Suggestions for the ex-submariner that misses "the good old days on the boat":
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. 6 hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain. shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".
2. Don't eat any food that you don't get out of a can or have to add water to.
3. Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sunlight. Hang out in such areas as dark theaters, windowless buildings, closets, etc.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.
5. Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
6. Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and the motor running, but don't go anywhere.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".
8. Don't watch T.V. except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
9. Don't do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundromat you can find.
10. (Optional for Nukes and A-Div) Leave lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level.
11. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
12. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
13. Sleep with your dirty laundry.
14. Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.
15 Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in your kitchen.
16. Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
17. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread, if anything. (Optional--canned ravioli or cold soup)
18. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
19. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.
20. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together.
21. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
22. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.
23. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning.
24. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
25. Check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".
26. Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.
27. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
28. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
29. Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep", run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea".
30. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
31. Write a controlled work package to change the oil on your car.
They payed me extra tax payer money just for being at sea, can you believe it?
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