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Do people change? Have you changed? [Serious]

Zeze

Zeze

Lifer
I find human development fascinating, especially more as a dad.

Have you changed? Share if yes or not.

For me...
- I'm still me. Like many of you on these forums, I'm definitely more of an introvert. Yes, I'll still play videogames when I'm 50 yos or 60.
- But I did... change... through gaining confidence. Of course if you're good at something and people recognize you for it, you're more likely to be more social / push further boundaries / etc.
- Hell, I enjoy small talks and making new relationships. I just have to be in the mood for it, but I even look forward to it.
- I was a flunkie who legit received Fs in HS and barely got into a state uni and barely graduated.
- Thankfully I feel like I realized what kind of person I did NOT want to be throughout my 20's. I was already going to be an 'adult'! I chased a high paying industry and pivoted there.
- I'm doing okay doing what I do.
- I'm still an inconsistent jerk and still procrastinate too much (this is a problem avoidance behavior)

I feel like I'm still learning a lot about myself in my 30's.... and the biggest thing was that I wasn't going to magically 'change'. It has to start from present-day you.
 
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Of course.

I think anyone who says they haven't changed is lying to themself.

I became a big softy after my first son was born. Like stuff in movies that wouldn't affect me would definitely pull at different strings I didn't even know existed.

I also think a lot of the change is normal for the course. Like I don't want to go out and party in my late thirties like I did when I was in my 20's. I don't like being in crowded bars where it takes 10 minutes to get a $10 drink. I used to love all that stuff.

I don't really care what people think, to an extent. I mean that more in the sense that I don't care if people think I'm nerdy for doing certain things like I did earlier on. I don't care if people think it's weird that I like to go fishing by myself for hours on hours. Things like that. I do, generally speaking, want people to think of me as a decent person though. I guess in that sense I care, but I don't go out of my way to try to make people care. I just mean by the way I carry myself.

I used to not care about traveling and rather have "things" but now I'm the opposite. I'd much rather spend $5k+ on a nice vacation than purchase something tangible. Experiences are way more important to me now than they were when I was younger.

I'm sure there is a lot more.
 
People can definitely change, but it takes a LOT of dedication and desire to change.

<-- Someone who has changed significantly over the last 15 years or so. It's constant work, but you can write new patterns.

If you mean naturally over time, yes of course, but I am replying in the sense of like, you are changing fundamental parts of your behavior and attitude for the better. I dealt with a LOT of anger issues in my life, understandably given the person I am is not super compatible with the world at large, but it is possible to become better if you want to put in the time.

You cannot change other people though, unless they absolutely want to.
 
Platypus said:
People can definitely change, but it takes a LOT of dedication and desire to change.

<-- Someone who has changed significantly over the last 15 years or so. It's constant work, but you can write new patterns.

If you mean naturally over time, yes of course, but I am replying in the sense of like, you are changing fundamental parts of your behavior and attitude for the better. I dealt with a LOT of anger issues in my life, understandably given the person I am is not super compatible with the world at large, but it is possible to become better if you want to put in the time.

You cannot change other people though, unless they absolutely want to.
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Still play guitar, Purdue man? You introduced Opeth / AE to me.
 
A couple ways in which I've changed:

High school was easy for me, got all A's with no effort. Got to college and had very poor study habits b/c I didn't need/learn them for high school. Almost failed out a couple of times, barely graduated. Decided later to go to grad school to prove to myself I could do it. Scored well on GMAT, graduated with MBA on ~3.8 GPA while working full time supporting wife and newborn child. 3 years of waking up at 5 am to get ready and commute to work, work from 8-5, school from 6-10, commute home, dinner, homework, in bed after 11, up at 5 again. Really changed my work ethic.

Grew up in a very politically opinionated household. Shared much of the same opinions of my parents through high school because that's all I knew. Went to college (a generally liberal experience) and studied economics (a generally conservative experience) and now have opinions drastically different than those I grew up with.
 
Platypus said:
Hah, I totally forgot about that \m/

Yeah, still play guitar and keys, now I play bass and drums too.. and sing 😛

my band (lol remember live music?): http://flyingpotion.com
solo stuff: https://utkanos.bandcamp.com/releases
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Awesome.

Opeth's gone all non-metal and totally embraced its abstract side. I wasn't able to get into more after Ghost Reveries. I enjoy few tracks from Watershed.
Angela's in the back being a producer for AE? The new chick doesn't even compare.

[edit]
Did you create Close Quarters? Holy shit this song is amazing. I hear synthwave.. jarring offbeat.. love it... bit of new retro. that little vocal sampling is even vaguely reminiscent of Akerfeldt. Great job.
 
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Zeze said:
Awesome.

Opeth's gone all non-metal and totally embraced its abstract side. I wasn't able to get into more after Ghost Reveries. I enjoy few tracks from Watershed.
Angela's in the back being a producer for AE? The new chick doesn't even compare.

[edit]
Did you create Close Quarters? Holy shit this song is amazing. I hear synthwave.. jarring offbeat.. love it... bit of new retro. that little vocal sampling is even vaguely reminiscent of Akerfeldt. Great job.
Click to expand...

Yeah Opeth went full prog craziness, almost a different band these days.


Thanks! Yeah I made all of the close quarters stuff and played all the instruments for it. Real bass, synth bass, real guitar, hardware and software synths, and my vox run through a bunch of hardware junk. I appreciate the feedback!
 
Character, rarely. Behaviors, yes. I think we are who we are, but we do mature over time. So there's kind of 3 layers:

1. Us (i.e. your soul, who you are)
2. The issues we deal with internally & physically (personal barriers, emotional problems, mental health issues, and physical restrictions)
3. The world (the situations we deal with)

We only see other people as other people, but really, people don't interface directly with the world, they interface with their current worldview & with their own hang-ups. Like, I have ADHD, and I didn't get diagnosed until my mid-20's. The short definition is "simple things are hard", which means that trivial tasks feel like Mount Everest sometimes, which means you get labeled as being lazy or just "needing to try harder", when you're really operating at 100% all the time just to keep up & are constantly exhausted & as a result distracted & prone to engaging in avoidance behavior.

Eventually, I recognized that ADHD was not a solvable problem, because the equipment to function like a neuro-typical person just wasn't there in my head, so I shifted to a management strategy rather than an elimination strategy. All that means is that I use checklists & reminders to manage my productivity, and suddenly my productivity shot up a thousand-fold because I was using an external digital notes & reminder system, rather than trying to keep it all in my head.

In addition, I had some health issues, including undiagnosed sleep apnea & an undiagnosed stomach issue that prevented me from eating regular stuff like gluten & dairy for a long time. I was pretty low-energy in grade school, got the food thing figured out for about ten years, and then got on some medicine so I could eat real food again, then got diagnosed with hereditary sleep apnea last year. And boy what a world of difference feeling good makes for what you can do with your life! It almost entirely eliminated my anxiety

So for me, I went from a pretty low-energy person with crap focus to a reasonably high-energy person who gets stuff done on a consistent basis, which for me were both pretty huge changes in my life. I have also matured in a lot of ways & become a lot more empathatic over time. Plus I've learned more about the kind of person I want to be, which pretty much boils down to two things:

1. Be kind
2. Do good work

It's so easy for me to fall into the trap of complaining & being negative, and to take the bait from trolls, and eventually I just hit a point where I thought, you know what, there's enough darkness in the world, I'd rather be a light & put out some positivity instead of being yet another person on the Internet flinging monkey poo. That, and there are enough con-men & rip-off artists that I wanted to contribute good work to the world, not shortcut work & not scummy, scammy work. Once I got that headset straightened out, it kind of cleared the way for how I wanted to live my life...I don't want to be a jerk, I don't want to be closed-minded, and I don't want to contribute more negativity to an already negative world.

I try to cut other people a lot of slack now too, not so much because they necessarily "deserve" it (that sounds bad written out LOL), as much as if I'm being really honest with myself, I need a lot of slack cut for me too, so fair's fair, you know? We all let ourselves slide & we can all stand to do better & if we live in an eye-for-an-eye kind of world, everyone's going to be blind haha. It's hard sometimes because I have to choose to get out of my own way from my default reactions to things & chill out a little more & try a little bit hard.

One of the biggest changes in my life has been adopting a strong personal productivity system (PPS), which is the way we get organized & get stuff done. I didn't realize this tool even existed before or that there were varying levels of qualities available to choose from, and simply by adopting a strong PPS, you can virtually improve your life overnight with very little effort! I don't feel like I have to try so hard all the time every day now because I have a tool that managements my commitments for me, so that I can focus on the execution rather than management of my responsibilities. That in turn has made me a more reliable person to myself & to others, which has translated into a lot more personal enrichment (better energy, better health, house is clean all the time, car is maintained, etc.) & more job opportunities, because I've gone from being reactive to being the go-to reliable guy who gets the job done & keeps people in the loop, which were things I had no idea how to actually do consistently in practice before!

So I think it's really more about maturing than changing, in most cases. Like, nothing's changed underneath...I still play Half-Life every Thanksgiving, I still enjoy neffing on ATOT & reddit, I still spend way too much time going down Youtube rabbit-holes, but on the outside surface, I can at least pretend to be a well-put-together adult these days, haha!
 
I've certainly changed but at the core still pretty similar to how I have been. I've become much better at rationalizing and internalizing my actions rather than just "doing" it and thinking about the consequences later.
 
Zeze said:
- But I did... change... through gaining confidence. Of course if you're good at something and people recognize you for it, you're more likely to be more social / push further boundaries / etc.
Click to expand...

Over time, I discovered confidence comes in 2 flavors:

1. Faux confidence, which is just kind of a personality trait. Doesn't matter the situation, some people just have this underlying optimism about their future success that translates into 24/7 confidence. Growing up with anxiety, that sure was a mystery for me, lol

2. Earned confidence, which comes from competence, which comes from preparedness (and also a good night's sleep! haha)

Adopting a strong personal productivity system as a holistic framework to manage all aspects of my life helped me to be a lot more confident, because I was able to really take adult control over situations & proactively manage them, rather than just feeling up in the air about everything all the time. That, and I really like the whole "master your craft" concept, which means getting good at what you do & staying involved in continuing education to stay up-to-date on the cutting edge of things, which has helped me keep a job in IT over a decade or two, because it's let me keep up with the times. I've seen friends drop out of the game professionally because they refuse to lay keep-up with the state-of-the-art, not realizing that your value to a company is only what you can provide them with that they need.

I'm a much more confident person today than I ever was in high school! Managing my anxiety has a lot to do with that too lol.
 
Zeze said:
I've definitely became truly empathetic. When I was younger, I was more nihilistic. I still am, but my heart now breaks. This happened when I became a dad.
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That'll do it! I think once kids are involved in your life, it helps break past that judgement barrier to see other people as someone's kid & as people who are going through their own struggles in life.

I've seen this a lot in political discussions...people get so much tunnel vision that they just whomp on other people, not realizing there's a human being underneath. The Interent can be a cesspool for anonymous negativity, which is one of the reasons I like ATOT...yeah, we have issues here sometimes, but generally people are people here & not just jerks all the time, which is one of the reasons I keep coming back tbh!
 
purbeast0 said:
I used to not care about traveling and rather have "things" but now I'm the opposite. I'd much rather spend $5k+ on a nice vacation than purchase something tangible. Experiences are way more important to me now than they were when I was younger.
Click to expand...

Haha I'm the opposite. I'm definitely a material girl in a material world...not so much to chase assets, as much as to have really nice tools to use in life (like my kitchen cooking gear). I can look at a place on Google Earth using Streetview & meh, that's good enough for me...but a big TV will still be there the next week, and the next week, and the next week lol. Which is funny because that's the polar opposite of my wife. I'm a really big fan of the 5 Love Languages book, which puts out the idea that everyone has a way that they like to feel love:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

My wife's primary love language is quality time...going on dates, going on trips, going on vacations, going to museums, etc. I literally schedule a weekly date on my calendar (we alternate who plans it) just so that I don't let that "quality time" thing slide, because for her, she feels the most loved when we do stuff together. I remember back in high school, there were always girls who needed a box of chocolate, flowers, a teddy bear, etc., and I thought it was so juvenile, but after I read the love languages book, I realized that some people simply feel love from receiving gifts, because that's the way that it shows that people care about them, so it definitely caused me to have more empathy that everyone feels love differently & stronger in certain ways than others, which explains why some couples have such trouble, because they're not speaking each other's unique & specific love languages!
 
Undoubtedly, my biggest change was my weight loss in college.

I feel like I have an overall addictive personality. Up through college (through high-school, and community college) I was 100% computer nerd to the core. Fat. Sat on my computer all day. Had the most geared hunter on my World of Warcraft server.

Then I went to my university.... things just magically clicked... I almost attribute it to my brain saying "Holy shit... I want to get laid all of a sudden" hehe. It probably helped that my college was roughly 2/3 for girls majority.

Dropped ~150lb+ within about a year. Hands down the biggest change of my life.


But thats just it - I attribute it to trading one addiction (Gaming, staying on my computer) to pursuing women.

Now I'm out of college, married, etc... my next pursuit/addiction? Money. I fought hard for the job role I have today where I get paid a comfy 6-figures. The trade-off though is I've gained weight (though no where near as bad as when I was a fat gamer).... and thats the crux of my problem, I feel like I have an addictive personality where I can only passionately pursue one thing.
 
Zeze said:
I was a flunkie who legit received Fs in HS and barely got into a state uni and barely graduated.

- I'm still an inconsistent jerk and still procrastinate too much (this is a problem avoidance behavior)
Click to expand...

I graduated high school with a 1.9 (out of 4.0) GPA & took 14 years to finish a 2-year Associate's degree at my local community college. Fast-forward to today & I know how to cook pretty well, have an awesome home theater, and drive a cool car (not that material things are the point of life, but there are perks available!). The great part about America is that it's designed for late-bloomers! I was a total mess in school & simply had no clear path out for fixing it. Fortunately, I got better over time, and I think that's one of the greatest things about the human experience...you can learn & grow & move on with your life instead of staying stagnant, based on whether or not you're willing to put effort in.
 
Mayne said:
I haven't changed at all. but my body is changing and letting me down on a daily basis
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If you're interested, I have a great tool for that! I feel ten times better now in my 30's than I did in high school!
 
s0me0nesmind1 said:
and thats the crux of my problem, I feel like I have an addictive personality where I can only passionately pursue one thing.
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I'm the same way. I've basically just come to terms with I operate best when I (1) automate the rest of my life, and (2) have a single pre-occupation to focus on.

Plus, you just can't get good at everything. We don't master things overnight. Look at Michael Jordan...great at basketball, not so good at golf or baseball. But he focused on basketball & was really really really good at it! imo finding what lights you up is a really big method for finding happiness in life!
 
Kaido said:
Over time, I discovered confidence comes in 2 flavors:

1. Faux confidence, which is just kind of a personality trait. Doesn't matter the situation, some people just have this underlying optimism about their future success that translates into 24/7 confidence. Growing up with anxiety, that sure was a mystery for me, lol

2. Earned confidence, which comes from competence, which comes from preparedness (and also a good night's sleep! haha)

Adopting a strong personal productivity system as a holistic framework to manage all aspects of my life helped me to be a lot more confident, because I was able to really take adult control over situations & proactively manage them, rather than just feeling up in the air about everything all the time. That, and I really like the whole "master your craft" concept, which means getting good at what you do & staying involved in continuing education to stay up-to-date on the cutting edge of things, which has helped me keep a job in IT over a decade or two, because it's let me keep up with the times. I've seen friends drop out of the game professionally because they refuse to lay keep-up with the state-of-the-art, not realizing that your value to a company is only what you can provide them with that they need.

I'm a much more confident person today than I ever was in high school! Managing my anxiety has a lot to do with that too lol.
Click to expand...

"Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation."
 
Mayne said:
i'm curious.
Click to expand...

In a nutshell, this is the first layer to learn:

1. Food controls your weight & your energy. If you want to personally want to take control of those two things, and if you're willing to buy into the idea that food controls them, move on to Step 2!

2. There are some methods for controlling food in a very easy way - specifically, without sacrificing what you love to eat and without having to do large amounts of hard work, which are two of the biggest barriers to adopting a change in your diet. So just go ahead & blow those barriers away, because it's both easy & delicious!

3. Adopting new methods to control your food gives you precision control over your body & how you feel.

This is coming from me, being a very low-energy person growing up & having been overweight twice in my life....I literally simply didn't know how those controls worked, and because they seemed really hard, I never really had any lasting change! It was a very long journey for me to get where I'm at knowledge & experience-wise, but I can tell you that the methods I use are likely easier than what you're doing now, and will give you better results! These days, I eat like a king, I stress out less about providing food & cooking for myself than I did in the past, my energy is great, and I look great! (as good as a Bill Gates look-alike can look, lol!).

The first step is just buying into the idea above. Food controls how you feel & how you look, for the most part. Second is sleep, third is exercise, and fourth is stress management, but it's like 90% food tbh. The second step is being willing to not only learn the syste, but actually do it. Again - I have an approach that is very very easy, but you have to be willing to do easy things, and do them consistently. Not everyone wants to buy into the idea that food controls the majority of how you feel (not just energy, but emotionally too) & how you look (weight-wise), so that's why you have to decide to adopt the idea before moving onto the next step, which again, has very low barriers to entry!

This is why I get so excited about my kitchen appliances like the Instant Pot...food = happy, food = chore, good tools = makes chores easier, easier chores = I do it more, I do it more = I get to feel good all the time! Growing up as a fairly low-energy person, this is still quite novel to me, that I can feel good emotionally, energy-wise, and physically every day all day long! So it's all about baby steps...based on the information above, do you want to proceed?
 
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