Getting Divorced - It is officially over! Done! Fini!

[conjur]

Getting full custody is almost a non-existent judgement anymore. One has to prove the other spouse is either mentally ill or is endangering the lives of the children. Essentially, the other spouse has to be, say, doing drugs in front of the kids, abandoning them, not feeding them, or physically abusing them.

Otherwise, it's typically always joint custody with one parent being the primary custodial parent (meaning, has a greater say in picking schools or even has more visitation time.) Even then, though, a move out of state or even out of the county would have to be approved by the courts.


The big thing is having a lawyer who will fight for your side and be aggressive enough but not so much so to tick off the judge. Judges don't like having motion after motion filed from one side. I think that's why the judge in my case so easily sided with us. My ex was filing idiotic motions left and right and her lawyer was purely after *my* money, which was no longer in existence as I was unemployed and the new job I eventually got was for less than 1/2 my original income.

 

[jemcam]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: Skoorb

After reading all the divorce/wife threads this week i completely understand why those guys whacked them.

Man I was thinking the exact same thing! To be with somebody for so long and then have them turn on you in such a way...so vindictive, and just beating while you're down. It's not right!

I've learned that a woman can completely change overnight. Its like they become a completely different person. And here we see another classic example. They can be completely loving and supportive and then they just snap and go off the deep end.

I've been through it too. The most bewildering thing is how quickly things change from one polar opposite to the other...

 

[Armitage]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: ergeorge
"It's all about the money for you"
Yea, I've heard that sh|t before also. My situation was/is suprisingly similar to yours ... paid all the bills, supported her through school, through paying off her huge credit card debt, etc. Never said a thing about it or did anything to make her feel indebted to me in any way, even as she still racked up debt even though she didn't pay the bills. Now that she's decided she doesn't want to be married anymore, if I ever dare mention money or property, then it's "all about the money for you". No it's not, but I'll damn well do what I can to not take the shaft completely in this deal.

God luck to you Saigon. Keep your cool
Armitage

I've heard that line but from the other end with a husband who conviently forgot come divorce time that each of our children were discussed and planned,that difficult pregnancies and a disabled child would negatively impact my earning power for life.

Why should the lifelong negative earnings hit caused by pregancy and child rearing occuring within a marriage be born solely by the woman come divorce time?

My ex has not seen our son in about 1 yr,his choice,his total fiscal contribution to the boy's welfare
is under $500 for the year(he does not provide health insurance or any other benefits).His idea of active parenting involves occasionally showing up at IEP meetings wagging his fingers in the faces of the professionals and announcing that our son will not be medicated and that long range planning for assisted living won't be needed because "we" will take care of it.


Who is this "we" of which you speak Willis? Lol,I thought he was going to punch me in the face when I asked that question

I can appreciate the pain of getting screwed in a divorce,I do want to mention though that it's not just men on the receiving end of a bend over,it can and does happen to women and even worse it happens to the kids,the people most lacking in any kind of power in these situations.

I'm not generalizing to women in general ... I had a friend that screwed his wife royally in a divorce (note the past tense). Told her about it weeks after their second child was born

I'm just speaking of my situation, and apparently Saigon's. I have no intention of abandoning my children emotionally or fiscally. In fact, if the current agreement holds, I will have > 50% custody, and I suspect in practice it will be more. I will be paying all of the daycare, so she will actually owe me about $75/month in support, which I don't honestly expect to see.

My point is that, she initiated this whole business, and completely refuses to try and work things out. She is walking out on me, on our family, and I'll be taking a big financial hit on it, and although it's trivial compared to the emotional hit, it's the one thing I may have a modicum of control over. But any time I do anything to cover my ass financially I get the accusation that "it's all about the money for you".

No, it's all about my family, and especially my kids. And I've spent far more effort on trying to save this marriage, and protect my relationship with my kids. So, actually it seems that, for her, it's all about the money.
Armitage

 

[MystikMango]

I'm divorced, so I'm going to give some advice, and I hope it is followed.

When it comes to child support payments, please consider using your laywer as the intermediary to disburse payments (ie. make her get her checks from him).

During the divorce proceedings, my ex-wife and I were very civil, and agreed that money wasn't an issue... we have to think of the children. Blah, blah, blah. I have only 40% custody, which means that the kids (2) live with her, and I get them every other weekend. This comes out to about $950 a month for both... or $11,400 a year.

Within the first year, my ex-wife got a new car... a Navigator. Her arguement was she needed a car for the children, I wanted them to be safe didn't I?

Then she bought a house... and 6 months later added a swiming pool.

The next summer she bought a pair of jet-skis. Need I go on?

After the jet-skis, I contacted my lawyer, and he suggested I go through him to fulfill my obligations and to ensure my ex-wife used the funds I was giving her correctly. Now (6 years later) my ex-wife has to show bills or receipts and my lawyer makes payments to her. Since this has been started, there have been no new "large purchases". Now I know that my money is going to food, clothing, bills, to keep a roof over my kids (13 & 15).

Just something to consider.

 

[Armitage]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: Skoorb

After reading all the divorce/wife threads this week i completely understand why those guys whacked them.

Man I was thinking the exact same thing! To be with somebody for so long and then have them turn on you in such a way...so vindictive, and just beating while you're down. It's not right!

I've learned that a woman can completely change overnight. Its like they become a completely different person. And here we see another classic example. They can be completely loving and supportive and then they just snap and go off the deep end.

I'll second that

 

[Armitage]

Another thing Saigon ... I'm sure it's been mentioned earlier in the thread, but if you intend to remain in the same apartment with her, be very careful. Another option for getting you out on her timetable (and getting what she wants with the kids) is a false domestic violence charge. She gives herself a black eye, and calls the police, then it's simply your word against hers. In Colorado, if the police are called for a domestic violence complaint, they have to leave with one of the parties in their custody, and it will almost certainly be the guy.

Don't so much as raise your voice to her, and keep you distance. If things get hot, leave the apartment (but not the property), or call a friend/family so they can hear what's going on. I'm sure you're thinking she would never do anything like that ... but then you didn't expect to be in this situation at all.

If it's legal in your state, you might consider getting a voice recorder to help cover your ass.

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: Zombie
What is the point of all this nonsense? Just move out and be done with it.

You move out you lose your parental rights...plain and simple. And I am NOT going to do that!

 

[badluck]

bump for the update...nothing like a good soap opera.....

 

[SaigonK]

And another update!

So we went to our case management today.

In maine the steps are as follows:
1. You file and answer
2. You go to case management
3. You go to mediation - its the law here that you have to go at least once.
4. you can then go to get a court date or get a guardian involved (we are going to do this) and wait until they are finished reviewing you, your wife and your entire family
and then they come up with a recommendation.
5. You go to court, the judge decides (because you cant agree) and he signs the paperwork.
6. 60 day mandatory cooling period, after which time the signed sheet goes into effect and you are no officially divorced.


So we are now up to step 3. We went to see our case manager today, some arguing between attornies was done but nothing major. They wanted me to agree to move out and agree to a few hour visits here and there and one overnight until the kids get used to my new place..i said no...there is no reason for that type of scenario...off to mediation we go!

Normally you have to wait about 1 month before you go to mediation or more, but they were able to squeeze us in for Feb. 19th (next Thursday). My original intention was to get the girls 50% of the time, one week on and then one week off. She wont agree to that in any way so now we have to compromise....I came up with a plan that i think works so my lawyer is going to submit it for "approval: from them.

It basically works out to be 3 days for me / 4 days for her one week and then the next week it is 3 days for her and then four days for me. Pretty fair if you ask me and this means we both wont have to be without the girls for 7-8 days at a time.


===-

 

[dxkj]

That would be weird for the kid wouldnt it? To have two completely different "rooms" or homes?


Either way, good luck. Stick with the custody thing!




PS why is it that if you both have the kids 50% of the time, that you still have to pay child support? That part doesnt make sense to me.

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: dxkj
That would be weird for the kid wouldnt it? To have two completely different "rooms" or homes? Either way, good luck. Stick with the custody thing! PS why is it that if you both have the kids 50% of the time, that you still have to pay child support? That part doesnt make sense to me.

I make allot more money than she does, the state here tries to equal out the money for each party.
I dont think it is a bad thing, but in a case like mine where I intend to get them 50% of the time and have to pay the bills when they arw with me, why should I still pay? Go figure..its a small price to keep my kids and our relationship!

Here is a copy of what I think would work for us schedule wise:

HERE


Red is her and blue is me.....

 

[Nocturnal]

You should edit your OP to show your updates. I hate searching through tons of posts just to find the update.

 

[SaigonK]

done!

 

[Kilrsat]

Originally posted by: SaigonK
And another update!

So we went to our case management today.

In maine the steps are as follows:
1. You file and answer
2. You go to case management
3. You go to mediation - its the law here that you have to go at least once.
4. you can then go to get a court date or get a guardian involved (we are going to do this) and wait until they are finished reviewing you, your wife and your entire family
and then they come up with a recommendation.
5. You go to court, the judge decides (because you cant agree) and he signs the paperwork.
6. 60 day mandatory cooling period, after which time the signed sheet goes into effect and you are no officially divorced.


So we are now up to step 3. We went to see our case manager today, some arguing between attornies was done but nothing major. They wanted me to agree to move out and agree to a few hour visits here and there and one overnight until the kids get used to my new place..i said no...there is no reason for that type of scenario...off to mediation we go!

Normally you have to wait about 1 month before you go to mediation or more, but they were able to squeeze us in for Feb. 19th (next Thursday). My original intention was to get the girls 50% of the time, one week on and then one week off. She wont agree to that in any way so now we have to compromise....I came up with a plan that i think works so my lawyer is going to submit it for "approval: from them.

It basically works out to be 3 days for me / 4 days for her one week and then the next week it is 3 days for her and then four days for me. Pretty fair if you ask me and this means we both wont have to be without the girls for 7-8 days at a time.


===-

Run this one past her. Remember that you have as much of a right to full custody of the children as she does. If she doesn't want to listen to your plan for a fair joint custody arrangment, push for full custody. See how quickly she will change her tune.

My brother went through a rather ugly divorce (lasted over a year, he spent a weekend in jail based on a false complaint issued by his ex, etc), but he finally walked away with full custody of both of their children. His ex was ordered to pay a whole $100/month in child support, she's made a grand total of 1 payment.

If she wants to fight dirty, sometimes you have to get down. Leave the joint custody offer out there as a compromise, but keep pushing.

Good luck.

 

[Armitage]

Originally posted by: dxkj
That would be weird for the kid wouldnt it? To have two completely different "rooms" or homes?


Either way, good luck. Stick with the custody thing!




PS why is it that if you both have the kids 50% of the time, that you still have to pay child support? That part doesnt make sense to me.

I'm in the middle of a similar mess. My counselor has suggested that this is actually the best way to explain it to kids ... at least young kids (I think Saigon's are older then mine (2 & 5)).

Rather then try to explain the whole divorce bit, just explain that mommy and daddy don't want to live together anymore, so we're going to have two houses now.

Of course, I'm now in the mode of constantly explaining that mommy isn't coming to bed in this house any more, or why their favorite toy or piece of clothing isn't at my house anymore, etc.

Be ready @ mediation Saigon. Whatever you think you've worked out with her ... prepare for it to go out the window. I thought I had things worked out with my wife going into mediation last week ... then she comes out and asks for everything, in complete disreagrd for what we had agreed. I had expected to come out of that session with nearly the final agreement. Instead we spent about $2K between us on that session, between lawyers fees & mediation fees, and came out with absolutely nothing.

Her excuse: Her lawyer doesn't think she's getting a fair deal, so he "made" her ask for more even though she didn't want to :Q What a crock of sh|t, but I've since heard from a few people that that is a common tactic. Even if there is an agreement, one of the lawyers tryies to push for everything ... if for nothing else, then to prolong the case so they get more cash I guess.

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: ergeorge

Originally posted by: dxkj That would be weird for the kid wouldnt it? To have two completely different "rooms" or homes? Either way, good luck. Stick with the custody thing! PS why is it that if you both have the kids 50% of the time, that you still have to pay child support? That part doesnt make sense to me.

I'm in the middle of a similar mess. My counselor has suggested that this is actually the best way to explain it to kids ... at least young kids (I think Saigon's are older then mine (2 & 5)). Rather then try to explain the whole divorce bit, just explain that mommy and daddy don't want to live together anymore, so we're going to have two houses now. Of course, I'm now in the mode of constantly explaining that mommy isn't coming to bed in this house any more, or why their favorite toy or piece of clothing isn't at my house anymore, etc. Be ready @ mediation Saigon. Whatever you think you've worked out with her ... prepare for it to go out the window. I thought I had things worked out with my wife going into mediation last week ... then she comes out and asks for everything, in complete disreagrd for what we had agreed. I had expected to come out of that session with nearly the final agreement. Instead we spent about $2K between us on that session, between lawyers fees & mediation fees, and came out with absolutely nothing. Her excuse: Her lawyer doesn't think she's getting a fair deal, so he "made" her ask for more even though she didn't want to :Q What a crock of sh|t, but I've since heard from a few people that that is a common tactic. Even if there is an agreement, one of the lawyers tryies to push for everything ... if for nothing else, then to prolong the case so they get more cash I guess.

My kids are older, (9 & 11) and it is tough to try and work out agreements.
The sad and worrisome part is that i want her to have the kids 50%, I dont want to have to get ugly, I know that is not reality and I should be looking out for numero uno but she is a good mother and she loves the girls. I just think she is blindsided by her anger with me and my refusal to back down from her demands. This of course makes her angrier and then she demands more of what she thinks will make me back down.


Wierd eh? I am really hoping we can work something out, I dont want a judge deciding for us...i am sure she doesnt either, the case manager today told us this in a plain, matter of fact way.
That the last thing we want is someone behind a bench deciding what is the best plan for us and our children...I agree...but at times I dont see a solution.


Some other issues for me are the jealousy, the fear of being alone and the fear that she will move on to someone else at any moment.
I know these things happen, I know it is the way life works, but I dont have to be happy about it. I went on one date, she wasnt my type and I am not interested. I dont mention these things to my wife.
Yet today before our court date, my wife starts making small talk about some guy that owns a club here in town. I am thinking how the hell does she know this guy? Apparently when she went to dinner with some mutal friends of ours he was invited along. I know she can do what she wants..but why bring it up? why talk about it with me?

The other thing is she is dieting really hard now, suddenly she is very hardcore about it, and she is buying newer, slinkier undergarments, that frankly i dont think look good on her...but whatever...

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: SaigonK

Originally posted by: ergeorge

Originally posted by: dxkj That would be weird for the kid wouldnt it? To have two completely different "rooms" or homes? Either way, good luck. Stick with the custody thing! PS why is it that if you both have the kids 50% of the time, that you still have to pay child support? That part doesnt make sense to me.

I'm in the middle of a similar mess. My counselor has suggested that this is actually the best way to explain it to kids ... at least young kids (I think Saigon's are older then mine (2 & 5)). Rather then try to explain the whole divorce bit, just explain that mommy and daddy don't want to live together anymore, so we're going to have two houses now. Of course, I'm now in the mode of constantly explaining that mommy isn't coming to bed in this house any more, or why their favorite toy or piece of clothing isn't at my house anymore, etc. Be ready @ mediation Saigon. Whatever you think you've worked out with her ... prepare for it to go out the window. I thought I had things worked out with my wife going into mediation last week ... then she comes out and asks for everything, in complete disreagrd for what we had agreed. I had expected to come out of that session with nearly the final agreement. Instead we spent about $2K between us on that session, between lawyers fees & mediation fees, and came out with absolutely nothing. Her excuse: Her lawyer doesn't think she's getting a fair deal, so he "made" her ask for more even though she didn't want to :Q What a crock of sh|t, but I've since heard from a few people that that is a common tactic. Even if there is an agreement, one of the lawyers tryies to push for everything ... if for nothing else, then to prolong the case so they get more cash I guess.

My kids are older, (9 & 11) and it is tough to try and work out agreements.
The sad and worrisome part is that i want her to have the kids 50%, I dont want to have to get ugly, I know that is not reality and I should be looking out for numero uno but she is a good mother and she loves the girls. I just think she is blindsided by her anger with me and my refusal to back down from her demands. This of course makes her angrier and then she demands more of what she thinks will make me back down.


Wierd eh? I am really hoping we can work something out, I dont want a judge deciding for us...i am sure she doesnt either, the case manager today told us this in a plain, matter of fact way.
That the last thing we want is someone behind a bench deciding what is the best plan for us and our children...I agree...but at times I dont see a solution.


Some other issues for me are the jealousy, the fear of being alone and the fear that she will move on to someone else at any moment.
I know these things happen, I know it is the way life works, but I dont have to be happy about it. I went on one date, she wasnt my type and I am not interested. I dont mention these things to my wife.
Yet today before our court date, my wife starts making small talk about some guy that owns a club here in town. I am thinking how the hell does she know this guy? Apparently when she went to dinner with some mutal friends of ours he was invited along. I know she can do what she wants..but why bring it up? why talk about it with me?

The other thing is she is dieting really hard now, suddenly she is very hardcore about it, and she is buying newer, slinkier undergarments, that frankly i dont think look good on her...but whatever...

Whether you "mention" these things to your ex or not fact is you're ready to at least start dating,so be prepared for her to do the same

Btw,since those undergarmets aren't being worn to attract you it's good you don't like the look of them on her eh?

 

[SaigonK]

Q] Whether you "mention" these things to your ex or not fact is you're ready to at least start dating,so be prepared for her to do the same Btw,since those undergarmets aren't being worn to attract you it's good you don't like the look of them on her eh?[/quote]

I guess so, its just a tought hing to still be in the same house and know your other half might be getting setup with people by mutual friends, etc.
One of the two women and her husband that went out to dinner with her when the other friend brought along her guy friend (boy that is confusing) is really close to me, perhaps she told me so that i wouldnt find out from them. So that I wouldnt run into this guy somewhere with them and be blind sided...or maybe she didnt even know and she isnt even interested and he is just a friend of someone else that happened to go to dinner...who knows....

Either way it doesnt matter, I was pretty upset yesterday when i came back here after our court meeting. I wanted to tell her last night that I still love her and that I want to work this thing out.
I know that it will 99.9% not do any good, but maybe that .1% chance will be there and she will give it a chance....not sure what to do there.

Since December of last year i have not told her i love her, i have not been very friendly either, I am in a "tolerate you only" mode, but the reality sunk in again for me when we were in that room with our lawyers arguing our points. It all came back to me that this is for real, that it isnt fake.....that is the hardest part.

 

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: SaigonK

Originally posted by: ergeorge

Originally posted by: dxkj That would be weird for the kid wouldnt it? To have two completely different "rooms" or homes? Either way, good luck. Stick with the custody thing! PS why is it that if you both have the kids 50% of the time, that you still have to pay child support? That part doesnt make sense to me.

I'm in the middle of a similar mess. My counselor has suggested that this is actually the best way to explain it to kids ... at least young kids (I think Saigon's are older then mine (2 & 5)). Rather then try to explain the whole divorce bit, just explain that mommy and daddy don't want to live together anymore, so we're going to have two houses now. Of course, I'm now in the mode of constantly explaining that mommy isn't coming to bed in this house any more, or why their favorite toy or piece of clothing isn't at my house anymore, etc. Be ready @ mediation Saigon. Whatever you think you've worked out with her ... prepare for it to go out the window. I thought I had things worked out with my wife going into mediation last week ... then she comes out and asks for everything, in complete disreagrd for what we had agreed. I had expected to come out of that session with nearly the final agreement. Instead we spent about $2K between us on that session, between lawyers fees & mediation fees, and came out with absolutely nothing. Her excuse: Her lawyer doesn't think she's getting a fair deal, so he "made" her ask for more even though she didn't want to :Q What a crock of sh|t, but I've since heard from a few people that that is a common tactic. Even if there is an agreement, one of the lawyers tryies to push for everything ... if for nothing else, then to prolong the case so they get more cash I guess.

My kids are older, (9 & 11) and it is tough to try and work out agreements.
The sad and worrisome part is that i want her to have the kids 50%, I dont want to have to get ugly, I know that is not reality and I should be looking out for numero uno but she is a good mother and she loves the girls. I just think she is blindsided by her anger with me and my refusal to back down from her demands. This of course makes her angrier and then she demands more of what she thinks will make me back down.


Wierd eh? I am really hoping we can work something out, I dont want a judge deciding for us...i am sure she doesnt either, the case manager today told us this in a plain, matter of fact way.
That the last thing we want is someone behind a bench deciding what is the best plan for us and our children...I agree...but at times I dont see a solution.


Some other issues for me are the jealousy, the fear of being alone and the fear that she will move on to someone else at any moment.
I know these things happen, I know it is the way life works, but I dont have to be happy about it. I went on one date, she wasnt my type and I am not interested. I dont mention these things to my wife.
Yet today before our court date, my wife starts making small talk about some guy that owns a club here in town. I am thinking how the hell does she know this guy? Apparently when she went to dinner with some mutal friends of ours he was invited along. I know she can do what she wants..but why bring it up? why talk about it with me?

The other thing is she is dieting really hard now, suddenly she is very hardcore about it, and she is buying newer, slinkier undergarments, that frankly i dont think look good on her...but whatever...

She is feverishly entering the dating scene. Oh, and experience tells us that dating during a divorce is generally a bad idea. Get your head on straight first.

And she is telling you these things to hurt you. If I know women (and I think I do) she'll be doing everything she can to hurt you. evil vindicative creatures they are.

 

[conjur]

Originally posted by: SaigonK

It basically works out to be 3 days for me / 4 days for her one week and then the next week it is 3 days for her and then four days for me. Pretty fair if you ask me and this means we both wont have to be without the girls for 7-8 days at a time

Schedule <a class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.is12.net/data/schedule1.doc" target=blank><STRONG>HERE</STRONG></A>

I'd like to do something similar but I usually end up seeing the girls at some point during the weeks I don't have them (school activities or one gets sick or something)


Hang in there, man...and stick to your guns!

 

[SaigonK]

Bump for an update!

 

[conjur]

That is really going to piss off my wife, she seems to be that much more interested in my money now. Before she would state that it wasnt baout the money, but about the kids. Well that seems to have cganged since she found out if I want thekids 50% of the time she only gets $60 a week form me. Oh how the mighty have fallen into a vicious trap! Money! Money! Money! She wants it!

That's because she's finally realizing that, to live on her own, is going to cut into the standard of living she was used to.

Tough luck, b!tch!! :evil:

 

[ragazzo]

go flirt with your coworker and post updates

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: ragazzo
go flirt with your coworker and post updates

Ok...i will work on it.

 

[SaigonK]

Bump for an update!