How can shy people meet friends?

[dullard]

Originally posted by: HardcoreRobot
you are a teacher right? time to institute that A for "effort" program

I forced myself to teach one college course. It was my effort to improve public speaking ability. By the end of week 2 of the class, I had no fear of that class. But other public speaking has still proven difficult.

 

[cherrytwist]

gloryhole

 

[iversonyin]

You need to build up self confidence. Stop worrying about making fool out of yourself. Sometimes, making a fool out of yourself is a good thing. You can actually make people laugh.

And stop thinking about what you going to say. Just say it.

Nothing stand b/w you and others except for FEAR. Conquer your fear, confront them, and speak the eff up.

At work: find someone you have common interest with (sports/computer/poltics....etc) and ask if he/she wanta go lunch or go for a beer sometimes, or the day you ask them. If they turn you down, no biggie, there plenty of coworkers somewhere want free lunch. I know i don't mind gettin free lunch.

and good luck dude. everyone at anand is here for you if anything else fail....

 

[StageLeft]

Originally posted by: fritolays
church is a good place to meet people
if you go to the right one, people are welcoming and you may feel part of the group in no time. I know people that are active in church, organize activities, go on missiong trips etc. because usually they have no "real" friends either and have nothing else to do

Yeah church can be phenomenal, depending on if you're part of a large church that has specific social groups. Any church of significant size will have various social groups that you can ask about and they may cater towards you.

In terms of the root of the social issues though, it may be in fact best solved with drugs, though only a psychiatrist can talk on that properly.

 

[James3shin]

hmm...maybe you try not giving up on your current lady? She sounds like a stand up gal, just try and start hitting the world slowly, go out and start running, riding a bike, skiing or something of the sort. All of these you can do by yourself and then meet a few people along the way.

 

[TheLonelyPhoenix]

Originally posted by: acemcmac
I really hate to be blunt, but you need to hear this:

Get your pee-pee out of your mouth and be bold, brash and brasin. Stick your kneck out, you have nothing to loose.

I really hate to be blunt, but you need to hear this:

You need have your head removed from your ass with a crowbar.

Dullard, sorry to hear about your situation with your wife... she sounds like a wonderful woman. It sounds like you were using her as a boost for your confidence; you felt like you were worth more when you were around her, and didn't fear others as much. What you need to do is look for other ways of developing your confidence with others. Have pride in yourself and who you are. Speak when you have something to say, but listen wholeheartedly to others. Don't let yourself feel intimidated by anyone. John Wayne said it best, "Courage is being scared, but saddling up anyway"... you have to adopt the same attitude towards life to overcome things on your own.

 

[dullard]

There is one other social situation where I'm not too bad in. Ballroom dancing. Wife and I took lessons for quite a while and got to be pretty decent. She got a job teaching dancing, quit in a very bad mannor (horrible abusive boss), and just recently opened up her own dance studio. She has basically cornered the dancing scene in the city in this last year. I feel quite unwelcome at those locations. All except for the one that she quit. I went there last night and did have an ok time. However, that is why we've been arguing the last couple of days - supporting her competition, especially her ex-boss.

 

[Sukhoi]

Eh, similar situation here although I'm nowhere near as bad as you have it. If only I could drink beer.

 

[James3shin]

don't give up on your wife man...from your account of your situation she would have left already by now if she really wanted to leave, I kind of think it shows in her being upset about you going to competition. Do you and your wife go dancing still? If you can dance, you can surely do other activities that get you outside more often.

 

[Looney]

Originally posted by: dullard
My needs:
I need to be able to meet a friend, be able to actually phone him/her to ask to do something, and to be able to follow through and do it. Does anyone here have advice?

My disorder:
I'm self-diagnosed with social anxiety. I have several symptoms but the ones which affect me the most are:
1) Inability to speak when there are more than 3-4 people in the room. I have to overanalyze everything I say to make certain I won't be made fun of again. By the time I've gone over the sentence several times the subject has changed and I'd be an idiot to finally say my witty remark.
2) Inability to use the phone. I'm terrified of even ordering a pizza and my mind goes blank when trying to say anything.
3) Inability to ask others do to things with/for me. I'll gladly help anyone, anywhere but I just can't bring myself to ask for help (in person that is, I'm fine with forums).
4) Inability to have attention on me (public speaking, acting wild, etc).
Specific examples listed here if you scroll to the 6th post.

I would suggest trying Paxil or something similar. It won't 'cure' you, but it'll help with the anxiety, in hopes that with the drug, you'll be able to properly learn how to socialize, so that you can eventually come off of it.

You wouldn't worry so much about what people really thought of you if you knew just how seldom they actually do.

 

[TheLonelyPhoenix]

Originally posted by: Hardcore

Originally posted by: dullard
My needs:
I need to be able to meet a friend, be able to actually phone him/her to ask to do something, and to be able to follow through and do it. Does anyone here have advice?

My disorder:
I'm self-diagnosed with social anxiety. I have several symptoms but the ones which affect me the most are:
1) Inability to speak when there are more than 3-4 people in the room. I have to overanalyze everything I say to make certain I won't be made fun of again. By the time I've gone over the sentence several times the subject has changed and I'd be an idiot to finally say my witty remark.
2) Inability to use the phone. I'm terrified of even ordering a pizza and my mind goes blank when trying to say anything.
3) Inability to ask others do to things with/for me. I'll gladly help anyone, anywhere but I just can't bring myself to ask for help (in person that is, I'm fine with forums).
4) Inability to have attention on me (public speaking, acting wild, etc).
Specific examples listed here if you scroll to the 6th post.

I would suggest trying Paxil or something similar. It won't 'cure' you, but it'll help with the anxiety, in hopes that with the drug, you'll be able to properly learn how to socialize, so that you can eventually come off of it.

I highly recommend against taking anti-anxiety meds unless you've tried EVERYTHING else first. I've known several people on them in college, and sometimes the side-effects can be worse than the symptoms you're taking them for.

 

[Kelvrick]

Why do you feel unwelcome at her places? So you just wanna make friends after she leaves you right? You can't fix it and try to get'er back?

Do you have a couple of trusted friends now? You could try asking them for a little help in getting you out there in social situations.

 

[StageLeft]

I highly recommend against taking anti-anxiety meds unless you've tried EVERYTHING else first. I've known several people on them in college, and sometimes the side-effects can be worse than the symptoms you're taking them for.

A physician will give the best advice in this area...not to undermine yours, because a good shrink will indeed not start immediately on meds unless they think that therapy will have only limited success. They've seen so many cases though that I've no doubt many times they can talk to somebody and in almost no time say "Yep, this guy will do best on such-and-such medication. I've seen it a million times - therapy is not going to help this fellow much."

 

[Gigantopithecus]

Originally posted by: dullard
There is one other social situation where I'm not too bad in. Ballroom dancing.

Ohhhhh man, the ladies eat that up.

Seriously, you said you've sought professional help, but that it didn't work. How many & who? Did you try PhD Psychologists or MD/DO Psychiatrists? Many of them have incredibly different approaches, if you're in a large enough community you might find one that specializes in what you're looking for.

 

[dullard]

Originally posted by: James3shin
don't give up on your wife man.

That would be my #1 goal. But to do that I need to improve myself.

Do you and your wife go dancing still?

Her work friends come by, we have a little conversation, they talk about dancing, then my wife turns to me and says "I'm going dancing, have a good night". A sharp kick in the teeth. Yes I'm jealous, and yes I'm lonely. She is a very wonderful person, and if she'd just spend some time with me, I'd be perfectly happy.

If you can dance, you can surely do other activities that get you outside more often.

The problem is that dancing is a huge attraction to shy men (this is the majority of long time male dance students). It is social interaction without any need for words. You press your body (anywhere from your hips to your upper chest depending on height) solidly against your dance partner's body (anywhere from her hips to her upper chest depending on height). For many shy males that is the only physical contact they get and women welcome it since it is required to do most dance moves. The total lack of any requirement to speak makes dancing an easy social situation. Plus having been there for 3 years we know many regulars there that I am comfortable with. I don't have that security blanket anywhere else.

A church sounds harmless enough. If only I wasn't an athiest who things church going people are often brainwashed lemmings (This doesn't apply to all people, just those who refuse to think for themselves. If you think for yourself and still believe in God, then all the power to you and congratulations).

 

[Your Ears]

You could join a book club. You will know what the topic of conversation will be ahead of time (the book) and be able to prepare what you want to say with the knowledge that that there will be a place for it in the conversation. Maybe with that sort of practice you gain more social confidence.

 

[Hayabusa Rider]

Originally posted by: TheLonelyPhoenix

Originally posted by: Hardcore

Originally posted by: dullard
My needs:
I need to be able to meet a friend, be able to actually phone him/her to ask to do something, and to be able to follow through and do it. Does anyone here have advice?

My disorder:
I'm self-diagnosed with social anxiety. I have several symptoms but the ones which affect me the most are:
1) Inability to speak when there are more than 3-4 people in the room. I have to overanalyze everything I say to make certain I won't be made fun of again. By the time I've gone over the sentence several times the subject has changed and I'd be an idiot to finally say my witty remark.
2) Inability to use the phone. I'm terrified of even ordering a pizza and my mind goes blank when trying to say anything.
3) Inability to ask others do to things with/for me. I'll gladly help anyone, anywhere but I just can't bring myself to ask for help (in person that is, I'm fine with forums).
4) Inability to have attention on me (public speaking, acting wild, etc).
Specific examples listed here if you scroll to the 6th post.

I would suggest trying Paxil or something similar. It won't 'cure' you, but it'll help with the anxiety, in hopes that with the drug, you'll be able to properly learn how to socialize, so that you can eventually come off of it.

I highly recommend against taking anti-anxiety meds unless you've tried EVERYTHING else first. I've known several people on them in college, and sometimes the side-effects can be worse than the symptoms you're taking them for.

Not to be insensitive, but it sounds like his life is completely screwed. I have a tough time imagining the poor guy having more trouble by giving meds a trial period.

 

[flawlssdistortn]

Originally posted by: dullard
My needs:
I need to be able to meet a friend, be able to actually phone him/her to ask to do something, and to be able to follow through and do it. Does anyone here have advice?

My disorder:
I'm self-diagnosed with social anxiety. I have several symptoms but the ones which affect me the most are:
1) Inability to speak when there are more than 3-4 people in the room. I have to overanalyze everything I say to make certain I won't be made fun of again. By the time I've gone over the sentence several times the subject has changed and I'd be an idiot to finally say my witty remark.
2) Inability to use the phone. I'm terrified of even ordering a pizza and my mind goes blank when trying to say anything.
3) Inability to ask others do to things with/for me. I'll gladly help anyone, anywhere but I just can't bring myself to ask for help (in person that is, I'm fine with forums).
4) Inability to have attention on me (public speaking, acting wild, etc).
Specific examples listed here if you scroll to the 6th post.

Background
I had a lonely childhood and few friends. I'm satisfied with 1 or 2 friends and certainly don't want more (otherwise I get into situations where there are more than 3-4 people in the room). I was never very happy even though I succeeded in many areas.

That is, until I met my wife. I've known her for 10.5 years. She is far better than I could have ever expected in many areas (tallent, intelligence, and beauty to name a few). Never in a million years would I have thought anyone like that would talk to me, let alone want to date me. I've had all of the happiest moments in my life with her. I was so happy that I nearly overcame my disorder. Whenever I was with her I could do almost anything (except speak in a crowd). We had friends, went out, etc. We both were very happy. Everything was wonderful. Of course, there is a big problem that developed though.

I pretty much have used her as a crutch. With her, I can do things I want to do and have fun. Without her I'm a worthless lump. This fact been dragging on her. Over the past year she has pretty much pulled away 100% from me. She doesn't want to do anything with me anymore. After a heated discussion the last few days, I'm pretty sure a separation is inevitable and most likely a divorce. The biggest thing she wants from me is to have friends on my own (so she won't feel guilty spending 100% of her free time with other people instead of me).

So I need friends.

Without my wife, I cannot enter a social situation. I'm terrified of bars or other similar places, horrified at the thought of meeting people, and have nothing to say when I do. They get bored with me and move on with their life. I end up a wall flower all alone. That's the worst feeling in the world to me - to be lonely in a crowded room.

Even my work friends that I have seem to enjoy being around me. But I'm too terrified to call them to do something. When I ask if they want to go out after work sometime, I get the response "that sounds great". Weeks pass and nothing happens. I'd bore them to death if we went out.

Any advice?

Dullard, I refuse to believe that this short post summarizes who you are. But the very fact that you wrote it and left it at that shows you need to start thinking about what's missing. No, it's not actually missing from you or your life, it's just missing from your perspective, and hence the thread.

What kind of things are you good at? What are your talents? What's your favorite type of music? What makes you feel really good (besides your wife)? What are those jokes you never tell? What do you think about anything?

As an exercise for yourself I think you should write out all these things and more, so you can stop focusing on your ridiculous "label" of a disorder. No stranger's first impression amounts to dick anyway, it means just as much as their 2dimensional idea of ditzy Jessica Simpson.


btw Descartes said "I think therefore I am" not "I feel therefore I am" so don't get caught up in writing how bad you feel, cause it's not getting at the root of who you are.

 

[James3shin]

hmm when she says "im going dancing" Im thinking you should ask if "hey can i get a dance or two in?" Can't hurt right? Brush aside the feelings of lonliness and jealousy, they'll get you nowhere. I see your point in dancing being suited for shy people, but is it helping your anxiety any? Sounds like the lack of verbal communication from partner to partner is not helping any...I would try something new.

 

[Vinney]

forgive me for being slow but you never actually say (i don't think) that your wife was leaving you because of your disorder - is that the case or is that just a factor? .. i know that's not really relevant to the topic, but i was just curious.
anyways - i think you should consider volunteering or getting involved in activities you like - you mentioned ballroom dancing, but since that scene is sort of closed off for you (and i wouldn't recommend supporting her ex-boss, that would upset me too) why not start getting involved in another hobby - clearly these types of things help you. has she closed off the entire dancing scene? why not try going to tango or swing or something (admittedly, going alone to something like that would scare me too).
I would suggest either volunteering or taking a small part-time job in some place that makes you interact with people - a coffee shop, a hospital, a soup kitchen, anything as long as what you're doing involves people around you. Then you have a reason to be there and can become comfortable getting to know people (which apparently you're good at since you have friends at work). Speaking of, definitely make it a point to follow up with those guys. You don't have to do the bar scene to hang out, go to a comedy show or something or play pool? I don't know what's in Nebraska, but I'm sure there are things around if you look in the local paper. And do what you do when ordering pizza, write down what you want to say and possible responses and all the things you want to remember before you call the person. Practice a few times if you need to. There's no shame in that.
If this is the reason your wife is tired of you, then maybe making progress in these areas will help her and your relationship. If it's ancilliary, then at best she won't feel bad leaving you. Either way though, it'll make things less messy.

 

[no0b]

sounds familiar.

You can start going to some Divorce Recovery groups that some churches sponsor. Some of them are even non-denominational so dont be scared of another denomations. Or just zone them out when they get on the soap box if you are Atheist or Agnostic.

Anyways there are lots more people out there some female in the same situation.

Booze really wont solve your problem, well it didn't solve mine. I've been drinking and most of the women that I meet scare the crap out of me. Most are the typical drunkeon slut.

Hey you are a school teacher, which means you are good with kids try banking on that with the ladies. I kid I kid.

 

[Looney]

Originally posted by: TheLonelyPhoenix

Originally posted by: Hardcore

Originally posted by: dullard
My needs:
I need to be able to meet a friend, be able to actually phone him/her to ask to do something, and to be able to follow through and do it. Does anyone here have advice?

My disorder:
I'm self-diagnosed with social anxiety. I have several symptoms but the ones which affect me the most are:
1) Inability to speak when there are more than 3-4 people in the room. I have to overanalyze everything I say to make certain I won't be made fun of again. By the time I've gone over the sentence several times the subject has changed and I'd be an idiot to finally say my witty remark.
2) Inability to use the phone. I'm terrified of even ordering a pizza and my mind goes blank when trying to say anything.
3) Inability to ask others do to things with/for me. I'll gladly help anyone, anywhere but I just can't bring myself to ask for help (in person that is, I'm fine with forums).
4) Inability to have attention on me (public speaking, acting wild, etc).
Specific examples listed here if you scroll to the 6th post.

I would suggest trying Paxil or something similar. It won't 'cure' you, but it'll help with the anxiety, in hopes that with the drug, you'll be able to properly learn how to socialize, so that you can eventually come off of it.

I highly recommend against taking anti-anxiety meds unless you've tried EVERYTHING else first. I've known several people on them in college, and sometimes the side-effects can be worse than the symptoms you're taking them for.

Almost all medications out there have side-effects... and you'll find as many people loving Paxil as people hating it. Can the side-effects be bad? Yes, in the 1% of so cases, it can be. But it sounds like he's in a pretty bad state himself, and it doesn't take long to know how the side-effects are... usually within 2 weeks you'll know. Infact, most of the gripes people have about is is the withdrawal, but the slow-release versions and properly tappering off of it almost elminate this problem.

 

[TheLonelyPhoenix]

Originally posted by: Hardcore
Almost all medications out there have side-effects... and you'll find as many people loving Paxil as people hating it. Can the side-effects be bad? Yes, in the 1% of so cases, it can be. But it sounds like he's in a pretty bad state himself, and it doesn't take long to know how the side-effects are... usually within 2 weeks you'll know. Infact, most of the gripes people have about is is the withdrawal, but the slow-release versions and properly tappering off of it almost elminate this problem.

These meds have had severe effects on everyone I've known who has taken them, and most like far more than 1% of the total test population. Severe effects on their ability to focus, and almost a zombie-like haze during their daily functioning - its certainly possible that he wont suffer these effects so badly, but it would still be in his best interests to face these issues as much as possible without them.

 

[The Stigenator]

dullard, im sorry but your wife is probably cheating on you..

you and i have similar problems.. AIM me.

 

[dullard]

Originally posted by: Vinney
forgive me for being slow but you never actually say (i don't think) that your wife was leaving you because of your disorder - is that the case or is that just a factor? .. i know that's not really relevant to the topic, but i was just curious.

Two reasons are all that I can determine: (1) is the shyness, (2) is my dad. My wife came from a loving but unintrusive family. They didn't care what she did or if she succeeded. My dad cares about that. He wants us to succeed and have lots of talents. I rarely speak to my family and I feel no pressure. But she isn't used to that. Having a father-in-law that actively asks what classes she takes in college really bothered her. She felt it was way too much pressure and way too controlling.

My dad is quite sexist too (I'm the opposite). But my wife can't shake the feeling that I want her to fail at her career and be a housewife. It can't be further from the truth. I pretty much renovated her building for her studio (walls, new wood floor, etc). I've helped with any policies/pricing/etc that she wants. I actively tell everyone I know about it and encourage them to go to her studio. Yet all along she sees me as my dad. That I'm against her working. Trust in that area has dwindled to zero. She says my actions speak louder than my words. I see a tile in the ceiling is water stained and replace it so that her customers will walk in and be impressed. She sees me as picking on her stuidos flaws and making her an idiot for not noticing the stain. I'm working on this issue too - but that is really getting off subject.