A couple of friends of mine are telling me I should start writing again, but I kinda stopped because I didn't like the results. I wrote this about a year and two months ago (http://vegitto.hyves.nl/blog/4..._the_Apocalypse/0aDf/), how about it?
Do you like my style of writing?
- Thread starter Vegitto
- Start date
Take a Critical Writing class in community college or University and prepare to be torn a new a hole. 
Never said it was any good.. I wrote this when I was just 16.. It's the first thing I found online, I've written better (in Dutch), but I've gotten compliments on this piece. Keep 'em comin', please, positive or negative.
Well, you asked for opinions, so here they go:
Half the sentences start with conjunctions. (occasionally that's okay, but you did it way too much)
Every sentence is either a fragment (not actually a sentence) or has too many breaks (commas) in it. I could not find a single full sentence that did not have commas in it.
You need to be more concise and succinct - it's too confusing to read.
Half the sentences start with conjunctions. (occasionally that's okay, but you did it way too much)
Every sentence is either a fragment (not actually a sentence) or has too many breaks (commas) in it. I could not find a single full sentence that did not have commas in it.
You need to be more concise and succinct - it's too confusing to read.
That probably has to do with a.) my mother tongue and b.) my style of writing.. I like to be heavy.
Yeah, that's kinda my thing. Thanks for the tip though, I wasn't really planning to make a career out of this.. :')
Posting a writing sample on ATOT for critiquing, especially when you've already given it some positive spin. You've got some serious guts. As far as the sample, it seems like you're trying too hard for that "prose" style and it just gets bogged down with itself. It's definitely not horrible, I've read published books that are worse - but that's not necessarily a good thing either. Like others have already said, the sentence structure is pretty poor but I do think it has its merits. I'd say it's good for a high school English class, but it's fairly poor for a professional piece of work.
Like others have already said, the sentence structure is pretty poor but I do think it has its merits. I'd say it's good for a high school English class, but it's fairly poor for a professional piece of work.
destrekor
Lifer
- Nov 18, 2005
- 28,799
- 359
- 126
Um... what is your inspiration?
This reads like it is from the days of Greek and Roman mythology, the time of Zeus and company. Is this your goal? I say this because it both reads in text, and in thematic style, as if it were from that time period. If so, then not a single of the complaints thus far have any real merit. But for writing to match what everyone accepts this days, I can't describe exactly how I feel about it, but I'm not a huge fan. Some of those heavy sentences could be good, and I've written very similarly. But in short breaths - don't write that way through the whole text, rather a few sentences here and there.
This reads like it is from the days of Greek and Roman mythology, the time of Zeus and company. Is this your goal? I say this because it both reads in text, and in thematic style, as if it were from that time period. If so, then not a single of the complaints thus far have any real merit. But for writing to match what everyone accepts this days, I can't describe exactly how I feel about it, but I'm not a huge fan. Some of those heavy sentences could be good, and I've written very similarly. But in short breaths - don't write that way through the whole text, rather a few sentences here and there.
Originally posted by: ChrisIsBored
Take a Critical Writing class in community college or University and prepare to be torn a new a hole.
Critical Writing and University are not proper nouns and don't need to be capitalized.
zinfamous
No Lifer
- Jul 12, 2006
- 111,889
- 31,410
- 146
This is a good start. It all reads like a jumbled mess and there is no clear intent with what you're trying to describe. Henry James and William Faulkner will string along prepositions and clauses and connect them with commas in paragraph long sentences as well, but it's not every damn sentence.
You have to throw in some variety. Fragments and split infinitives are fine, but you just can't do it with every sentence. Mix it up. Never think that a convoluted and vague description is ever a good idea when a more direct, simpler word can be used.
I'm impressed, though, if English really is your second language.
:beer:
I have a degree in both Latin and ancient Greek, yeah. They use a lot of 'sub-sentences'.
Thanks for your comments, ATOT!
ConstipatedVigilante
Diamond Member
- Feb 22, 2006
- 7,670
- 1
- 0
Your tone was appropriate for the subject, but you were a bit too repetitive at points. And you had some small typos. Better than most creative writing I've seen, though.
Thanks. Yeah, about the typo's.. I'm not British or American, I'm Dutch.. Also, keep in mind that I was 16 when I wrote this.
shortylickens
No Lifer
- Jul 15, 2003
- 80,287
- 17,082
- 136
Your mechanics are horrible and they make the message disappear. If you were saying something interesting I didnt get it.
Originally posted by: zinfamous
see! brief, direct, and clear.
now what's wrong with this description?
No-one will pay for that because one sentence doesn't constitute a whole book?
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