him/her to ask to do something, and to be able to follow through and do it. Does anyone here have advice?

My disorder:
I'm self-diagnosed with social anxiety. I have several symptoms but the ones which affect me the most are:
1) Inability to speak when there are more than 3-4 people in the room. I have to overanalyze everything I say to make certain I won't be made fun of again. By the time I've gone over the sentence several times the subject has changed and I'd be an idiot to finally say my witty remark.
2) Inability to use the phone. I'm terrified of even ordering a pizza and my mind goes blank when trying to say anything.
3) Inability to ask others do to things with/for me. I'll gladly help anyone, anywhere but I just can't bring myself to ask for help (in person that is, I'm fine with forums).
4) Inability to have attention on me (public speaking, acting wild, etc).
Specific examples listed here if you scroll to the 6th post.

Background
I had a lonely childhood and few friends. I'm satisfied with 1 or 2 friends and certainly don't want more (otherwise I get into situations where there are more than 3-4 people in the room). I was never very happy even though I succeeded in many areas.

That is, until I met my wife. I've known her for 10.5 years. She is far better than I could have ever expected in many areas (tallent, intelligence, and beauty to name a few). Never in a million years would I have thought anyone like that would talk to me, let alone want to date me. I've had all of the happiest moments in my life with her. I was so happy that I nearly overcame my disorder. Whenever I was with her I could do almost anything (except speak in a crowd). We had friends, went out, etc. We both were very happy. Everything was wonderful. Of course, there is a big problem that developed though.

I pretty much have used her as a crutch. With her, I can do things I want to do and have fun. Without her I'm a worthless lump. This fact been dragging on her. Over the past year she has pretty much pulled away 100% from me. She doesn't want to do anything with me anymore. After a heated discussion the last few days, I'm pretty sure a separation is inevitable and most likely a divorce. The biggest thing she wants from me is to have friends on my own (so she won't feel guilty spending 100% of her free time with other people instead of me).

So I need friends.

Without my wife, I cannot enter a social situation. I'm terrified of bars or other similar places, horrified at the thought of meeting people, and have nothing to say when I do. They get bored with me and move on with their life. I end up a wall flower all alone. That's the worst feeling in the world to me - to be lonely in a crowded room.

Even my work friends that I have seem to enjoy being around me. But I'm too terrified to call them to do something. When I ask if they want to go out after work sometime, I get the response "that sounds great". Weeks pass and nothing happens. I'd bore them to death if we went out.

Any advice?

It does sound like you have all the classic symtpoms of social phobia/ anxiety. Would you consider seeing a professional for assistance? I'd say go to a licensed, registered (with the APA) psychologist, who will be trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which is the prefered approach for dealing with social phobia. If you go to a psychiatrist or your GP, they will probably end up prescribing you with SSRI medication (prozac, luvox, zoloft, etc.) They are typically used to treat depression, but they are also used with social phobia. I don't think they are a realistic, long-term solution for social phobia, tho. And they have all sorts of side effects. People seem to have better long term results by addressing their dysfunctional thinking patterns. It's pretty clear you have some self-esteem issues, too - that's obvious from the screen-name you've chosen for anandtech. Maybe you should email the mods to change your user-name to something a bit more positive, as a first step to reclaiming your self-worth.

I think shy people do better in a more structured social environment. For example, a reading group or book club, where there is an agenda to follow (e.g., you have a group leader, who leads a discussion on the book you've all just read) and you're not just standing around staring at the floor. I also think shy people do better if the social situation is sort of organised around a common interest, e.g., like computers or cars or whatever. So maybe think about joining some clubs or groups dedicated to your particular interests? You could also see if there are any support groups in your area for people with social anxiety/ social phobia.

There are some good books on social phobia and/ or depression. Lots of psychologists seem to recommend "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It's written for people with depression, but the basic approach it takes is applicable to social anxiety. It's basically an outline of the coginitive behavioral therapy approach, with lots of exercises for you to do.

Do you ever go off on your own and give your wife some time to herself? I'm sure she loves you, but she might just really need some time for herself. Come to think of it, how come you are giving up on this relationship so quickly? You seem to be taking a very fatalistic approach. Why? Marriage counselling could be interesting for you, I'd guess the counsellor would help you and your wife clarify what the issues are. It sounds like she wants you to become more independent. You seem to be reacting negatively to that. But she is probably right, it probably would improve the quality of your relationship, and both your lives, if you did develop some social independence. You acknowledge yourself you've used your wife as a crutch, and that has allowed your social development to remain stunted.

 

[dullard]

Originally posted by: Vinney
i want to hear a plan of action from you. we've all suggested a bunch of things, so since you asked for advice, what are you going to do with it?

Missed this earlier. I'll think about it overnight. Right now, I just PMed someone this:

I really like just college football and Olympics. Maybe a few odd sports now and then, but not too much. I have a coworker who loves sports and we get along quite well. I thought long and hard about trying to invite him to watch the national championship college game. I just couldn't find the courage.

I just get all caught up in worring that he might already have plans, that his wife might want to be with him, that I won't know what to wear, etc. Stupid I know. But it plagues me.

I don't like the NFL, but maybe now is the time to find the courage and ask him to watch the super bowl with me. I've never seen one before (well not more than 10 minutes of one).

 

[dullard]

Originally posted by: Goosemaster
BTW, in case you haven;t read, my irressponsible and downright lame father called and wished me a happy birthday...too bad he was off by 4 months:|

Read that thread but I didn't have anything useful to say (I don't reply to most threads). I hope things work out for you.

 

[TallBill]

You only have something to lose if you dont go try to meet people somehow. Theres nobody at work or anyone? Do something with an acquaintance, and have them bring friends. Perhaps you'll bump into someone new. I started going out with my girl because I started talking to her while she was working at Blockbuster. Eventually I asked her out. Theres gotta be someone somwhere you frequent that you can just catch a movie with or something.

 

[iliopsoas]

If you still love and care about your wife, I think you should sit down and have a serious conversation with her. Express to her how you feel and consider marriage counseling. Tell her that you are trying to better yourself and follow through on those plans. If your wife doesn't love you anymore, then it's time to move on.

 

[James3shin]

hey dullard, do you play any games online like MMORPGs and the like? Maybe those are somewhat decent starting points when you have free time?

 

[aidanjm]

Originally posted by: dullard
Even my work friends that I have seem to enjoy being around me. But I'm too terrified to call them to do something. When I ask if they want to go out after work sometime, I get the response "that sounds great". Weeks pass and nothing happens. I'd bore them to death if we went out.

Maybe you need to be a little bit more proactive. You're waiting for them to call you. Instead of "do you want to go out some time" ask "do you want to go for a beer after work *today*"... i.e., establish a specific day + time. What do hetero men do for fun social activities? Don't they go to sports matches and such sh1t? Or play golf? I guess it would depend on the person you are wanting to hang out with. What are their interests? Do you share common interests?

 

[Howard]

I don't have much advice to offer, but I know how it feels (I have a very slight social phobia - it used to be more severe). Things'll get better.

 

[thomsbrain]

Originally posted by: biostud
Sounds familiar

 

[dullard]

Originally posted by: aidanjm
Would you consider seeing a professional for assistance?

Its difficult for me to do. But yes I went to one once about a year ago when these problems surfaced for marriage councelling. It was at the university health center (ie free). Probably not the best source for help. I was extremely disappointed in the lack of support I got and I gave up.

Do you ever go off on your own and give your wife some time to herself? I'm sure she loves you, but she might just really need some time for herself. Come to think of it, how come you are giving up on this relationship so quickly? You seem to be taking a very fatalistic approach. Why?

I am a pessimist/engineer at heart. Optimist: the glass is half full. Pessimist: the glass is half empty. Engineer: the glass is 30% larger than it needs to be after you take into account allowances to ensure the water doesn't spill when carried. So yes, I am negative at times.

I love to have time to myself. I love to sit down for hours with a good computer game or just to watch football. She has all the time she needs to go off on her own. But she feels guilty doing it and wants me to be off with other people too instead of being where I really want to be: at home.

 

[Goosemaster]

Dullard. Let's start with an easy psychological challenge excercise that you amy or may not find easy.

Start a new thread with a joke of your choosing.

Then come back here and discuss the feedback yo uget

or IM me

my AOL screenname is "el goosemaster"

and my MSN messenger id is "ogoogle@comcast.net"

 

[aidanjm]

Originally posted by: dullard

Originally posted by: lobadobadingdong
seek professional guidence (someone not on the internet ) from a certified councelor, straiten things out with your wife(with counceling).

Worthless in my experience. I tried that about a year ago when things started deteriorating. They all say the same thing. They aren't there to give advice. I need advice.

What are social situations where I could go that I might not be thinking of?

I live in Nebraska.

What are your interests?

 

[dullard]

Originally posted by: James3shin
hey dullard, do you play any games online like MMORPGs and the like? Maybe those are somewhat decent starting points when you have free time?

I used to be quite addicted to MUDs. Then I was addicted to Quake (I was probably better than 99% of the other players, but still a notch below the top players in the world). Then I left the college dorms and don't have high speed internet. Now, I only go online at work (I skip the lunch break or while waiting for an experiment to end). I'm there now (alone of course on the weekend) to give my wife time to think.

 

[TheLonelyPhoenix]

Originally posted by: James3shin
hey dullard, do you play any games online like MMORPGs and the like? Maybe those are somewhat decent starting points when you have free time?

I think by virtue of the fact he posts here, he doesn't have a problem with virtual communication. Its real face-to-face social situations that are the problem.

 

[aidanjm]

Originally posted by: dullard

Originally posted by: HardcoreRobot
you are a teacher right? time to institute that A for "effort" program

I forced myself to teach one college course. It was my effort to improve public speaking ability. By the end of week 2 of the class, I had no fear of that class. But other public speaking has still proven difficult.

Join toastmasters. it's an international public speaking group. the aim of the organisation is for people to overcome their fear of public speaking. they have chapters all around the world. lots of people who go there are terrified of public speaking initially, but eventually end up speaking in public like a pro.

 

[dullard]

Originally posted by: Goosemaster
Start a new thread with a joke of your choosing.

My favorite joke. Crude yes, but so is my sense of humor.

I've never use any instant messanger. PM me here if you wish.