Disturbing News From Texas (What else is new)

KurtDavidson · Feb 25, 2001

Chuck Norris, star of "Walker: Texas Ranger" has announced he plans to run for governor of the large state in the future.

What do you think?

Anyway, I think the whole of Texas is gay and should be deannexed into mexico.

Gee,is it a coincidence that you and Lordmo have the same IP#'s ?
Go play your games somewhere else
GOODBYE

Anandtech Moderator

lordmo · Feb 25, 2001

Agreed.

Texas is the most worthless state. I must second the notion that a de-annexation should be mandatory.
[Edit] I would like to add that France is worthless as well[/Edit]

Agreed, first prize.. first prize..

lordmo

KurtDavidson · Feb 25, 2001

Yes Yes Yes, france is worthless as well. A friend of mine recently visited there and was beat up and mugged by 30 french midgets. they should be invaded immediately. Canada should also be invaded, and mexico destroyed.

KurtDavidson · Feb 25, 2001

lordmo · Feb 25, 2001

I suggest we send our Boy Scouts to Canada. There, they will quickly overtake the "Mounties" (But not in sexual way.. the Supreme Court already ruled on that one...) and will establish pipelines for all of Canada's fresh water. We will ship that water to New Jersey, where it will then be instantly polluted, and distributed nationwide. The infamous "jug handle' will deter our enemies from gaining access to our supplies..

As for France, we will need some more firepower, so we should send our only our fiercest warriors--the Leaugue of Women Voters.

And Mexico--we can just make that the national dump for refuse and nuclear waste.

Agreed, first prize... first prize..

lordmo

KurtDavidson · Feb 25, 2001

Yes, Yes, good plans. You have an unusually strong grasp on world domination. I believe that once "New Jersey" has finished polluting the canadian water supply that thermonuclear warheads should be detonated miles below the delaware river, thereby forcing New Jersey off the continental shelf, and into the atlantic (see "Superman: The Movie" Color 1978, Christopher Reeves, Gene Hackman) Once New Jersey is free into the atlantic it should be outfitted with more warheads. It can then float over to the Mediterranean sea where it will launch against France...

lordmo · Feb 25, 2001

Kurt, what wonderful plans!

By the time jersey gets to france, the LOWV will have wreaked sufficient havoc, and france will be unable to respnd with its own "Bomb de Neutron"...

With the frogs beaten, though, who will stay and crush their population, forcing them into hard labor building giant obilesques for no reasons whatsoever?

Well, whoever is chosen, once that is done, we can return to dealing with 'texas.' I heard that its illegal to swear at a pig in texas and 'uncouth' to do so to virtually any and every other farm animal. Any confirmations? Anyone? My Latin teacher told me once that "texas" was latin for "Land of the pig trodden peoples, Home of the weak.."

Agreed, first prize.... first prize...

lordmo

KurtDavidson · Feb 25, 2001

Indeed by article 37d, of Texas state law "It is hereby declared that the swearing upon of any barnyard animal or woodland creature shall be a state offense punishable by a minimum 50 dollar fine and/or 5 whacks of the vermin paddle."

Now, historians have long argued over exactly what the vermin paddle was/is. It is believed to be a long wooden mast which is shoved up a Perpetrators rectum.

Texas is also the home of many strange and inane laws. It is also illegal to speak poorly of Texas in Texas. but since we are decidedly outside the h3llhole we may feel free to do as we please. Another solution to the texas problem would be to take the "two birds with one stone approach" This plan calls for polluting texas with large quantities of toxic wastes, radioactive and the like. Thereby infecting and killing millions of illegal maexican aliens, while rendering the resident Texans mindless flesch eating zombies. ( See "Night of the Living Dead" / "C.H.U.D." )

lordmo · Feb 25, 2001

Kurt, i believe you are mistaken.

I think it is article 37 C that states that "It is hereby declared that the swearing upon of any barnyard animal or woodland creature shall be a state offense punishable by a minimum 50 dollar fine and/or 5 whacks of the vermin paddle"

Artcile 37 D states that "It is unlawful for Non Texas residents to enter Texas and swear on baryard animals for the sole purpose of being forced to bear the 5 whacks from the vermin paddle."

Ah! here it is! Article 22Q: "All Texans are required to be taught in all school, whether they be public, private, or parachocial, that the name "Texas" finds its roots in Latin, meaning 'Land of the pig trodden peoples, Home of the pig trodden peoples.."

How could i have mistaken that one?

Agreed, first prize... first prize....

lordmo

KurtDavidson · Feb 25, 2001

Another interesting part of the State code I found was Article 4B Section 8, written just after Texas was admitted into the union. It appears to be an early public education law.

Article 4B Section 8 "All these here youngins be made to learn themselves some grammer and spellings and the likes, by being forced to go to a learning station or workings on the farms with their pa's"

This article is tied back to the founder of texas "John Texas" A renowned inbred poet and politician as well as a fierce pitch fork throwing champion. One of his most famous poems "I bes John Texas" is set to be engraved on Texan License Plates in the future.

John · Feb 25, 2001

<< Texas is gay....Texas is the most worthless state. >>

Piss off yankee boys. Yet another wanker thread.

lordmo · Feb 25, 2001

I happened to have the luck of attending a pitch fork throwing contest in Texas last summer! What fun it was. All the locals folks came out to cheer their hero on. The favorite was Billy Bob 'the pitch forking throwin' Hickson. There was quite an uproar as "Billy Bob 'the better picth fork throwin' Redneckson upset him! In celebration, the town set loose 1,000 pigs into the city. At that points, everyone began cursing the pigs. I was baffled, because i remembered my Texas statues outlawing curing farm animals in gerenal. After about 5 minutes of cursing the animals, the crowd got rowdy and cheered as the Texas local police, all decked-out in their overalls and plaid shirts, marched on the unruly crowd with 'vermin sticks.' i was appalled by the sight, and could only guess what would happen next. Suddenly the crowd began to cheer as the police moved closer and closer, but then i was tackled, and escorted out of the town, and then out of the state, because i was a foreinger. (I come from the great state of Pennsylvania) I was baffled by this, but then remembered Artcile 37D and it all made sense...

Agreed, first prize.... first prize...

lordmo

KurtDavidson · Feb 25, 2001

I never have been to the state of Texas. Although I've heard its similar to the 4th circle of hell. Can anyone verify that? Well anyway once I was in "OKlahoma" which is OK. But far too close to Texas for my liking. I've read much about Texas because I grew interested in the state late one saturday night after I found out that "Walker Texas Ranger" was actually based on a real place, instead of a fantastical satire of rednecks gathered in a mystical state known as Texas.

Anyway I quickly read through much of the state law, from the sanctity of my public library. I also found out that there was a law passed not long ago declaring that "Chuck Norris" is the recognized "State God." I was appaled to find that a child killer (See "Braddock: Missing in Action 3" 1988) could become a recognized state God.

Therefore I decided I would never enter the state, and came to the conclusion that my purpose in life is to destroy the state.

lordmo · Feb 25, 2001

It is fortunate that you, oh Kurt Davidons, have not enetered the state. I have had the nerve wrenching experience of doing so. Upon entering the state, instead of seeing "Texas Welcomes you!" signs, or something of the like, there are just statues of Chuck Norris.. miles and miles of the statues. They are about 20-23 feet tall from what i can tell. The locals compare these statues to the ones on Easter Island, because no one knows where any of the strange and yet mystical statues came from..

Oddly enough, Texans use smaller, 'pint size chucks' as guard rails instead of steel. They do this because no self respcting Texan would dare defile Chuck Norris, or any icon thereof. If theres an accident on the side of the road, you can tell if its a Texan, because he/she is weeping by the size of the road, and if its a tourist--they are looking at the stautes and laughing...

Agreed, first prize... first prize...

lordmo

KurtDavidson · Feb 25, 2001

Yes, I have seen these great "Norris Monuments" as they are called, but from a safe distance. I find the States fascination with Chuck Norris Particularly interesting because he is so old. Did you know he is 60 years old? Also the fact that Texas named him a god? Despite getting his a55 kicked by Bruce Lee (See "Meng long guojiang" (Return of the Dragon) 1972)

I also read that the defiling of a "Norris Monument" is punishable by death by vermin stick. Texas is most definately not your typical State. Some more interesting Facts About Texas from "Sam and Bens: Crazy and FUN!!! State Facts Book"

Facts on Texas

1) Although Texans Deny it, Texas is NOT the largest state in the U.S Alaska is.
2) Alaska is Cold, Texas is Hot.

3) Texans claim Chuck Norris is a God.
4) It took 40,000 tons of stone and 800,000 mexicans to construct all of the "Norris Monuments".
5) Chuck Norris has never actually been in Texas.
6) The average texans I.Q. is around 54, about that of a gibbon monkey

lordmo · Feb 25, 2001

Yeah, thats why George "Dubbya" Bush took such criticism for signing into law a "Jesus Day--" every freaking Texan was holding his breathe for a "Norris Day" but it didnt come to pass.

I saw this on CNN -- "Texas State Councilman beaten to death by 'Pint Size Chucks' For Failing to sign into law a "Norris Day."

Freakin savages down South.. what ever happened to Southern Hospitality? Why not remove the councilman by voting, a "peaceful revolution" against those who wouldnt not sign into law a "Norris Day?"

Kurt, have you been to the "Norris Museum" in Waco? Yeah, its jsut recently been contructed. The Feds wanted to eliminate evidence of 'foul play' from the area, so they allocated $3 million for the contruction of this museum. Its huge! Part of it is a memorial to the near 1 Million Mexicans who died in the contruction of the "Norris Monuments." They also have a little section that goes in depth into the thought processes and relative intelligence of the gibbon monkey as compared to other monkeys and apes. Wonder why?

Agreed, first prize... first prize...

lordmo

DAM · Feb 25, 2001

texas is the best man, youre just jealous of your punny state.

dam()

KurtDavidson · Feb 25, 2001

Well actually I haven't been to waco. But I understand the measure of the Texans resolve. Everything has to be "Texas Sized" I went to this "Texas Restaurant" in Maryland not too long ago and they brought out a "Texas Sized cut of prime rib," I quickly ate the meat, and the fries, as well as the supposed Texas Sized Drink, the waitress stood there baffled and speechless, then an obese man with one of those things thats a tie, (but not a tie, and only texans wear them, you know what I mean, the really gay thing with two strings and a holder in the middle) came over and said "ERrrrrrr Derrrrrrrr uhhhhhhhhhh Wees gawna hafta ask ya ta leave now pardner."

Just the "Texas Confrontation" was enough to keep me away from the state.

lordmo · Feb 25, 2001

Thats a good plan, Kurt. Just stay the hell away from Texas. At any minutes, it could be deannexed, and if you are caught in the state while it happens... well... may Chuck save your soul...

Agreed, first prize... first prize...

lordmo

KurtDavidson · Feb 25, 2001

Yes. Well "Pardner" as they would say "Down in the big T", I think its time I head home to the "Ranch" and feed my "youngings." I've enjoyed talking about some of the interesting facts and cultures about Texas with you, butyou know what else I've found that's interesting, as well as having a meaning in Latin, the word Texas is also thought to be derived from the native american word "Tejas", which was originally thought to mean "Hello Friend", however modern antrhopologists have discovered that "Tejas" means "F!ck Off." Which is probably fitting since Texans killed some 10 million native americans.

Anyway I agree and wholeheartedly support the destruction of "Texas" or "Norrisland" as it may come to be known. Chuck can probably be bought off to tell the Texans to all committ suicide or something. Hell, chuck is desperate for work, maybe he can go there with his bazooka and make a few "sacrifices". Well I'm getting pretty "tird" as they would say in texas, so I'll talk to you later.

Deputy Kurt --Out

lordmo · Feb 25, 2001

Kurt, it has been my honor to talk with you for such length about Norrisland. Maybe one day our paths with cross, (Please Chuck, not in Texas) and we can talk further at length on such topics as the weakness of Texas, the greatness of Pennsylvania, and the worthlessness of Canada, Mexico, and France.

May the Norris be with you, in all of your travels..

Agreed, first prize... first prize...

lordmo

Chadder007 · Feb 25, 2001

Apparently Kurt and Lordmo are having their own conversation here....or should I say he is having a conversation with himself?

Steven the Leech · Feb 25, 2001

Sounds like you have some issues with your sexuality.

KurtDavidson · Feb 25, 2001

If I could log in and out of 2 accounts and post all those messages in under 4 minutes.

JellyBaby · Feb 25, 2001

Chadder007,

You aren't the only one to notice that. Amusing thread. Must have taken a lot of work.

Disturbing News From Texas (What else is new)

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