Help finding the man my wife cheated on me with!

[rahvin]

Originally posted by: Oyeve
Ill try to answer all questions.

1. Shes known him for over 15 years, I have been with her for ten, we have a kid, we had a bad time in our marriage about fours years ago and that was when the affair started. They used to be very good friends long before me so she had some connection. Not that what she did was justified.

2. I paged to the number she called from many times but he never called which led me to beleive the had a code or something.

3. No, i didnt kick her out. I am to nice plus my sone lives there and she is a good mother. I love her and she loves me but she hurt me bad. I left the house and see my kid every night until her and I come to some resolution.

4. The questions I want to ask is 1. Why? 2. Do you love her 3. Did you at least treat her right? 4. are you her soul mate? 5. Will you NEVER call, see, or come remotely NEAR her. Thats when I may have to threaten him.

When I get to aske these questions and ananlyze the answers I will ask my wife the same. And if they DO love each other I will then try not to work on the marriage and let them be. If I can ever trust her again (beleive me, its the hardest thing to try to do) this may actually make our marriage stronger than ever. If there can never be trust again then it will be over.

I have said some really nasty things to her a long time ago. I mean REALLY nasty things. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD which made me act impulsivley and I would spout nasty things for years. Its a chemical imbalance that I have for the last few months been taking meds succesfully. Which is probably why I didnt fly off the handle when I found out. But still, that is no excuse to do what she did. I love her and know she loves me, but if she loves him then this wont work. Which is why I need to find him and ask him.

I see no legitimate reason for you to need to contact him. These questions are all questions you should pose to your current wife. You say you know your wife loves you but she stepped out on your violated a promise of marriage and your trust in her. You shouldn't be trying to contact him.

You should be asking yourself these questions:

1. Do you love your wife?
2. Could you forgive your wife completely and unconditionally?
3. Could you trust your wife again?
4. If she did it once, will she do it again?
5. Does your wife love you?
6. Can your wife promise to never violate your trust again?
7. Is your wife telling you what you want to hear out of fear of losing her support network?

You should really talk to a professional counselor specializing in divorce and discuss this with him. Your attempts to contact the man indiciate an inability to deal with the situtation. Underneath what your precieved motives are you want to threaten this individual. You think that by telling him to stay away it will make your wife faithfull. The hard truth is that your wife choose to do what she did, and she did it for 4 years. He's the opportunist, your wife the one that violated you.

 

[notfred]

Why should I care who your wife is sleeping with, or whether or not you can find him. Is it my fault your wife's a slut? Is it this other guy's fault your wife's a slut? No, not really. He's not the one who cheated, she is. This is a problem with your wife, not this other guy. You can blame it on him, and kick his ass if you really want to, but it doesn't change the fact that your wife's the one with the loyalty problem . Did this other guy make wedding vows promising to be faithful to you? I doubt it. Deal with your wife, like you should, not this other guy.

 

[kranky]

Please work it out with your wife, and don't try to track him down. I see nothing to be gained by that except the great risk of something bad happening.

You say your marriage is the main concern, and that's great. But your marriage is you and your wife, not him. Regardless of what he might answer, isn't it still between you and her?

I hate to come in and repeat what's been said by others, but this is important. It's not a good idea.

 

[tcsenter]

Hell if it makes you feel any better, I'll answer the questions for you.

The questions I want to ask is 1. Why?

Is that a serious question? What do you mean "why"? Cuz I was getting me some, why else? Are you gay or something? What kind of ridiculous question is that!

2. Do you love her 3.

As long as I was getting me some, I loved her just fine.

Did you at least treat her right?

You'll have to ask her, only she knows what "right" is for her. But I tell you, I must have been doing something right, because I sure was getting me some!

4. are you her soul mate? 5.

Ah, I don't believe in that crap.

Will you NEVER call, see, or come remotely NEAR her.

Hey, that's her business. If she comes looking for it, I'm not going to say no.

Feel better?

 

[Kelvrick]

How did you find out she was cheating on you? She has been cheating on you FOR 4 years?! You guys had some bad times 4 years ago, but still, she shouldn't have cheated on you. Even then, why in the world would it continue? I'm going to have to agree with getting a marriage counselor if you and your wife can't work it out on your own.

 

[oLLie]

Are you ok, Oyeve? How long ago did you find out and how?

 

[DaiShan]

Listen bro, their are ways to track people down, but you don't want to do that, you might only want to "ask a few questions" but it will probably get out of hand, when emotions are involved, things can escalate.

 

[jemcam]

I've been in your exact situation. I found out the guy's name and even knew where he worked, what kind of car he drove, etc. I was tempted many, many times to just go up and introduce myself to see the look on his face. Luckily for me, common sense prevailed because I knew deep down I'd end up beating the crap out of the guy or killing him. It just wasn't worth it.

Meanwhile, my wife got her head screwed on straight and we went to a good marriage counselor individually and together and over time, got things worked out.

I can also honestly say that my marriage is much stronger than it was during those dark days in 95.

Oh yes, by the way, we couldn't have worked it out until I had accepted what happened and quit asking why. Once I got over that part and realized I could be better off, it was much easier. When I convinced myself and her that I'd walk if she didn't do exactly what I wanted and quit making threats towards me, things got better.

 

[ivol07]

Everyone is saying not to blame the guy, that he just took advantage of the situation and you shouldn't be concerned with him. F*ck that! He knew she was married. He intentionally went after her. In my book, if you go after a married woman, or a woman who is in a committed relationship, you deserve an ass beating. F*ck him.

I can't give you any advice on finding him because it will be very difficult without a last name. You must be able to do something with that pager number. I'm sure there is a way to find out what company the pager is under, then go from there.

 

[Maleficus]

Originally posted by: notfred
Why should I care who your wife is sleeping with, or whether or not you can find him. Is it my fault your wife's a slut? Is it this other guy's fault your wife's a slut? No, not really. He's not the one who cheated, she is. This is a problem with your wife, not this other guy. You can blame it on him, and kick his ass if you really want to, but it doesn't change the fact that your wife's the one with the loyalty problem . Did this other guy make wedding vows promising to be faithful to you? I doubt it. Deal with your wife, like you should, not this other guy.

Way to be sensitive. Lets all just call everyones wives sluts, sound good?

 

[ProUser]

I think Ollie asked the correct question. Are YOU okay?

I can't relate, but I can only imagine the feelings that must be going through you right now. Anger I'm sure is probably the first to come.. but I think I might be more concerned about what's next.

I don't think I'd ask either this jerk (sorry, but regardless if it was her cheating.. he knew what was going on which in my mind is a moral no no), or really even my wife had to say about it just yet. Maybe take real time to yourself to figure out how *you* feel first? I mean really, words only mean so much and right now you are probably only going to hear what [insert person here] wants you to hear at the moment. Dunno.. sorry to hear it bro..

 

[bigrash]

I think she's more at fault than him. She's the one who cheated on you. Deal with her first and then kick his ass

 

[Xenon14]

Both of them are at fault. He acted knowingly that he would be a catalyst in the breaking up of a marriage, but your wife was undoubtedly more at fault the final decision was up to her. Personally, I think for you to gain her trust you have to violate hers; if she uses the comp, I suggest you look into Keylogging programs amongst other things.

 

[bozack]

Could you really ever trust her again??? I know that I couldn't and I wouldn't..whether it be a one night thing or even worse a four year affair as in your case.

You are really really really better off just getting a divorce and be done with it as IMHO you will never be able to fully trust her again and if you did then you would be a fool. I mean she skirts the issue of how she contacted him? how can you trust someone like that?

I would also want to "talk" with the guy, but really deal with your immediate problem first which is getting her out of your life, and proving in court that she is an unfit mother by her acts of cheating, then you can get primary custody of your children and start to rebuild your life...

Jemcam, do you really trust your wife? if you do then I give you a good deal of credit as I could never trust that person again.

 

[DAGTA]

I agree with some of what other people are saying. Both your wife and the guy are at fault. However, your concern should be focused with your wife. Tracking the guy down can only lead to a bad outcome. A lot of us will come on here and tell you what we would do in your situation. I know what I feel I would do. However, when in your situation, emotions are extremely thick and people are rarely thinking straight. You definitely need time to yourself to think about this. However, I would say moving out is a BAD idea. If you end up getting divorced, you just gave her the house by moving out before the divorce. Also, I recommend looking into some conseling (sp?). I'd actually say get some personal, not marriage, conseling. (sp?) You can find people that will work for a cheap rate because they want to help you out. Being able to talk to an unbiased person that is not involved in your situation is a great way to get your head clear and focus on the present and future. Be wary of rash actions but also don't sacrifice your happiness and sanity simply to keep a marriage together.
-DAGTA

 

[bbkat]

Stop paging me!!!

 

[Colt45]

Hmm... how's that line go again...


"Ahh fvck it, kill 'em both."

 

[Oyeve]

Are you ok, Oyeve? How long ago did you find out and how?

Thanks for asking Ollie. I am playing it minute by minute. My emotions run from Hate, Anger, used, betrayed, love. all within minutes. Thanks god I don't drink because I feel I would just be drunk all the time. The 4 year affair, according to HER, was on and off. She claims it usually happened when our marriage was going through some very rough times. And beleive me, i was no angel either but I never used or betrayed my wife that way. I usually called her really nasty things, belittled her and basically kept telling her I hated her and regretted marrying her. I was by far no mr. nice guy but I never went to someone else. thats what really hurts.

 

[rahvin]

Originally posted by: Oyeve

Are you ok, Oyeve? How long ago did you find out and how?

Thanks for asking Ollie. I am playing it minute by minute. My emotions run from Hate, Anger, used, betrayed, love. all within minutes. Thanks god I don't drink because I feel I would just be drunk all the time. The 4 year affair, according to HER, was on and off. She claims it usually happened when our marriage was going through some very rough times. And beleive me, i was no angel either but I never used or betrayed my wife that way. I usually called her really nasty things, belittled her and basically kept telling her I hated her and regretted marrying her. I was by far no mr. nice guy but I never went to someone else. thats what really hurts.

Just remember when you talk to her that you need to be honest in both emotion and speech. If you can't trust what she said tell her and tell her why. She broke a trust. Seek professional help if you can, it seems you both have demons running around.

One tip I can seriously recommend. Physical excersize burns emotion off. If you are physically exhausted it's much easier to let the emotions go for a while. Take this situation as an opportunity to get all the excersize none of us get enough of.

 

[Oyeve]

One tip I can seriously recommend. Physical excersize burns emotion off.

This is so true. I have been working out vigorously for a few weeks, lost 20 pounds and look better than I ever have in my adult life. I am at my ideal weight for my height. So I guess something good came from all this. Too bad it had to be this.

 

[pyonir]

Luvya can probably track him down, and stalk him for you if you want.

 

[WW]

no one is answering the man's question...how would you find this mystery man?

here's a thought, buy one of these, install in a hidden location in your house, and check it to see if she is dialing the page number, if there's a pattern (right after you leave for work, etc)....you'll figure out how to find him (them)

http://www.thespystore.com/telephonesurveillanceequipment.htm

of course if she is calling from work or cell phone that won't work...

you have the number he called from? if it's a fax/data line, he might be calling from his office. A lot of times an office will buy a block of telephone numbers, for their fax, modems, voice lines, etc. So call some numbers right above and below that number and see if someone answers "Fred's accounting", etc.

www.anywho.com has a reverse lookup directory, but I doubt if that number would be there...

(p.s. I actually agree with everyone else that said it's probably a bad idea to contact him anyways...)

 

[alphatarget1]

try USsearch.com, i donno

not that i promote violence but he should be taught a lesson

 

[Jfur]

Originally posted by: Oyeve
Ill try to answer all questions.

1. Shes known him for over 15 years, I have been with her for ten, we have a kid, we had a bad time in our marriage about fours years ago and that was when the affair started. They used to be very good friends long before me so she had some connection. Not that what she did was justified.

2. I paged to the number she called from many times but he never called which led me to beleive the had a code or something.

3. No, i didnt kick her out. I am to nice plus my sone lives there and she is a good mother. I love her and she loves me but she hurt me bad. I left the house and see my kid every night until her and I come to some resolution.

4. The questions I want to ask is 1. Why? 2. Do you love her 3. Did you at least treat her right? 4. are you her soul mate? 5. Will you NEVER call, see, or come remotely NEAR her. Thats when I may have to threaten him.

When I get to aske these questions and ananlyze the answers I will ask my wife the same. And if they DO love each other I will then try not to work on the marriage and let them be. If I can ever trust her again (beleive me, its the hardest thing to try to do) this may actually make our marriage stronger than ever. If there can never be trust again then it will be over.

I have said some really nasty things to her a long time ago. I mean REALLY nasty things. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD which made me act impulsivley and I would spout nasty things for years. Its a chemical imbalance that I have for the last few months been taking meds succesfully. Which is probably why I didnt fly off the handle when I found out. But still, that is no excuse to do what she did. I love her and know she loves me, but if she loves him then this wont work. Which is why I need to find him and ask him.

Talking to **HIM** will get you **NOWHERE** If you really plan to stay with her, both of you should seek marriage counseling. Please consider that. Best wishes!

 

[Hammer]

haha

Originally posted by: pyonir
Luvya can probably track him down, and stalk him for you if you want.