• We’re currently investigating an issue related to the forum theme and styling that is impacting page layout and visual formatting. The problem has been identified, and we are actively working on a resolution. There is no impact to user data or functionality, this is strictly a front-end display issue. We’ll post an update once the fix has been deployed. Thanks for your patience while we get this sorted.

Do you like my style of writing?

V

Vegitto

Diamond Member
A couple of friends of mine are telling me I should start writing again, but I kinda stopped because I didn't like the results. I wrote this about a year and two months ago (http://vegitto.hyves.nl/blog/4..._the_Apocalypse/0aDf/), how about it?


There he lay, beaten, but not broken. Unbroken, unbreakable. His spirit could not be crushed, and they knew it. He looked up, heaving, gasping for air, every gulp expanding his lungs and his will to live exponentially: ?I won't stand down," he said. "I won't. Not while vile men still draw breath. Not while children are born into war, famine, disease. No longer."

And he rose up, and spoke onto them: ?You who wish to be exalted, you shall look upon to me, for I am the exalted. And I, in return, shall look down on you, for you are unenlightened, and not worthy." The whole place seemed to light up, and they felt lightness in their hearts. At first. Fabricated memories of fabricated realities, where such vile acts did not exist, weren't necessary, weren't needed. Then the darkness came, slowly seeped in, filling every single gap their souls had. And they suffered. And burned. And cried. And after he saw that they had truly repented, he set them free unto this world, to exalt other men from the horrible ideas they once had.

"But before you go," he said, "I will give you names, first." And he descended and laid his hand upon the first, and spoke: ?You shall be known as Conquest, and you shall divide men, drive them apart in times where they should stick together, so that later they will see what they should have done." The figure slowly rose, accepted his new name and task and left after conjuring his horse, to fill his requirements to the world.

And the exalted spoke again, this time addressing the second. "You shall be known as War, and you will set up men against each other, and play them, so that they will fight. So that later, they will see the foolishness of their ways and will not repeat their mistakes." The second figure bowed ever so slightly, got on the horse he came on and set out to the setting sun to fulfill his task given to him by his new master.

The enlightened didn't speak for a longer time, but finally addressed the third: ?You shall be named Famine, and you shall divide men where they have not been divided yet. You shall play out friends and family against each other, and make them mistrust even themselves. Make them shed their humanity, as you have done, make them feast on their own flesh and blood in a desperate attempt at survival. Make them shed their humanity and show their true selves, so that they too can stand before me like you have." The third spoke no word, turned around and walked away, slowly rising up to a sitting position with a horse underneath him, sickly and pale, as if he had always been there.

And the lone rider saw the sun rise, and hurried to where the second had gone before. A day passed. Two. The fourth still did not speak, but patiently waited until his new master gave him orders. Lastly, he who proved that he could not be broken spoke to the last Horseman, and said: ?I will name you Death, and you will finish this task. You will tend to those who have been cruel, tough or smart enough to still live, and end them as well, so that they too can stand before me and reach enlightenment. Kill quickly, swiftly, but thoroughly, as if they were never there."

And the last Horseman looked up with blissful tears in his eyes, rose and climbed on his horse, only to ride towards the last sunset.
Click to expand...

 
A bit heavy-handed and cluttered. "...every gulp expanding his lungs and his will to live exponentially."

...uh....ugh. Don't do that.
 
Never said it was any good.. I wrote this when I was just 16.. It's the first thing I found online, I've written better (in Dutch), but I've gotten compliments on this piece. Keep 'em comin', please, positive or negative.
 
Well, you asked for opinions, so here they go:

Half the sentences start with conjunctions. (occasionally that's okay, but you did it way too much)

Every sentence is either a fragment (not actually a sentence) or has too many breaks (commas) in it. I could not find a single full sentence that did not have commas in it.

You need to be more concise and succinct - it's too confusing to read.
 
Originally posted by: zinfamous
A bit heavy-handed and cluttered. "...every gulp expanding his lungs and his will to live exponentially."

...uh....ugh. Don't do that.
Click to expand...

That probably has to do with a.) my mother tongue and b.) my style of writing.. I like to be heavy.
 
Originally posted by: KillerCharlie
Well, you asked for opinions, so here they go:

Half the sentences start with conjunctions.

Every sentence is either a fragment (not actually a sentence) or has too many breaks (commas) in it. You need to be more concise. I could not find a single full sentence that did not have commas in it.
Click to expand...

Yeah, that's kinda my thing. Thanks for the tip though, I wasn't really planning to make a career out of this.. :')
 
Posting a writing sample on ATOT for critiquing, especially when you've already given it some positive spin. You've got some serious guts. As far as the sample, it seems like you're trying too hard for that "prose" style and it just gets bogged down with itself. It's definitely not horrible, I've read published books that are worse - but that's not necessarily a good thing either. 😛 Like others have already said, the sentence structure is pretty poor but I do think it has its merits. I'd say it's good for a high school English class, but it's fairly poor for a professional piece of work.
 
also, the 4 horsemen are Death, War, Famine, and Pestilence. there is no Conquest.
i agree that there are way too many fragments and too much repetition or redundancy.
 
Um... what is your inspiration?

This reads like it is from the days of Greek and Roman mythology, the time of Zeus and company. Is this your goal? I say this because it both reads in text, and in thematic style, as if it were from that time period. If so, then not a single of the complaints thus far have any real merit. But for writing to match what everyone accepts this days, I can't describe exactly how I feel about it, but I'm not a huge fan. Some of those heavy sentences could be good, and I've written very similarly. But in short breaths - don't write that way through the whole text, rather a few sentences here and there.
 
Originally posted by: ChrisIsBored
Take a Critical Writing class in community college or University and prepare to be torn a new a hole. 🙂
Click to expand...

Critical Writing and University are not proper nouns and don't need to be capitalized.
 
Originally posted by: KillerCharlie
Well, you asked for opinions, so here they go:

Half the sentences start with conjunctions. (occasionally that's okay, but you did it way too much)

Every sentence is either a fragment (not actually a sentence) or has too many breaks (commas) in it. I could not find a single full sentence that did not have commas in it.

You need to be more concise and succinct - it's too confusing to read.
Click to expand...

This is a good start. It all reads like a jumbled mess and there is no clear intent with what you're trying to describe. Henry James and William Faulkner will string along prepositions and clauses and connect them with commas in paragraph long sentences as well, but it's not every damn sentence.

You have to throw in some variety. Fragments and split infinitives are fine, but you just can't do it with every sentence. Mix it up. Never think that a convoluted and vague description is ever a good idea when a more direct, simpler word can be used.

I'm impressed, though, if English really is your second language.
:beer:
 
Originally posted by: destrekor
Um... what is your inspiration?

This reads like it is from the days of Greek and Roman mythology, the time of Zeus and company. Is this your goal? I say this because it both reads in text, and in thematic style, as if it were from that time period. If so, then not a single of the complaints thus far have any real merit. But for writing to match what everyone accepts this days, I can't describe exactly how I feel about it, but I'm not a huge fan. Some of those heavy sentences could be good, and I've written very similarly. But in short breaths - don't write that way through the whole text, rather a few sentences here and there.
Click to expand...

I have a degree in both Latin and ancient Greek, yeah. They use a lot of 'sub-sentences'.

Thanks for your comments, ATOT!
 
Your tone was appropriate for the subject, but you were a bit too repetitive at points. And you had some small typos. Better than most creative writing I've seen, though.
 
Originally posted by: ConstipatedVigilante
Your tone was appropriate for the subject, but you were a bit too repetitive at points. And you had some small typos. Better than most creative writing I've seen, though.
Click to expand...

Thanks. Yeah, about the typo's.. I'm not British or American, I'm Dutch.. Also, keep in mind that I was 16 when I wrote this.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

TRENDING THREADS

Back
Top