Originally posted by: jimkyser
A Tale of Two Cows:
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CHRISTIAN: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
MICROSOFT: You buy the rights to two cows. You 'upgrade' them until they're bloated, unproductive and will only survive on MicrosoftFeed (tm). The milk they give can only be drunk from MicrosoftCups (tm) - Annoyingly, they keep getting a virus and dying.
APPLE: You have two cows. They're translucent! You can see all the guts and stuff. The cows cost more than other cows, but goddamn if they aren't the best-looking cows around.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows, but the milkmaid charges too much to milk them. You sell both cows, lay off the milkmaid, and move to mexico, where you can buy 100 cows and 20 milkmaids with the money and export it back to the States.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take your cows
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are an eleventh the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you're not sure where they are. You'll look for them tomorrow.
SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
TALIBAN ORGANIZATION: You have two cows. You load them up with explosives and herd them onto your neighbor's property where you blow them up. Your neighbor dies. You starve to death.
FREE AGENT: You have two cows. Despite the constant attention you pay them, there are frequent dry spells during which they don't give milk.
PINK SLIPPER: You have two cows. Suddenly they become a liability and you're forced to sell them on Ebay to pay your exorbitant rent.
DOT-COMMER: You have two cows. A week later you have two thousand cows. A week later you have none.
ENTREPRENEUR: You have two cows. You develop and launch tucows.com.
VENTURE CAPITALIST: You have two cows. You give them to the entrepreneur (see above).
CEO: You think you have two cows. You actually have two sheep, but no one's got the guts to tell you.
ANGEL INVESTOR: You have two cows. You give one to a start-up. The cow produces no milk. You exercise your exit option and get your cow back.
START-UP: You have two cows; your press release describes that as an IPO fast track.
START-UP II v2: You have two cows and 20 million in funding. publicly you promise 50 million gallons a year within two years, but privately you're still debating where the udders are and what they do.
DESIGNER: You have two cows. You move the udders to the side and paint them fluorescent yellow, hoping that will make the milking process more intuitive and fun.
PROGRAMMER: You have two cows. One keeps tipping over, yet nobody is pushing it. The other fails to yield any milk, despite being in good health. You spend nearly every waking minute trying to determine what is wrong with your cows and fixing them.
FILE SHARERS: You have two cows. You share clones of them with all the other herders in the pasture. The courts order the pasture closed for violating the copyright laws.
3D ARTISTS: We make our cows from scratch. They do what we want.
OPEN SOURCE: You have two cows. You invite other herders to improve your cows. You have two cows that are better than before.
GEORGE W. BUSH: One of your daddy's friends gives you two cows ...
NATIVE AMERICAN: You don't own two cows.
BUDDHIST: You are two cows.
ZEN: There are no cows.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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