Do you think marriage is a good idea?

[TheGardener]

It's a great idea, if she will support me in the manner to which I want to be accustomed. Does that make me a feminist?

 

[zCypher]

It's one of those things that has pros and cons and obviously doesn't work for *everyone*. I do know happily married couples, but not that many. The ones that do work out, usually you can tell they're really made for each other, but also both parties put in the required effort to make that partnership work.

Things go a lot better when people are first honest with themselves, and then their potential partner and don't get married for the wrong reasons. But that's not always the case. It is unsurprising why a lot of them fail. You need a strong foundation of trust, honesty, good communication and so on. Which sounds really obvious, but they are things that often seem to escape people as something to be prioritized.

To answer the question directly; yes, it is a good idea for a lot of reasons - for SOME people.

Also, great posts Kaido.

 

[Linux23]

I think it's a good idea if you want to start a family but only if you truly love and want to spend the rest of your life with the other person. I think too many people now days do it just to try to be conventional, and it fails. Personally I have zero interest in marriage, I just don't really like the idea of constantly having someone else living with me, I'm too introvert for that. I like time to myself.

You don't get lonely or are you a playboy?

 

[Kaido]

It's one of those things that has pros and cons and obviously doesn't work for *everyone*. I do know happily married couples, but not that many. The ones that do work out, usually you can tell they're really made for each other, but also both parties put in the required effort to make that partnership work.

Things go a lot better when people are first honest with themselves, and then their potential partner and don't get married for the wrong reasons. But that's not always the case. It is unsurprising why a lot of them fail. You need a strong foundation of trust, honesty, good communication and so on. Which sounds really obvious, but they are things that often seem to escape people as something to be prioritized.

To answer the question directly; yes, it is a good idea for a lot of reasons - for SOME people.

Also, great posts Kaido.

Thanks! That's the thing...not everyone is ready for or wants a committed relationship. It's a bit like buying a pet...it's not like buying a blender that you can just easily give away or throw away down the road, it's a commitment that needs nurturing.

I think communication is one of the most important thing in a marriage. Weird example, but my friend's parents are really interesting...they are both kind of like Oscar the Grouch, just kind of angry at the world & uptight all the time. I asked the husband once why they weren't divorced & he was really surprised at the question...he said they got along great & communicated well, they just kind of liked being upset all the time lol. So even though on the outside their relationship looked strange, it worked for them because they communicated well. I dunno. That's a bad example but it kind of opened my eyes to the fact that not everyone has the same marriage requirements & things can still function in a non-traditional way if you have good communication.

 

[Mai72]

It depends.

It always depends because what works well for you might not work well for another person. There are people who do very well being alone.

My parents were marriedfir 37 years. My brother has been married for 18 years. I'm not married. But, then again I traveled Asia and had plenty of Asian girlfriends. I enjoy my life. No one to worry about. It's my life to f*ck up. Or, it's my life to do whatever I want. I coukd leave for Vietnam tomorrow. You can't do that with a wife and kids. Well you could, it wouldn't be the correct thing to do.

 

[Kaido]

15 years happily married and it seems like yesterday. I can't remember the last time we fought.

I think that goes back to the communication thing. Like, my wife comes from a family that is very argumentative. Personally, I think arguing is childish & prefer a rational adult discussion, which is basically:

1. Each side speaks their mind & lays their cards on the table
2. The other side actually considers why the other person feels how they do. Sometimes this wakes you up to the fact that you're being mean or selfish or irresponsible & didn't see that before. But sometimes they have legitimate reasons that you just didn't understand before.
3. You make a decision by selecting one of the following options:

a. Their choice
b. Your choice
c. Compromise choice
d. Cancel it

I mean, that's over-simplifying it, but that's the basic idea. My wife's family doesn't hate each other, but on the surface, there's a lot of drama (Italian) & it got real old, real fast because I can only tolerate so much bickering before I'm just done :biggrin: We had to work out how we communicated over time because I always felt like everything became a Big Deal when it didn't need to be, and to her, that was simply how her family had always talked to each other & she didn't realize how it sounded from the outside. Things are much more chill now that we have figured out an agreed-upon way to talk about things that need to get done...we talk instead of fight.

I call this making blueprints...basically you each have a blueprint in your mind for every aspect of your life, whether it's how to handle kids or money or cars or house chores or food. A lot of marriages clash over these blueprints, when what you really need to do is sit down & create a new blueprint, one by one, so that you have a system that you both agree on instead of fighting about. Simple example, we try to go out on a date at least once a week to get out of the house. We'd always run into the classic, "Where do you want to go?" "I don't know.". Changed the blueprint to alternating whose turn it was to pick, and that way we knew who got the final word. Again that's a simple example & it sounds silly to even write out, but it solved the communication issue of sitting there for half an hour trying to decide where to go & then ending up not doing anything half the time.

I have a friend who is a counselor & handles marriage counseling from time to time; he told me he was actually a huge supporter of arranged marriages (he works with a lot of Indian families) because it's kind of the Fiddler on the Roof deal...you get slapped together & have to make it work, and because you're not blindly in love with each other, the first thing you have to do is create a sort of business relationship about who is going to handle what in the marriage, and then eventually fall in love. I thought that was nuts at first, but it makes sense when you think about it...a lot of those marriages not only last but are strong because by the time they fall in love, they've already worked out their lives together, trust each other, communicate with each other, etc.

I'm a big fan of implementing self-managing systems as well. I mentioned my fairly basic personal financial system in another thread, but in a nutshell, we have his & hers separate reloadable debit cards (AMEX Serve) plus a CC with $1k on it for gas & emergencies. The reloadable cards get a fixed allowance every week, and any bills come out of shared checking from our bank account, that way everything is kept separate from each other & you never have to worry about a bill coming out when you need to buy something & then having to remember to transfer funds over. That also eliminates having to micro-manage our finances, but in turn keeps us from, as I call it, "drinking from the firehose" by spending directly from the bank account.

Thanks to autopay bills & direct deposit for paychecks, the system is virtually self-managing. I'm not rich by any means, but this has helped to eliminate financial headaches by making things a non-issue. For anything else like budgeting for a vacation, we typically set a savings goal using something like Smartypig & just contribute a small amount to it weekly, automatically. Now, everyone has a different financial situation & personal management system, but this works for us because we've nailed down how we want to do things, we both agreed on it, and it's just one less source of stress that we have to worry about.

This was important for us to figure out because when we got married, I was a spender & she was a saver. I had no real responsibilities outside of a crappy apartment & cheap car lease, so I blew all of my money on computer crap because why not? She came from a family of savers. She would stress about spending anything because the mantra she had grown up with was "save, save, save" with no real purpose other than the emotional hammer of "spending money is bad", so she'd feel guilty any time she bought something that wasn't the cheapest option out there. It was like a pendulum...we were both on extreme sides of the swing & needed a middle ground. Ultimately we came up with a system where we implemented a good savings program (401k etc.), an allowance system that allowed us both to have a set amount to spend freely & not feel guilty about, and also made sure that we didn't spend outside our means. And fortunately, we both were big believers in not getting into debt outside of school/house/car payments, which I think really helped out a ton by not getting into huge self-inflicted financial trouble because we never bought any other big-ticket items we couldn't afford (my ATOT jet will have to wait ).

I think when you leave a lot of things up in the air & unresolved, that creates a lot of stress. I've seen this over & over again when friends have gotten divorced...they start fighting about every little thing & often start fighting in public as well. It's obvious their communication is pretty bad because, aside from being nasty to each other, they've never really taken the time to go through all of the things one-by-one in their lives & create agreed-upon systems for dealing with them, so everything reaches a point where they just kind of explode at each other. Marriage is awesome, but it's also hard work & involves crappy things like having to compromise & not getting what you want when you otherwise would if you were single. But there are also numerous short-term & long-term benefits. I also think people reach different stages of their lives. I've had friends who weren't ready to get married until they were in their 40's or 50's. I've had some who have gotten married right out of high school & are still together today. Every situation is unique.

 

[Kaido]

It depends.

It always depends because what works well for you might not work well for another person. There are people who do very well being alone.

My parents were marriedfir 37 years. My brother has been married for 18 years. I'm not married. But, then again I traveled Asia and had plenty of Asian girlfriends. I enjoy my life. No one to worry about. It's my life to f*ck up. Or, it's my life to do whatever I want. I coukd leave for Vietnam tomorrow. You can't do that with a wife and kids. Well you could, it wouldn't be the correct thing to do.

You're right, and I think it's smarter to recognize what stage you're at in life than try to force yourself to fit in because you don't want to. I've had more than one friend who has gotten married when they weren't ready because their partner pushed them into it, and they aren't real happy campers because it's not something they were ready for or wanted or were prepared for. And just because you don't want something now doesn't mean you'll never want it in the future. A lot of people go through the cycle of date in high school, party in college, work in their 20's, and then realize they're lonely and want something more permanent. Everybody's different. Marriage is as good of an idea as you want it to be.

It's important to pick the right spouse too. I've had a couple friends who have married bombshells because of their beauty, but who have absolutely wrecked them financially. Hard to keep the relationship going when the well runs dry & they're used to a certain lifestyle! That doesn't mean you need to pick somebody frugal, just someone who is on the same page as you helps quite a bit.

 

[Sho'Nuff]

Gen x'er here. Wife and I have been together for 17 years. 14 of which we have been married. We have 2 kids, and are happy - both in life and with each other. Qualifies as a successful marriage to me.

 

[Red Squirrel]

You don't get lonely or are you a playboy?

Not really, I still have friends over every now and then, talk to friends a lot through internet, visit family etc. If I did not do any of those things then I possibly would start to feel lonely I imagine.

 

[zerocool84]

Really though, if you love each other, it shouldn't matter whether you're married or not. You shouldn't have to have a contract to show someone you love them. It's just something we do because it's been done for so long.

 

[Pardus]

I do find dumb people get married and have dumb kids. Then their dumb kids grow up, get married and have even dumber kids. The cycle of stupidity continues.

 

[pcgeek11]

Married for 33 years and happy.

In my opinion the younger generations are not interested in or failing in marriage because they don't or won't take the time and effort it takes to make a marriage work. Or they are too self centered in their own wants to give or make concessions.

Yes, I know some are going to chime in with an argument that " you shouldn't have to work at a marriage ". But they are wrong. It isn't a fairy tale, it takes work and compromise on both sides.

 

[Mai72]

You're right, and I think it's smarter to recognize what stage you're at in life than try to force yourself to fit in because you don't want to. I've had more than one friend who has gotten married when they weren't ready because their partner pushed them into it, and they aren't real happy campers because it's not something they were ready for or wanted or were prepared for. And just because you don't want something now doesn't mean you'll never want it in the future. A lot of people go through the cycle of date in high school, party in college, work in their 20's, and then realize they're lonely and want something more permanent. Everybody's different. Marriage is as good of an idea as you want it to be.

It's important to pick the right spouse too. I've had a couple friends who have married bombshells because of their beauty, but who have absolutely wrecked them financially. Hard to keep the relationship going when the well runs dry & they're used to a certain lifestyle! That doesn't mean you need to pick somebody frugal, just someone who is on the same page as you helps quite a bit.

Pick the right spouse?

There are ZERO guarantees in life. How do you do this? People change as they go thru life. Either you grow together or you dont. It takes work. When I hear "I don't love him anymore" it's such bullshit. No. You stopped doing the things that you did in the beginning of the relationship. That's why you don't love each other anymore. Look at what many couples do. The husband comes home. Plops his ass on the couch. Doesn't talk to his wife. Watches hours of TV and goes to sleep. No wonder it didn't work out.

Being married takes tremoundous energy. You want to fall in love with your husband/wife again? Do the things that you did when you first started to date. Put the energy back into the relationship and you'll probably fall in love all over again.

 

[Kaido]

Pick the right spouse?

There are ZERO guarantees in life. How do you do this? People change as they go thru life. Either you grow together or you dont. It takes work. When I hear "I don't love him anymore" it's such bull. No. You stopped doing the things that you did in the beginning of the relationship.

I think you've highlighted two important points:

1. It's important to make a good choice up-front
2. People change over time, regardless of what you do

Yes, there are no guarantees in life, so the best you can do is make a good choice on the front-end. For example, finances are pretty important to marriage stability (especially in terms of one of the top things that are fought over), so if you're dating someone who is say massively in debt through frivolous spending & doesn't care, that's a red flag for the future because people are habitual in nature. One problem I've seen over & over again is "oh, he or she will change after we get married, I can get them to change". Good luck with that! :awe:

And yes, activity changes are a really big deal. That's the biggest thing I see that happens after the honeymoon period is over - people stop dating each other just because they're married. If you put effort into the chase & then once you get them, you quit working at it, then yeah, it's gonna get boring! Also stepping up from the high school perspective of relationships & realizing that there's the initial super-fun period of dating & then eventually, you're going to get used to each other & learn just about everything worth talking about & then what? You're absolutely right - the magic only wears off when you both quit putting effort into it.

 

[DrDoug]

I've been married for 32 years, and it looks like it's going to become a long term relationship.

Congrats! Thirty years this September and I too think it may last. :awe:

My relationship with my wife is unusual in that we have never fought about anything, ever. Never a foul word to each other, never gone to bed mad at each other, nothing. Our family and friends say we make them sick because we're a perfectly happy couple, unlike too many of them. Until I met my wife I thought I would never meet someone like her, they all just seemed to eventually crash and burn. It's just a matter of finding that one person who you want to be best friends with, forever. I got lucky and I'm damned glad I did.

My wife is my best friend. Always has been and always will be.

 

[Exterous]

Gen X? Man - a lot of old people in this thread

Gen Y and been together for 15 years married for 10. I agree with some of the other comments about people not putting in the effort. Its not all rainbows and unicorns despite the 'find your one true love and everything is perfect' mantra alot of media portrays. I also think effective communication is a big part of getting a marriage to work. Thats sometimes harder than it sounds as seemingly inconsequential word choice can have big impacts on the course of a conversation or argument

 

[DrPizza]

When my wife and I were about to get married, nearly 27 years ago, we had to see the priest at the church that she didn't attend for counseling. My friends who got married at one of the Catholic churches had to go through weeks of counseling/classes on marriage. The first thing the priest asked me is, "why do you want to get married?" I spoke for a minute or two, and his face looked stunned. He pointed out when I finished that I hadn't mentioned, "because we're in love." I said, "oh, well, that too, I figured that was obvious." He then proceeded to mock all the people who came to him and said "we want to get married, because we're in love," and pointed out that while love was a requirement, if that was the main reason, the marriage was off to a bad start, because after a few years, that same idea of love develops into something else. In the early stages, it's more of a puppy love type of feeling, and that almost always fades - at which point, a lot of couples call it quits, or cheat to get that feeling again. So, we've been happily married for going on 3 decades. Unfortunately for you, I don't remember what I told the priest, just that I forgot to mention that we were in love.

And, for 27 years, there have been very few arguments. I've learned not to worry about trivial details, like her having $2k on a credit card, and $5k in the checking account, but breaking the payment to the credit card over 2 months because she doesn't want our checking account balance to go down so much - she'd rather it stay fairly steady, rather than bounce up and down. I tried to explain once, but now just roll my eyes - what's more important - fighting over $15 or 20 in interest every once in a while? That's a trivial amount compared to peace in the home. And, likewise, she doesn't complain about things like me buying lunch 5 days a week and never packing a lunch, despite our joint grocery trip shopping including plenty of lunch foods for me to pack.

 

[nakedfrog]

I think it's a good idea if you want to start a family but only if you truly love and want to spend the rest of your life with the other person. I think too many people now days do it just to try to be conventional, and it fails. Personally I have zero interest in marriage, I just don't really like the idea of constantly having someone else living with me, I'm too introvert for that. I like time to myself.

Get a tiny house and park it in the back yard

I think it's way too easy to get a divorce today. It almost seems as easy as buying something from Best Buy & then returning it these days.

Huh, maybe where you live. It's far easier to get married than it is to get divorced.

 

[Eug]

Been with the same person for 15 years and have two kids. Not married in the traditional sense. Never saw the point. No tax advantage, that's for sure (since we're considered common law anyway by the tax man), and we're not religious. I have no religion, and my wife is non-practicing.

I'm glad we didn't get sucked into putting $$$$$ into an inane wedding ceremony. That went into our mortgage instead. Yeah, you can spend very little on a wedding, but it just floors me how many middle-class people will spend 5 figures on a one-day ceremony.

 

[Kaido]

Huh, maybe where you live. It's far easier to get married than it is to get divorced.

Yes, for sure. But getting divorced today is a lot easier than it was in the past, and also a LOT easier compared to other countries.

For example, my buddy married an Italian girl & moved to Italy. They had a couple kids, things didn't work out, and let's just say he's on year 3 of his divorce proceedings (no joke) & they are still not officially divorced. iirc it's due to the country's religious restrictions. He's back in the states, dating again, but he can't go anywhere with it because he's still married in another country!

 

[sandorski]

Been with the same person for 15 years and have two kids. Not married in the traditional sense. Never saw the point. No tax advantage, that's for sure (since we're considered common law anyway by the tax man), and we're not religious. I have no religion, and my wife is non-practicing.

I'm glad we didn't get sucked into putting $$$$$ into an inane wedding ceremony. That went into our mortgage instead. Yeah, you can spend very little on a wedding, but it just floors me how many middle-class people will spend 5 figures on a one-day ceremony.

I think people spending that kind of money are off to a bad start. Not because of the expense, but because their priorities are skewed. I may be a cheap ass bastard, but the easy part is saying "I do" in front of other people. The celebration should come with proven success, not the presumption of success.

 

[PricklyPete]

Been with my wife for over 10 years. We have 3 small children. Best decision I have ever made. My wife is my best friend and I am a better person for it. Children have brought more joy than I could have ever expected.

I really don't have an opinion on whether marriage is a "good idea". I do think families form an important building block in our civilization, but I'm not convinced that some other structure might not be an improvement.

 

[Eug]

Yes, for sure. But getting divorced today is a lot easier than it was in the past, and also a LOT easier compared to other countries.

Personally, I think that is a good thing. If it's not working, and you don't want to work at it, then leave the marriage. Nothing inherently wrong with that.

 

[Kaido]

Personally, I think that is a good thing. If it's not working, and you don't want to work at it, then leave the marriage. Nothing inherently wrong with that.

I see both sides...I think in the past, a lot of people were stuck in crappy relationships that they felt they couldn't get out of. But I've also seen people younger than me get divorced for really dumb reasons rather than try to work it out or get counseling because we live in such an instant-gratification time right now.

 

[Linux23]

Why would you want your wife to be your best friend? Do you tell your wife everything? Are you friends with your wife of Facebook?

I can't see me friending my wife online in any social media accounts (not like i do social media anyway).

I'd rather have real friends I can go to and tell certain things to, no my significant other.