You haven't lived until you've shot a machine gun grenade launcher with high explosive rounds. Holy shit that's fun.
I would challenge this. I think we could have a lot more fun than that examining what you define as fun. Unfortunately, for us to do that you would have to honestly be able to look at yourself and to do that we will have to examine the notion of taboo. You may find that what we will discover isn't very flattering to your self defined notion of ego:
Let's take a look at what we mean by "holy shit". What are you feeling. Well, that's the problem isn't it. You don't know because you would consider yourself to be diminished of esteem if you did, I think.
So I will have to do the analysis that I see in me for you. I make the assumption that it applies because I also believe we are all the same:
Holy Shit is an emotional high that draws its thrill by getting close to the forbidden, by experiencing vicariously, feelings you would consciously deny. The thrill comes from having a moment in which you can imagine yourself blowing 'the enemy' up as you unleash power, the vicarious feeling of destroying something evil, you wielding death to the supposedly deserving. For the moment you get to unleash the violent ape within you, experience the rush of narcotic brain chemicals within you. What you call fun is being 'the killer' triumphant over your hapless victims. You get to be the tough guy instead of your usual life as a victim of victim mentality. Now that's some real fun, a brief reprieve from your usual emotionally empty but unnatural state. This would be meaningless to you had you 'real life' were you able to love with infinite grace.
And naturally, because you don't want to hear this, you won't.
Just know that if you are ever driven to despair, the truth won't call you worthy of shame and guilt but will set you free.
This is a near universal condition of illness and we are all the same. The truth can't be kept from any who deeply need it and seek with honesty.
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