How can shy people meet friends?

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Looney

Lifer
Jun 13, 2000
21,938
5
0
As well intentioned as most people are in this thread, social anxiety is a disorder, and won't be cured by words or advice. He knows it's irrational, and when he's placed in a situation where it triggers the anxiety, his limbic system hijacks his rational thinking and he's put in a fight or flight state. It's like telling somebody who's afraid of heights, and telling him to walk across a tall bridge... thousands of others walked before him without falling, and he knows that, but it doesn't make the fear go away. It's IRRATIONAL, and they know it is.

The thing with social anxiety is that it's HIGHLY treatable... infact it's one of the most successfully treated mental disorders out there (both through drugs and cognitive/behavioral therapy). You'd be amazed at all the celebrities with social anxiety and were able to overcome it (http://www.anxietysecrets.com/celebrities.htm)
 

GiLtY

Golden Member
Sep 10, 2000
1,487
1
0
I'm sorry to hear that dullard. I say start doing community services, it is a great way to meet people, and they are always friendly.

Good luck :)

--GiLtY
 

James3shin

Diamond Member
Apr 5, 2004
4,426
0
76
hmmm, quite talented with the tools are you? You ever make furniture or something when you have free time? As for her accusing you of being like your father, its usually just good to say "sorry if i am, if im doing it, its unintentional." "Sorry" goes a looong way.
 

Vinney

Member
Mar 6, 2003
80
0
0
how old is your wife and how old was she when you two got married? maybe i'm wrong but it almost sounds a little like she wants to "be free" to do other things and explore other things in her life .. hence being bothered by your dad and her feeling like you want to "trap" her .. that might have more to do with her issues than anything else... i also feel like that's the case based on her "i'm going dancing" responses
 

Koing

Elite Member <br> Super Moderator<br> Health and F
Oct 11, 2000
16,843
2
0
Dude if you were any near me I'd go out and make you more socialable.

You just need some 'close' friends. Friends that you can trust to be with you through thick and thin. The ones that step up to the plate when others leave. Then your pretty dam sure of yourself with your mates about.

Do you work out? I'd recommend that. If not do you do a martial art? If not I'd recommend that. You dont' have to talk much in that but you are doing something active. People at martial arts club are often friendly and very welcoming.

You should grow to talk about stuff with them.

DO NOT GIVE up on the wife. 10.5yrs and you guys break now up? No way imo.

Good luck.

Koing
 

AreaCode707

Lifer
Sep 21, 2001
18,447
133
106
Where do you live?

What if you tried volunteering in some areas where you could be in one-on-one situations. A child mentorship program maybe. You could take some lonely kid out to play basketball, help them study, etc. It's one on one interaction that may start to boost your confidence, you'd be helping somebody out, and your wife would have some time to go do things on her own. Volunteer at a library, helping to reshelve books. You get to know the library staff in a casual non-pressure environment and can form friendships there. Go to an animal shelter and take the dogs for walks - they always welcome help, you have some low-key social interaction, and you can always say something nice about the dogs if you're at a loss for words.

It sounds like you have less trouble with your social anxiety when you have a focus, so volunteering may provide a great way for you to focus on something, have a conversation topic, and get to know some potential friends one on one, or one on two.
 

Looney

Lifer
Jun 13, 2000
21,938
5
0
Originally posted by: TheLonelyPhoenix
Originally posted by: Hardcore
Almost all medications out there have side-effects... and you'll find as many people loving Paxil as people hating it. Can the side-effects be bad? Yes, in the 1% of so cases, it can be. But it sounds like he's in a pretty bad state himself, and it doesn't take long to know how the side-effects are... usually within 2 weeks you'll know. Infact, most of the gripes people have about is is the withdrawal, but the slow-release versions and properly tappering off of it almost elminate this problem.

These meds have had severe effects on everyone I've known who has taken them, and most like far more than 1% of the total test population. Severe effects on their ability to focus, and almost a zombie-like haze during their daily functioning - its certainly possible that he wont suffer these effects so badly, but it would still be in his best interests to face these issues as much as possible without them.

Were these 'everyone' you know on Paxil/Zoloft? Because if they were on a proper dose, they shouldn't be 'zombie-like haze' lol. Unless you're mistaken these for anti-depressants.
 

dullard

Elite Member
May 21, 2001
26,192
4,860
126
Originally posted by: Vinney
how old is your wife and how old was she when you two got married? maybe i'm wrong but it almost sounds a little like she wants to "be free" to do other things and explore other things in her life
That certainly is part of it. But honestly, she is free to come and go and do things as she pleases. The problem came when she never came back to me. Over 10 years, this happens to everyone's relationship. You need some free time to yourself. It may be a minute, or a month. But sucessful relationships come back. It started as an innocent going out with friends, but its a year now and she hasn't come back (still lives with me, etc, but mentally she hasn't come back).

We met when she was 15, married at 20, and now she's 25.

 

Koing

Elite Member <br> Super Moderator<br> Health and F
Oct 11, 2000
16,843
2
0
Originally posted by: dullard
Originally posted by: Vinney
forgive me for being slow but you never actually say (i don't think) that your wife was leaving you because of your disorder - is that the case or is that just a factor? .. i know that's not really relevant to the topic, but i was just curious.
Two reasons are all that I can determine: (1) is the shyness, (2) is my dad. My wife came from a loving but unintrusive family. They didn't care what she did or if she succeeded. My dad cares about that. He wants us to succeed and have lots of talents. I rarely speak to my family and I feel no pressure. But she isn't used to that. Having a father-in-law that actively asks what classes she takes in college really bothered her. She felt it was way too much pressure and way too controlling.

My dad is quite sexist too (I'm the opposite). But my wife can't shake the feeling that I want her to fail at her career and be a housewife. It can't be further from the truth. I pretty much renovated her building for her studio (walls, new wood floor, etc). I've helped with any policies/pricing/etc that she wants. I actively tell everyone I know about it and encourage them to go to her studio. Yet all along she sees me as my dad. That I'm against her working. Trust in that area has dwindled to zero. She says my actions speak louder than my words. I see a tile in the ceiling is water stained and replace it so that her customers will walk in and be impressed. She sees me as picking on her stuidos flaws and making her an idiot for not noticing the stain. I'm working on this issue too - but that is really getting off subject.

Man that is crazy.

Just mention to her the things you see and talk to her. If she wants you to fix it. That is a tough situation dullard.

Always fight for it. 10yrs and counting is worth it.

Good luck.

Koing

 

dullard

Elite Member
May 21, 2001
26,192
4,860
126
Originally posted by: HotChic
Where do you live?
Nebraska. A wonderful place for piece and quiet. But no, there aren't live bands that come through or Broadway shows (not that I ever would attend those types of things).

Thanks for the other suggestions though. I'll think about them. My wife volunteers at a hospital museum. She claims it to be very boring. But maybe I can find some weekend volunteering that is a bit more exciting.
 

Looney

Lifer
Jun 13, 2000
21,938
5
0
Originally posted by: dullard
Originally posted by: Vinney
how old is your wife and how old was she when you two got married? maybe i'm wrong but it almost sounds a little like she wants to "be free" to do other things and explore other things in her life
That certainly is part of it. But honestly, she is free to come and go and do things as she pleases. The problem came when she never came back to me. Over 10 years, this happens to everyone's relationship. You need some free time to yourself. It may be a minute, or a month. But sucessful relationships come back. It started as an innocent going out with friends, but its a year now and she hasn't come back (still lives with me, etc, but mentally she hasn't come back).

We met when she was 15, married at 20, and now she's 25.

She's living with you but hasn't 'come back'? Have you two thought about marriage counselling?
 

RossMAN

Grand Nagus
Feb 24, 2000
79,090
457
136
If you ever wanna talk just PM me, we can talk about finance related stuff :)
 

Vinney

Member
Mar 6, 2003
80
0
0
well that's what i mean.. i think being free for her means.. not having you on her conscience. in other words, a lot of girls her age are just starting to go out into the world and do things, find out who they are and what they want out of life, and meet new people ... i wonder if that isn't a lot of what's driving her.. in which case, i'm very sorry for you because she was clearly not ready to get married and that was unfair to you.
anyways - that's not really relevant to your question, i just wanted you to be aware of what i saw from the things you mentioned.
 

dderidex

Platinum Member
Mar 13, 2001
2,732
0
0
Originally posted by: dullard
My dad is quite sexist too (I'm the opposite). But my wife can't shake the feeling that I want her to fail at her career and be a housewife. It can't be further from the truth. I pretty much renovated her building for her studio (walls, new wood floor, etc). I've helped with any policies/pricing/etc that she wants. I actively tell everyone I know about it and encourage them to go to her studio. Yet all along she sees me as my dad. That I'm against her working. Trust in that area has dwindled to zero. She says my actions speak louder than my words. I see a tile in the ceiling is water stained and replace it so that her customers will walk in and be impressed. She sees me as picking on her stuidos flaws and making her an idiot for not noticing the stain. I'm working on this issue too - but that is really getting off subject.

LOL - that's called "women", my friend, they are ALL like that.

You can make no changes in their life, any part of their life, or anything to do with any part of their life. Not only can you absolutely, under no condition, make any such change, you cannot SUGGEST it or even THINK about it. If she has a computer, you don't touch it. Doesn't matter how many viruses are on it, or how slow it starts up. Maybe tinker with it while she's not around, but she'd better not find out about it.

Etc, etc.

Living with a woman is all about learning to bite your tongue and just *deal* with their eccentricities.

As to your "social problem"...well, I'm afraid I don't see a problem.

Why do you need 'friends' just for the sake of having 'friends'? You want people you can call up and go out with? Why? It doesn't sound like you'd ever do that if you had them?

What you need is things to do. Find a local game shop (not computer games - boardgames/miniatures/CCGs/etc - more interaction with them) and join one of the groups. *Poof*, you've got one night a week covered with a social event that you don't have to make any friends for. Game shop won't care if you don't make any friends, just as long as you come and buy their products - plus, who knows, you might make a casual gaming friend or two.

Pick up a part time job at a bookstore. Barnes &amp; Noble, Borders, etc - especially one with a coffee shop inside it. You get to hang out with people who at least value books, interact with customers who WANT books, etc. *Poof*, there goes two more nights a week covered with essentially serious social interaction without needing friends - but, again, you'll likely make some. Plus, hey, more money is always a good thing!

Hang out at a coffee shop one night a week. You've got 6000 posts here, you obviously spend a lot of time on the internet. Take a laptop to a coffee shop with a WiFi hotspot and do your ATOT posting from the coffee shop one night a week. You don't need to make friends, and usually there will only be one or two other people there at a time, excluding the barrista or two. Be sociable with the barristas (not TOO sociable, unless they seem interested) and you may end up with another casual friend or two.

Your situation is not as bad as you make it sound. You are putting the cart in front of the horse, I think. Don't look for friends just to have friends. Look for things you can enjoy doing in public, and make friends that way.
 

AreaCode707

Lifer
Sep 21, 2001
18,447
133
106
Originally posted by: dullard
Originally posted by: HotChic
Where do you live?
Nebraska. A wonderful place for piece and quiet. But no, there aren't live bands that come through or Broadway shows (not that I ever would attend those types of things).

Thanks for the other suggestions though. I'll think about them. My wife volunteers at a hospital museum. She claims it to be very boring. But maybe I can find some weekend volunteering that is a bit more exciting.

Are you really looking for something exciting? I've had issues with social anxiety, although never to the level you have now, and I found that something very stable helped me get progressively more comfortable over time. Knowing what I was doing, why, and that I could always fall back on the job I was supposed to do helped me converse and be casual with people more. Eventually I got to the point where I could easily interact in unpredictable think-on-your-feet social situations (the "exciting" stuff). And what your wife finds boring you may find challenging.
 

aplefka

Lifer
Feb 29, 2004
12,014
2
0
I've never been shy, but I haven't always been as confident as I have been the past couple years. There was a certain point where it just hit me that fvck what other people think of me, I'm going to do what I want. In this mindset I've weeded out friends who have dragged me down, started to enjoy life a lot more, and found myself to be more successful on all fronts.

I've never had a problem at all as bad as you do, but at least around girls I'm like that. It all starts in your head though, with self-confidence. Just don't worry about others and do what you need to to enjoy everything yourself. That's when others will come to you.
 

dullard

Elite Member
May 21, 2001
26,192
4,860
126
Originally posted by: RossMAN
If you ever wanna talk just PM me, we can talk about finance related stuff :)
Unrelated, but I recently found a great deal. $20 off Sims 2 plus $10 off any other game. Decided to try a $10 game that I never played (Starcraft, yep its old). Best Buy didn't have it in stock so gave me a Starcraft bundle with all the expansion packs and two strategy guides. Not too bad for $30. It made me think of you.

Deals probably dead and milage of course would have varied.
 

TheLonelyPhoenix

Diamond Member
Feb 15, 2004
5,594
1
0
Originally posted by: Hardcore
Originally posted by: TheLonelyPhoenix
Originally posted by: Hardcore
Almost all medications out there have side-effects... and you'll find as many people loving Paxil as people hating it. Can the side-effects be bad? Yes, in the 1% of so cases, it can be. But it sounds like he's in a pretty bad state himself, and it doesn't take long to know how the side-effects are... usually within 2 weeks you'll know. Infact, most of the gripes people have about is is the withdrawal, but the slow-release versions and properly tappering off of it almost elminate this problem.

These meds have had severe effects on everyone I've known who has taken them, and most like far more than 1% of the total test population. Severe effects on their ability to focus, and almost a zombie-like haze during their daily functioning - its certainly possible that he wont suffer these effects so badly, but it would still be in his best interests to face these issues as much as possible without them.

Were these 'everyone' you know on Paxil/Zoloft? Because if they were on a proper dose, they shouldn't be 'zombie-like haze' lol. Unless you're mistaken these for anti-depressants.

Paxil, Xanax, or Zoloft. And I'll admit, I only know 5-6 people who have taken these, so its not like I claim to have an unbreakable data set. But its definitely a common side effect.
 

mwtgg

Lifer
Dec 6, 2001
10,491
0
0
Originally posted by: dullard
Originally posted by: HotChic
Where do you live?
Nebraska. A wonderful place for piece and quiet. But no, there aren't live bands that come through or Broadway shows (not that I ever would attend those types of things).

Thanks for the other suggestions though. I'll think about them. My wife volunteers at a hospital museum. She claims it to be very boring. But maybe I can find some weekend volunteering that is a bit more exciting.

If you're looking for exciting, volunteer at a nursing home.
 

James3shin

Diamond Member
Apr 5, 2004
4,426
0
76
man Dullard, you sound like an alright guy...don't give up on your wife and don't be wary of any of the suggestions to better your situation, they all sounded pretty darn good. Do you and your wife still talk atleast?
 

RossMAN

Grand Nagus
Feb 24, 2000
79,090
457
136
Originally posted by: dullard
Originally posted by: RossMAN
If you ever wanna talk just PM me, we can talk about finance related stuff :)
Unrelated, but I recently found a great deal. $20 off Sims 2 plus $10 off any other game. Decided to try a $10 game that I never played (Starcraft, yep its old). Best Buy didn't have it in stock so gave me a Starcraft bundle with all the expansion packs and two strategy guides. Not too bad for $30. It made me think of you.

Deals probably dead and milage of course would have varied.

I heard that Sims is a real resource hog though, what kind of rig do you run it on?
 

dullard

Elite Member
May 21, 2001
26,192
4,860
126
Originally posted by: dderidex
If she has a computer, you don't touch it. Doesn't matter how many viruses are on it, or how slow it starts up. Maybe tinker with it while she's not around, but she'd better not find out about it.

Etc, etc.

Living with a woman is all about learning to bite your tongue and just *deal* with their eccentricities.
Reminds me of something she brought up in the argument last night.

She has a phone in her studio office, and a computer. The phone line is in an akward location and there is no power outlets near it. She has a portable phone which needs the outlet. So her solution was to put the phone base on the floor where the door always hits it. Then have an extention cord over to the phone. She also has a long phone line from the outlet to the computer that she physically swaps with the real phone line when they check email. I mention that she can put the phone on the computer desk and plug the phone into the computer modem. No more swapping, no more akward phone on the floor, fewer lines running across the room, etc. Got my head bitten off for suggesting that. Yes women can be like that.

 

flexy

Diamond Member
Sep 28, 2001
8,464
155
106
1) first off....realize you are not alone. With all these disorders, being it social anxiety, panic attacks or whatever.....it ALWAYS comes down to the point that one thinks being the only one with that disorder/feelings....but you will be surprised how many OTHER people have the same issues..even worse than you have,

Some aspects of what you describe sound familiar to me..but as said...realize that OTHERS often have the same problems. You would be surprised to realize that other people are NOT always perfect.

2) you need a big, big punch of self-confidence and STOP talking about yourself like you're a worthless lump and whatever. If you just stop beleiving that you already did a big step. If you think of yourself as a big piece of boring **** dont expect others having a better impression of you.

Again...see 1) stop thinking as you're the only one "different" with your disorder and realize you're PROBABLY as "normal" or "unnormal" as many others...then work on your self-cinfidence issues.

3) you can totally work on your disorder and doing stuff alone on your own. Dont avoid situations.
Just DO stuff and get a kick out of it that you did something and (SURPRISE :) ) are still alive after you did it. Eg. simple things like going shopping, phoning other people whatever.

4) look for friends online and maybe even people with the same problem...allways a good way to meet people. and be honest and dont play/pretend something you are not. You will gain self-confidence and therefore get over your problems if you realize your weaknesses and do osmething about it....or even *ignore* them.
Eg. if you're afraid going out or going shopping, taking a train or whatever....just do it. It might be tough...but it is doable and every time you did something you will feel good about it.


Edit: look !
" I have to overanalyze "....and why ? Because you think you have to be perfect, because you think OTHERS are perfect - while you (allegedly) are not. And thats where your big mistake is.
Maybe you could start thinking about/listing your positive attributes (EVERYONE has some) and focus on THEM - and NOT only on the imperfections which f*****g every human on earth has.
 

dullard

Elite Member
May 21, 2001
26,192
4,860
126
Originally posted by: HotChic
Are you really looking for something exciting?
Doesn't have to be exciting, but it certainly would make it more comfortable for me to approach it in the first place. Just the thought of going to strangers and asking if they need help will take a lot of struggling for me. The struggling will be harder if I'm doing it for a boring job. But, no it doesn't have to be exciting. I'm just trying to motivate myself.

 

dullard

Elite Member
May 21, 2001
26,192
4,860
126
Originally posted by: RossMAN
I heard that Sims is a real resource hog though, what kind of rig do you run it on?
2.4 MHz P4, 533 MHz fsb
384 MB DDR
GeForce 4 MX 420.

I see no serious slowdowns. Some of the graphics are jumpy at rare times. My brother gave me his used GF4 Ti 4200 for Christmas, but due to overheating issues I haven't gotten that to work yet (BSOD with 3D games but perfect 2D). I've been too depressed to do much with that.