UG:
In my original post on this thread, I said:
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Did you discover god for yourself? . . . I wouldn't phrase it that way. That implies some level of insight (positive) or delusion (negative) that would put me well beyond the pale of mainstream humanity. I think I am far too apathetic to fall very far outside the mean 
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I cannot say that I was searching for God. I can only say that I was increasingly aware of my own inability to be what I knew I should be. I could speak the truth, and I could commit individual acts of love, but these things were external. They were not a true overflow of my heart. There was a growing awareness in me that good and evil were not just hypotheticals. They were real, and an honest assessment of myself told me what direction I was heading in. However, I wouldn't even have called it "good and evil" at the time. I was ignorant. Still, the conviction, the real honest assessment of my own self-absorption, was increasingly self-evident.
For whatever reasons, I got past the point of seeing that conviction as simply the guilt trips of organized religion. Perhaps, since I was essentially ignorant of organized religion, I was not presented with such a convenient scapegoat. Hence, I had to deal with my own cup of shame.
Moonbeam, bless his heart, would perhaps see that "cup of shame" as an obstacle that we all must face, but in the end it is a myth, a lie that we have all believed about ourselves. I agree that it is an obstacle that we all must face, but I don't see it as merely myth. I think there is some legitimate shame that I must own. Something that was not introjected into me but that was generated by me. Granted, there is a fine line between the two. But keep in mind, I was not raised in a religious environment where the 10 commandments were rammed down my throat or I was made to feel guilty for every little supposed infraction. On the contrary, my parents were more of the mindset of, "If it makes you happy, then we are happy for you." I didn't go to church; I had as little religious exposure of any kind as can be reasonably expected in our culture.
But, into that dynamic comes the life of Jesus of Nazareth. Here you find a truly good and benevolent man who bypasses organized religion's standard guilt trip measures for dancing around the cup of shame. He doesn't write it off as illusion. He doesn't deny it, nor does he condemn. Though himself free from shame, he drinks the cup of shame for all humanity. Remember, Jesus is presented, in some sense, as God Seen (read my earlier post). Then you find little snippets in the Bible like overcoming evil "by the blood of the Lamb slain before the creation of the world." (Rev 13:8). Hence, suffering, death, the cup of shame, and the resurrection from condemnation and shame are all considered part of the divine life itself. It is not something God simply inflicts on us or allows to happen to us. It is something He foresaw and absorbed into His own eternal life before the kosmos even exploded into existence. This is where all organized religion stops and you gaze into the mystery of the Revealed. It isn't about God apathetically watching suffering. It is about God Suffering so that there would be no condemnation. "This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything" (1 John 3:19-20)
Christ suffered, not so that mankind could escape suffering, but so that our sufferings could be made like His. If we identifiy with him in His suffering, He identifies with us in His resurrection. This holographic universe is not the best of all possible worlds; it does not reflect God's heart perfectly. We see, if at all, only thorugh a glass darkly. But we can see something. We can see the Divine Pattern. Certainly we can see that pattern displayed in the particular life of Jesus. If we submit to that pattern, we have hope. Even if that hope means a lifelong assault against our natural tendency towards self-absorption. "Is not the practice of wisdom a kind of death?" (Socrates) If we balk at the cup of shame, we might prolong our own psyche and natural life, but it is doomed to be wrenched from us in the end.
But I can't say that this happened because I was searching for God. Nor can I even begin to say that I have arrived at some conclusive destination. But I have begun. From an atheist's perspective, I suppose I would have to draw the conclusion that the pain of existing caused me to embrace a delusion. But then, the delusion I am suffering from (and many others) is superior to atheistic reality. How can a stream rise higher than its source? Once again, consider my signature, quoted from the Apostle Paul:
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If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. >>
The Apostle Paul, circa 58 A.D., perhaps seven years before he was beheaded by Rome for his Christian faith.
EDIT - typos. As always, I am sure I missed some
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