Dealing with a clingy, mentally ill friend

[kage69]

Sorry I didn't mention that he does not drink anymore. To me, you and anyone else the rational thing that 'normal' people would think of is to see a counselor or do X or Y or Z. However he has no money and AFAIK know insurance that could get him to a therapist/counselor at a minimum. So I try to think of all these things that could help without saying it out loud and then don't say much of advice when I realize the things that are not possible.

Obviously to post such a thread indicates its hard for all involved but he only talks about one thing and so its hard for both of us.

I think I understand.

Where are you guys located? There should be services available to him at little to no cost if he's in bad shape financially. If you are in Minnesota or New England, no worries. If you are in choice areas of The South, say Louisiana or Arkansas, I agree there might not be much to choose from.

PM if you don't want to post it openly, depending on where you are I might be able to pass along something that could help.

 

[Charmonium]

Find your local chapters of NAMI and DBSA. NAMI can probably help you find free help for the guy but someone is probably going to have to motivate him. DBSA is good for general emotional support but isn't geared to patients' rights in the same way that NAMI is.

Honestly, I'm pretty skeptical of the childhood abuse claims myself, which is sad because I'm sure this is still a problem. But you can't avoid the issues with so-called "recovered memories." Studies have been done that conclusively prove you can make someone believe they remember something they never actually did. And it's quite easy for this to happen. All it takes is a therapist to ask a lot of leading questions and the person's imagination fills in the rest.

Personally I think one of the reasons some patients focus on this is because it's a guaranteed attention getter. That, and they probably do believe their own stories. But if you've known the guy since childhood, you should be in a position to assess his credibility. Of course you can never really be sure that something DIDN'T happen, but you can make an educated guess.

 

[pete6032]

I've been in a similar situation. The best thing you could do is help this friend find a therapist. He may be in such a bad mental state that he cannot clearly see that he has a mental illness, and many mentally ill people reject seeing a therapist out of pride or fear. You can help by talking to him and expressing your concerns and then helping in that search. Tell him that you want him to see a therapist for the sake of your friendship and because you care about him Don't tell him he needs to see a therapist because he's mentally ill, or because he needs to get better. The concept of self-care can often seem insurmountable or foreign to a mentally ill person. If you can get family members to express the same sentiment it can help him move in that direction.

 

[zerocool84]

It's a lot different when someone just doesn't care compared to someone who's mentally ill which is what the friend is. He needs help ASAP. He should be able to get help from the government.

 

[Miramonti]

It's up to the OP to set and control his boundaries around a childhood friend that he cares about but who has a lot of issues. Disengaging is an option, which may or may not be needed at some point, but imo not one that anyone [who's not also mentally ill] would likely choose as a first option.

 

[thatsright]

I think I understand.

Where are you guys located? There should be services available to him at little to no cost if he's in bad shape financially. If you are in Minnesota or New England, no worries. If you are in choice areas of The South, say Louisiana or Arkansas, I agree there might not be much to choose from.

PM if you don't want to post it openly, depending on where you are I might be able to pass along something that could help.

In the Boston Area.

 

[John Connor]

I would somehow convince him to go to the hospital. There they will transport him to a mental health facility. He can get a case worker and apply for Medicaid, disability or SSI. His prescriptions would be only a buck.

I know someone that was in this situation. Trick is convincing him to go to the hospital. He has to admit himself. Unless he gets in trouble with the law. If you care for him you'll heed my advice.

 

[kage69]

In the Boston Area.

That's excellent news, lots of options and people who can help in MA. Was worried you were going to say Mississippi, or worse.

I'll have to defer to the pros on the fine details obviously, but from what I can gather your best bet is to get him enrolled in MassHealth (if he isn't already). That will get him an automatic sub to the Massachusetts Behavioral Health Partnership. I searched for copay amounts and found this:

"If your enrollment in MassHealth is in good standing and you see an in-network provider for any type of behavioral health care, there is no co-pay and you cannot be billed."

Once your friend gets set up with a person who is a professional, an impartial, objective 3rd party who will listen, I think you will see a change in him for the better and you yourself will feel less exhausted by his behavior. Going from memory over what a friend in Shrewsbury told me once, I think I found the guy he raved about. Looks like he is down with MBHP too.

Ulric Johnson
Transformation Awareness Growth Vision
735 William Morissey Blvd
2nd Floor, Suite 10
Boston, Massachusetts 02122
(617) 600-0689

I'm sure they have female counselors available too if your friend would prefer that. The MBHP engagement line can help with that I would think, 1-800-495-0086. I would say print out some info for him about all this, and physically put it in his hands while you make it clear you are on his side, pointing him towards expertise - not ushering him out the door to offload him on someone else.

I can't wish you enough luck, both of you.

 

[Charmonium]

I would somehow convince him to go to the hospital. There they will transport him to a mental health facility. He can get a case worker and apply for Medicaid, disability or SSI. His prescriptions would be only a buck.

I know someone that was in this situation. Trick is convincing him to go to the hospital. He has to admit himself. Unless he gets in trouble with the law. If you care for him you'll heed my advice.

You're right about all of that but none of it will happen quickly or w/o a fair amount of effort, either by the OP's friend, the OP or someone else. SSI will probably take a minimum of 2 years to get. He might be able to get Medicaid sooner but I think that's handled state by state.

Going to the hospital is an option but MA probably has some sort of emergency psychiatric services. We have that here in NJ but I don't know how serious the case has to be to get their attention.

Besides, he's probably better off on an outpatient basis than inpatient. If you get committed, you're in with some very, very sick people and I don't think that ever does much to help you get back on your feet. The only thing it's really good for is getting you stabilized on a course of medication.

 

[John Connor]

Inpatient will look good when you build a case for disability or SSI.

 

[BudAshes]

I would just be honest with him. Don't be cruel, just tell him what you honestly think about what he's saying. He may turn on you and hate you, but at least you retain your integrity and in the end it might help him realize the real problems in his life.

 

[kranky]

OP, I could have written an almost identical post to yours. I know EXACTLY what you are dealing with. Rather than recount the innumerable similarities in the situation I faced, I'll jump to what I did.

I had to cut ties with him because there was no other option.

Everything I (and a couple other good friends) did to try to help him accomplished nothing except to make OUR lives miserable. You can't make someone care and you can't make someone change. We tried for years to support him and help him get better but it was not happening.

After a number of years of frustration and trying different avenues, we came to the conclusion that he is what he is, and nothing will change unless he wants to change. As long as everything was someone else's fault, he felt no responsibility to do something different. My friend's most commonly used phrase was "I just can't."

Look, I understand that you want to help your long-time friend. But you need to come to the conclusion we did - he wasn't changing, and our lives were just getting worse. At that point, you have to stop. Don't allow yourself to be dragged down any further.

 

[thatsright]

I would just be honest with him. Don't be cruel, just tell him what you honestly think about what he's saying. He may turn on you and hate you, but at least you retain your integrity and in the end it might help him realize the real problems in his life.

Good point. My own therapist (ha) suggested to tell him that "you don't seem yourself lately and I'm worried aoubt you and not just say "you sound paranoid man."

Also some of the lasts posts have been the most helpful, thanks. He does have MassHealth (I think) and said yesterday he hasn't been is getting his meds this week despite not being able to ($$) the last few weeks. One of the problems is I get piece-mealed info in drips and drabs on what he is doing on his own medical wise to help himself. I can try to help him on that. However he is absolutely obsessed with trying to resolve one specific family issue and now I'm worried he will have a confrontation with them that could get physical and very ugly. Like in the news type ugly.

Again thanks to everyones (helpful) thoughts and taking time to suggest. But for the keyboard jockeys if you don't have anything helpful/productive to=don't.

 

[thatsright]

OP, I could have written an almost identical post to yours. I know EXACTLY what you are dealing with. Rather than recount the innumerable similarities in the situation I faced, I'll jump to what I did.

I had to cut ties with him because there was no other option.

Everything I (and a couple other good friends) did to try to help him accomplished nothing except to make OUR lives miserable. You can't make someone care and you can't make someone change. We tried for years to support him and help him get better but it was not happening.

After a number of years of frustration and trying different avenues, we came to the conclusion that he is what he is, and nothing will change unless he wants to change. As long as everything was someone else's fault, he felt no responsibility to do something different. My friend's most commonly used phrase was "I just can't."

Look, I understand that you want to help your long-time friend. But you need to come to the conclusion we did - he wasn't changing, and our lives were just getting worse. At that point, you have to stop. Don't allow yourself to be dragged down any further.

As of right now, I can see this going in that direction. I'm already ignoring his texts from several days in a row. He doesn't have a car so always expecting me to pick him up (need to stop that shit). Alas he has been a friend since we I was 5 years old, so that complicates things as I have said. Will try to do as much as I can but I need to take care of my own messy life outside of all of this. Now my Dad is getting sick and will soon need to help him out despite being 1500 miles away.

This sucks.

 

[kranky]

When you tell him you are making some changes to your life and that means you won't be available for rides and there will be much less interaction, mentally prepare yourself for his attempt to make you feel terrible about it. Don't fall for the guilt trip. Say what you have to say and leave.

But you need to tell him instead of just blowing him off. Put some closure on it. It's better for both of you that way.

I think you'll be surprised that your friend will manage somehow to get along.

 

[gorcorps]

I'd help him find a support group that may meet locally. It's not fair to yourself to be drug down emotionally just because your friend can't find help. A support group may give him other people to talk to so it's not all on you.

I'd also consider being frank with him. Tell him you'd still like to hang out, but not if he's just going to dwell on all of his problems. I certainly wouldn't consider somebody who wanted to drag me down with them a true friend... at a certain point they might just using you as an emotional crutch because you're there, and are being selfish by not considering what it's doing to you. There's nothing wrong with drawing lines if you aren't helping them AND it's making you feel worse. That's a lose-lose situation.

 

[Charmonium]

I had a similar situation many years ago but in that case, the person was at least getting treatment. But he was isolated with virtually no friends. The more I did for him, the more he seemed to expect. Finally I was just so burnt out between my own problems and his that I became a ghost. As far as he was concerned, I didn't exist any more. I had to do it that way because trying to pull back bit by bit was just impossible.