Do you like my style of writing?

[zinfamous]

Originally posted by: Vegitto

Originally posted by: zinfamous

Originally posted by: Vegitto

Originally posted by: alkemyst
tl;dr, cliffs?

Humankind sucks donkey balls.

see! brief, direct, and clear.

now what's wrong with this description?

No-one will pay for that because one sentence doesn't constitute a whole book?

but it's better writing. I guarantee you that more would pay for something like this, than what was in the OP.

again, impressive that this is your second language, but saying that you wrote it when you were 16 as an excuse is kind of meaningless when that was only 1 year ago. (all according to your OP)

does 1 year of limited writing training (maybe) make you that much better now?

 

[Perknose]

Originally posted by: ChrisIsBored
Take a Critical Writing class in community college or University and prepare to be torn a new a hole.

"Tits," I speak onto you. :roll:

 

[videogames101]

Sounds better then 99% of published authors out there. It actually is challenging to read, compared to the drab crap most people write. When people here say "heavy" they mean it, but there is nothing wrong with heavy writing.

 

[nerp]

Painfully overwritten.

Good writing is about the story, not the writer.

 

[Kadarin]

It's hard to get past the, I think, too many, perhaps, commas.

 

[Whisper]

It's not bad at all, by any means. I agree with what others have suggested, though--take a few classes in composition, creative writing, etc., and go from there. I understand what you're getting at with the whole "that's just my style" response, as I've said the same thing in the past. But after receiving actual instruction in the subject, you'll realize that there are plenty of ways to hone and improve said style.

 

[Zebo]

Sounds like a rip from bible or something. I like more colloquial pieces for fun.

 

[Vegitto]

I don't wanna sound like I'm trying to defend myself or anything (I've given up a career in writing a long time ago), but this piece is heavy and 'biblical' because we had to write this for a school assignment, subject being 'epic'. I wanted to provide more background and work on the story more, but I was pleased with what I had (which has a lot to do with people telling me they liked it).

 

[Farang]

You should post something different.. it sounds like you have a good command of words but this style of writing and the story itself I hate. Not really your fault I just am not into Beastmaster.

 

[Whisper]

Originally posted by: Vegitto
I don't wanna sound like I'm trying to defend myself or anything (I've given up a career in writing a long time ago), but this piece is heavy and 'biblical' because we had to write this for a school assignment, subject being 'epic'. I wanted to provide more background and work on the story more, but I was pleased with what I had (which has a lot to do with people telling me they liked it).

It's very good for the high school level. Hell, it's likely better than most college students can write at graduation. It's just a matter of mastering subtler uses of style and language; that's what starts to separate authors in the upper reaches of the bell curve.

 

[Vegitto]

This is a piece in kind of the same style, but I was kinda down while I wrote it. It's hugely symbolic and I'm sure no-one will see it (you have to be a.) Einstein or b.) someone really close to me to notice), but here ya go:

"And who might you be?" he asked, stepping forward from the shadow he had lurked in, peering into the shadow in front of him. "Me? Oh, no-one.. Just your paranoia." He smirked, lunged forward and punched into the shadow, only to see the figure he tried to hit disappear in a wisp of smoke.

"Behind you," he heard from the shadow he lunged from, and he shot a quick look to where he once stood. The figure rising from the shadow looked eerily like him. Only, a different version of him. Tainted. Eschewed. A single tear rolled down his cheek, and then everything went black. Black like the inside of the shadowy figure?s heart, he could sense it. Black darkness, as black as his heart was white. His total opposite, but his exact replica at the same time. The Yang to his Yin. He knew his opponent was just a figment of his imagination, a way for his brain to distract itself from the pain, the thousands of nerves screaming in agony of what was really happening, but if he wanted to keep breathing in the real world, which seemed so strangely far away from this dark, dark place, he had to win this fight first.

?How to win a fight with yourself?? the figure tauntingly asked. ?Do you even want to fight me? Why not embrace this side of yourself? I outrank you, I outclass you, I can overcome you in every possible way you could possibly imagine.? ?Except one.? The figure seemed startled. ?No.. No, you don?t mean.. No, it couldn?t be.? ?I can love. I can love you, you can?t love. You could hurt me, taunt me, bury me under your perfect logical conclusions, but you?ll never love anyone. I knew that at first glance, you were never a real threat to me. I love you, and that?s that.?

The figure dropped to its? knees, visibly crying. Sobbing. Uncontrollably saddened. Shriveled. He turned away, he didn?t need to see this, but as he turned, he snapped out of his alternate reality, back to the true reality, where he was heavily pushing his mortal wounds to prevent himself from bleeding out. But even though he probably would, he smiled, as he had won the fight with himself.

 

[Vegitto]

Well?

 

[zoiks]

Sounds like someone wrote the bible and tried to improve on it.

 

[ivan2]

The above paragraphs are tedious to read, not outright bad, not too bad, but boring enough.

 

[Chiropteran]

I find it annoying how you use the same word repeatedly. For example "from the shadow" "into the shadow", "every possible way you could possibly imagine"- too many possibles. Use synonyms or leave out the unnecessary words and it would be easier to read.

 

[Perknose]

Originally posted by: Vegitto
This is a piece in kind of the same style, but I was kinda down while I wrote it. It's hugely symbolic and I'm sure no-one will see it (you have to be a.) Einstein or b.) someone really close to me to notice), but here ya go:

Do0d, it's not hugely symbolic, it's crudely symbolic, the angst soaked and cliche written cri de couer of a 16 year old.

Ladies and gentleman, your calvacade of cliches:

A single tear rolled down his cheek

Black darkness, as black as his heart was white

The Yang to his Yin.

dark, dark place

I can love you, you can?t love

His total opposite, but his exact replica at the same time.

disappear in a wisp of smoke.

?How to win a fight with yourself?

thousands of nerves screaming in agony

he snapped out of his alternate reality, back to the true reality,

^^^ Btw, if it's an alternate reality, it's still a reality, and neither is the sole reality. Just saying, Shakespeare.

It's like you're trying to paint a masterpiece using only monochromatic black and red, or trying to write a symphony composed solely of major chords.

Otoh, you're style would probably work reasonably well in the comic book/graphic novel genre where reviewers could rave about your "bold and intentionally limited palette" and "knowing self-irony of teen expression."

You could be bigger than Brittney!



How old are you, anyway? Seriously, I'd like to know, how old are you?

 

[Vegitto]

Originally posted by: Perknose

Originally posted by: Vegitto
This is a piece in kind of the same style, but I was kinda down while I wrote it. It's hugely symbolic and I'm sure no-one will see it (you have to be a.) Einstein or b.) someone really close to me to notice), but here ya go:

Do0d, it's not hugely symbolic, it's crudely symbolic, the angst soaked and cliche written cri de couer of a 16 year old.

Ladies and gentleman, your calvacade of cliches:

A single tear rolled down his cheek

Black darkness, as black as his heart was white

The Yang to his Yin.

dark, dark place

I can love you, you can?t love

His total opposite, but his exact replica at the same time.

disappear in a wisp of smoke.

?How to win a fight with yourself?

thousands of nerves screaming in agony

he snapped out of his alternate reality, back to the true reality,

^^^ Btw, if it's an alternate reality, it's still a reality, and neither is the sole reality. Just saying, Shakespeare.

It's like you're trying to paint a masterpiece using only monochromatic black and red, or trying to write a symphony composed solely of major chords.

Otoh, you're style would probably work reasonably well in the comic book/graphic novel genre where reviewers could rave about your "bold and intentionally limited palette" and "knowing self-irony of teen expression."

You could be bigger than Brittney!



How old are you, anyway? Seriously, I'd like to know, how old are you?

Symbolic as in 'why so dark?'. You can call me angsty or emo, I don't care.

And yeah, I've heard that I use too much cliché's in my daily speech, too.


EDIT: 18 since Jan 21st.

 

[Perknose]

Originally posted by: Vegitto
Symbolic as in 'why so dark?'.

No, crudely symbolic as in you use nothing but tired, OBVIOUS, uninteresting, beaten-to-death imagery unworthy even of an 18 year old with any pretensions to literary greatness.

If you cooked like you write, you'd boil everything and use MSG as your sole "spice."

You can call me angsty or emo, I don't care.

Believe me, I'm aware. :roll:

EDIT: 18 since Jan 21st.

Meh, do0d, I feel like I'm teasing a 'tard. Hopefully, years later, you'll look back chuckle at your artistic immaturity.

Keep writing, though, intense mediocrity has never been a barrier to commercial success! :thumbsup:

 

[Gooberlx2]

I liked the first couple sentences. The rest was too bibley. Maybe that was the intention, but I'm not a fan.

 

[OCGuy]

No robe and wizard hat?

 

[Chiropteran]

Without emotion, Perknose brutally attacked Vegitto's writing. "It's like you're trying to paint a masterpiece using only monochromatic black and red, or trying to write a symphony composed solely of major chords."

"Symbolic as in 'why so dark?'. You can call me angsty or emo, I don't care. And yeah, I've heard that I use too much cliché's in my daily speech, too" responded the defensive Vegitto.

Perknose had heard enough. Vegitto's time on these forums would be coming to end soon. Very soon.

 

[dbk]

frustrating to read, doesn't seem to flow

but what do i know? i don't even capitalize my words.

 

[Mr Pickles]

Its "...in times when they should stick together." not "... in times where..."

 

[Vegitto]

Originally posted by: Chiropteran
Without emotion, Perknose brutally attacked Vegitto's writing. "It's like you're trying to paint a masterpiece using only monochromatic black and red, or trying to write a symphony composed solely of major chords."

"Symbolic as in 'why so dark?'. You can call me angsty or emo, I don't care. And yeah, I've heard that I use too much cliché's in my daily speech, too" responded the defensive Vegitto.

Perknose had heard enough. Vegitto's time on these forums would be coming to end soon. Very soon.

Haha.. Seems like you are the better writer, sir.

I honestly, really don't care that I suck at it. I enjoyed making it and will probably continue to write things like this when I feel like it.

I was just asking for feedback.