Gender Humor Thread

[jTanked]

Let's get a thread started just for "already told her once" and "he caught it in the zipper. again" jokes.

I'll kick it off:
___________

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

 

[Ruptga]

A noble attempt, but I award you no points :\

 

[jTanked]

A noble attempt, but I award you no points :\

 

[jTanked]

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?” The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

 

[jTanked]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."

 

[Tristicus]

Just stop.

 

[jTanked]

Just stop.

I'm actually hoping someone with something FUNNY will post.

 

[jTanked]

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

 

[jTanked]

If only:

"The good wife's guide" This is an actual article from the Housekeeping Monthly Magazine 13 May 1955

Ø Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Ø Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Ø Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Ø Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

Ø Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then tables.

Ø Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Ø Prepare the childrens. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Ø Be happy to see him.

Ø Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Ø Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Ø Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Ø Your goal: to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself.

Ø Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

Ø Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as a minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Ø Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Ø Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Ø Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

Ø A good wife always knows her place.

 

[BoomerD]

The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He is still alive and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.

 

[BoomerD]

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

[Ruptga]

Boomer might have just saved the thread. I'll be sure to pass this advice on to my fiancee

 

[jTanked]

 

[jTanked]

This woman of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy. The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"

 

[jTanked]

A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer.

The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"

 

[jTanked]

Here's one for the other sex:

The lucky sex

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. We never ejaculate prematurely.

4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

5. When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blowup doll, it's pathetic.

6. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

9. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

10. Taxis stop for us.

11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

12. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

13. Free drinks, free dinners, free moving (you get the point?).

14. We can hug our friend without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

15. We know the truth about whether size matters.

16. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

17. If we have sex with someone and don't call the next day, we're not the devil.

18. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

19. We can sleep our way to the top.

20. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.

21. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

22. No fashion faux pas we make could rival Speedos.

23. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

24. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.

25. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

26. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

27. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her arse.

28. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

29. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

30. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

31. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

32. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

33. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

34. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

35. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

36. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.

37. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

38. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

 

[Itchrelief]

Paraphrasing, as I don't remember the joke exactly. I may have originally seen it here.


A man and a woman are fast asleep in bed, post-coitus, when a car drives up and stops outside the house.

The woman wakes up and screams, "Oh no, that must be my husband!"

The man leaps out of bed, jumps out of the window, and starts running.

A few minutes later, he storms back into the house and says to the woman in an accusatory manner, "I AM your husband!"

The woman replies, "Yeah, so why were you running?"

 

[jTanked]

heeheehee

 

[coldmeat]

The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He is still alive and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.

Lines like this completely ruin a good joke. It should end at the punchline.

 

[jTanked]

A man walks into a building and gets into the elevator. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the fifth floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the lift and leans seductively against the wall.

The man doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous.

The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor.

At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.

Then she says "Make a woman out of me".

He unbuttons his shirt,throws it on the floor and replies - "Alright, iron that."

 

[jTanked]

Did you hear about the call girl who accidentally made two appointments at the same time?

She managed to squeeze them both in.

 

[Tweak155]

Why did the woman cross the road?


Who cares, what the HELL was she doing out of the kitchen?

 

[jTanked]

A young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant.

"Doctor," she explained, "This baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl's breasts.

Next, he unbuttoned her blouse, removed her bra and began powerfully sucking on one of her nipples.

"Young lady," he finally announced, "No wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!"

"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

 

[jTanked]

Why don't women wear dresses in the winter?

They don't want to get chapped lips.

 

[kranky]

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

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Now for the other side... The local YWCA is offering classes targeted at men...

How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.

Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

After-dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.

Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Learning How to Find Things - Start with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open Forum.

Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
Driving Simulations.

Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Calling When You're Going to be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used.
Live Demonstration.