Gender Humor Thread

[jTanked]

Womens Courses

Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11.Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

 

[jTanked]

The five toughest questions women ask - and their answers:
1. `What are you thinking?'
2. `Do you love me?'
3. `Do I look fat?'
4. `Do you think she's prettier than me?'
5. `What would you do if I died?'

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1. `What are you thinking?'
The proper answer to this question, of course, is: 'I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.' Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - football.
b - baseball.
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married with Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. His answer: 'If I wanted you to know I'd be talking instead of thinking'

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2. 'Do you love me?'
The correct answer to this question is, 'Yes.'
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer. 'Yes dear.'

Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by 'love'.
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3. 'Do I look fat?'
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,
'No, of course not' and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4. 'Do you think she's prettier than me?'
The 'she' in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passerby you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response is: 'No, you are much prettier.'

Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5. 'What would you do if I died?'

Correct answer: 'Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first truck that came my way.'

This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

'Dear,' said the wife, `what would you do if I died?'

'why, dear, I would be extremely upset,' said the husband. 'Why do you ask such a question?'

'Would you remarry?' persevered the wife.

'No, of course not, dear,' said the husband.

'Don't you like being married?' said the wife.

'Of course I do, dear,' he said.

'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

'All right,' said the husband, 'I'd remarry.'

'You would?' said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

'Yes,' said the husband.

`Would you sleep with her in our bed?' said the wife after a long pause.

'Well yes, I suppose I would,' replied the husband.

'I see,' said the wife indignantly. 'And would you let her wear my old clothes?'

'I suppose, if she wanted to,' said the husband.

'Really,' said the wife icily. `And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?'

'Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.'

'Is that so?' said the wife, leaping to her feet. 'And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too.'

'Of course not, dear,' said the husband. 'She's left-handed.'

 

[jTanked]

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, sweetie, If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging rose garden."

 

[jTanked]

Q. Why do women have breasts?

A. So men will talk to them.

 

[jTanked]

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

 

[jTanked]

A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"

 

[jTanked]

I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year.

All these years I've been eating them raw.

 

[jTanked]

A girl and boy had been having a relationship for about four months and one Friday night after work they meet in a bar. They stay for a few drinks and then go on to get some food at a restaurant near their respective houses. They eat then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:
Well, Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been me because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something, so I ask him and he says no, but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means, because you know he doesn't say it back or anything, so when we get back to his place I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and, I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks any more, I mean, do you think he's met someone else?

His story:
Shit day at work. Great shag later.

 

[jTanked]

A woman was checking out at the grocery store with a quart of milk, a head of lettuce, and a tomato.

A drunk was in line behind her, staring at her and her purchases and said, "You must be single!".

Amazed, the woman looks over her items trying to figure out how the guy could tell by what she bought, and said, "Yes, I am, but how could you possibly tell?"

The drunk replied, "Because you're ugly as hell!"

 

[jTanked]

What do you call Alaskan lesbians?

Klondikes.

 

[jTanked]

Your girlfriend is ugly when...

(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.

(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.

(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.

(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.

(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.

(6) She makes onions cry.

(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.

(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.

(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

 

[jTanked]

Why did the Avon lady walk funny?

Her lipstick.

 

[jTanked]

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

 

[jTanked]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was very strong and things went from bad to worse when one wing of the plane was struck by lightning.

One woman in particular lost it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells,
'Well, if I'm going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman. Well, I'm fed up with it. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'

For a moment there is silence.

Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

'I can make you feel like a woman,' he says.

He's gorgeous. Tall, well built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation.

The stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, he extends his arm holding the shirt to the trembling woman and says.
'Iron this.'

 

[jTanked]

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late.

One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep.

Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up.

His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

 

[OverVolt]

Tldr

 

[0roo0roo]

http://jezebel.com/5543919/the-problem-with-representations-of-women-in-comics
women just don't get it sometimes.
from that site you learn, all women play video games, if not for sexist boys. all women read comics, if not for sexist drawings, and all women would watch the wnba, if not for reality.

 

[IronWing]

This woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor, with a grave look on his face, says "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong?"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says "A hermaphrodite... what's that?"
The doctor says "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features... of both a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"




Recycled yes but I like it.