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Funniest Joke I've ever heard.

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Two cannibals were standing around a large cauldron stirring the evenings meal. The first one says "Man, I really hate my mother-in-law". Then the second one says "Well, just eat the potatoes then !".
 
Originally posted by: RalphKramden
How about the perennial:

What did the canibal do when he dumped his girlfriend?


Wiped his ass.
Click to expand...

The comedian Emo Philips tells one along those lines. He was sent to the principal's office once, where the principal told him: "I could expel you", to which he replies, "You'd have to catch and eat me first!"
 
Math jokes. You have to know math to appreciate them...

Q. What do you get when you cross a turtle and a rabbit?












A. |Turtle||Rabbit| sin x



Q. What do you get when you cross a turtle with a mountain climber?












A. Undefined... a mountain climber is a scalar, you can't cross with a scalar!



You know you're a geek (and an engineer 😉 ) when you laugh at those jokes...
 
Two bulls were sitting atop a knoll, a father bull and his son; down in the valley below them a herd of cows are grazing. The son says "hey dad, let's run down there and fook one of them cows." The father turns and looks at his son and says, "son, let's WALK down there and fook them all."

Rogo
 
One more

A woman with no arms and legs is laying on the beach. She is dreaming about being screwed since she's never had it before, when a nice looking young man walks by. She manages to talk to him and so he moves closer to listen to what she has to say. She says to him that she's never been screwed and so she looks at him and asks him if he would screw her. So, the young man picks her up and runs towards the surf, a few yards out into the ocean he promptly throws her in and yells at her, "now you're screwed."

I know it's bad

Rogo
 
This is long, but definitely one of my favorites...
---------------------------------------------------

There was a priest walking down by the river one day when a fisherman spotted him and invited him to fish with him for a while and the priest accepts his offer.

30 minutes later the priest catches a huge fish and pulls it on the the side of the river, the fisherman overwelmed with the priest's catch says " Jesus thats a big Fvcker".

The priests being a man of the cloth scolds the fisherman for using such foul language but the fisherman being a quick thinking man explains that the fish is actually called a Fvcker, the priest apologizes for going off at the fisherman.

Not long after, the priest bids farewell to the fisherman and takes his fish back to the monastry where he sees the Bishop.

"Hey Bishop look at this big Fvcker I caught", the Bishop yelled at the priest for using such foul language, the priest explained that the fish was called a Fvcker.

The Bishop apologizes and says "well how about I go clean the Fvcker".

After cleaning the fish the Bishop runs into the Mother Superior, "look at this big Fvcker the priest caught", the mother superior looked shocked and yelled at the Bishop for using such foul language in a place of worship, the Bishop then explained that the fish was called a Fvcker, the mother superior apologizes and says " how about I go cook the Fvcker".

Well, that night the Pope comes around for dinner.

They're seated at the table when the mother superior brings in the fish on a plate and places it on the table.

The priest with a big smile on his face says " I caught that Fvcker " then the Bishop says "and I cleaned the Fvcker" then the Mother superior says " and I cooked the Fvcker".

The Pope stares at them with a steely gaze then all of a sudden kicks off his slippers, puts his feet on the table, slams a straight shot of whiskey, lights up a cigar and says "hey, you know, you b!tches are all right!".
 
OK, after reading all this I'll throw my favorite in here:

A man is driving cross-country and notices an apple stand on the side of the road with a big sign that reads "Apples $1". Being curious he approached the stand and asks "Why are your apples 1 dollar?". The vendor replies "These are the best damn apples around, they taste like peanut butter and jelly". "Really? replies the man and proceeds to purchase an apple. He takes a bite and says "Hmm, creamy peanut butter, but where's the jelly?". The vendor says "Turn it over". The man turns the apple over and takes another bite, "Mmmm, delicious grape jelly".
On his next road trip he sees the same apple stand but this time it reads "Apples $2". So again he asks, "Why are your apples 2 dollars?". The vendor replies "These apples are better than before, they taste like ham and cheese". "Really? replies the man and proceeds to purchase an apple. He takes a bite and says "Hmm, delicious ham, but I don't taste the cheese?". The vendor says "Turn it over". The man turns the apple over and takes another bite, "Mmmm, tasty cheese."
Finally on his final road trip he sees the same vendor again but now the sign reads "Apples $5". Not being able to imagine why an apple would cost so much he asked, "Why are your apples 5 dollars?" The vendor replies, "These are the best apples yet, they taste like p*ssy". The man quickly whips out 5 dollars, hands it to the vendor and takes a big bite of an apple. He heaves over and spits it out, "This tasts like sh*t". The vendor replies, "Turn it over".

🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂
 
Originally posted by: davestar
a buddist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says to the vendor, "make me one with everything." (get it?) and if you don't get that one: what did one lesbian vampire say to the other? see you next month
Click to expand...

OMFG man, that is going in my sig!!!
 
One of my all time favs...giving props to my friend Drew for this one...

Ask your buddies " What has 1 eye, 2 thumbs, and loves blow jobs? When they say they dont know...

Close one eye....give them 2 thumbs up...and saw "ME" in the best pirate voice you can.

I laughed so damn hard the first time I heard that joke
 
Originally posted by: yobarman
Why does Hellan Keller need two hands to masturbate?












One to do it, and one to moan.
Click to expand...


Why cant Hellen Keller drive???








cause she's a woman.

--------------------------

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other??






see ya next month...
 
Another ripped from google 😉

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The judge said, "Mickey,

I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane."

Mickey said, "I didn't say she was insane, I said she was fvcking Goofy!"
 
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